Posted by Captain Falcon on April 20, 2010, at 15:27:56
I am in a terrible situation at the moment and am at a loss for what to do. I know I shouldn't take the advice on here to heart, but I want to know what you all would do.
I am 23 and have had hypodopaminergenic depression all my life. I am going to assume that because I have had the symptoms ever since I can remember and that the only medication that works is bupropion (Wellbutrin). Could be norep failure too I know, but that's not the point right now.
My parents have always told me that I wasn't trying hard enough to focus, that all these symptoms are my fault. They made me internalize this stress all my life. In the last year of high school I figured out that I am different and diagnosed myself. I took Lexapro and it helped very little, but I didn't know what to expect, so I was content.
After I got into college it stopped working (or maybe it never worked?), I lost insurance from my father being unemployed for a year and a half. I went behind their backs and secretly went to a psychiatrist where I tried Adderal (good for a few days until I went psychotic), Cymbalta (helped a lot of symptoms but I had so little anxiety I woke up for an exam and convinced myself I could skip it and take it later, haha). I landed on bupropion next, worked wonders except I was not told about the possible anger issues. I had massive ones. I had been losing friends a little over time, but after the anger started, I lost nearly all of them including my job, my girlfriend. My family didn't speak to me, my brother whom I was closest to, never would talk to me about my issues.
I quit the medication, started to fail out for the 3rd?? time, with only like 3 classes. I said I'd rather graduate than have friends (I never had good ones anyhow), and went back to the medication. I was angry for a month and then it wore off. This saved my *ss like nothing in my life. Fast forward...
I have been unemployed for 5 months, living in my parent's house. I resent them more than anything. Real hatred, and no don't try to convince me I don't hate them. I will never see them again after I move out. They lied about the history of depression in my family and alzheimer's/parkinsons on my mother side (also dopaminergenic diseases). They made me internalize all of these symptoms to think I was inadequate for my entire life and never once praised me for my achievements, and I have many. I was 3rd in my class in highschool, went to an ivy-league coming from a rural area. I started a fraternity, I have done some very cool research and have obtained some great opportunities. They have never recognized them and always told me I was wasting my time. Ok, now that my parents are somewhat described...
I am living with them here now for the 5th month, it's unbearable. This house is consistently cold and unheated to save energy (we aren't poor). Heat the house when it's 40 outside please? So my naturally cold nature from the depression is worse now. I have only my best friend in my home-town. I lost all the others. I have some buddies in my fraternity that I left up at my college, but I am unsure how close I am to them (this was the time period I was in really bad shape, although they did see my better side and seem to highly respect me). But I suffer too much trauma from my school and what the administration did to me to visit or want to go back.
They (parents) think I am lazy, they don't speak to me, if we do, we fight and get nothing resolved. There are never apologies or resolution. I consider them downright abusive. Ok, THE POINT to this post was to ask what do I do?
Dilemma
I hate living here, I don't have much money, and no insurance. I cannot tell if my wellbutrin isn't working or if I am suffering "real IE psychological" depression from living here in this horrible environment. I have two weeks of pills left and since I take a large dose (the max), it's very expensive to buy without insurance. 70-80 a month after shipping from Canada. I've tried patient assistance programs, they don't do anything.
I have some job opportunities lined up that may work out, so I could potentially move out in the next month. You'd think a Chemist with pre-med background from an ivy-league with years of research experience could obtain a job. No, I cannot. I have resorted to networking heavily and this has brought many great opportunities recently.
If I don't order pills I will run out when I really need them during a career fair trip and possible interviews.
Do I order bupropion? Do I order something different? Am I suffering psychological depression or are the meds failing?My theory is that I AM suffering, I have a bad environment, no social net, and do not get out of the house barely once a week (no transportation, or reason to go out, and it's been cold for 4 of the months).
I went upstairs today and lied down on my bed and kept telling myself I wanted this all to end (as in be employed and out of my house, not dead).
poster:Captain Falcon
thread:944227
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100416/msgs/944227.html