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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wordfan on March 20, 2003, at 10:48:28
Two good weeks opened my eyes
Two weeks of normalcy showed me
With crystal clarity just how far off I am.
In that span I was at least the equal
Of those who have always looked down on me
From their smug and lofty perch,
Preaching if you do this, this, and this
You can be like me. And
Why do you drink so much?
When are you going to clean your room?
When are you going to open your mail?
Why do you run around with girls like that?
And on and on and on.
But for two weeks
Grueling tasks became simple chores
And I was, in the words of the
Sanctimonious with a bewildered tone
Actually jovial.
For two weeks
And then nothing
And then my pills fell flat
And I’m back to being me
The simplest tasks are once again monumental
And I contemplate the what ifs.
What if I can’t get back?
What if every pill leaves me flat?
Well then I don’t know,
But for now, it’s the slow path
Chaining Marlboros and shooting bourbon,
Which I no longer even bother to mix.
Posted by fayeroe on March 21, 2003, at 18:36:25
In reply to Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 20, 2003, at 10:48:28
The universal truth is that no one who hasn't been depressed can know what we go through. And I've been there too. My first husband would say "it's in your head"....duh? My second one got depressed if I was down. Then I discovered food (in place of bourbon) and gained 48 lbs! Now I'm alone and on meds....it took three to get me leveled out. three different meds. one at a time. now the one i'm on works pretty good. Good luck and I'll be thinking of you! pat
Posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 10:44:53
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by fayeroe on March 21, 2003, at 18:36:25
Thank you for the encouragement, Pat. It seems even my best friends are woefully inadequate at providing that. “It’s in your head.” What a gem. It reminds me of a line from a Fiona Apple song - “He said it’s all in your head, I said ‘so’s everying,’ but he didn’t get it.”
If bourbon were food, I’d have gained more than 48 lbs, but remember that weight can come off and that being alone isn’t the worst way to be. I’m glad to hear you found something that works well. It gives me hope. Good luck to you, too, and I’ll be thinking of you. bill
Posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 10:55:37
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 10:44:53
bill, you're welcome and thank you for the words of encouragement. i'm sitting here now with a knot in my stomach because i have to drive 2-12 hours to another town and i'm petrified to leave the safety of my house. and i have alot of things that i have to do before i leave town. what to do? i'm trying to suck it up and pull forth mammoth courage...so far it isn't working. i woke up with that panicky anxiety that i couldn't put my finger on. i think the war has alot to do with it but otherwise things are going well. i hate it! any help? pat
Posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 11:11:30
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 10:55:37
I’ve always had trouble getting unlocked, myself. I used to have a coworker with the same difficulty and we would help each other by making bets or offering rewards to each other. I doubt that helps you, but maybe you could reward yourself. Maybe buy some music for the drive, something you’ve wanted for a while. Do something nice for yourself. Also, try not to think about everything you have to do today. Just think about the first thing, and make yourself do that. You’ll feel better and the next thing will be a little easier. Above all else, don’t beat yourself up, that will only make it worse. Also, you should take pride in the fact that you’ve encouraged someone who has the same problems you do. Oh, and don’t watch the news. I hope I’ve helped a little. I know it always helps me to know that I’m not the only one dealing with these sorts of things. bill
Posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 11:19:10
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 11:11:30
thanks!! i'm thinking about starting my bath water...:-) one small step for pat and one huge leap for the dogs and doves! (out of dogfood and also bird corn for the doves!)
Posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 11:38:41
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 11:19:10
good job, pat. you can do it. let me know how your day went. you can post here or email me at wordfan1972@yahoo.com
Posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 11:42:30
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 11:38:41
Posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 12:14:37
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 11:38:41
i am spending the night with my friends in Hinton. will be back around noon manana...just ate and fed beasties. getting there!! thanks to you for supportive vibes and words. pat
Posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 12:26:25
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by fayeroe on March 24, 2003, at 12:14:37
you're welcome. sounds like you're doing well. have a fun and safe trip. bill
Posted by WorryGirl on March 24, 2003, at 14:15:14
In reply to Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 20, 2003, at 10:48:28
That was a great poem that I could relate to. I wish your state of well-being had lasted longer than two weeks. I hope you can find the right med.
