![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 78. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 22, 2016, at 11:25:17
Hey everyone. I've read through lots of threads and its a great supportive community. My current diagnosis is bipolar 2 with gad, social anxiety, panic attacks and I don't know what else. I've been this way as long as I can remember. I've been on the med go round and starting to think there are none that will work for me. Either I can't tolerate the side effects or they don't help much. I'm currently in a pretty bad depression and spend probably 90% of my time or more this way. I used to rapid cycle but not anymore. When I'm hypo manic it's also dysphoric so that's not pleasant the very few times it happens now. Maybe it rarely happens now because of meds. I just live in depression. Currently I take lamotrigine 200mg and clonazepam 0.5, 2 daily and 3 at night. I've tried so many. I can't go higher on lamotrigine because I go into a complete stupor and my hands already shake badly. I've done it before and it doesn't help anyways. I don't know how to climb out of this hole. Im 38 with 2 teens. I ruminate on the thought that once they are on their own I will end it all. I think of dying a lot and always have a negative dialog ye in my head. I've been very stressed lately because of financial issues, and trying to tie up lose ends with husband so we can divorce and just life in general. I can't even see my psychiatrist often because I live in a remote area where he only comes once in awhile. I feel like I'm spiraling into something worse... I am starting to hear water running when it's not, weird body sensations, repeating things over and over in my head and difficulty sleeping. I'm always talking to myself in my head negatively. I have no energy, I'm scared to leave the house but I do very reluctantly when necessary. It's an effort even to take a shower. My kids and boyfriend think I'm just lazy. I haven't told my bf about my diagnosis because he'd run just from the labels. He's a business man with a reputation to uphold. He thinks I just have anxiety and don't like to socialize. I feel lost and alone. I have my kids but they are teens with their own lives and they get frustrated by me. I have no family or friends around. I guess I'm just here to see how other people cope and have some online friends who understand. Thanks for having me on here.
Posted by Tabitha on February 22, 2016, at 13:34:17
In reply to Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 22, 2016, at 11:25:17
Hi and welcome. My heart goes out to you, it sounds like you are going through a lot of internal suffering, life stressors, and aren't getting great results from treatment. I can really relate to the non-stop critical thoughts. That is one of my main symptoms when I am depressed. I also hate the confusion about whether it's just "laziness" when a person is having trouble functioning. I even accuse myself of this, and don't always realize I am having symptoms of depression.
I wish I had answers for you. I think it's great that you recognize that you are having symptoms, and that you're reaching out, and that you're trying different medications. It's hard to accept the endless merry-go-round of treatment, but it seems at this point in time that's the state of the art for psychiatric treatment. Hopefully you will be able to get a combo that will keep your brain somewhere close to functional.
What's your next step for your treatment?
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 22, 2016, at 15:24:06
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by Tabitha on February 22, 2016, at 13:34:17
I don't what's next.. I haven't even got a call for my next appt. He keeps suggesting an anti depressant but I won't even go there. They have truly driven me to the brink of insanity. I just want to sleep all day but never get a restful sleep.
He suggested I apply for disability but you have to go on welfare first and I scrape by on child support. I don't know if I'd qualify for welfare but having meds paid for would sure help. It's also a battle to get disability and I'm not up for battles.
I'm just having difficulty coping with no support. My boyfriend or children don't understand. I'm tired of living this way. 😢
Posted by Horse on February 22, 2016, at 19:52:18
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 22, 2016, at 15:24:06
Sounds like we have similar diagnoses. I was cyclothymic before I became BP ll. Social anxiety first, then GAD after my kid was born. I live in a remote area, though luckily near a small city, so I get regular care. Living more remotely has intensified my illnesses because the social anxiety makes seeing people and going into town a big deal. Before, I lived in town, and I'd walk around, bumping into friends, etc. Made things easier.
Have you tried an AD while on the lamictal? I can take one now that I am on 200 mg. Couldn't before (dysphoria). I take brintellix now and before that lexapro. There's wellbutrin, too, though it could provoke anxiety. You need to treat that depression, so put your head together with your pdoc. Don't despair, there is some way you can get relief.
Recently I added modafinil (provigil) and it's been a miracle for energy and mood. I mean, if I have a little more energy, then I am less depressed.
