![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 46 to 70 of 82. Go back in thread:
Posted by JaclinHyde on April 9, 2006, at 23:32:50
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 11:56:47
Doug, I am just wondering if you have ever been checked for bipolar disorder? And I know I am going to get crucified for this but don't you think you are being a bit hard on the meds you took? Could it just be that you have to blame something for what you are going through? It takes two to tango you know and maybe you should take a good hard look at yourself and leave the meds out of the picture for a moment. I am NOT unsympathetic. I do know you are going through a lot of pain right now. All I am saying is to shift your thinking and be honest with yourself.
much love,
JH
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 23:42:00
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by JaclinHyde on April 9, 2006, at 23:32:50
JH,
With all due respect, I know you do not mean ill, but I must say that you could not possibly be more wrong in your assessment/questions. I could write out many more pages through objective measures showing exactly the impact the ADs have had on me. My conclusion is that people in general are far to easy on the ADs and should be much more considerate of the negative effects of ADs.
So in short, while I understand you are just asking and I'm sure you mean no harm by asking, but I cannot help but be offended at the thought. I have spent 4 YEARS of pain that through objective measures have been caused by the ADs. It's that simple. I think more people like me should come forward to recognize that ADs are not all fine and good for everyone. People should know!
Doug
Posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on April 10, 2006, at 0:25:28
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 23:42:00
Doug:
Again, my heart goes out to you. I am sorry you were and are in so much pain. This message board is stacked full of people in the same situation, maybe even worse.
You should be proud of yourself from graduating from college despite all of your adversity. It proved what tremendous character and inner strength you possess.
Again, my friend, you must realize there are plenty of people in Fortune 500 companies that have emotional issues. Ted Turner, founder of CNN, is bipolar, as is former CNN president Tom Johnson. Jane Pauley is bipolar. Bill Gates didn't graduate from college. I could go on and on and on.
Everyone knows life is what you make of it. Yes, maybe it will be tougher to get a job out of the starting gate. Then again, because your grades aren't as good as you like, it may make you more aggressive in pursuing a job, therefore open different doors, bigger doors.
I've never even known grades to matter in a job interview except for maybe your first job. Most of the time, it all seems about what you can do. I pray that this obstacle you see even makes you more determined. Michael
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 10, 2006, at 0:30:36
In reply to Re: Mistaken beliefs, posted by UgottaHaveHOPE on April 10, 2006, at 0:25:28
Michael,
Thank you very much for your thoughtful post. I appreciate your encouragement. I feel determined to get out of this, and that starts by getting off the handicapping ADs. My goal is to have some great news of progress by the fall and report back to this board. ADs themselves can sometimes be the problem. It's been TOO LONG. FOUR YEARS is 3.4 years TOO LONG.
Thank you again Michael. I wish you well.
Doug
Posted by Caedmon on April 10, 2006, at 0:41:00
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 23:42:00
> With all due respect, I know you do not mean ill, but I must say that you could not possibly be more wrong in your assessment/questions. I could write out many more pages through objective measures showing exactly the impact the ADs have had on me.>
What objective measures? Surely someone as bright as you understands the importance of isolating variables. I think JH was simply addressing that issue.
- C
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 10, 2006, at 0:48:49
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Caedmon on April 10, 2006, at 0:41:00
For starters, you have isolated several variables in this comparison: in high school, pre-AD I had near perfect grades. After ADs, they fell by a letter grade on average.
Posted by xbunny on April 10, 2006, at 5:38:11
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by » Doug_Saving_The_team, posted by ed_uk on April 9, 2006, at 17:21:17
Hiya Ed,
> I might be on the minimum wage for the rest of my life since I dropped out of university. All my friends from school have degrees now, most from good universities. I might be able to consider going back to university myself if I wasn't so apathetic.
Dont lose hope, I never went to university either and make better than minimum wage.
Best regards, Bunny
Posted by SLS on April 10, 2006, at 9:05:27
In reply to no uni - no job » ed_uk, posted by xbunny on April 10, 2006, at 5:38:11
> I might be on the minimum wage for the rest of my life since I dropped out of university. All my friends from school have degrees now, most from good universities. I might be able to consider going back to university myself if I wasn't so apathetic.
I have no practical answers for you at this time.I would like to say that I doubt someone as intelligent, caring, persistent, and resourceful as you are will remain impoverished for very long. You are held in high regard here, and I hope you see how such high esteem is a reflection of the esteem you should have for yourself.
