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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
had a breakdown last night. cried all through dinner. minor fight with mom, yelled at dad. age 29 and im back at home feeling like a lost 14 year old. what happened to my adulthood? shocked out of me perhaps (22 times). aplenzin 522mg was improving things slightly, had more motivation and drive. today, after yesterday, it feels like it's doing nothing. cannot believe what this disorder has become for me. i wonder if the years of med trials have done more harm than good? and yet I try again. tuesday next appointment. i can survive until then, but i still have this feeling like i have a terminal disease, and my death will be in december, when I hear back from business schools, rejecting me. that thought has turned into a certainty in my mind. i even know what i'd write on the note: "please dont think I did this just because I didn't get into some stupid schools. i did this because i have suffered for far too long and do not wish to endure any longer.
i am studying harder than i have in years for the GMAT. it is at least distracting and brings me into the world of numbers, of right and wrong, of reasoning. and it takes me away from the numbing, throbbing mental pain of regrets and reality. every morning i wake up and am flabbergasted -- this is my life? how? why?
where there is a will, there is a way. put your faith in God, for He loves you and knows your sufferings. take it one day at a time. approach life with a sense of gratitude for the gifts you do have.
check mark on all of those. and yet i am still here, I am still me, i am still tormented by a torrent of tormenting thoughts, regrets, guilt, fear. this must be what giving up feels like, right? i must not be trying hard enough, am just too lazy, should be with people not my parents, etc. ok fine. but it doesn't leave me, ever, it is always there in the background-- no, foreground-- obscuring my view of the world and thwarting my grasps at help and hope.
i hate it, with the bottom of my heart, but it is no longer a separate entity, for it has become an integral part of me. like a parasite. or maybe Satan has caught me and i am suffering for it. i hate it but don't know anything different. i hate it but if its a part of me, then i'm just hating myself.
the bible verse yesterday, from paul's letter to the corinthians, his famous discourse on love: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." how i long to feel love, to feel loved by someone, my parents, family members, etc. to give love to someone, to have the capacity to do so. religion teacher in highschool always said "love is not a feeling. it's an act of the will".
i am so lonely. oh how i've put on a front in my life to garner friends and two short relationships. i can hide it so well, and did for so long, but it never stopped throbbing, never left me alone.
the loneliness and disconnection has been profound, despite the opportunities for engagement and vitality. the sheer number of hours spent by myself, my own best friend, but of course i hate him. imagine that, spending all your time with someone you just hate. day and night. he's always there, he's always there.
now when i see people on the street, the homeless, the poor, the beggars, the lonely, the lost, i am just overwhelmed with the amount of suffering in this world. then i think, if everyone i picked out, labeled as suffering...if they all felt as bad as I did, then statistically speaking there would be a ton more suicides than there are. so maybe they may be poor, destitute, homeless, etc. but maybe not depressed.
and once the looking-back stops, then the looking-forward begins, and the anxiety and the fear is just never ending. will i ever work again? will I ever be loved? am I lovable, do I let myself be lovable? i feel like a failure before i've begun, at age 29, with two degrees from fancy university that i am unable to put to any constructive use. the squandered opportunities of the past portend squandered opportunities in the future...it just never stops.
i just had to write this down. thanks for reading it.
i can't believe, don't want to accept, am profoundly saddened, that this is my life.
-uncouth
Posted by hyperfocus on September 4, 2009, at 20:09:42
In reply to doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak, posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
Unto thee, O LORD, do I lift up my soul.
O my God, I trust in thee:
let me not be ashamed,
let not mine enemies triumph over me.
Yea, let none that wait on thee be ashamed:
let them be ashamed which transgress without cause.
Show me thy ways, O LORD;
teach me thy paths.
Lead me in thy truth, and teach me:
for thou art the God of my salvation;
on thee do I wait all the day.
Remember, O LORD, thy tender mercies and thy loving-kindnesses;
for they have been ever of old.
Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions:
according to thy mercy remember thou me
for thy goodness' sake, O LORD.
Good and upright is the LORD:
therefore will he teach sinners in the way.
The meek will he guide in judgment:
and the meek will he teach his way.
All the paths of the LORD are mercy and truth
unto such as keep his covenant and his testimonies.
For thy name's sake, O LORD,
pardon mine iniquity; for it is great.
What man is he that feareth the LORD?
Him shall he teach in the way that he shall choose.
His soul shall dwell at ease;
and his seed shall inherit the earth.
The secret of the LORD is with them that fear him;
and he will show them his covenant.
Mine eyes are ever toward the LORD;
for he shall pluck my feet out of the net.
Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me;
for I am desolate and afflicted.
The troubles of my heart are enlarged:
O bring thou me out of my distresses.
Look upon mine affliction and my pain;
and forgive all my sins.
Consider mine enemies; for they are many;
and they hate me with cruel hatred.
O keep my soul, and deliver me:
let me not be ashamed; for I put my trust in thee.
Let integrity and uprightness preserve me;
for I wait on thee.
Redeem Israel, O God,
out of all his troubles.
Posted by Nadezda on September 5, 2009, at 0:03:44
In reply to doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak, posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
All I can say, at the moment, uncouth, is that I've been there, and there is a way back.
There are second and third acts, even when things seem hopeless. Life looks black now, but there's a future that you don't see, one much much better than you can imagine.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on September 5, 2009, at 0:15:56
In reply to Re: doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak » uncouth, posted by Nadezda on September 5, 2009, at 0:03:44
Uncouth you can do it and we're all with you. By the way you write beautifully. What are your degrees in? Love And hope Phillipa
Posted by SLS on September 6, 2009, at 7:46:06
In reply to Re: doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak » uncouth, posted by Nadezda on September 5, 2009, at 0:03:44
> All I can say, at the moment, uncouth, is that I've been there, and there is a way back.
