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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 4 of 4. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Captain Falcon on April 20, 2010, at 15:27:56
I am in a terrible situation at the moment and am at a loss for what to do. I know I shouldn't take the advice on here to heart, but I want to know what you all would do.
I am 23 and have had hypodopaminergenic depression all my life. I am going to assume that because I have had the symptoms ever since I can remember and that the only medication that works is bupropion (Wellbutrin). Could be norep failure too I know, but that's not the point right now.
My parents have always told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to focus, that all these symptoms are my fault. They made me internalize this stress all my life. In the last year of high school I figured out that I am different and diagnosed myself. I took Lexapro and it helped very little, but I didn't know what to expect, so I was content.
After I got into college it stopped working (or maybe it never worked?), I lost insurance from my father being unemployed for a year and a half. I went behind their backs and secretly went to a psychiatrist where I tried Adderal (good for a few days until I went psychotic), Cymbalta (helped a lot of symptoms but I had so little anxiety I woke up for an exam and convinced myself I could skip it and take it later, haha). I landed on bupropion next, worked wonders except I was not told about the possible anger issues. I had massive ones. I had been losing friends a little over time, but after the anger started, I lost nearly all of them including my job, my girlfriend. My family didn't speak to me, my brother whom I was closest to, never would talk to me about my issues.
I quit the medication, started to fail out for the 3rd?? time, with only like 3 classes. I said I'd rather graduate than have friends (I never had good ones anyhow), and went back to the medication. I was angry for a month and then it wore off. This saved my *ss like nothing in my life. Fast forward...
I have been unemployed for 5 months, living in my parent's house. I resent them more than anything. Real hatred, and no don't try to convince me I don't hate them. I will never see them again after I move out. They lied about the history of depression in my family and alzheimer's/parkinsons on my mother side (also dopaminergenic diseases). They made me internalize all of these symptoms to think I was inadequate for my entire life and never once praised me for my achievements, and I have many. I was 3rd in my class in highschool, went to an ivy-league coming from a rural area. I started a fraternity, I have done some very cool research and have obtained some great opportunities. They have never recognized them and always told me I was wasting my time. Ok, now that my parents are somewhat described...
I am living with them here now for the 5th month, it's unbearable. This house is consistently cold and unheated to save energy (we aren't poor). Heat the house when it's 40 outside please? So my naturally cold nature from the depression is worse now. I have only my best friend in my home-town. I lost all the others. I have some buddies in my fraternity that I left up at my college, but I am unsure how close I am to them (this was the time period I was in really bad shape, although they did see my better side and seem to highly respect me). But I suffer too much trauma from my school and what the administration did to me to visit or want to go back.
They (parents) think I am lazy, they don't speak to me, if we do, we fight and get nothing resolved. There are never apologies or resolution. I consider them downright abusive. Ok, THE POINT to this post was to ask what do I do?
Dilemma
I hate living here, I don't have much money, and no insurance. I cannot tell if my wellbutrin isn't working or if I am suffering "real IE psychological" depression from living here in this horrible environment. I have two weeks of pills left and since I take a large dose (the max), it's very expensive to buy without insurance. 70-80 a month after shipping from Canada. I've tried patient assistance programs, they don't do anything.
I have some job opportunities lined up that may work out, so I could potentially move out in the next month. You'd think a Chemist with pre-med background from an ivy-league with years of research experience could obtain a job. No, I cannot. I have resorted to networking heavily and this has brought many great opportunities recently.
If I don't order pills I will run out when I really need them during a career fair trip and possible interviews.
Do I order bupropion? Do I order something different? Am I suffering psychological depression or are the meds failing?My theory is that I AM suffering, I have a bad environment, no social net, and do not get out of the house barely once a week (no transportation, or reason to go out, and it's been cold for 4 of the months).
I went upstairs today and lied down on my bed and kept telling myself I wanted this all to end (as in be employed and out of my house, not dead).
