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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on October 10, 2005, at 1:20:39
Hi Sonya, I was wondering how you are doing? Are you still eating more now? Do you feel any better?
I'm in my mid 30's and my ED started when I was around 12 or 13 and I had body issue problems since I was 8 or 9? I can't exactly remember.
I can't get rid of this beast. It's me ... I am scared to let go.
Maxime
Posted by Sonya on October 10, 2005, at 8:00:09
In reply to Sonya?, posted by Maxime on October 10, 2005, at 1:20:39
Hi Maxime
Thanks for your concern. After my pdoc's lecture of last Friday I increased my caloric intake this weekend. I GAINED 2 LBS! When I got on the scale this morning, I got so depressed. I feel like a total failure. I didn't eat any junk food, just small portions of protein (chicken, eggs) and more veggies. So today I'm back to 500 cal or less and I don't care what pdoc says. I'm petrified of gaining. Besides the additional calories didn't make me feel any better. I was still real tired by mid-day. I think it's the Wellbutrin.
I'm so sorry you've been dealing with your ED for so long. It must be very disabling. I know I get too preoccupied with my diet so it's hard to think about anything else. It feels like it becomes my life, the only reason why I keep living. If I get fat again, I don't want to live...I hate myself too much.
> Hi Sonya, I was wondering how you are doing? Are you still eating more now? Do you feel any better?
>
> I'm in my mid 30's and my ED started when I was around 12 or 13 and I had body issue problems since I was 8 or 9? I can't exactly remember.
>
> I can't get rid of this beast. It's me ... I am scared to let go.
>
> Maxime
Posted by Maxime on October 10, 2005, at 14:09:38
In reply to Re: Sonya? » Maxime, posted by Sonya on October 10, 2005, at 8:00:09
((( Sonya ))) Two pounds could be water weight. It could be anything. Just think you were eating less than 500 cals and not losing. Then for several days you ate well and the scale went up only 2 pounds. Okay, I know 2 pounds is scary for us. But I bet you thought it would have gone up more.
Anyhow, I think you need to talk to your therapist. Find out if she has experience dealing with EDs. If not, find a therapist that does. It doesn't mean you have to give up your behaviours. It means you can you work on the issues now and not carry them around with you for as long I have.
You can babble mail me any time okay or email me at need2starve@yahoo.ca
Maxime
> Hi Maxime
>
> Thanks for your concern. After my pdoc's lecture of last Friday I increased my caloric intake this weekend. I GAINED 2 LBS! When I got on the scale this morning, I got so depressed. I feel like a total failure. I didn't eat any junk food, just small portions of protein (chicken, eggs) and more veggies. So today I'm back to 500 cal or less and I don't care what pdoc says. I'm petrified of gaining. Besides the additional calories didn't make me feel any better. I was still real tired by mid-day. I think it's the Wellbutrin.
>
> I'm so sorry you've been dealing with your ED for so long. It must be very disabling. I know I get too preoccupied with my diet so it's hard to think about anything else. It feels like it becomes my life, the only reason why I keep living. If I get fat again, I don't want to live...I hate myself too much.
>
> > Hi Sonya, I was wondering how you are doing? Are you still eating more now? Do you feel any better?
> >
> > I'm in my mid 30's and my ED started when I was around 12 or 13 and I had body issue problems since I was 8 or 9? I can't exactly remember.
> >
> > I can't get rid of this beast. It's me ... I am scared to let go.
> >
> > Maxime
>
>
Posted by Sonya on October 11, 2005, at 8:04:43
In reply to Re: Sonya?, posted by Maxime on October 10, 2005, at 14:09:38
Phew...I lost the 2 lbs I gained from the weekend. I feel really lousy though (physically)...tremors, tiredness, tension.
