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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 10:52:05
Hi...I've been lurking at this board for a couple of weeks, getting to "know" people, and I am very glad I have found this place! The people who post here seem intelligent, kind, and sophisticated...and, well, I could use a little sophistication in dealing with my meltdown reaction to a problem the other day. FYI, for the record, I'm female, and I've been diagnosed as bipolar with borderline personality syndrome (I'm still learning about THAT one).
Anyway...my pdoc told me she's pregnant. Simple, right? Not even close. I wanted SO much to be happy for her (it's her third kid), but all I could do was cry. She wasn't upset by that, and as I got quieter and quieter she wanted to know what I was thinking. I couldn't talk. She asked me if I felt abandoned. I didn't answer - instead, I bolted her office. Not the world's most mature reaction, but it was all I could do. I spent the rest of the day crying (hard) and shaking, damning myself for having trusted someone who is leaving.
Now, she did say she'd probably take about 3 months maternity leave, so it's not like she's dropping off the face of the earth or anything. And of course she has a right to a family! But I'm taken aback by my reaction. I am very close and attached to her (I've been seeing her for 2 and a half very rough years), and I don't have many other people in my life. I am angry at her for leaving (even temporarily); angry that she gets to go through this wonderful intimate experience (pregnancy, family), and I don't; and angry that I had to ask her about the pregnancy (she didn't volunteer the information - she said she wanted to wait until I "noticed" - she's starting to show now).
I know, I know that my reactions can be construed as selfish and immature, and I should get a grip, but the feelings are so strong. I do feel abandoned, and very much left out in the cold. I feel jealous, I feel sad, I feel like a little kid, and I also feel like a colossal jerk.
The antagonism between the emotional and the intellectual on this is extremely stressful.
I know this isn't exactly the most cohesive post (for that I apologize), but has anyone else ever had this situation or this reaction? How did you resolve it? Thanks for your time in reading this.Ginjoint
Posted by Dinah on September 27, 2002, at 12:00:00
In reply to The Case of the Pregnant Pdoc, posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 10:52:05
Hi,
I'm afraid that sort of thing has happened to me more often than I like to recall. One of my "issues" is abandonment, and anything that sets off primitive abandonment feelings, also sets off a meltdown. I purposely chose a male therapist in part so that pregnancy wouldn't be an issue, but it turns out that there are many more abandonment issues available.
I really recommend the book
In Session: The Bond Between Women and Their Therapists
by Deborah A. Lott, Marie M. Cohen (Editor)It talks a lot about this sort of thing.
The good news is that your pdoc didn't get upset, and really isn't likely to. I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time, and she's a professional who is trained to deal with it. Mine is sometimes taken aback by my meltdowns, but he always gets us through them. We talk about them, and about my embarassment over them. And everything turns out ok. Make sure you go over plans for her maternity leave, what to expect, who will fill in, and how you will cope. I had my therapist make a relaxation tape for me for use when he is out of town. It is a poor substitute for the real thing, but it helps a bit.
I'm so sorry for the disturbance that this is (quite understandably) causing you. Please don't add shame onto your other feelings.
Dinah
Posted by madison88 on September 27, 2002, at 13:14:29
In reply to Re: The Case of the Pregnant Pdoc » Ginjoint, posted by Dinah on September 27, 2002, at 12:00:00
I can never admit to getting upset about such things, except for on this board. I really think you need to talk this out with her. I don't really have any room to speak about being upfront with therapists, i also have plenty of issues with abandonment. Actually, i have been planning to dump my current therapist b/c i figure once she knows what i really have to get out, she will not want to have anything to do with me. I have decided to try and talk anyway on Monday and see what happens. You know, I have never heard anybody say they regret sharing something with their therapist? It always seems to work out. I am sure there are instances where it doesn't, but they don't seem to occur very often.
Posted by Tabßitha on September 27, 2002, at 13:27:29
In reply to The Case of the Pregnant Pdoc, posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 10:52:05
I think it's totally normal to react strongly to an 3-month interruption in therapy. There's an emotional process of re-parenting that goes on in therapy. You get attached to the therapist like a small child feels towards its parents. It's supposed to be safer and more nurturing than it was the first time around, to heal some of the damage. It makes me a little mad that your therapist was coy about telling you. If she's experienced she would have known many clients would react strongly.
There's also the issue of being slapped in the face with knowledge of your therapist's life that you're not part of. My therapist intentionally tells me nothing about her life, to keep all the focus on me. I like it that way. Once after seeing her for many years I noticed she had a wedding ring. She's always had it, I had just managed to never notice! It was really uncomfortable to realize that she had a life outside of therapy, with other people in it.
Posted by Dinah on September 27, 2002, at 16:06:06
In reply to Re: The Case of the Pregnant Pdoc, posted by Tabßitha on September 27, 2002, at 13:27:29
Yes, I have to agree with Tabitha about her not mentioning anything until you asked. I think that's pretty much standard operating procedure, but for those of us with unpredictable parents and a lack of stability in our early lives (well me anyway), that sort of thing shakes my trust in my therapist. :(
Dinah
Posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 18:30:41
In reply to The Case of the Pregnant Pdoc, posted by Ginjoint on September 27, 2002, at 10:52:05
I didn't expect responses so quickly. Thank you. It helps enormously to hear from people who are "there" (or would that be "here"?) My own best friend said I was overreacting - she didn't understand it at all. :(
Your posts helped me to realize that the unpredictability of my earlier life has much to do with my reaction. When I'm very upset, I sometimes miss the obvious - when you're trying to lasso in bucking and kicking emotions, who has time for analysis? :) I'm also glad that others think that the way she told me about her pregnancy was....well, not so cool, to say the least.
Dinah, I had planned on visiting a bookstore this weekend - I'll definitely look for the book you suggested.
This is the end of the thread.
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