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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
Firstly I'd just like to say I'll be really grateful to anyone who takes the time and trouble to read this post
I'm sorry if it sounds whiney and self indulgent-At least a chance for some schadenfreude I suppose
I'd just like to ask how people cope with the feeling that they've messed up their lives through shear stupidity?
This is what I feel I’ve done
Most people on this board experience problems through no fault of their own, they’ve just been unlucky, my situation is different.
So here goes
I had had a problem with social anxiety for a number of years before I went to university (that’s collage in the US).
I just ignored it & hoped it would go away, my parents noticed I had a problem, but didn’t do anything about it.When I was at Uni I discovered GHB-This is the UK & I was young and stupid & didn’t know much about it.
I thought I’d found the “Answer” to my social anxiety problems.In due course I discovered I’d become dependent on GHB/GBL (which is much more toxic).
I did discontinue, but became very depressed.
Managed to OD on GHB & ended up in A&EI wasn’t offered any help in A&E, my parents just dragged me to the local GP, who didn’t know what GHB was, but had boundless self confidence (a common problem in UK GPs!)
She wouldn’t let me have any choice in Medication, & instead put me on Generic Prozac.
This just made me anxious & then tired.
I was now in my final year at university, I became so depressed that I just slept 12hrs a day & didn’t do any work.I couldn’t accept that my inability to work was down to depression & not liking my subject, rather than ADD.
This is when things got really stupid
In desperation I went to see a Private Pdoc, as my experience with NHS Pdocs had been so bad.
This Pdoc was an ADHD specialist, I suspected I might have ADD, since I do have Dyslexia & I had terrible problems with motivation & fatigue although this was almost certainly down to depression.I told the Pdoc that I thought I had ADD, but was also Anxious. He told me my Anxiety was a result of having ADD, which seemed plausible at the time, although looking back I can’t see how I could have thought this!
He put me on a dose of Dexedrine that was far to high & undoubtedly worsened my anxiety, it also interfered with my sleep
Unfortunately I refused to accept he was wrong since he actually listened to me, unlike most UK docs, and I liked him as a person.
Friends & housemates told that they didn’t think I had ADD but I wouldn’t listen or accept that they were right. I thought I had found the “answer” to my problems and that I was going to be OK!
The ADHD Pdoc I was seeing was then struck off, right in the middle of my finals.
I worked like crazy fueled by Dex, I’d take some on one day and none the next, I had to work out the dosing schedule for myself.
I became addicted to GHB again, and went of cold turkey (Ouch)I saw an NHS Pdoc who flatly denied that I had ADD & implied that I was addicted to my medication, I was so upset by his manner that I left in tears. Although ironically he was probably right about me not having ADD.
To cut a long story short I managed to graduate, but I feel like I haven’t been “Right” since my finals.
I Now suffer from GAD, Panic Attacks & depression as well as bad Social Anxiety.
I wish I had the sense to drop out & give my body a rest when I had the chance, I also should have tried CBT before resorting to medication.
I’m currently on high dose of Nardil, but it doesn’t do much for Depression or Anxiety or the dreaded SA.
I can’t help wishing I hadn’t been so stupid, I feel so hopeless and angry with myself.
Has anyone else done anything so stupid, and how have they coped?Sorry to clog up the board with this cr*p
Its also not fair on my parents who have to put up
with me being miserable all the time :(
Posted by Meri-Tuuli on March 28, 2007, at 16:20:48
In reply to Coping with Guilt!, posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
Tom! I'm sending you some warm fuzzy thoughts and lots of support.
You're not filing the board up with crap! It was a good post.
I don't think you've messed up your life at all. You're doing the best you can do!!
I agree with the statement about GPs. And funnily enough, my GP immediately prescribed prozac when I had my first depressive episode. A course of CBT would have been far more appropriate. Mental health care is so bad in the UK NHS. I went crazier on prozac - I too was in my final year at uni, although luckily they let me have a semester off. Yeah and I believe that suidicality thing about it - I was never suicidal before, but with the prozac I found myself on the edges of cliffs and things.....it was scary.
Anyway, please don't be so critical of yourself - I think you're a wonderful person, and you haven't messed things up at all. You're still young - put it into perspective - we're going to be living until we're 70+ which is another 50 years plus for you and me. Thats an awful long time to sort yourself out and things like that. I think everyone to some degree thinks they've messed up their life - and those prefect people, well they might have something tragic happen to them too, like a divorce, death, cancer or something like that or they might burn out at 40. Who knows.
You haven't messed anything up at all Tom. You were coping and trying to survive a very difficult and nasty disease (i.e. mental illness).
Kind regards
Meri
Posted by Ines on March 28, 2007, at 16:53:44
In reply to Coping with Guilt!, posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
Hi Tom,
Try not to think like that- everyone makes bad choices at some points in their lives, it's inevitable, and if you beat yourself up about choices that you made long ago, you'll only make yourself feel worse. You should focus on how to move on from where you are now. I've suffered from depression & anxiety most of my adult life, and I've made a few choices along the way that I really regret. Sometimes it really haunts me because, like you, I feel that my life is a mess and sometimes I think it's all my fault, but actually, I did the best I could to make myself happy at the time and who can blame me for that? One of my best friends has social anxiety and I know how crippling it can be- he is doing better now thanks to meds and CBT, but he got heavily into drugs and drink in the past, and even ended up in trouble with the police over it. And the thing is, he is one of the nicest people I know, always there for everyone.