I don't know about disability, but I suggest asking your doctor about pursuing it. He may know of a lawyer that you could consult. Disability is usually handled by lawyers who charge no fee until after you win your case.
This board is only a small percent of what it used to be. There are other support sites like Daily Strength which is very good for emotional and social support. Crazy Meds can be very helpful, too, although not quite as friendly imo.
Hang in there and best wishes.
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 23, 2016, at 0:12:33
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Horse on February 22, 2016, at 19:52:18
Thank you for your support. Yes, small town community is difficult to deal with. I also got a sever knee injury which everyone asks me about and my son plays rep hockey. I love watching him play but bring my daughter and sit in a section away from the crowd. I'm also fairly new here in a very cliquish town. I injured myself at the biggest store in town and I dread going there because every asks me questions and look at me with pity. I just want to hide from life. I have no job and with my depression, anxiety and knee injury Im too scared to look but would love some independence and less financial fears. I just can't do an anti depressant. Major med phobia because of them. All have been a horrible experience. I also have a fear of weight gain. I gained weight on ability, lithium and latuda which I can't seem to drop. I will look into the prodigal and Brintellix.. Anything that helps I'll try except ad'sad's.
Posted by Hugh on February 26, 2016, at 14:20:03
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 23, 2016, at 0:12:33
Would you consider trying ketamine? Since you live in a small town, you probably wouldn't have access to IV ketamine infusions or ketamine injections, but you could probably get ketamine nasal spray fairly easily.
Deahoidar recently posted here that he gets a three-month supply of intranasal ketamine for $70. This ketamine story was broadcast by NPR yesterday.
http://commonhealth.wbur.org/2016/02/depression-ketamine
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 26, 2016, at 17:42:07
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Hugh on February 26, 2016, at 14:20:03
I would but I doubt my psychiatrist would prescribe it. He's fairly reserved and the studies are still new. Up here in small towns in Ontario can be a little behind the times unfortunately. I heard the response is almost immediate. One day perhaps I'll have the chance if they do it sometime in the near future. I know I couldn't afford the injection for sure but a nasal spray would be way cheaper than my current meds.
Posted by Horse on February 26, 2016, at 22:59:58
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 26, 2016, at 17:42:07
> I would but I doubt my psychiatrist would prescribe it. He's fairly reserved and the studies are still new. Up here in small towns in Ontario can be a little behind the times unfortunately. I heard the response is almost immediate. One day perhaps I'll have the chance if they do it sometime in the near future. I know I couldn't afford the injection for sure but a nasal spray would be way cheaper than my current meds.
He might be willing to prescribe this. Ketamine is becoming fairly well known. I hear it can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 2:46:42
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by Horse on February 26, 2016, at 22:59:58
> > I would but I doubt my psychiatrist would prescribe it. He's fairly reserved and the studies are still new. Up here in small towns in Ontario can be a little behind the times unfortunately. I heard the response is almost immediate. One day perhaps I'll have the chance if they do it sometime in the near future. I know I couldn't afford the injection for sure but a nasal spray would be way cheaper than my current meds.
>
>
> He might be willing to prescribe this. Ketamine is becoming fairly well known. I hear it can last anywhere from a few days to a few weeks.Intranasal ketamine can be administered every few days to maintain remission. Someone I know is using it once every 5 days. I don't know how well it would work if taken every day.
http://ecompoundingpharmacy.com/
- Scott
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 8:26:52
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 2:46:42
Thank you for the suggestion... I had been reading up on it. I've been doing med research.I think my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because of my refusal to take an anti depressant. I've tried lots of meds but not all and he seems pretty conventional. He'll likely want me to try every single other drug before something new. I had a good response to ability at first. Too good. It made me hypo manic and I started to spend a lot of money. It felt good though to get my butt off the couch and feel energized. I have some left and am so tempted to take it for a few days just to feel good. It was also very expensive though. I've been really depressed for awhile. I know without the lamotrigine I would probably be even worse. Once I reach a certain low I often get a mixed episode. Often around April. Hopefully I'll get an appt with my Dr soon and something positive happens.
