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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on August 2, 2002, at 20:26:13
It seems that with every new layer of trust that I reach with my therapist, I get an overwhelming sense of terror.
As I realize that we can get angry with each other and that we can get through it. As I realize that he is not going to decide to give up on me after a certain amount of time. As I peel back layer after layer of myself like an onion, each layer revealing more vulnerability and more of the parts of me that I find more unacceptable, and I find that he still accepts me. After each time I realize I am safe with him I feel an enormous sense of peace.
And every time it happens, I get a fresh wave of terror and an increased sense of fear. I know how tenuous this relationship is, in a way. He could decide to move, or leave private practice. I could run out of money. And I would be very low on his list of priorities in any of those cases (if he thought of me at all). And I realize again how foolish it is to invest so much trust in a relationship with a paid professional.
How can so much trust and so much fear go together?
Posted by Shawn. T. on August 3, 2002, at 4:11:21
In reply to Trust and fear, posted by Dinah on August 2, 2002, at 20:26:13
Your post really got me thinking about the connections between trust and fear. I wasn't exactly comfortable with what I came up with, so I looked at some web sites that dealt with this issue to some degree. I believe that the following link has some interesting insights with regards to the relationship between trust and fear. I can say that it made me see certain issues in a new light. I personally don't see any problem with spending money on an endeavor which leads to a better understanding of one's self. Perhaps you should try to consider what you are learning to be more important than what you might lose. Self-awareness is without a doubt one of the most important things in life; it appears as though you are doing quite well in this regard.
http://www.solarpassion.com/personal/trust_fear.htm
Shawn
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 6:35:57
In reply to Re: Trust and fear, posted by Shawn. T. on August 3, 2002, at 4:11:21
Hmmm. Thanks, Shawn. I think I understand what you're saying. It's similar to what my therapist says.
I should be concentrating on the positives I have gotten out of therapy, so that even if it ends I'm better off than where I was before.
Instead I concentrate on the fear of losing something I value.
I understand it, but I can't seem to translate that into action. :( I think if it ends, I'll be not only back to square one but a few squares before one, because I'll have invested so much of myself and been hurt. And when I'm hurt I determine never to be hurt again, so I don't make myself vulnerable to that hurt, which in this case means I won't trust again.
Ah well, maybe a few more years of therapy will help me with that....
Posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 3, 2002, at 7:03:54
In reply to Re: Trust and fear » Shawn. T., posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 6:35:57
But you're growing by going through the levels. You're reaching new levels of intimacy, and surviving the fear that comes with it. That's something you can take away regardless of what happens with the therapist. As my therapist would say, "Good work".
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 9:21:10
In reply to Re: Trust and fear » Dinah, posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 3, 2002, at 7:03:54
> But you're growing by going through the levels. You're reaching new levels of intimacy, and surviving the fear that comes with it. That's something you can take away regardless of what happens with the therapist. As my therapist would say, "Good work".
I guess that's true in theory, Tabitha. But in practice I feel I will take away nothing, and that...
I hate being melodramatic. It doesn't suit me at all. But I have a deep fear that if the therapy ends, so will I.
Posted by judy1 on August 3, 2002, at 11:30:29
In reply to Re: Trust and fear » .tabi.T.ha., posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 9:21:10
Well if anyone understands your fear of abandonment, I do Dinah. I have gone on ad nauseum about my ex-shrink's crossing of boundaries- but what really 'destroyed' me was that he abandoned me, once his colleagues told him he had overstepped boundaries he calmly informed me he could never see me again (after 2 years). I think that may be the worst case scenario, and yes I did attempt suicide but in retrospect I think I did it to hurt him. I had called him early in the morning and when he returned the call I had ODed and was slurring my words. He called 911, my stomach was pumped and I was held 72 hours. I relate this story because I sense your pdoc has never overstepped his boundaries, and has in fact reassured you he will be there for you. So this is your own insecurities speaking and you need to ask him if that's something the two of you can work on. It is critical to moving forward (I'mjust learning all of this- maybe we can together :-) and as I write it I think what a miracle it is that I am trusting a male pdoc again. I wish you all the best, and commend you on the progress you've made so far. Take care, judy
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 11:56:14
In reply to Re: Trust and fear- Dinah , posted by judy1 on August 3, 2002, at 11:30:29
Sorry about that.
