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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
My boyfriend is quite obviously mentally ill but I can't tell what the @#$% his diagnosis would be, and he can't get in to see a therapist for a few more weeks, so I'm trying to tentatively figure out what it MIGHT be just so I know how to cope until then. I was hoping y'all could help.
He is often depressed and has low self esteem, but this goes beyond depression. He has uncontrollable fits of violent self-hatred in which he tears out his hair, hits himself, screams how much he hates himself, etc. When this happens, he does not seem to recognize me (except when he incoherently begs me to hit him or kill him) or hear anything I say, and he is incapable of being physically restrained from hurting himself. I try to tell him how much this is devastating me but he doesn't stop, and afterwards he explains it by saying that he "just couldn't stop himself." I don't understand what's going on.
Does anybody here do this, and if so could you better explain what it is and how I can deal with it? I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and this is about to drive me over the edge.
Posted by SBOATRN on March 21, 2003, at 21:00:11
In reply to nervous breakdown?, posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
You really need to get your boyfriend to get help and fast. The danger factor is a HUGE red flag that intervention is needed, amoung other things you listed. If you can't get him to seek help, please look out for your own mental and phyical safety. Hopefully, he will reach the idea he needs help. This is not a normal way to conduct a relationship - there aren't too many that are *normal*, but your situation needs real help. Please get it and realize only an indivdual can accept help for themselves. We can't save anybody but our own selves. I hope help comes soon !!!
Posted by Phil on March 21, 2003, at 23:50:14
In reply to nervous breakdown?, posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
Sarah S:
See if this sounds familiar and take care of yourself.
Posted by noa on March 22, 2003, at 9:52:48
In reply to Re: nervous breakdown?, posted by SBOATRN on March 21, 2003, at 21:00:11
My question would be: has he always been this way, or is it a recent onset? You may have to ask people who have known him for longer than you have.
Posted by Sarah S on March 22, 2003, at 12:00:53
In reply to Re: nervous breakdown?, posted by noa on March 22, 2003, at 9:52:48
Well, all of his life he's struggled with depression, low self-esteem, and, at one point, OCD (which caused him to go on Prozac when he was only in middle school). For the past year or so he's been having intense, irrational attacks of fear that he's a horrible person and that I will leave him, but it's only over the past few months (prolly cause of the stress in his life) that those attacks have gotten this bad.
Thanks, Phil, for giving me the borderline disorder info, cause I think that sounds like a possibility. He's always been confused about who he is and tends to derive identity from intense attachments to different pursuits, which he always eventually abandons and is left without an identity again. This causes him to hate himself for being "fickle" and go even deeper into depression and strange behavior. A lot of the symptoms of BPD don't sound like him at all, but it's the closest thing to an accurate diagnosis that I've been able to find.
Thanks for the support, guys. I hope this knowledge will allow me to figure out how to deal with him until his counseling appointment. Just out of curiosity, is anyone else dating someone who has or might have BPD? Is it always this stressful?
Posted by Dinah on March 22, 2003, at 12:11:45
In reply to mental history, posted by Sarah S on March 22, 2003, at 12:00:53
Sarah,
A lot of what you describe can be accounted for by OCD. That is my main diagnosis, so I have felt some of these things as well. While OCD is mainly an anxiety disorder, it can also manifest itself as shame attacks, especially in the case of a subset of OCD, scrupulousness. And "enthusiasms", throwing yourself into a pursuit, is a natural extension of OCD, but one that isn't necessarily harmful so it doesn't get written up in diagnostic manuals. The way my brain feels, the quality of my thoughts, during an "enthusiasm" and during a shame attack is the same really, as the way it feels during the more standard OCD anxiety attacks. It's hard to explain, but I feel during these episodes like a dog I had who had seizures. I would look into her eyes and realize that she was fully aware of what was happening but had no real control over it. She was scared and I was scared.
But regardless of whether his OCD is flaring up under stress, you have a responsibility to yourself. You have to set limits on what you can accept. You have to realize that his problems are his problems, and only he can be responsible for them. I really hope that he will seek out help, because in my experience OCD is highly treatable with medications and cognitive behavior therapy. Even if he doesn't like the side effects, taking the proper meds during the flare up could be immensely helpful to him.
But at any rate, take care of yourself. If you feel you are in any danger, you have to protect yourself. If you feel overwhelmed, please seek out assistance for yourself in deciding what to do and how to do it.
Best wishes.
