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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 29. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
How to live. I planned or assumed I would smoke myself to death. Quitting now may postpone that or it may not. My whole family has died from smoking related cancer. Despite my little e cig discovery things aren't so good....
Medications help MI, sometimes, but after 30 years of fighting, I know that I don't have much fight left.
I have two options in my immediate future, as an emotional wreck try to find a job or hope that SSDI is approved. Living with either option is incredibly depressing to me. I will either A. live or B. not live. If I was a gambler, I'd put those odds at 50-50.
It's not easy, is it?
Meds are partially effective but I've always struggled no matter what I was on. Therapy over the last several years has not moved me forward one inch. I guess this is the so called tipping point. Roll the dice.
Maybe tomorrow will be better...and maybe there's a Santa Claus.
But I still have my cat and my brother. Without them... The psych ward nurse called them my tethers. How long does a tether last? How long is a piece of string? Mental illness in full bloom. Stand still and suffer. I've gotten through this a hundred times but it's never been this bleak.
I share too much here. Maybe I should just say I don't feel good. But right now Babble is a lifeline because my cat doesn't speak English and I'd die waiting for my phone to ring and hear someone say, How are you? I think they know. Maybe they've heard enough. I can't blame them.
Posted by ron1953 on July 5, 2012, at 12:30:13
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
I feel for you, Phil. I suppose in many ways, my existence is similar. Can't get work, lethargy often trumps all ambition, however modest. Often irritable, worried about death, ad nauseum. Since I gave up on therapy and meds, maybe it's a little different for me in that regard. The so-called experts have nothing to offer me but false hope, side-effects and outrageous bills. I think acceptance of my lot in life and acceptance that discomfort will almost always be my companion has enabled me to get by day to day. I think that the acceptance takes some of the load off, and sometimes has the seemingly-paradoxical effect of allowing me to sometimes be energized. For me the search for the happiness holy grail is a sure-fire route to major depressive episodes. So, I've exchanged it for a more steady-state level of being miserable, but it's somewhat more manageable.
Posted by Phillipa on July 5, 2012, at 12:39:08
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
Phil I just got done reading my Vitamin shoppe newsletter. And I was looking up supplements for mood and Nordic Naturals professional brand comes up. I was recommended it by the biodentical compounding RX owner of store. He takes it. I have it. It's recommended for bipolar. Have you ever taken it? Me it seemed to aggitate? But I am about to take another now? I do know you are having a hard time. More than a hard time. My neighbor got a pdoc to say she was bipolar but also had knees that wouldn't let her stand to work. She doesn't it's an outright lie but shes getting SSDI. It literally makes me ill. She's getting $2400/mth SSDI & $1200 from Teaching. I watch her leap jump play with dog she younger than you. Do you have any physical problems to add to list. She did have one appeal but had an attorney. Stay on here. I am fighting also. And as you know I can be reached. Please teach your cat English or get a pup they do talk. Poodles understand 200 words. Adopt one? I care Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on July 5, 2012, at 12:43:54
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post » Phil, posted by Phillipa on July 5, 2012, at 12:39:08
Posted by Bryn B on July 5, 2012, at 13:33:23
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
hi phil,
I'm truly sorry you feel so awful. I get it (and I'm sure most people here do, too). I've been searching for answers (from docs, w meds, therapy, etc) for years and I'm still suffering too. It's tiring. Do hang in there. I like Philippa's idea: animals are so therapeutic, and I'm sure your cat wouldn't mind a friend. My pup helps me beyond words.
Remember that you're not alone. Have some faith and hang in.
-b
Posted by ron1953 on July 5, 2012, at 13:43:04
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Bryn B on July 5, 2012, at 13:33:23
I give a big +1 on having a dog, but only if one is sure they can handle the basic responsibilities, as they're more work than cats. But having a dog gets me out of the house most days, her needing daily exercise, as I do. She's good company, someone to talk to, throw a ball in the yard, and sometimes to simply watch her just being a dog.
Posted by johnLA on July 5, 2012, at 13:45:22
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by ron1953 on July 5, 2012, at 12:30:13
you guys are breaking my heart and scaring me.
i have nothing to really offer. i've been seriously depressed for over 2 years now, so i understand the hopelessness. this is my first episode.
i wish to god there were some stories of people getting better, or at least more positive posts here at babble.
i'm even more down today because the other board i'm on dealing w/the ketamine infusions has been heart-breaking too. all the people doing it are relapsing back to depression. it's like 'flowers for algernon' or 'awakenings.'
i keep hearing people can and do recover from depression. my doc tells me not to visit babble because it is 'toxic.' but, i am addicted and it it one of the few places that i feel people understand.
the way i feel today, i don't think i'm gonna make it. sorry for the drama.
but, if this is how the rest of my life is gonna be what's the point?
tired, sick and scared in LA.
john
Posted by Bryn B on July 5, 2012, at 14:32:48
In reply to @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by johnLA on July 5, 2012, at 13:45:22
I'm all for positivity.