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 9:24:35
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 8:26:52
> Thank you for the suggestion... I had been reading up on it. I've been doing med research.I think my psychiatrist is frustrated with me because of my refusal to take an anti depressant. I've tried lots of meds but not all and he seems pretty conventional. He'll likely want me to try every single other drug before something new. I had a good response to ability at first. Too good. It made me hypo manic and I started to spend a lot of money. It felt good though to get my butt off the couch and feel energized. I have some left and am so tempted to take it for a few days just to feel good. It was also very expensive though. I've been really depressed for awhile. I know without the lamotrigine I would probably be even worse. Once I reach a certain low I often get a mixed episode. Often around April. Hopefully I'll get an appt with my Dr soon and something positive happens.
You have a good handle on what your illness is all about. That will work in your favor.
What dosage of Abilify do you take?
There is an Abilify-like drug called Rexulti (brexpiprazole). It works on dopamine D3 receptors less potently than Abilify. Theoretically, it is less liable to induce mania.
If nothing else works for you, you can add an antimanic mood stabilizer to Abilify. My guess is that Trileptal or Depakote will help prevent Abilify mania.
What would happen if you were to discontinue the Abilify and add lithium to Lamictal?
- Scott
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 9:59:11
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 9:24:35
I have tried lithium and Depakote. Lithium caused problems with my blood levels and heart and I was starting to not take it so much because I was so depressed. I gained weight and felt like a zombie on Depakote. I am currently on lamotrjfine and clonazepam. Not on ability anymore but so tempted to take it for a few days just to feel better. I have med phobia as well so startinc a new med terrifies me.i also can't afford these meds. Some days I feel like throwing them all in the garbage. I'm 38band have lived with this literally forever. I just have had it. Everyone e thinks I'm lazy,unmotivated, anti social and a head case. I've ruined so many relationships and think I'm on the way to ruining another. My kids live me and they are the only things that have kept me going but my bipolar has affected them too. I feel just hopeless. I want to hide in my room all the time. I'm broken financially but terrified to even look for a job and my knee is so messed I don't think I could find a job in this town. My ex is angry and feels like I live off his child support and he's right. My life is pathetic lol!
Posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 13:38:34
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 9:59:11
> My life is pathetic lol!
It's not your fault - you know that. Who knows what your life would be like had you not had the strength to keep it all together. You do what you need to do to survive.
What specifically worries you about taking medication? What medications are you most afraid of?
Interestingly, there is someone here with bipolar mixed-states who does well on a combination of Geodon and Trileptal.
- Scott
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 14:02:46
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by SLS on February 27, 2016, at 13:38:34
I am terrified of the side effects. I've had some horrible reactions on anti depressants which they keep trying to push on me. I'm scared of being a zombie like on serequel and Depakote where I can't even drive. I'm scared of gaining a lot of weight. I still haven't taken weight off from medications I tried last year. I have major issues with my body. I'm scared of losing more of my already thin hair. I have kids and a boyfriend who witness these side effects and they don't understand. When I feel I can't drive due to feeling so doped up they think I'm being lazy or exaggerating. My boyfriend disagrees with meds in general. He met me when I was slightly hypo manic so he met me in what he thinks is the good side of me. He thinks meds have made me worse but he doesn't understand that state was temporary and has no clue that when I hit a bad low all I want to do is die. He's very mentally healthy and just thinks people need to learn to cope and not stress over things. If he knew how truly messed up I am I doubt We'd even be together. I live for my kids, that's it. And even then I suck as a mom half the time. I just pray they never suffer this.
Posted by SLS on February 28, 2016, at 9:48:55
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 14:02:46
I understand your reluctance.
How would you feel if you were to take no drugs at all?
How often do you experience hypomania? Is it drug-related?
To describe my personal preferences here is in no way meant to be a judgement of the choices you have made or may make in the future.
We are all different in the choices we make. I made a decision long ago that I would gladly suffer side effects in order to be free of depression and live an otherwise normal life. For me, weight gain is the side effect that I loath most. For now, I need Abilify in order to feel better, even though I gained a lot of weight on it. I don't like the way I feel on SSRIs for reasons similar to yours. I stay away from them. However, I have found drugs that produce few side effects. Effexor and Cymbalta have been okay for me. Viibryd produced no side effects at all. I responded well to it, but only for a short while.
Desipramine sometimes works well when SSRIs don't work at all. Desipramine might cause you to lose weight. It does with me. There can be some annoying side effects in the beginning, including dry mouth, increased heart rate, and blurred vision. I like these side effects better than the sexual side effects, weight gain, blunted affect, and apathy caused by SSRIs.
