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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by jyl on November 11, 2002, at 11:11:38
hey,
does anyone pretend to be happy when talking with a pdoc.
i feel so ashamed that my new meds might not be working-i want to be a good little girl for the doctor.-
jyl
Posted by Miller on November 11, 2002, at 11:52:39
In reply to feeling people are crule, posted by jyl on November 11, 2002, at 11:11:38
I pretend to be alright for my pdoc, my shrink, my friends, and my family. It is not only exhausting, but has proven the rumor "pretend to be well and you are well" wrong.
I tend to be more honest with my pdoc than anyone else. That may be because she asks me direct questions and she asks the "right" questions.
As far as my shrink goes, I answer only what he asks most of the time.
I think that is why I am so frustrated with living. I can't see myself ever REALLY ever feeling better. At this point, I would settle for content.
Drugs, therapy, discussing, etc. never seem to do the trick. So maybe there really isn't a solution. Why else would we all just "play the games" of good little girls and boys.?
Posted by jane d on November 12, 2002, at 11:07:30
In reply to feeling people are crule, posted by jyl on November 11, 2002, at 11:11:38
> hey,
> does anyone pretend to be happy when talking with a pdoc.
> i feel so ashamed that my new meds might not be working-i want to be a good little girl for the doctor.-
> jylJyl,
I always feel an urge to put a cheerful spin on things with my doctor. To counter that I've started spending a little time before each appointment rehearsing what I need to say. Usually I now manage to say some of it.
I don't see it as a childish desire to please an authority figure. I think it's normal to want to make someone feel good about their work especially when that work is trying to help you.
Jane
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 13, 2002, at 11:06:21
In reply to Re: feeling people are crule, posted by Miller on November 11, 2002, at 11:52:39
> Drugs, therapy, discussing, etc. never seem to do the trick. So maybe there really isn't a solution. Why else would we all just "play the games" of good little girls and boys.?
----------------------I think things were easier for me when I was deeply depressed, because it was plainly obvious that I wasn't right. Lately, though, I'm not that polarized. I'm not real happy, either. Just kind of there, and still off. It's worse, though, because people don't see the sadness or the general feeling of discomfort that I have. I smile and have fun sometimes, and when I don't feel like that, I think that people assume I'm just being obsessive or morbid about myself. Smile! Be happy! But I just want to lay down and stare. idk. Maybe I am just morbid, but I used to feel different. I used to enjoy things without effort.
Posted by Miller on November 13, 2002, at 14:59:07
In reply to Happy face! » Miller, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 13, 2002, at 11:06:21
Hi Eddie,
I guess the only difference I can see right off the bat is that I don't think I have EVER been happy. Sure there are times when I have fun or when I am not miserable. But I don't know "happiness". I am now to the point that I don't believe it is possible. Some people are meant for happiness others are not. I am in the "not" catagory.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 13, 2002, at 17:12:35
In reply to Re: Happy face! Eddie, posted by Miller on November 13, 2002, at 14:59:07
> I guess the only difference I can see right off the bat is that I don't think I have EVER been happy. Sure there are times when I have fun or when I am not miserable. But I don't know "happiness". I am now to the point that I don't believe it is possible
------------------That's terrible! On the one hand, you could argue that at least you don't know what it is you're missing, but still... people should get to experience happiness.
I think the happiest I've been in recent years was when I took some LSD. Man, I never knew I could be so happy. Grinning like a fool and everything filled with beauty and goodness. It was wonderful.
Still, aside from illegal drugs, it's hard for me to get truly happy nowadays. How would you describe your version of happiness? Is it just the absence of misery?
Posted by Miller on November 14, 2002, at 6:40:17
In reply to Re: Happy face! Eddie » Miller, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 13, 2002, at 17:12:35
Definitions are hard. I guess happiness for me would mean contentment with myself and my life. I don't expect to be thrilled each and every minute. I would just like to be able to appreciate what I do have. When something good happens to/for me I always feel as if I don't deserve it. It would be nice to be able to just enjoy a good thing.
Sorry if you can't understand my babbling, but it is hard to define something that seems so foreign.
-Miller
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 16, 2002, at 0:37:55
In reply to Definition-Eddie, posted by Miller on November 14, 2002, at 6:40:17
>When something good happens to/for me I always feel as if I don't deserve it. It would be nice to be able to just enjoy a good thing.
---------------Definitions are hard, especially in this arena, because the subjects are so subjective. One of the best words I've seen for "lack of happiness" beyond 'depression' is anhedonia, which sounds somewhat, but not exactly, like what you're describing. I've experienced the inability (heck, the total loss of interest) to derive pleasure from things. In my experience, it was biological. Given the right drugs, the ability and desire came back. Given what you've said, would you be chemically capable to enjoy good things if you allowed yourself to, or is there something more psycological that keeps you from it? In either case, I can understand. I can't remember who on the board said it, but they mentioned that they plainly didn't feel comfortable allowing themselves to be happy. Like it was too decadent. I've had that feeling.
Posted by Miller on November 16, 2002, at 8:51:28
In reply to Re: Definition-Eddie » Miller, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 16, 2002, at 0:37:55
Well, Eddie,
Putting a definition on emotions and feelings really doesn't help, does it? Whatever it is called, it sucks. At this point, I am not sure I that I am willing to continue wading through the sludge in hopes of finding the meadow. Time will tell.
Thank you for your time and insights. I hope you are able to find your meadow.
-Miller
Posted by syringachalet on November 21, 2002, at 9:01:56
In reply to Re: Definition-Eddie, posted by Miller on November 16, 2002, at 8:51:28
Hello Eddie and Miller,
I never consciencously played games in sharing how I really was with any of the shrinks I have ever had.
For me, in the beginning it was about control. I often felt that I had lost control of so much of my life at that point that this little bit of game playing was the only safe place I felt 'in control'. My paranoia lead me to believe that my shrink (and most everyone else) knew my thoughts and was judging me based on these thoughts. I guess this self-centered thinking was just one of my self-defense coping mechnisms I used to survive the Hell I was working through.
Fortunally now I have a female shrink that with medication and therapy has helped me help myself work through a great deal of my PTSD issues. Because of her acceptance of me as a person but not all my self-abusive behaviors, a trust has developed that I genienely believe that I can tell her whatever is on my mind..regardless how off the wall. As long as she knows that I would never act on those thoughts(her display of trust in me), then we can share and the game playing can be set aside 95% of the time.
My energy can be focused on my continued recovery. As I tell her, I might not always tell her what she might want to hear( and vice versa) but at least I always know(and so does she) where I stand with her...thats a major element in the trust file for me...My thoughts are with you both...
This is the end of the thread.
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