>
> There are second and third acts, even when things seem hopeless. Life looks black now, but there's a future that you don't see, one much much better than you can imagine.
>
> NadezdaI think the last sentence by Nadezda is the most important one. In your present state of depression, you truly cannot imagine a different reality. Perhaps there lies hope for you in the unimaginable and the uncertain. It is very likely that your future will be better than your present, simply because you have the will to work towards actualizing your potential. Don't give up the fight. You will surmount your present obstacles and challenges in your time - in God's time - and not according to the schedules of others. Your path is unique. Try to enjoy the process of personal growth along the way.
The measure of achievement lies not in how high the mountain, but in how hard the climb.
The measure of success lies only in how high one feels he must climb to get there.Keep working, but try to be patient. It is doubtful that you will reach Nirvana by the time you get done reading this. Be merciful with yourself. Have an appreciation for your challenges and don't beat yourself up for not meeting with immediate success the long-term goals stipulated by yourself or others.
Take a nice deep breath. That was the first breath of your new life.
I've been through a lot of crap, too. Fortunately, I had some very positive and constructive people around me to learn from.
- Scott
Posted by Sigismund on September 7, 2009, at 19:16:30
In reply to doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak, posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
Your med trials have been adventurous and extensive and the results of them are impossible to predict
I expect you know this, but in case you don't.....No worst, there is none. Pitched past pitch of grief,
More pangs will, schooled at forepangs, wilder wring.
Comforter, where, where is your comforting?
Mary, mother of us, where is your relief?My cries heave, herds-long; huddle in a main, a chief-
woe, world-sorrow; on an age-old anvil wince and sing--
Then lull, then leave off. Fury had shrieked "No ling-
ering! Let me be fell: force I must be brief."O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne'er hung there. Nor does long our small
Durance deal with that steep or deep. Here! creep,
Wretch, under a comfort serves in a whirlwind: all
Life death does end and each day dies with sleep.
Posted by Ron Hill on September 10, 2009, at 3:48:01
In reply to doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak, posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
> had a breakdown last night.
Are you doing better today?
Remember; you can do all things through Him. But, depression wants to blind us from the Truth via its horrific pain of despair.
Couth, I don't know you personally, yet I care deeply for you and your future success.
Remind me; what is your dx and what meds are you currently taking?
-- Ron
dx: Bipolar II with ultra rapid cycling and mild OCPD
600 mg/day Trileptal
200 mg/day Lamictal
500 mg/day Keppra
90 mg/day Nardil
Posted by uncouth on September 10, 2009, at 11:33:03
In reply to Re: doing bad again...not sure how much more i can tak » uncouth, posted by Ron Hill on September 10, 2009, at 3:48:01
i am bp2 or bp3, have some cycling tendencies, but mostly deal with deep and chronic depression. i just got put on zyprexa which i thought was working well, although today i woke up feeling bad again.
i am currently on:
wellbutrin 450mg
geodon 120mg (zyprexa to eventualy replace)
zyprexa 5mg
luvox 100mg (tapering off)
lithium 400mg
namenda 5mg (tapering off)thanks for your note and support.
Posted by MSandCrazee on September 10, 2009, at 17:02:12
In reply to Re: doing bad again...not sure how much more i can, posted by uncouth on September 10, 2009, at 11:33:03
I was so relieved to see there was another post from you! It is so horrible to feel so bad. Don't worry I'm not going to try to pep you up with "it will get better" talk (it will) or provide uplifting prose (I was always more of a Plath fan myself), but please know that you matter to me.
Posted by Ron Hill on September 11, 2009, at 14:32:53
In reply to Re: doing bad again...not sure how much more i can, posted by uncouth on September 10, 2009, at 11:33:03
> i am bp2 or bp3, have some cycling tendencies, but mostly deal with deep and chronic depression. i just got put on zyprexa which i thought was working well, although today i woke up feeling bad again.
>
> i am currently on:
> wellbutrin 450mg
> geodon 120mg (zyprexa to eventualy replace)
> zyprexa 5mg
> luvox 100mg (tapering off)
> lithium 400mg
> namenda 5mg (tapering off)
>
> thanks for your note and support.Couth,
Which of the following symptoms are applicable to your depression? Please respond yes or no to each symptom.
Low energy (anergy)
Sleep more (hypersomnia)
Eat more sweets and other carbs (hyperphagia)
Low motivation (amotivation)
Heavy, leaden feeling in the shoulders, arms or legs (leaden paralysis)
Severe lethargy
A long-standing pattern of over sensitivity to rejection and criticism; not limited to times of depression
Lack of enjoyment in the things that used to make you happy (anhedonia)
Irritability (dysphoric)
Feel better, even temporarily, when something good happens (Mood reactivity)
Panic disorder
Agoraphobia
Social phobia
Couth, if you are comfortable, please answer the following personal questions:What was your age at the onset of your first mood disorder episode?
What has been the duration of your mood disorder?
What is your current age?
Have you ever had a psychotic episode (i.e.; hearing voices)?
Okay, one more question for this time:Have you ever taken any of the antiepileptic medications (AEDs)?
-- Ron
dx: Bipolar II with ultra rapid cycling and mild OCPD
600 mg/day Trileptal
200 mg/day Lamictal
500 mg/day Keppra
90 mg/day Nardil
This is the end of the thread.
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