Posted by fayeroe on March 25, 2003, at 13:26:35
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 24, 2003, at 12:26:25
> you're welcome. sounds like you're doing well. have a fun and safe trip. bill
i'm back, bill. got lost...passed their house four times!! they had "side whiplash" from watching me zip past! no sleep. talked about their youngest who is in Iraq now...big worry.
glad to be back in my house though with kitties.
going to pick up fayeroe at my daughter's house. missed her too!! pat
Posted by nilla on April 29, 2003, at 12:49:36
In reply to Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem), posted by wordfan on March 20, 2003, at 10:48:28
.. that was phenomenal...
I try to hide what brews inside
and often I find the words just aren't there
to explain my highs, my lows and in betweens.
And sometimes I find that truly I'm scared
at how words have just left me,
they stood up and left me.
And once in a while, a breathe of fresh air
or inspiration appears on this dirty screen
a fresh breath exhaled into this seeking girl
giving a voice to my silent screams.
Posted by fayeroe on April 29, 2003, at 14:46:16
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by nilla on April 29, 2003, at 12:49:36
i know wordfan and he doesn't post here anymore but i will pass your message on to him. my name is fayeroe.............you are quite expressive yourself.xoxoxo
Posted by wordfan on May 13, 2003, at 12:24:07
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by nilla on April 29, 2003, at 12:49:36
Wow, Nilla. You have exactly expressed what I have always felt. Below is sort of an answer to yours. I would love to hear (read) some more of what you have to say.
Through my unseen muzzle, only certain words escape:
Words like I’m fine and things are okay.
And the distance between these words and the truth
Is the distance between me and even my closest friend -
A vast gulf that I could perhaps bridge if I could speak.
If my mind could find the words
To express the unexpressable
And force my mouth to articulate them,
Perhaps I would not feel so far away.
If I could just speak. But I cannot speak,
Except for a few meaningless words
Which are quickly accepted with a nod of the head
As my friend launches into his own tirade.
I listen attentively with a tinge of sadness
Knowing that my moment for talking has passed,
And I am saddened, knowing that not just this,
But my future moments of reaching out will also be lost.
Posted by fayeroe on May 13, 2003, at 13:17:51
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » nilla, posted by wordfan on May 13, 2003, at 12:24:07
Wow! My feelings exactly yesterday!! How sad and how empty can one feel and still function? Fayeroe
Posted by nilla on May 18, 2003, at 20:52:50
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » nilla, posted by wordfan on May 13, 2003, at 12:24:07
Thanks for checking the board and responding! I've been away for my sisters graduation and i've been having some major issues as no one made a big deal of my graduation but people have been bending over backwards for her. This really is a catalyst for a huge can of worms of problems I have with my family. I've been an overall emotional mess (from before) and am desperate for some new meds because I think I've plateaued.. anyways... here, some words for thought :)
Mute... I have lost my voice.
it simply left me.. it wasn't my choice.
and somewhere along the way, I lost myself
and my ability to connect with anyone else.
my sound nights are now plagued with terrifying dreams
my reality is so far from how stable it seems.
Insecure, indifferent and horribly unmotivated
Troubled and scared, expired and depreciated.
Void, I feel so empty.
Wordless... and how I so miss me.
Drowning in this confusion....
Desperate for a solution.when will it be my magical hour
to emerge from these lost depths?
Posted by fayeroe on May 18, 2003, at 21:50:21
In reply to Re: Two Weeks (A Depressive's Poem) » wordfan, posted by nilla on May 18, 2003, at 20:52:50
nilla, i've lost myself and don't seem to have a voice for anything.....today was horrific. i'm sorry that your graduation wasn't celebrated as it should have been. i'm always here and listening. fayeroe
This is the end of the thread.
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