- Scott
Posted by greywolf on April 10, 2006, at 10:21:26
In reply to Re: no uni - no job, posted by SLS on April 10, 2006, at 9:05:27
Doug,
You have to sit back and think about how you've gotten to where you are right now. I think that, usually, people don't wake up after 4 years and have an epiphany that their failure to reach important objectives is due solely to anti-depressants. In fact, I think it's most often the exact opposite: as we go along striving to reach our goals and it becomes harder and harder to achieve those goals because of, for instance, congitive deficits or lethargy caused by medication, we talk to our doctors to either find something without interfering impacts or to try an augmentation strategy that may put us in the position to reach our objectives.
So, while I understand your upset, I also seen the other poster's point. And honestly, I can't imagine how you could measure all the variables in this situation because there are just too many that are completely subjective. It's wonderful that you did well in high school and got into a good university. And if it's a "top 5 university in the world," I'd imagine that everyone there also did really well in high school. That competition makes college success versus your peers more difficult by orders of magnitude, and that creates an awful lot of pressure that even effective meds may not be able to adequately address.
That's why I recommended that you let the past be the past, and seize the opportunities ahead of you. You will find in the real business world that your degreee doesn't mean much in 90% of it, and in the 10% where it matters, that just gets you in the door.
I regularly do battle with people who really believe that where they went to school somehow gives them an advantage, and those people regularly discover it doesn't matter.
And I'm happy to teach them that lesson every chance I get.
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 10, 2006, at 11:26:36
In reply to Re: no uni - no job, posted by greywolf on April 10, 2006, at 10:21:26
greywolf,
Thank you for taking the time to write that post. I know you did not intend to be offensive, but you completely misinterpreted what actually happened. I did not "wake up" suddenly after 4 years and start blaming ADs. It has been a long process of 4 years using trial and error to see what works.
With regards to teaching people a lesson that went to some top school, I'm glad you enjoy that. I could careless that I went to a top 5 school. My Dad went to a mediocre school and is the very best at his profession. It's all about what you make of it.
I'm glad it has worked for you, but I find the idea of continuing for years to continue to "augment" the medication until some magic bullet formula is reached is a trial in futility. I do not think people realize that. Fortunately for me, I have an objective measure of performance in the form of grades, but a lot of people who like me have negative cognitive side-effects on ADs do NOT understand because, although you do not mean any harms, the ideas from people like you perpetuate the myth that ADs are a cure-all. The reality is they are not for all.
The very fact people are questioning the validity of my assessment is offensive because in their responses they insert assumptions that are way off base or misunderstand what has actually happened. I do not mean to offend anyone, but perhaps those people either (1) have had a great experience on ADs and thus are unable to consider the possibility that others could not be right for ADs or (2) have had a poor experience on ADs, but live in denial that those side-effects do not exist.
Greywolf, I know you mean well, but your injection of your own assumptions (read guesses) about my situation are way off base and frankly offensive to me and the SUFFERING I have had to endure while on ADs. In that post, you should have been more considerate of your choice of words.
Doug
Posted by bipolarspectrum on April 10, 2006, at 12:56:02
In reply to Re: no uni - no job, posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 10, 2006, at 11:26:36
Hello again Doug,
I propose that you take time away from school... a minimum of 6 months, more favourably a year.... go find a great pdoc, not a good one, a great one... and work with him/her for that time... and your goal mabye to return to school and/or enter the working world after this period... i advocate this plan because I followed it... I learned I have bipolar disorder and am finally being treated with proper medication (not ssris)... My goal is to return to school this sept, be it med school or back to undergrad.... the advantages of a break is that it allows you to focus 100% on ourself... and dont think its boring, I'm doing things I never thought I'd be able to do, like salsa dance and read.... you may think its more wasted time, but i see it as an investment in your future!
bps
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 10, 2006, at 13:05:02
In reply to I propose a plan, posted by bipolarspectrum on April 10, 2006, at 12:56:02
bps,
Thank you for your ideas. My concern with taking many months off is that I could sink into a depression naturally from not working and being cooped up in my house. I do intend to break for at least a month, and perhaps two months, to go off these evil ADs and essentially recover. I plan to do a lot of reading and studying subjects I love but for the last four years have been cognitively impaired too much by the ADs to learn -- these includes finance, accounting and statistics. I want OFF these ADs NOW... next month will have to do.
Posted by greywolf on April 10, 2006, at 13:08:26
In reply to Meds HAVE RUINED MY 4 YEARS IN COLLEGE, and CAREER, posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 8, 2006, at 20:50:57
Doug,
Please accept my apologies if, in fact, I offended you. If I misinterpreted your repeated statements that antidepressants are solely responsible for ruining your experience at one of the top five universities in the world, and exposed you to the embarrassment of having to go to a state school instead of not getting a great job as a Wall Street investment banker or equity manager, that's my fault.