The world as we know it is but a cosmic blink of the eye--time flies! I've suffered much, but I've also been lucky enough to see that it's not forever. It's temporary. There are just as many good moments and recoveries, something to keep in mind when you're especially down. It gets better. Knowing that and continuing to push through is good, positive reinforcement.
Maybe Byron summed it up best:
"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet & unagitated life would have suited me--yet I sometimes long for it."
Posted by bleauberry on July 5, 2012, at 16:19:04
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
Find a bible and read just one chapter, the book of John.
Lobellia is an herb that sort of mimics nicotine and is helpful for quitting. E cigs work pretty good for many people.
Trying to find a job, depending on where you are, is tough in many places. Whatever economic policy this country has been on for the last 4 years took a bad situation and made it much more bad. The easier jobs to find are part time. I believe having a job, any job, is a healthy thing for anyone dealing with mental health issues. It helps to keep us in the game and moving forward not getting stuck.
It is in lives like yours where I think it makes perfect sense to recruit the powers of the many fascinating plants put on this earth for us. I don't know your symptoms or history, but I do know that whatever you are dealing with there are botanicals that will improve the current condition beyond what any meds alone can do.
Posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 16:50:54
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too » johnLA, posted by Bryn B on July 5, 2012, at 14:32:48
Thanks everyone. I remembered after posting this that my pharmacy was out of Seroquel and I went two nights not taking it. That may not have helped this morning but that mood state is very familiar no matter what.
Toxic babble--Toxic medicine. Yo doc, I choose my poison, you choose my other poison.
I think I'm in for a few tough months, then it drops off from there. It's absolutely impossible to think a positive thought right now.
Posted by ron1953 on July 5, 2012, at 18:31:13
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 16:50:54
Phil, maybe you can do what I do. A few years ago, I made a deal with myself: When I'm seriously bummed out and feel like I can't/won't survive this, I make myself stick to one single fact, which is that, so far, I've survived each and every time I've felt like this. It doesn't make me feel better, but it does seem to help me not do anything stupider. And that's a lot, sometimes.
Posted by emmanuel98 on July 5, 2012, at 19:57:29
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by ron1953 on July 5, 2012, at 18:31:13
I have a good news story. I survived terrible depression and suicidality that went on for almost 4 years. I attempted suicide twice despite having a daughter and husband who love me. I started parnate, felt better, got depressed again, started lamictal, felt better. But the main thing, I think, is DBT therapy. It's not just ordinary talk therapy or CBT. It's based in Buddhism, but that's not over-bearing. But it's all about sitting through emotions, learning techniques to distract oneself through mindfulness, learning to have compassion for oneself. I've found it incredibly useful. Though it is hard to find a well-trained DBT therapist outside of large cities. It was developed precisely to help people who were suicidal frequently.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on July 5, 2012, at 20:40:33
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 16:50:54
((((Phil))))
Glad you're here,
sleepy
Posted by Hugh on July 5, 2012, at 20:58:18
In reply to @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by johnLA on July 5, 2012, at 13:45:22
> i'm even more down today because the other board i'm on dealing w/the ketamine infusions has been heart-breaking too. all the people doing it are relapsing back to depression. it's like 'flowers for algernon' or 'awakenings.'
Have any people on the other board who've relapsed received multiple infusions?
Posted by Phil on July 6, 2012, at 9:24:07
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
Thanks again everyone. I'll consider all of your suggestions. And bleauberry I agree on work.
Short story. I'm not a professional. I've worked a lot of retail management and sales jobs. I've been fired in my life and I've quit in my life.
A friend got me a job at the State of Texas...totally foreign concept but the benefits were the best and you got every holiday in the book off, etc.
Every retail job I've had I worked my @ss off, sometimes up to 80 hours a week. There was always something that needed to be done.
In the department I worked for at the State, there were many days that I and others, including my boss, were online all day. I would get excited when a rare busy period hit.
The reason I say this is because I knew I was going backwards and vegetating. When I lost my brother and shortly after lost my job, something clicked. I knew that after getting knocked down by life and getting right back up so many times that this was different. I'm not 28, I'm about to turn 59. I've gained weight from meds. I have zero confidence and a lot of pride but I'm not me. Not the one I used to know.
I was hired at the State as a team leader. Not long after had a breakdown at work and then had my first mania and was out for two months. After a suicide attempt I went to the psych ward for 4 days. In our small group, everybody knew my business.
I haven't worked in 1.5 years but I count it as 11.5 years and this, for me, is the worst thing that could happen.
I don't want disability because it will make things even harder to find a job. But part of me died over the past ten years. If I can't fix these problems within a year, maybe less, I'll be on the street, and I'd rather be dead than live that reality.
DBT is interesting but Cobra runs out 9/30. If I'm approved for SSD, I'll be living on nothing and have no insurance.