Posted by Augustina on October 11, 2005, at 14:53:11
In reply to Sonya?, posted by Maxime on October 10, 2005, at 1:20:39
i hope it's okay if i chime in...
i too have had an ED since I was around 10yo or so and I'm now 38yo. I don't want to let go of this beast either...it's become my life really. And I also have similar feelings of desperation when I gain weight, even if it's "just" a few pounds. The thoughts of how I can lose weight, what I need to restrict, how much more I need to exercise are so time and energy consuming. I feel so much ambivalence towards this disorder...a part of me wants to just not worry about how i look, how much i weigh, how my clothes fit...and just live life in a more self-accepting way. The other part of me wants to keep going with this...b/c if i lose more weight I'd be "happy".
(at least that's the fantasy i live in). Thanks for listening.
Posted by Sonya on October 11, 2005, at 15:18:51
In reply to Re: Sonya?, posted by Augustina on October 11, 2005, at 14:53:11
Glad you chimed in, Augustina. You pretty much summed up the way I feel, especially about getting happy with more weight loss. But I remember that even in the past when I got down to what I felt was my ideal weight, it didn't particularly make me any happier because I was so scared of not *staying* at that weight.
Sonya
> i hope it's okay if i chime in...
>
> i too have had an ED since I was around 10yo or so and I'm now 38yo. I don't want to let go of this beast either...it's become my life really. And I also have similar feelings of desperation when I gain weight, even if it's "just" a few pounds. The thoughts of how I can lose weight, what I need to restrict, how much more I need to exercise are so time and energy consuming. I feel so much ambivalence towards this disorder...a part of me wants to just not worry about how i look, how much i weigh, how my clothes fit...and just live life in a more self-accepting way. The other part of me wants to keep going with this...b/c if i lose more weight I'd be "happy".
> (at least that's the fantasy i live in). Thanks for listening.
>
Posted by Augustina on October 11, 2005, at 16:45:20
In reply to Re: Sonya? » Augustina, posted by Sonya on October 11, 2005, at 15:18:51
> Glad you chimed in, Augustina. You pretty much summed up the way I feel, especially about getting happy with more weight loss. But I remember that even in the past when I got down to what I felt was my ideal weight, it didn't particularly make me any happier because I was so scared of not *staying* at that weight.
>
> Sonya
>
> >
That's so true, Sonya. Once I achieve that "ideal weight" it becomes a challenge to maintain it b/c my body's natural tendency is to NOT be at such a low body weight for my frame. It becomes this very tricky situation where I'm watching every single thing I eat plus making sure I workout hard enough to burn all those calories.
The thing is, I make myself believe I am in a much happier state of mind b/c I'm being so "good" w/my weight loss regimen. It really is a sick cycle that's so hard for me to break.
Every night I go to bed dreaming of ways I can be even better the next day...I don't know how to stop this. (and I'm not even sure I WANT to stop it).
I also feel like the more I talk to my T about it, the more I want to continue feeding my ED. (sorry for the poor choice of words).
Yet, I persist on w/my therapy...maybe one day a light bulb will go on and I will want to truly work on getting better. My T believes though that I DO want to get better b/c otherwise I wouldn't keep going back to therapy week after week. He's probably correct. Right now though, it's a lot of talking things through, especially about my particular behaviors yet I make it known to him that at this point, I do not want to change these behaviors...
I'll end my ramblings now. :-)
-A.
Posted by Racer on October 11, 2005, at 18:17:31
In reply to Re: Sonya?, posted by Augustina on October 11, 2005, at 16:45:20
Here's what I've found, after a year of pretty intensive threatment for my ED:
1. I don't really want to recover, I miss being thin, I want to look the way I did, I still feel as though eating and getting to a healthier weight are a punishment. And for all that, I know that I'm better off with the treatment, with the improved nutrition, with the higher weight, even. The biggest improvement is that I can think much more clearly now. For that alone, it's probably worth not being thin.
1a. In other words, it's OK to be conflicted about recovery adn treatment, and you can continue to be ambivalent while you change your behaviors.
2. No weight ever feels right to me. That's a hint that it's not really about the weight. I feel too fat over 160, and too fat under 100. With that the case, I probably do need to talk to a doctor about what a healthy weight is for me at my size. The same is probably true for you, too.
3. Eating is frightening. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop, because I never feel as though I've eaten enough, so I always try to eat much less than what's on my meal plan. That doesn't work, though. In order to learn to trust myself, I gotta learn to eat enough that I can find out that I do stop. {sigh} Not easy.
4. It ain't easy. There's no question it ain't easy to recover, or to learn to accept our bodies. But that is probably a good goal, doncha think?
just a little random rambling. Hope something there made sense.
Posted by Sonya on October 11, 2005, at 18:35:19
In reply to Both o' youse, posted by Racer on October 11, 2005, at 18:17:31
Racer,
Does it mean I don't have an ED because I feel I DO have an ideal weight? It's just that once I get there, it doesn't particularly make things any better but at least I don't feel fat.
And thanks for your ramblings...it is beneficial.
Sonya
Posted by Racer on October 11, 2005, at 20:57:24
In reply to Re: Both o' youse » Racer, posted by Sonya on October 11, 2005, at 18:35:19
> Racer,
>
> Does it mean I don't have an ED because I feel I DO have an ideal weight?Nope, sorry. I usually have some sort of ideal weight in mind, too, but then get kinda paranoid about it, so I lose a little to give myself a little breathing room, which then leads to losing a little more, so that I can relax a little more about what I eat, which leads to -- madness.
Also, the biggest thing about 'eating disorder' when you come right down to it is that your eating patterns are disordered. If you're eating 500 calories a day, and are upset because you're not losing weight -- that's disordered eating. Once it gets to such a state that you're experiencing this sort of distress, it's disordered eating.
As for your two pounds over a weekend? That can't happen. That was nothing more than a combination of water and waste products. Here's the math, very briefly:
One pound is equal to 3500 calories. In order to gain one pound, you have to eat 3500 calories MORE THAN YOU EXPEND. Your body would burn somewhere in the range of 1000 to about 2000 calories per day if you stayed in bed without moving. Since you probably don't stay in bed without moving, you're burning more calories than that. Therefore, in order to gain one pound over the course of two days, you'd have to eat somewhere in the neighborhood of 10,000 calories! I very much doubt you did that, right?
That "weight" was probably made up of two things: the waste products that were still in your gastrointestinal tract, and water that was involved in digesting your food. One of the biggest problems with refeeding is that digestion does mean that there's going to be some extra fluid in your belly area, helping your food digest. Carbohydrates increase the amount of that fluid, which makes them especially problematic. But they're also the foundation of a healthy diet. (I've got trouble meeting the carb goals on my plan, even after a year, but I know that it's true.) The ONLY way to fix this problem is to eat regularly, and eat enough.
The good news is that your metabolism should kick back into gear after a pretty short period of eating more normally. One phenomenon of refeeding anorexics is that there's usually a period of weight *loss* during the refeeding cycle, caused by the metabolism recovering. At that point, most people need to increase their caloric intake a great deal to continue gaining weight. That didn't happen with me, probably because I've continued to waver between eating and not eating so that my metabolism is still screwy, but I've seen it happen with other women in my support group.
>
> And thanks for your ramblings...it is beneficial.
>
> SonyaI'm glad it helped. Maybe when my brain is engaged again, I can offer more...
Posted by Sonya on October 12, 2005, at 10:48:52
In reply to Re: Both o' youse, posted by Racer on October 11, 2005, at 20:57:24
Racer, your brain seems very engaged to me. Mine should be so engaged.
I do believe what you said about caloric intake and caloric expenditure. I just have a hard time coming to terms with the idea that increasing calories and maintaining a healthy diet is a good thing. My intellect knows this is the proper thing to do. My emotions say "no way".
With the info you gave me, I plan to make every attempt to forget the diet and not weigh myself on the weekends but return to my routine during the week.
Thanks a bunch, Racer. You're a peach.
Sonya
This is the end of the thread.
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