And none of my posts in this thread or in any other have EVER extolled ADs as a cure-all. In fact, the vast majority of my posts have asked for help from the good people here in finding yet another option. You see, I've been on almost every AD you can name (plus a few bipolar meds you probably can't), and the only thing left to me according to two psychiatrists and my GP is ECT. Right now, I'm merely maintaining on Depakote while I wait to get in to see a new psychiatrist to discuss the possibility of options other than ECT.
Basically, I've learned to expect very little of meds over many years of battering my body with them. With each new one, I just hope it will keep me getting my job done each day so that my family won't suffer with me. It's been seven years since I missed any significant time from work due to my mental illness, but every day has been a battle from the moment I awake until I finally fall asleep (if I do).
As to my comment about kicking the butts of people who are fixated on where they got their degrees and how highly their schools ranked, it was intended to encourage you to disregard concerns like that because they are not relevant in day-to-day business. Sounds like your dad understands that.
What's important is what you make of yourself, especially when you must overcome adversity not of your own making to do it. If that means going to a state school when your friends do it solely through private college, so what? The point is doing your best wherever you find yourself, and not beating yourself up over things you can't control.
That's the only real message I'm trying to convey, and I hope I didn't hurt your feelings doing it.
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 10, 2006, at 13:12:34
In reply to Re: Meds HAVE RUINED MY 4 YEARS IN COLLEGE, and CAREER, posted by greywolf on April 10, 2006, at 13:08:26
greywolf,
Thank you very much for your particularly thoughtful post. I really appreciate your consideration for my feelings and perspective. I will keep your post close to mind as I fight through this hard time. I did not mean to cause grief for you, and I hope I did not. I hope for the best for you.
Best wishes,
Doug
Posted by JaclinHyde on April 10, 2006, at 13:15:34
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 23:42:00
I really do apologize if you were hurt by what I said. I think most people on this board would agree that I never attack people or speak ill of them. I just thought that maybe you never considered anything but the drugs to be at fault. But it is obvious that you have so please forgive my statement.
Hope you find peoce,
JH
> JH,
>
> With all due respect, I know you do not mean ill, but I must say that you could not possibly be more wrong in your assessment/questions. I could write out many more pages through objective measures showing exactly the impact the ADs have had on me. My conclusion is that people in general are far to easy on the ADs and should be much more considerate of the negative effects of ADs.
>
> So in short, while I understand you are just asking and I'm sure you mean no harm by asking, but I cannot help but be offended at the thought. I have spent 4 YEARS of pain that through objective measures have been caused by the ADs. It's that simple. I think more people like me should come forward to recognize that ADs are not all fine and good for everyone. People should know!
>
> Doug
Posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 10, 2006, at 13:17:47
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by JaclinHyde on April 10, 2006, at 13:15:34
JH,
Thank you for your post. Thank you for your understanding. I apologize for the miscommunication. I did not mean to put you aback. I wish for only the best for you.
Best wishes,
Doug
Posted by Caedmon on April 10, 2006, at 14:06:11
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 10, 2006, at 0:48:49
> For starters, you have isolated several variables in this comparison: in high school, pre-AD I had near perfect grades. After ADs, they fell by a letter grade on average.>
So, post hoc ergo propter hoc?
That isn't an isolation in variables; senior year is typically hardest. You still managed to graduate with good grades. I'm also not sure that "a letter grade on average" is necessarily statistically significant in your case study or if it can be adequately explained by ADs alone, rather than the underlying depression that the meds were designed to treat. (Depression can cause cognitive problems as well.)
I also fail to see how you can quantify your college experience if you have not been off ADs, as a comparison.
You sound tremendously determined to blame your antidepressants for your troubles, even though no one forced you to take them, and you haven't a point of comparison. Is it possible that this is a convenient "out" for you? Or that perhaps your anger is in some ways justified, but in other ways it's exaggerated? I would merely question, politely, the assumptions you are making - and questioning them in the interests of mutual understanding and support.
Lastly, you may wish to revise to a degree your writing punctuation. When a person capitalizes words, it gives the impression that the capitalized word is either very emphatically said, or perhaps yelled. By capitalizing words frequently, it gives me the impression that you are yelling. That might have actually been your intention, or it might not have, I'm merely saying that so that you understand how I'm percieving your writings.