I hope you find an answer quickly.
- Scott
Posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 20:09:02
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by SLS on February 28, 2016, at 9:48:55
> I understand your reluctance.
>
> How would you feel if you were to take no drugs at all?
>
> How often do you experience hypomania? Is it drug-related?
>
> To describe my personal preferences here is in no way meant to be a judgement of the choices you have made or may make in the future.
>
> We are all different in the choices we make. I made a decision long ago that I would gladly suffer side effects in order to be free of depression and live an otherwise normal life. For me, weight gain is the side effect that I loath most. For now, I need Abilify in order to feel better, even though I gained a lot of weight on it. I don't like the way I feel on SSRIs for reasons similar to yours. I stay away from them. However, I have found drugs that produce few side effects. Effexor and Cymbalta have been okay for me. Viibryd produced no side effects at all. I responded well to it, but only for a short while.
>
> Desipramine sometimes works well when SSRIs don't work at all. Desipramine might cause you to lose weight. It does with me. There can be some annoying side effects in the beginning, including dry mouth, increased heart rate, and blurred vision. I like these side effects better than the sexual side effects, weight gain, blunted affect, and apathy caused by SSRIs.
>
> I hope you find an answer quickly.
>
>
> - Scott
Friends,
The poster here is advocating to take mind-altering chemicals that are called "medicines" here in order to have depression go away. But at what cost? And do the drugs do that?
The drugs advocated here could induce suicidal thinking and homicidal thinking. Innocent people are killed each day by people taking these drugs and there are thousands of the drug takers killed by the drugs advocated here each month. And the drugs can be addictive. A life time of misery could result from taking theses drugs.
Do you want to be like Scott? Thinking that taking this drug or that drug and going on to the next drug in a merry-go-round and all the while you could be killed by the drug or become addicted or suffer a life time of misery while your on the train that could lead you to your death?
I am prevented here by Mr. Hsiung to tell you how you could get off the train that could lead you to your death. What a tragedy here to see that a psychiatrist prohibits me from posting from a Jewish perspective that I think could save your life and lead you out of the darkness of depression. And to see this deception being carried out to innocent readers thinking that a psychiatrist is the engineer of this train which could give it credibility as being safer than it really is because he says that what you see is supportive if it is not addressed by him, and worse, if it is not supportive and he allows it, he is doing so that it will be good for his community to allow it to be seen as supportive so he thinks. But why is the standard here, to be good for the whole of his community, more important than your life? Do not lives matter here? Are you all so beguiled by psychiatry that by doing what will be good for the whole of Mr. Hsiung's community is more important than the lives of people? Who will have the blood of those killed upon them by these drugs being allowed to be promoted here as being safer than they really are so that people suffer a horrible death by them? Where will your train stop?
Lou
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 20:35:01
In reply to Lou's warning-train to death » SLS, posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 20:09:02
I've been unmedicated in the past and attempted Suicide. I know my brain chemicals are out of wack but its a matter of finding the right ones. It's just unfortunate that I have a fear of trying new meds because doctors, not psychiatrists prescribed anti depressants without a mood stabilizer not knowing I was bipolar. I would appreciate if you deleted your post. People could kill themselves if they follow your preaching or fall into psychosis and do things they'll regret for a lifetime. You know the guy who beheaded the man on the bus? He was schizophrenic and unmedicated. Don't preach meds are bad when they are life savers to some. I may not get there but I know pharmaceuticals have a place in treating psychiatrict illnesses just as antibiotics do for infection.
Posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 21:01:27
In reply to Re: Lou's warning-train to death, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 20:35:01
> I've been unmedicated in the past and attempted Suicide. I know my brain chemicals are out of wack but its a matter of finding the right ones. It's just unfortunate that I have a fear of trying new meds because doctors, not psychiatrists prescribed anti depressants without a mood stabilizer not knowing I was bipolar. I would appreciate if you deleted your post. People could kill themselves if they follow your preaching or fall into psychosis and do things they'll regret for a lifetime. You know the guy who beheaded the man on the bus? He was schizophrenic and unmedicated. Don't preach meds are bad when they are life savers to some. I may not get there but I know pharmaceuticals have a place in treating psychiatrict illnesses just as antibiotics do for infection.
