Posted by uncouth on September 4, 2009, at 18:23:30
had a breakdown last night. cried all through dinner. minor fight with mom, yelled at dad. age 29 and im back at home feeling like a lost 14 year old. what happened to my adulthood? shocked out of me perhaps (22 times). aplenzin 522mg was improving things slightly, had more motivation and drive. today, after yesterday, it feels like it's doing nothing. cannot believe what this disorder has become for me. i wonder if the years of med trials have done more harm than good? and yet I try again. tuesday next appointment. i can survive until then, but i still have this feeling like i have a terminal disease, and my death will be in december, when I hear back from business schools, rejecting me. that thought has turned into a certainty in my mind. i even know what i'd write on the note: "please dont think I did this just because I didn't get into some stupid schools. i did this because i have suffered for far too long and do not wish to endure any longer.
i am studying harder than i have in years for the GMAT. it is at least distracting and brings me into the world of numbers, of right and wrong, of reasoning. and it takes me away from the numbing, throbbing mental pain of regrets and reality. every morning i wake up and am flabbergasted -- this is my life? how? why?
where there is a will, there is a way. put your faith in God, for He loves you and knows your sufferings. take it one day at a time. approach life with a sense of gratitude for the gifts you do have.
check mark on all of those. and yet i am still here, I am still me, i am still tormented by a torrent of tormenting thoughts, regrets, guilt, fear. this must be what giving up feels like, right? i must not be trying hard enough, am just too lazy, should be with people not my parents, etc. ok fine. but it doesn't leave me, ever, it is always there in the background-- no, foreground-- obscuring my view of the world and thwarting my grasps at help and hope.
i hate it, with the bottom of my heart, but it is no longer a separate entity, for it has become an integral part of me. like a parasite. or maybe Satan has caught me and i am suffering for it. i hate it but don't know anything different. i hate it but if its a part of me, then i'm just hating myself.
the bible verse yesterday, from paul's letter to the corinthians, his famous discourse on love: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." how i long to feel love, to feel loved by someone, my parents, family members, etc. to give love to someone, to have the capacity to do so. religion teacher in highschool always said "love is not a feeling. it's an act of the will".
i am so lonely. oh how i've put on a front in my life to garner friends and two short relationships. i can hide it so well, and did for so long, but it never stopped throbbing, never left me alone.
the loneliness and disconnection has been profound, despite the opportunities for engagement and vitality. the sheer number of hours spent by myself, my own best friend, but of course i hate him. imagine that, spending all your time with someone you just hate. day and night. he's always there, he's always there.
now when i see people on the street, the homeless, the poor, the beggars, the lonely, the lost, i am just overwhelmed with the amount of suffering in this world. then i think, if everyone i picked out, labeled as suffering...if they all felt as bad as I did, then statistically speaking there would be a ton more suicides than there are. so maybe they may be poor, destitute, homeless, etc. but maybe not depressed.
and once the looking-back stops, then the looking-forward begins, and the anxiety and the fear is just never ending. will i ever work again? will I ever be loved? am I lovable, do I let myself be lovable? i feel like a failure before i've begun, at age 29, with two degrees from fancy university that i am unable to put to any constructive use. the squandered opportunities of the past portend squandered opportunities in the future...it just never stops.
i just had to write this down. thanks for reading it.
i can't believe, don't want to accept, am profoundly saddened, that this is my life.
-uncouth
poster:uncouth
thread:915744
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090902/msgs/915744.html