Posted by evenintherain on April 20, 2010, at 17:15:54
In reply to No insurance - change of environment -meds failed?, posted by Captain Falcon on April 20, 2010, at 15:27:56
Hi CP,
I don't know if i can really help except to say that I (and many others on here) can definitely relate to your situation and wish you well.
My parents think I'm lazy too--I even think I'm lazy, but I do know I have a much harder time getting things done than the average person due to depression/chemical imbalance causing problems with motivation.
It is a very good thing that you graduated from college, you should be very proud of that. I dropped out 10 years ago and not having a degree makes life a lot harder. You will definitely find a way out of your current situation and having that degree will help tremendously.Wellbutrin also made me angry/irritable. If you only have two weeks left and say you are on a high dose i would be leery of stopping cold turkey. You could suffer from withdrawal symptoms. I stopped Wellbutrin cold turkey and became extremely suicidal (don't know if withdrawal exacerbated this or it was just because I wasn't being treated).
It is possible that the Wellbutrin is making your environment seem more unbearable than it would be otherwise (because of the anger) though, so transiting onto something else might be helpful.I find it interesting that you say your sensitivity to cold is linked to depression. I have always had this problem and it does seem to get worse as I get more depressed and have been wondering about that lately. I think it keeps me in bed too much, I can't get out from under the covers unless it is to go into direct sunlight.
I know you have no insurance/limited funds but is there ANY way you can see a psychiatrist to try and help you answer these questions? If you do your research (this board has a huge amount of helpful information) and bring it to right doctor you might come out of it with a new prescription without having to pay for a bunch of visits.
Sorry if this post is scattered/not that helpful. Having trouble focusing.
Posted by Captain Falcon on April 20, 2010, at 17:46:53
In reply to Re: No insurance - change of environment -meds failed?, posted by evenintherain on April 20, 2010, at 17:15:54
I could e-mail my previous psychiatrist, I was thinking I could ask her about some of the more technical neurotransmitter speak on here about dopamine pathways. The post about pot of gold and dopamine (whatever the name was) was very interesting. Perhaps ideas in there are valid. Although I am hesitant to try new things without a full consult, as if you abuse the dopamine system accidently, it will lead to permanent effects, and I have it bad enough now.
I was failing out of school so hard that I scheduled the minimum courses (4) and dropped two before the end of the semester. I received a C and D in the last two courses. Granted, these were very tough courses. After I was treated though, I took 8-9? (I overloaded) courses all of senior level and got a 3.0 gpa that semester, and A's in every class after that.
I haven't experienced any anger from the medication since that year and a half ago, or whenever I started it, but I have been fluctuating doseages from 450 to 400 to 300, sometimes 200. I have an assorted set of pills from other people that no longer use the prescription [yeah I know it sounds shady =( ]
I generally am a very sciencey person, but desperation breeds new ideas. I am pulling out all the stops (once again) to try and combat this illness. I started up some light tanning, biking daily (if I can continue that), and working out. It's hard to eat well here at my parent's house, they don't eat too well I think, not horrible, but even as a college student I made sure to eat healthy, balanced meals, very little processed food. Not super hippie organic, just avoided processed anything.
I suppose I will have to take the hit and get some wellbutrin. It's not a big deal, I just cannot do this for an extended period of time. I am making sure everything I do is perfect for my career fair and upcoming opportunities, I am hoping one works out.
Hope, a very interesting emotion/idea
PS
I know a bit how even with experience can affect obtaining a job without a finished degree. Perhaps you could finish it with evening classes? Maybe it would give you some closure on unpleasant memories?
Posted by Phillipa on April 20, 2010, at 18:39:44
In reply to Re: No insurance - change of environment -meds failed?, posted by Captain Falcon on April 20, 2010, at 17:46:53
I'd get ahold of your previous psychiatrist. Self diagnosis sometimes isn't the way to go. Just my opinion of course Phillipa
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