Posted by WorryGirl on March 22, 2003, at 14:30:33
In reply to nervous breakdown?, posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
> He is often depressed and has low self esteem, but this goes beyond depression. He has uncontrollable fits of violent self-hatred in which he tears out his hair, hits himself, screams how much he hates himself, etc. When this happens, he does not seem to recognize me (except when he incoherently begs me to hit him or kill him) or hear anything I say, and he is incapable of being physically restrained from hurting himself. I try to tell him how much this is devastating me but he doesn't stop, and afterwards he explains it by saying that he "just couldn't stop himself." I don't understand what's going on.
>
> Does anybody here do this, and if so could you better explain what it is and how I can deal with it? I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and this is about to drive me over the edge.Hi Sarah,
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I personally can relate to some of these things that your boyfriend is doing, because I have displayed some of this behaviour myself (fortunately I don't tear out my hair or hit myself, but I've felt that I wanted to harm myself). I feel immense rage that I can't control how I'm feeling, which I know is wrong and hurtful to myself and others. I feel that no one understands how hard this is.
I don't know if would be the right thing for your boyfriend, but I have often felt that I just wanted to be listened to with no criticism, then loved and held tenderly. Of course, that is the last thing I get, because when someone acts that way, who in the world is going to feel like calmly listening and opening their arms and heart to that person. It is a lot to ask, but if you could try it, it may help.
It sounds like counseling and/or medication is in order, but if you are going to stay with this man, your understanding, unconditional love and support will be needed. Realistically no one should be expected to have to deal with his type of behaviour, but when we start to love and care about someone we often seem to get much more than we bargained for.
I don't know if that helped, but it is what I would like if I were feeling like your boyfriend.
If you are also suffering from depression and anxiety, supporting each other will definitely be a challenge because obviously you need for him to be understanding with you, as well. How supportive is he of your depression and anxiety? Is he self absorbed and feeling that his problems are the only ones that matter? Does he try to be accepting and understanding with you? You may decide that it's one that you would rather not handle right now. Maybe you should take care of yourself before trying to cope with his behaviour.
I wish you the best.
Posted by shawna on March 24, 2003, at 7:36:26
In reply to nervous breakdown?, posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
> My boyfriend is quite obviously mentally ill but I can't tell what the @#$% his diagnosis would be, and he can't get in to see a therapist for a few more weeks, so I'm trying to tentatively figure out what it MIGHT be just so I know how to cope until then. I was hoping y'all could help.
>
> He is often depressed and has low self esteem, but this goes beyond depression. He has uncontrollable fits of violent self-hatred in which he tears out his hair, hits himself, screams how much he hates himself, etc. When this happens, he does not seem to recognize me (except when he incoherently begs me to hit him or kill him) or hear anything I say, and he is incapable of being physically restrained from hurting himself. I try to tell him how much this is devastating me but he doesn't stop, and afterwards he explains it by saying that he "just couldn't stop himself." I don't understand what's going on.
>
> Does anybody here do this, and if so could you better explain what it is and how I can deal with it? I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and this is about to drive me over the edge.have you tried PRAYER???
Posted by Krissy P on March 25, 2003, at 22:50:00
In reply to nervous breakdown?, posted by Sarah S on March 21, 2003, at 20:17:36
Hi Sarah S,
I used to do this a lot! from the ages of like 18 to 26 and now I'm 32, and I had a flare up just a month ago.
IMHO, it sounds like inrtense anger at something with your boyfriend. When I had these symptoms on a continuous basis years ago, I was labeled with BPD.
I think sometimes we take anger out on ourselves-especially on ourselves. I cut a few times, and I definately was harboring feelings, and taking
on my dad's guilt and shame. COUNTER PRODUCTIVE lol
Hang in there, I'm here for you:-)
kristen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My boyfriend is quite obviously mentally ill but I can't tell what the @#$% his diagnosis would be, and he can't get in to see a therapist for a few more weeks, so I'm trying to tentatively figure out what it MIGHT be just so I know how to cope until then. I was hoping y'all could help.
He is often depressed and has low self esteem, but this goes beyond depression. He has uncontrollable fits of violent self-hatred in which he tears out his hair, hits himself, screams how much he hates himself, etc. When this happens, he does not seem to recognize me (except when he incoherently begs me to hit him or kill him) or hear anything I say, and he is incapable of being physically restrained from hurting himself. I try to tell him how much this is devastating me but he doesn't stop, and afterwards he explains it by saying that he "just couldn't stop himself." I don't understand what's going on.
Does anybody here do this, and if so could you better explain what it is and how I can deal with it? I myself suffer from depression and anxiety and this is about to drive me over the edge.
Posted by Krissy P on March 25, 2003, at 22:54:09
In reply to mental history, posted by Sarah S on March 22, 2003, at 12:00:53
Don't think I posted this yet
A GREAT book about BPD:
"The Angry Heart" by Santoro and CohenIt had great info and exercises to do.
This is the end of the thread.
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