Posted by Tom Twilight on March 28, 2007, at 15:39:26
Firstly I'd just like to say I'll be really grateful to anyone who takes the time and trouble to read this post
I'm sorry if it sounds whiney and self indulgent-At least a chance for some schadenfreude I suppose
I'd just like to ask how people cope with the feeling that they've messed up their lives through shear stupidity?
This is what I feel I’ve done
Most people on this board experience problems through no fault of their own, they’ve just been unlucky, my situation is different.
So here goes
I had had a problem with social anxiety for a number of years before I went to university (that’s collage in the US).
I just ignored it & hoped it would go away, my parents noticed I had a problem, but didn’t do anything about it.When I was at Uni I discovered GHB-This is the UK & I was young and stupid & didn’t know much about it.
I thought I’d found the “Answer” to my social anxiety problems.In due course I discovered I’d become dependent on GHB/GBL (which is much more toxic).
I did discontinue, but became very depressed.
Managed to OD on GHB & ended up in A&EI wasn’t offered any help in A&E, my parents just dragged me to the local GP, who didn’t know what GHB was, but had boundless self confidence (a common problem in UK GPs!)
She wouldn’t let me have any choice in Medication, & instead put me on Generic Prozac.
This just made me anxious & then tired.
I was now in my final year at university, I became so depressed that I just slept 12hrs a day & didn’t do any work.I couldn’t accept that my inability to work was down to depression & not liking my subject, rather than ADD.
This is when things got really stupid
In desperation I went to see a Private Pdoc, as my experience with NHS Pdocs had been so bad.
This Pdoc was an ADHD specialist, I suspected I might have ADD, since I do have Dyslexia & I had terrible problems with motivation & fatigue although this was almost certainly down to depression.I told the Pdoc that I thought I had ADD, but was also Anxious. He told me my Anxiety was a result of having ADD, which seemed plausible at the time, although looking back I can’t see how I could have thought this!
He put me on a dose of Dexedrine that was far to high & undoubtedly worsened my anxiety, it also interfered with my sleep
Unfortunately I refused to accept he was wrong since he actually listened to me, unlike most UK docs, and I liked him as a person.
Friends & housemates told that they didn’t think I had ADD but I wouldn’t listen or accept that they were right. I thought I had found the “answer” to my problems and that I was going to be OK!
The ADHD Pdoc I was seeing was then struck off, right in the middle of my finals.
I worked like crazy fueled by Dex, I’d take some on one day and none the next, I had to work out the dosing schedule for myself.
I became addicted to GHB again, and went of cold turkey (Ouch)I saw an NHS Pdoc who flatly denied that I had ADD & implied that I was addicted to my medication, I was so upset by his manner that I left in tears. Although ironically he was probably right about me not having ADD.
To cut a long story short I managed to graduate, but I feel like I haven’t been “Right” since my finals.
I Now suffer from GAD, Panic Attacks & depression as well as bad Social Anxiety.
I wish I had the sense to drop out & give my body a rest when I had the chance, I also should have tried CBT before resorting to medication.
I’m currently on high dose of Nardil, but it doesn’t do much for Depression or Anxiety or the dreaded SA.
I can’t help wishing I hadn’t been so stupid, I feel so hopeless and angry with myself.
Has anyone else done anything so stupid, and how have they coped?Sorry to clog up the board with this cr*p
Its also not fair on my parents who have to put up
with me being miserable all the time :(
poster:Tom Twilight
thread:745015
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20070327/msgs/745015.html