Shown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
The vent. Had a weird thing happen two weeks ago. For two days I felt totally normal. not med normal just normal. it's like the sky opened up. since then i'm back to being a wreck.
I've never come close to full remission on meds. i functioned, i could work, could. but i always knew that something died inside. Go out-have fun? not really. got to keep that sleep cycle and take my meds on time. f*cking waste.you are the same but you really aren't.
i've come to hate meds. absolutely despise every single one. should have rolled the dice 30 years ago. i wouldn't have missed much. of course, it's the disease not the meds. what's the difference?Every time i hear a new med brought up I just sigh. f*ck it, i'll try but they never really get the job done. i gave up on life 20 years ago. I shut down. My life is just one more pill.
My mother had it right years ago. psychiatrists will pill you to death. maybe you feel a bit better but now, new and worse side effects. Hospital, psych ward, 911. Doctors never say, i'm sorry that happened because then they would have to claim responsibility.
I pray for death--something i said in "2000" here. i'm not going to be the one that does it but nothing changes, just one more pill. I encourage others to take their meds when i'm cursing mine. hopefully the next generation will have better treatments. I say, good luck with that. they have said the same for 50 years.
I called my pharmacy earlier, doctor is out of town. I've gone there almost 20 years and they cut my prices way down when disability hit. she said, i don't care what you need. come in, i'll take care of it. "You've been so sweet to us." of course i have, they are about the only friends i have left. doctors therapists group psych ward--repeat. my first psychiatrist said, we should have this taken care of in 6 months. a bit off, missed by 29.5 years.
tomorrow tomorrow....When i finally drop dead, I'll be popping just one more miracle that just never seems to work out. I feel great--diabetes..i feel great--sex?--i feel great 911 i feel great--a bit on the heavy side. genius' telling others how to fix it. No? try this.
I'm not looking for suggestions, worry warts, you poor thing, you've been so strong. it is the biggest exercise in futility but it's the only game in town. tonight, 4 more. tomorrow, same old sh*t. when i had my very ill cat put down the vet said, humans need this option. i didn't say anything.
every human suffers in one way or another, i'm not special. but these diseases, hey, good luck. it's like a dysfunctional relationship from hell. i hate you--come back.
doesn't everyone want to say this once in a while? Today was my turn.
My doctor dropped lithium a few months ago. My hynagogic hallucinations and "musical hallucinations" stopped. I just realized that last night. no wonder we're just sheep, grazing in the grass. who really knows?
the weird thing? i'm grateful to be alive because at least i can write. it's the little things. whether i think everything is a miracle or nothing is, I'm right.
the vent.
Posted by 10derheart on June 27, 2014, at 17:46:06
In reply to 2 days grace, posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
At risk of sounding some kinda nuts myself - we all are in some fashion or another as you know oh so well - I have to say, Phil, I just love you and the way you write. If I was in any position to do it, I'd pay you handsomely for your writing. I am serious. It's never too late but I know it's difficult to do what this world requires to market ourselves...I can't pull it off (go find an internship...get your resume together....call people you don't know...sure, sure, sure, that'll happen) and my possible professional future may be spiraling down a drain because of it...damn damn anxiety....damn weird brain...
So weirdly ironic such a gift like you have ends up maybe overlooked? buried? missed by many? missed by YOU? damn damn disease
I know you aren't looking for praise or compliments but I'm going to damn well give them to you anyway :-)
Please write here more when you can. I just freakin' love it.
Posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2014, at 18:47:00
In reply to Re: 2 days grace » Phil, posted by 10derheart on June 27, 2014, at 17:46:06
Hi Phil have missed your writing also. So the hallucinations did disappear both of them and now they returned with the lowering of lithium? Phillipa
Posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 22:12:50
In reply to Re: 2 days grace » Phil, posted by 10derheart on June 27, 2014, at 17:46:06
thanks t, see tribute on social.
Posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 22:15:20
In reply to Re: 2 days grace, posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2014, at 18:47:00
No, he dropped Li maybe 6 weeks ago. Last night i realized I don't hear the band, radio announcer etc and the hallucinations went away. how weird is that?
Posted by Phillipa on June 27, 2014, at 22:56:57
In reply to Re: 2 days grace » Phillipa, posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 22:15:20
Must have taken a while for the levels to drop? But it's wonderful for you!!!! Phillipa
Posted by stan_the_man70 on June 27, 2014, at 23:02:18
In reply to 2 days grace, posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
You did not want suggestions - but you wanted to feel normal without meds.Have you tried yoga ? Iyengar yoga ?
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/alter/20131226/msgs/1059755.html
Posted by Phil on June 28, 2014, at 12:14:09
In reply to Re: 2 days grace » Phil, posted by stan_the_man70 on June 27, 2014, at 23:02:18
this was a once in 30 year bitch. exaggerated to some degree. I've done yoga but it was years ago. i have tapes and a mat but i need to actually do it. i recommend it to anyone.
i'm not a fan of most of the other stuff as it relates to bipolar and have no intention of putting my life in danger by hopping off of meds.
i tried once or twice years ago. exercised like crazy. every day i walked or jogged and everyday i got worse.
i appreciate the input.
Posted by Chris O on July 2, 2014, at 12:11:13
In reply to 2 days grace, posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
Hey, Phil:
Your "vent" is very profound and moving. The only thing I can offer is my empathy. I have been an anxious wreck my whole life (since my earliest memory) and nothing has helped me much either. I totally relate to your "grateful to be alive" statement because even though I feel like crap much of the time, and am infinitely frustrated by my anxiety disorder in forming meaningful human relationships (thanks, mom!),I still appreciate the process of being alive. I just wish these hellish symptoms would go away.
I still hope that something works for you in the future. I think it will. I am holding out hope. What else do we have?
Chris
Posted by Beckett on July 2, 2014, at 23:06:42
In reply to 2 days grace, posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
> I always knew that something died inside.
I have kept that secret from everyone and still try untying the riddle. There's a film, Melancholia, http://melancholiathemovie.com/ Basically, a woman has depression, and it's the end of the world. But it is beautiful and more complex than that.
Anyways, I always like when you return here and find your writing interesting.
(Hope the link works.)
This is the end of the thread.
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