Take care,
Ines
Posted by linkadge on March 28, 2007, at 17:54:28
In reply to Coping with Guilt!, posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
Hey I know the feeling. I have taken one too many meds and I deal with the fear and bellief that I have fried my brain on a daily basis.
I am am in my second last year at school in Canada, and it sucks, I mean really sucks! The system has absolutely no regard for the mental health of human beings. It is a forced swim test with no compassion.
It is essentially institutionalized child abuse, and can leave even the smartest believing they are seriously mentally ill.
Give your brain time to recover. Dammage can be done, but the brain has capacity to heal itself.
Sometimes use of stimulants can make the user feel sub par for a long time after discontinuation. I too was prescribed a stimulant, ritalin, a few years back, and it made me feel good. When you feel good like that you believe whatever story was associated with its prescription.
Not to say I know what disorders you do and do not have.
All that being said, I'd give yourself some time.
Make changes as slowly as possable, and listen to what your body and mind are telling you.Perhaps visit the alternative board for ways to support brain health overall. That has helped me somewhat, in dealing with the prospect that I have damamged my brain.
Linkadge
Posted by polarbear206 on March 28, 2007, at 19:58:32
In reply to Coping with Guilt!, posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
> Firstly I'd just like to say I'll be really grateful to anyone who takes the time and trouble to read this post
>
> I'm sorry if it sounds whiney and self indulgent-At least a chance for some schadenfreude I suppose
>
> I'd just like to ask how people cope with the feeling that they've messed up their lives through shear stupidity?
>
> This is what I feel I’ve done
>
> Most people on this board experience problems through no fault of their own, they’ve just been unlucky, my situation is different.
>
> So here goes
>
> I had had a problem with social anxiety for a number of years before I went to university (that’s collage in the US).
> I just ignored it & hoped it would go away, my parents noticed I had a problem, but didn’t do anything about it.
>
> When I was at Uni I discovered GHB-This is the UK & I was young and stupid & didn’t know much about it.
> I thought I’d found the “Answer” to my social anxiety problems.
>
> In due course I discovered I’d become dependent on GHB/GBL (which is much more toxic).
> I did discontinue, but became very depressed.
> Managed to OD on GHB & ended up in A&E
>
> I wasn’t offered any help in A&E, my parents just dragged me to the local GP, who didn’t know what GHB was, but had boundless self confidence (a common problem in UK GPs!)
>
> She wouldn’t let me have any choice in Medication, & instead put me on Generic Prozac.
> This just made me anxious & then tired.
> I was now in my final year at university, I became so depressed that I just slept 12hrs a day & didn’t do any work.
>
> I couldn’t accept that my inability to work was down to depression & not liking my subject, rather than ADD.
>
> This is when things got really stupid
>
> In desperation I went to see a Private Pdoc, as my experience with NHS Pdocs had been so bad.
> This Pdoc was an ADHD specialist, I suspected I might have ADD, since I do have Dyslexia & I had terrible problems with motivation & fatigue although this was almost certainly down to depression.
>
> I told the Pdoc that I thought I had ADD, but was also Anxious. He told me my Anxiety was a result of having ADD, which seemed plausible at the time, although looking back I can’t see how I could have thought this!
>
> He put me on a dose of Dexedrine that was far to high & undoubtedly worsened my anxiety, it also interfered with my sleep
>
> Unfortunately I refused to accept he was wrong since he actually listened to me, unlike most UK docs, and I liked him as a person.
>
> Friends & housemates told that they didn’t think I had ADD but I wouldn’t listen or accept that they were right. I thought I had found the “answer” to my problems and that I was going to be OK!
>
> The ADHD Pdoc I was seeing was then struck off, right in the middle of my finals.
> I worked like crazy fueled by Dex, I’d take some on one day and none the next, I had to work out the dosing schedule for myself.
> I became addicted to GHB again, and went of cold turkey (Ouch)
>
> I saw an NHS Pdoc who flatly denied that I had ADD & implied that I was addicted to my medication, I was so upset by his manner that I left in tears. Although ironically he was probably right about me not having ADD.
>
> To cut a long story short I managed to graduate, but I feel like I haven’t been “Right” since my finals.
>
> I Now suffer from GAD, Panic Attacks & depression as well as bad Social Anxiety.
>
> I wish I had the sense to drop out & give my body a rest when I had the chance, I also should have tried CBT before resorting to medication.
>
> I’m currently on high dose of Nardil, but it doesn’t do much for Depression or Anxiety or the dreaded SA.
>
> I can’t help wishing I hadn’t been so stupid, I feel so hopeless and angry with myself.
> Has anyone else done anything so stupid, and how have they coped?
>
> Sorry to clog up the board with this cr*p
>
> Its also not fair on my parents who have to put up
> with me being miserable all the time :(
>
Tom,If you are on a high dose of Nardil (one of the best drugs out there for your situation) and not having any relief, I suspect that you might have an underlying bipolar depression. You might respond very well to a mood stablizer to augment your Nardil, so it will work for you. Diagnosing bipolar and ADD can be very tricky because alot of the symptoms are alike. I'm curious to know how old you are? Many bipolars are diagnosed in early adult age. There is a broad spectrum with this disorder. Have you ever taken a mood stablizer before?
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2007, at 20:12:47
In reply to Re: Coping with Guilt! » Tom Twilight, posted by polarbear206 on March 28, 2007, at 19:58:32
Tom beating yourself up is a sign of depression and yes I do it daily. And feel worthless, old and unfortunately I don't have the time you do to heal. I care for you Tom. Love Phillipa
This is the end of the thread.
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