Friends,
Be not deceived. People commit suicide outside of if they are taking these drugs or not. But the drugs can increase suicidal/homicidal thinking. Psychotic people given these drugs can commit mass-murder. There is no anti-suicidal drug. The army is trying to make one. The army has suicides and the people taking the drugs promoted here kill themselves while they are also taking these drugs. Giving mass-murderers these drugs does not stop them from killing, but could increase suicidal/homicidal urges. Be not deceived.
Lou
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 21:08:01
In reply to Lou's warning-no anti-suicidal pill » Fiftylager1, posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 21:01:27
I posted here for advice and support.. Not religious, anti medication preaching. Since this board is no longer moderated can I say f*ck off and stay off my thread? Clearly I am in no MOOD for it.
Posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 21:39:37
In reply to Re: Lou's warning-no anti-suicidal pill, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 21:08:01
> I posted here for advice and support.. Not religious, anti medication preaching. Since this board is no longer moderated can I say f*ck off and stay off my thread? Clearly I am in no MOOD for it.
Friends,
Be not deceived. This board is open to different perspectives and posting a response to what is posted here is what this forum is dedicated to. For The Golden Rules is advocated by Mr. Hsiung to be implemented in your posts here.
Support is not the same as reinforcement. If someone posted here that the Earth was flat, would all the posts in that thread have to reinforce that false claim? And how about if someone is promoting a drug here without stating the real consequences to the drug that could seriously mislead readers to think that the drugs are safer than they really are? And what about the children could be led to their deaths by thinking that what is posted here about these drugs will be some type of remedy to their depression when 1000s are killed by these drugs each month?
Readers, be not deceived. Mr. Hsiung's goal for his forum is for support and education. Censoring is not education, but intellectual dishonesty.
Lou
Posted by SLS on February 28, 2016, at 22:10:15
In reply to Re: Lou's warning-no anti-suicidal pill, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 21:08:01
Hi.
I'm very sorry that you've been Pildered.
I took the liberty of taking Lou's name out of the subject line by rewriting it. I try to remember to do this any time I reply to his posts.
In my experience, it is best to ignore entirely the posts of Lou Pilder. His behavior is refractory to all requests to modify it.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on February 28, 2016, at 22:14:19
In reply to Lou's warning-train to death » SLS, posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 20:09:02
Just because you had a bad experience with medication does not mean that all people will have similarly bad experiences.
Please explain to Psycho-Babble the reasons why you stopped taking medication as a treatment for your bipolar disorder.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on February 28, 2016, at 22:28:04
In reply to Lou's warning-censoring is not education, posted by Lou Pilder on February 28, 2016, at 21:39:37
Just in case you haven't noticed, in spite of your having taken multiple psychotropic drugs to treat you bipolar disorder, you are still very much alive.
Your overgeneralizations and exaggerations are not only wrong, but they are uncivil and fall outside the rules of this website.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
- Scott
Posted by Tomatheus on February 28, 2016, at 23:03:49
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here, posted by Fiftylager1 on February 27, 2016, at 14:02:46
Fiftylager1,
I don't have a whole lot of clear-cut advice for you, but I just wanted to say that I can relate to the frustrations that you've expressed about having had bad reactions to medications, while at the same time knowing that you have a definite need for some sort of treatment. I've never had any good, long-term results myself with psychiatric medications or talk therapies, and like you, many of my responses to medications have been quite bad, so at times I tend to be a bit cynical about the mainstream mental health system. However, I think that you're right that psychiatric medications and other mainstream mental health treatments definitely have their place in the treatment of mental health conditions and that such treatments can sometimes even be life saving. As DSM-IV Task Force Chairman Allen Frances, M.D., said in a recent Huffington Post blog (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/allen-frances/psychiatry-and-antipsychi_b_9243944.html), a majority of patients receiving psychiatric treatments improve at rates equal to, or above, those who receive treatments for non-psychiatric medical conditions. Despite this, a significant minority of those receiving psychiatric treatments don't improve, and a small minority get worse, Frances went on to say.
