Posted by Phil on June 27, 2014, at 17:32:59
The vent. Had a weird thing happen two weeks ago. For two days I felt totally normal. not med normal just normal. it's like the sky opened up. since then i'm back to being a wreck.
I've never come close to full remission on meds. i functioned, i could work, could. but i always knew that something died inside. Go out-have fun? not really. got to keep that sleep cycle and take my meds on time. f*cking waste.you are the same but you really aren't.
i've come to hate meds. absolutely despise every single one. should have rolled the dice 30 years ago. i wouldn't have missed much. of course, it's the disease not the meds. what's the difference?Every time i hear a new med brought up I just sigh. f*ck it, i'll try but they never really get the job done. i gave up on life 20 years ago. I shut down. My life is just one more pill.
My mother had it right years ago. psychiatrists will pill you to death. maybe you feel a bit better but now, new and worse side effects. Hospital, psych ward, 911. Doctors never say, i'm sorry that happened because then they would have to claim responsibility.
I pray for death--something i said in "2000" here. i'm not going to be the one that does it but nothing changes, just one more pill. I encourage others to take their meds when i'm cursing mine. hopefully the next generation will have better treatments. I say, good luck with that. they have said the same for 50 years.
I called my pharmacy earlier, doctor is out of town. I've gone there almost 20 years and they cut my prices way down when disability hit. she said, i don't care what you need. come in, i'll take care of it. "You've been so sweet to us." of course i have, they are about the only friends i have left. doctors therapists group psych ward--repeat. my first psychiatrist said, we should have this taken care of in 6 months. a bit off, missed by 29.5 years.
tomorrow tomorrow....When i finally drop dead, I'll be popping just one more miracle that just never seems to work out. I feel great--diabetes..i feel great--sex?--i feel great 911 i feel great--a bit on the heavy side. genius' telling others how to fix it. No? try this.
I'm not looking for suggestions, worry warts, you poor thing, you've been so strong. it is the biggest exercise in futility but it's the only game in town. tonight, 4 more. tomorrow, same old sh*t. when i had my very ill cat put down the vet said, humans need this option. i didn't say anything.
every human suffers in one way or another, i'm not special. but these diseases, hey, good luck. it's like a dysfunctional relationship from hell. i hate you--come back.
doesn't everyone want to say this once in a while? Today was my turn.
My doctor dropped lithium a few months ago. My hynagogic hallucinations and "musical hallucinations" stopped. I just realized that last night. no wonder we're just sheep, grazing in the grass. who really knows?
the weird thing? i'm grateful to be alive because at least i can write. it's the little things. whether i think everything is a miracle or nothing is, I'm right.
the vent.
poster:Phil
thread:1067497
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20140609/msgs/1067497.html