I will also print out Ron's advice because I've made comebacks in the past and I'll do it again.
Plus Ron's my age which means he's super smart, handsome and knows great music.
Posted by johnLA on July 7, 2012, at 1:51:43
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too » johnLA, posted by Hugh on July 5, 2012, at 20:58:18
hi hugh-
not one has received multiple infusions. there is still hope.
one of the posters will be going in for a series of infusions over the next couple of weeks.
i'll report his progress.
john
Posted by gadchik on July 7, 2012, at 17:23:02
In reply to Now for a heavily depressing post, posted by Phil on July 5, 2012, at 11:41:23
Ive been offline since last friday,when we lost electricity and then came the heat wave.Ive been in hell.When I checked babble,your post really affected me. I think youve been so open with how you feel,and it brought back the feelings I had when in the midst of my breakdown.I hope you can find a way to go forward.Can you start your day with a walk? This will get you active,and outside.The first thing I started doing once the acute phase of depression passed, was to walk,not far at first.I promised myself that Id do it everyday,and I have continued that.It is the foundation of my good mental health now.Doing something physical gives you self esteem,confidence.Ive started doing push ups everyday too,and when they became easy,I felt successful.Maybe thats a small thing,but it works for me.
Posted by Phillipa on July 7, 2012, at 21:19:54
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post » Phil, posted by gadchik on July 7, 2012, at 17:23:02
Oh wow no power how awful this must have been. I'm so sorry. P
Posted by Phil on July 8, 2012, at 11:47:55
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post » Phil, posted by gadchik on July 7, 2012, at 17:23:02
Actually I used to jog and walk all the time and you're right, it helps. But I have, get this, a tibio fibular ligament strain on my left calf. Two rounds of physical therapy haven't helped so I may try another procedure. I used to jog 4-11 miles a day. If I walk one block now I'm doubled over in pain.
I need to get back on my exercise bike and hand weights but it's not the same. I'll get there.
Posted by gadchik on July 8, 2012, at 12:34:50
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post » gadchik, posted by Phil on July 8, 2012, at 11:47:55
I had an issue with my heel,had a spur,and plantar fasciitis,also arthritis in my big toe.Every step I took hurt.I hated it.Had to rest for awhile and got pretty depressed.It healed up,and I lost weight,which helped even more.I still have soreness,not bad.But yes,if you have pain when you try to be active,it sucks.I hope you can get this fixed.Thats what I dread about getting older,there's pain involved.Its difficult to keep your chin up,I just tell myself,there is no other way,I will keep going.
Posted by Avenarius on July 8, 2012, at 18:10:04
In reply to @ ron and phil @ everyone else too, posted by johnLA on July 5, 2012, at 13:45:22
John,
a doctor running a clinical trail for ketamine infusions told me that some people go more than a month before remission while others last about a week.I'm not sure how long it will take for some decent new drugs to arrive but it feels like the rate of progress has accelerated quite a bit in the past ten years.
What other sites do you use to follow ketamine trials, if you don't mind me asking?
Kevin
Posted by Phillipa on July 8, 2012, at 21:19:59
In reply to Re: Now for a heavily depressing post » Phil, posted by gadchik on July 8, 2012, at 12:34:50
I identify harder to excercise all the time was a runner then fun to bike now it hurts so bad. I do it anyway. But now don't feel better feel worse. And aging doesn't help. P
Posted by johnLA on July 12, 2012, at 22:23:43
In reply to Re: @ ron and phil @ everyone else too » johnLA, posted by Avenarius on July 8, 2012, at 18:10:04
kevin-
i already sent you this link, but wanted to let other babblers who are interested about ketamine for depression in on it as well.
here is a link to some posts on another site from people (like me) trying ketamine both intra-nasally and by infusion for depression and their experiences so far;
http://www.prescriptiondrug-info.com/Discuss/Ketamine-for-Depression-231123_s2.htm?ts=1337965037
again, i am going down to uc san diego on 25 july for an infusion. if it works i then plan on doing a maintenance program at ucla. it seems that ucla may be reducing their pricing on the procedure in the near future. i'll cross that bridge when i have to. right now i am praying that the initial infusion works for at least a week or more.
john
Posted by SLS on July 13, 2012, at 5:50:09
In reply to @ avenarius + others abt ketamine, posted by johnLA on July 12, 2012, at 22:23:43
Hi John.
That's very generous of you to share your experiences with others who are starving for more information regarding ketamine. I hope all goes well with you. I guess a couple of prayers wouldn't hurt.
As an aside, I am curious to know which website you find easier to navigate:
1. Psycho-Babble
2. PrescriptionDrug-InfoGood luck.
- Scott
Posted by Avenarius on July 13, 2012, at 12:42:09
In reply to @ avenarius + others abt ketamine, posted by johnLA on July 12, 2012, at 22:23:43
John,
thanks again and good luck in San Diego!Kevin
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