I have not read anyone say that ADs were a "cure-all" neither has anyone implied it. It has been frequently mentioned, on this thread and others, the many potential downsides to antidepressant therapy. If someone is saying such a thing, I sure don't see it. <shrug>
- C
Posted by ed_uk on April 10, 2006, at 14:12:09
In reply to no uni - no job » ed_uk, posted by xbunny on April 10, 2006, at 5:38:11
Thanks Bunny :D I felt better when I read your message. I just want enough money to live on :)
Eddy
Posted by ed_uk on April 10, 2006, at 14:13:52
In reply to Re: no uni - no job, posted by SLS on April 10, 2006, at 9:05:27
Thank you Scott, that was very kind indeed :)
Kind regards
Ed
Posted by JaclinHyde on April 10, 2006, at 15:01:02
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by » Doug_Saving_The_team, posted by Caedmon on April 10, 2006, at 14:06:11
I agree with you C. Doug there is something more going on than just the meds. With a big hug I say look in the mirror buddy and not at the drugs. Drugs are not a cure all but they are not evil either. Lke C said depression itself can cause a lot of the things you are suffering from. You need a really good doctor to work with you, to help you get your feet on the ground and moving forward. What's done is done, whatever that may be so leave it behind and move on. You can do it...you are strong and smart. Just let the anger at the meds be in the past and you'll find yourself a happier and healthier you.
With sincere caring,
JH
> > For starters, you have isolated several variables in this comparison: in high school, pre-AD I had near perfect grades. After ADs, they fell by a letter grade on average.>
>
> So, post hoc ergo propter hoc?
>
> That isn't an isolation in variables; senior year is typically hardest. You still managed to graduate with good grades. I'm also not sure that "a letter grade on average" is necessarily statistically significant in your case study or if it can be adequately explained by ADs alone, rather than the underlying depression that the meds were designed to treat. (Depression can cause cognitive problems as well.)
>
> I also fail to see how you can quantify your college experience if you have not been off ADs, as a comparison.
>
> You sound tremendously determined to blame your antidepressants for your troubles, even though no one forced you to take them, and you haven't a point of comparison. Is it possible that this is a convenient "out" for you? Or that perhaps your anger is in some ways justified, but in other ways it's exaggerated? I would merely question, politely, the assumptions you are making - and questioning them in the interests of mutual understanding and support.
>
> Lastly, you may wish to revise to a degree your writing punctuation. When a person capitalizes words, it gives the impression that the capitalized word is either very emphatically said, or perhaps yelled. By capitalizing words frequently, it gives me the impression that you are yelling. That might have actually been your intention, or it might not have, I'm merely saying that so that you understand how I'm percieving your writings.
>
> I have not read anyone say that ADs were a "cure-all" neither has anyone implied it. It has been frequently mentioned, on this thread and others, the many potential downsides to antidepressant therapy. If someone is saying such a thing, I sure don't see it. <shrug>
>
> - C
Posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 15:06:11
In reply to Meds HAVE RUINED MY 4 YEARS IN COLLEGE, and CAREER, posted by Doug_Saving_The_Team on April 8, 2006, at 20:50:57
Doug,
I went through a period where I blamed AD's for some of my problems. I was a high performer at a prestigious prep school. But I didn't even apply to the high profile universities because I had become so apathetic by that point and my self esteem had plummeted.
A couple years after graduating college, I decided that I was gonna go to law school. I was studying for the LSAT and just couldn't do well on one of the sections on the practice exams. I thought my meds were slowing my mind down. I also thought that my emotions were being blunted. I was feeling like a failure in life, that everything after high school had slowly deteriorated. I quit taking Paxil cold turkey. Needless to say, my concentration did not improve. I plummeted into a severe depression. I didn't even take the LSAT.
In retrospect, it was all just paranoia. For me, blaming the meds was a way of rationalizing something to myself that I did not fully understand. There may have been some truth to some of my conclusions. Paxil may really have blunted my emotions to an extent, but I think I put too much weight into these conclusions. It was a sort of paranoid ideation.
I've found that SSNRI's work better for me, and don't blunt my emotions. I've realized now that my quality of life on meds is a superior choice to not taking meds at all. For me, meds are the lesser of two evils. Both times I took myself off of them, I became suicidally depressed, and that's not very productive, is it?
You said you were on meds for all 4 years of college. You said you tried to quit but you couldn't. Do you think that you would have become depressed if you did succeed in getting off of them? The symptoms of apathy, low motivation, poor concentration, etc. are classic markers of depression. Perhaps the depression was the culprit and not the AD's.
Regret will eat you from the inside out. Believe me, I've dealt with it and am still dealing with it. You should consider going to at least a few sessions of therapy to help you come to terms with this issue. College is supposed to be the best 4 years of your life, and I felt the exact opposite regarding my college experience. I've regretted it immensely, but the regret doesn't change anything.
As a side note, attending a prestigious university does not guarantee you anything in the business world. There are plenty of CEO's who attended state schools. There are also probably CEO's who got mediocre grades while in school. It's not the end of the world. Getting to the mid 2 point range from an exceptional school is not all that bad. