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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 19 of 19. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 0:13:09
My therapist of 16 years retired recently. After our termination session (last session), he gave me a close hug. I am a female. I am very attached to him. He would never allow any physical contact. I am grateful for the hug but confused. Can anyone give advice?
Posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 1:55:08
In reply to therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 0:13:09
Can you feel grateful for it?
Therapists often keep boundaries, but they have strong feelings and sometimes feel that boundaries should be (what is the word?) exceeded.
Posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 7:51:25
In reply to therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 0:13:09
I suppose it depends on what you want...
You said you were attached to him. Do you mean, as a therapist, or more?
In all likelihood, because he was retiring, he was willing to loosen a few boundaries (i.e. if he saw you the next day on the sidewalk, as a non-therapist, it would be perfectly fine, if concentual). Seeing as you were a long term client, there would be quite a bit of invested emotion, and it may just be a gesture of his inability to help you in the future (i.e. send you on your way with all he could).
So, I'm not sure, from your post, whether you were offended, or seeing it as a gesture towards a future relationship (if that is desired, or possible).
Not sure.
Linkadge
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 8:25:50
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 1:55:08
> Can you feel grateful for it?
>
> Therapists often keep boundaries, but they have strong feelings and sometimes feel that boundaries should be (what is the word?) exceeded.You are right. I was very grateful for it. I later was confused because he said he couldn't even shake hands with a client. I think he was sad at the ending, too. I'm going through grief at this loss. I miss being able to call him if I had a concern.
Thanks for your insight.
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 9:44:11
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » widget, posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 7:51:25
> I suppose it depends on what you want...
>
> You said you were attached to him. Do you mean, as a therapist, or more?
>
> In all likelihood, because he was retiring, he was willing to loosen a few boundaries (i.e. if he saw you the next day on the sidewalk, as a non-therapist, it would be perfectly fine, if concentual). Seeing as you were a long term client, there would be quite a bit of invested emotion, and it may just be a gesture of his inability to help you in the future (i.e. send you on your way with all he could).
>
> So, I'm not sure, from your post, whether you were offended, or seeing it as a gesture towards a future relationship (if that is desired, or possible).
>
> Not sure.
>
> Linkadge
>
>
>
Hi, what I want is for him to continue therapy with me. He said therapy is not the problem, its the cost of a practice, office, expenses, insurance difficulties, etc. So, why couldn't he just continue with me?
Posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 13:51:44
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 9:44:11
I see where you are coming from.
Not sure about his decision process. But, it is clear that he will miss at least some of his clients.
Linkadge
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 14:28:07
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » widget, posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 13:51:44
> I see where you are coming from.
>
> Not sure about his decision process. But, it is clear that he will miss at least some of his clients.
>
> LinkadgeHis decision process? Can you explain?
Widget
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 14:36:42
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » widget, posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 13:51:44
> I see where you are coming from.
>
> Not sure about his decision process. But, it is clear that he will miss at least some of his clients.
>
> LinkadgeYes, I think he will miss me. I told him before I would miss talking to him and he said he would miss talking to me.
Widget
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 14:38:14
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » widget, posted by linkadge on September 3, 2018, at 13:51:44
> I see where you are coming from.
>
> Not sure about his decision process. But, it is clear that he will miss at least some of his clients.
>
> LinkadgeYes, I think he will miss me. I told him before I would miss talking to him and he said he would miss talking to me.
can you explain what you mean by his decision process?
Widget
Posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 16:41:21
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 1:55:08
> Can you feel grateful for it?
>
> Therapists often keep boundaries, but they have strong feelings and sometimes feel that boundaries should be (what is the word?) exceeded.I am trying to interpret it. Should he have asked if it was ok with me first?
Widget
Posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 21:12:19
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by widget on September 3, 2018, at 16:41:21
>I am trying to interpret it. Should he have asked if it was ok with me first?
He was saying goodbye to you. You meant something to him. In your sessions he felt the things you spoke about. He wants to make a sign of his feelings.
If this is in any way correct or appropriate (given I know nothing), then no, he should not have asked you.
But was it OK with you?
Posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:05:42
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » widget, posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 21:12:19
Yes, it is. I am having a hard time wanting to see him again..
Posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 22:11:07
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » sigismund, posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:05:42
Well then he told you that you really did mean something to him.
My T, from years ago, spoke about me carrying her inside me when I could actually do that.
Posted by sigismund on September 3, 2018, at 22:13:06
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » sigismund, posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:05:42
And I think wanting to see him again is like that. It is painful, because you have feelings. One meaning of to want is to lack.
Posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:32:49
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » sigismund, posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:05:42
> Yes, it is. I am having a hard time wanting to see him again..
Did you ever see your T again?
Posted by sigismund on September 4, 2018, at 3:17:54
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by Widget on September 3, 2018, at 22:32:49
That wa a long time ago'. I saw my T for 16 years or so. Now she is dead. But some of that remains in me.
Posted by widget on September 4, 2018, at 8:12:40
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session » Widget, posted by sigismund on September 4, 2018, at 3:17:54
> That wa a long time ago'. I saw my T for 16 years or so. Now she is dead. But some of that remains in me.
You have been very kind, thank you. It helps to talk to someone who understands. Funny how I knew yet didn't know how final this was. I keep hoping it won't be. The mind is an amazing thing.
Posted by baseball55 on September 4, 2018, at 17:51:56
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by widget on September 4, 2018, at 8:12:40
I ended therapy with a guy I was deeply attached to, mostly because I felt we had accomplished most of what was needed and I felt like he would be proud of me for ending. A few months later, I was crazy to see him again and, 7 years later, I still see him 5-6 times a year. I can't imagine not having him in my life. But he's 79 and I know he will retire soon. Your therapist is not your's to keep and that's a very hard thing to come to terms with.
When I tried to end back then, my therapist also said that he would miss seeing me and talking to me. Remember that they love you too, within the circumscribed boundaries of the relationship. My guy once said that you can't do long term therapy with someone unless you can find something you love about them. It's an intense and emotional process on both ends.
So the hug was just a way of expressing affection and saying goodbye. But even without the hug, it's natural that you miss him terribly. I know it's going to be hard on me when my therapist retires (or gets sick, dies). But he will and every time I see him and leave his office walking on air (because I just love talking to him), I try to remind myself of this.
Posted by Lamdage22 on September 13, 2018, at 8:47:11
In reply to Re: therapist hugs me after termination session, posted by baseball55 on September 4, 2018, at 17:51:56
A female naturopath hugged me once. I guess she felt sorry
This is the end of the thread.
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