It can be easy for patients like you and me to become so angry with psychiatry and the overall the mental health system that we deem psychiatric medications to be dangerous to all who take them, but despite your frustration with the medications, I don't see you doing this. You seem to have a good understanding of both the good things that psychiatric medications can do and the bad things that the medications can do. For whatever reasons, some of us tend to experience the drawbacks of psychiatric medications more than we experience the benefits of such medications, and it's very unfortunate for those of us whose experiences are as I've described. It can be difficult for those of us whose experiences with psychiatric medications and the mental health system in general have not been so positive to continue to try various treatment options in hopes that we'll find something that's beneficial. In my experience, the unsuccessful attempts that I've made to try to resolve my long-standing chronic fatigue and the schizophrenia-spectrum symptoms that I experience have not improved my optimism, but I still try to hold on to a small amount of hope that I'll experience at least enough symptom relief in the long run to help me achieve more of my goals.
I ended up writing more than I thought I would, but I just wanted to conclude by saying that I hope that you'll experience at least some level of success with your treatment at some point, and I hope that this will happen as quickly as possible. I also hope that you'll stick around these forums, even if you don't feel like at least some of the responses that you've received have been as supportive as you were hoping that they would have been. There are some good people on these forums who've not only provided me with some helpful information but have also written some very compassionate and understanding replies when I've been frustrated, and I consider myself fortunate to have found this place. I've also been hurt by some of the things that a certain member here has said to or about me, but ultimately, I've decided that I won't let a few bruises to my ego prevent me from participating here. At any rate, I don't want to tell you what to do as far as your participation here is concerned, but I will say that I would like it if you did continue to post.
Tomatheus
Posted by Fiftylager1 on February 28, 2016, at 23:45:00
In reply to Re: Hey everyone.. Newby here » Fiftylager1, posted by Tomatheus on February 28, 2016, at 23:03:49
I think this forum is great and supportive.. But that Pinder guy kinda ticked me off. Sorry if I dropped the f bomb but no one should tell people with mental Illness that the medications cause you to be suicidal, psychotic, etcetc.. It feeds fears. He's a fear mongering and I guess I have enough irritability in me right now to let him set me off.
I have fears of medication because at age 15 I first attempted suicide. I was prescribed Prozac and unbeknownst to me became very hypomanic and ultra rapid cycled. I tried to kill myself twice more before I signed myself into a psyche hospital to avoid being committed. I stayed 3 days and signed myself out. To this day I wonder what would have happened if I stayed.
I was taken off Prozac, saw a counselor twice who suggested bipolar. My parents dismissed it and I never saw that counselor or the psychiatrist again.
I went through years of swinging back and forth and looking back it was so easy to see I was bipolar. All the markers were there. As the years went by my anxiety sky rocketed and I was prescribed Ativan and finally celexa. Celexa had me in a severe dysphagia state within 24 hours. I was ready to crawl out of my skin and 2 children under 3 to care for. A few years later, I swallowed my fear and tried wellbutrin. I felt violent and almost the my 5 year old off my lap because she was bouncing. Very early spring tends to be a very big mood shift for me and I get hypomanic. But I now have dysphoric hypomania since taking anti depressants. I finally wrote my Dr a letter begging for help because I wanted to die so bad but I had 2 young children. I couldnt sleep, barely ate, was beyond irritated and felt like I had bugs on my skin. I was extremely paranoid too. She had seen me many times for anxiety and after my letter she recognized the symptoms and sent me to a psychiatrist. I finally was properly diagnosed.
I've tried lots of meds to since then and fear every single one. I don't care if I'm now on a mood stabilizer, I will never take another anti depressant again. Gaining weight, losing my hair and becoming a zombie aren't acceptable to me either. So I'm pretty limited. When my kids don't need me so much maybe I can try some of the meds that I've feared but I have to function for them.. Not feel drugged. Now they just think I'm lazy and unsocial but I've tried to explain certain aspects of my illness. They are teenagers though and I'm almost grateful they don't understand because that means they aren't likely experiencing bipolar symptoms.
I want to be better but feel I'm running out of options. My pdoc is conservative and I feel like I disappointed him each time I go in. He likes to stick with the meds such as lamotrigine, ability, Latuda, lithium and Depakote... As well. As the dreaded anti depressants. I just don't know where to go from here. I am very depressed and can't sleep at night but am so tired and fight off a nap during the day or give in. I rarely make nice dinners anymore and want to hide in my room. I'm not working and am too scared too and suffer extreme pain from a knee injury to top it off. I'm at the point of ending yet another relationship because I just am not dealing well. Sorry so long... But I hope this explains me a little better.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
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