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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
I have suddenly got the notion that it is somehow wrong to go to church each week when somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that someday I will kill myself. That someday the psychological demands and stresses on me will outstrip my ability to cope and suicide will be the most logical solution.
It seems so ungrateful to God for all the wonderful things He has given me. I have so much to be thankful for, and so little to be sad about. And I'm just not as grateful as I should be.
So I go to church and squirm and feel a sense of unease rather than one of peace.
I can't talk to my pastor about it. I fear he is not the most discreet man on earth, although he is an excellent theologian and has many fine qualities.
Just venting a bit, I suppose. Nothing much to be done about it. I can't/won't take away the escape hatch of suicide from myself. And asking for forgiveness seems wrong when I'm unwilling to change my sin.
Posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 10, 2002, at 13:27:13
In reply to Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
> I have suddenly got the notion that it is somehow wrong to go to church each week when somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that someday I will kill myself.
----------------------------I talked to someone else about the very same thing recently, and I don't feel that you're in the wrong. Jesus never condemned anyone in the gospels for suicide.
Besides that, this is a situation fairly beyond your control. You didn't ask to have a depressive/suicidal brain, and you've been coping with it as best you can. Maybe it's splitting hairs, but I think that there's a gradation of volition in suicide. Some people might kill themsleves in a sudden fit of emotion, or to spite someone who has aggrieved them, having never really had the inclination. Another person may have the notion more deeply and simply, as it's almost part of the nature of their brain processes. True mental illness isn't an abberation of someone's normal state, it *is* their normal state. That's not to say that you throw your hands up and give in. As humans, we have the unique ability to evaluate and override our impulses. It's just much more difficult for some people.
I think the fact that you go to church is evidence of the truth that you're trying, and you want help. You can't punish yourself for sins you haven't committed. Everyone thinks about "immoral" things that they'd like to do (adultery, theivery, etc), and that's what makes religious devotion hard. Even Jesus was tempted on occasion. If it were easy, there wouldn't be much point to it.
Posted by Dinah on November 11, 2002, at 7:55:11
In reply to Re: Feeling guilty about going to church. » Dinah, posted by Eddie Sylvano on November 10, 2002, at 13:27:13
Hi Eddie,
I think you've hit the nail on the head on a couple of things.
First, I don't really consider my suicidal thoughts to be related to my illness, except that my illness might be adding to the psychological stress. I see it as more of a choice.
Second, you're completely right. I shouldn't feel so guilty about thoughts I haven't acted out on yet. When I act on them, I'll have to feel guilty about going to church.
I wonder if my OCD is acting up a bit. Because I usually recognize that second one.
Thanks for helping me sort things out a bit before I ended up confessing all to my pastor, which would have been a mistake.
Dinah
Posted by oracle on November 11, 2002, at 18:02:53
In reply to Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
> It seems so ungrateful to God for all the wonderful things He has given me. I have so much to be thankful for, and so little to be sad about. And I'm just not as grateful as I should be.
Do you think your god has anything to do with your illness ? Or to put it another way, why do we ascribe the good to god but not the bad.
If mental illness has a genetic part it seems that god has some responsibility in it.
Posted by Dinah on November 11, 2002, at 18:54:14
In reply to Re: Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by oracle on November 11, 2002, at 18:02:53
I *was* factoring that in, and still found much more to be grateful for than sad about.
Posted by oracle on November 12, 2002, at 0:55:07
In reply to Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
I think that you, too, are a wonderful thing.
You have been very frank about your problems
while your posts and actions on this board are well thought out. Your consern for others always shows through, even in the short posts.I hope your god sees the real effort you put into
your struggle to get better.
Posted by Dinah on November 12, 2002, at 8:09:12
In reply to Re: Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by oracle on November 12, 2002, at 0:55:07
Thank you, oracle.
This board and the people on it (and Dr. Bob too) have meant a lot to me, and have helped me in so many ways.
Dinah
Posted by rayww on November 13, 2002, at 0:30:09
In reply to Feeling guilty about going to church., posted by Dinah on November 10, 2002, at 10:33:16
> I have suddenly got the notion that it is somehow wrong to go to church each week when somewhere in the back of my mind is the idea that someday I will kill myself.
Matt. 9: 12
12 But when Jesus heard that, he said unto them, They that be whole need not a physician, but they that are sick.I seem to be hung up on scripture don't I? I believe God meets us in the depth of our greatest need. I believe he teaches us in our own understanding, and speaks to us in our own language, even that of not so many words. The purpose of religion is to help those in need. As is also the purpose of God.
This is the end of the thread.
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