It's something I definitely can't talk to my therapist about. He's a great guy, but he's got his faults. One of them is defensiveness. If I even hinted at what I hinted, he would cross his arms, tell me that my decision was my decision but he hoped I would make another one. And I'm afraid he wouldn't want to be in that deep and would terminate me. He doesn't like dependent women.
Besides, it's my thing, not his. And since it involves him, I don't want to bother him with it.
So forget I said anything. I plead temporary insanity.
Posted by judy1 on August 3, 2002, at 12:10:47
In reply to Re: I Probably shouldn't have said anything. » judy1, posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 11:56:14
Please don't apologize- these are your legitimate feelings. At least talk about it to your therapist (and sorry if that's how your pdoc would react- I guess I don't like him very much). Feeling dependent and trust go hand-in-hand, if he doesn't get that, he has some serious problems (and you most certainly do not) Sorry about my reaction, I get triggered a lot by certain pdoc behaviors. Take care, judy
Posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 12:35:33
In reply to OMG!! » Dinah, posted by judy1 on August 3, 2002, at 12:10:47
I'm sure I represented him poorly. It's just that I've gotten to know him over the years, and I trust my instincts that it would be an unwise choice to tell him that particular thing.
He does has his flaws, and that's part of what's working so well in therapy. I've learned to accept him warts and all, where early in therapy I would get angry when he fell short of what I thought he should be. Now I just smile and think, "That is so him". And I don't know, but I think it's a pretty good relationship skill to have. If it's something important, I hash it out with him anyway. But this isn't so important. I do talk to him about the fear that comes along with the trust, and we do talk about my fear of abandonment by him. It isn't necessary to mention the other.
Sorry to unintentionally trigger you.
Dinah
Posted by .tabi.T.ha. on August 3, 2002, at 18:11:28
In reply to Re: Trust and fear » .tabi.T.ha., posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 9:21:10
You know, when my therapist says stuff like that (like how I'm growing) I usually don't believe it either. All I think is "if this is growth why does it feel like s---".
Posted by judy1 on August 4, 2002, at 12:12:21
In reply to Re: Oh, no, no... » judy1, posted by Dinah on August 3, 2002, at 12:35:33
I hear you- you actually have a much more mature attitude towards your pdoc than I have towards mine. I idealize mine too much, I hate when I repeat behaviors- because that's what I did before with my ex-shrink, and that is why everything hit me so hard. You didn't trigger me at all, I just have to keep working on what happened. It's been over 2 years, but it's like a giant block that keeps me from progressing in other areas. Take care, judy
Posted by Phil on August 4, 2002, at 14:02:34
In reply to This is what happens when 2 SPOWers post » Dinah, posted by judy1 on August 4, 2002, at 12:12:21
Posted by Dinah on August 4, 2002, at 14:04:41
In reply to SPOWer? (nm) » judy1, posted by Phil on August 4, 2002, at 14:02:34
Is that right Madame President, Judy?
Posted by Phil on August 4, 2002, at 14:20:50
In reply to Re: Sensitive Person of the World » Phil, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2002, at 14:04:41
Posted by judy1 on August 4, 2002, at 16:00:32
In reply to Re: Sensitive Person of the World » Phil, posted by Dinah on August 4, 2002, at 14:04:41
Posted by judy1 on August 4, 2002, at 20:43:54
In reply to But not snarky people...that's good. (nm), posted by Phil on August 4, 2002, at 14:20:50
I think it would make a terrific bumper sticker. I have no clue what snarky means, nor do I want to- it sounds rude. Take care, judy
This is the end of the thread.
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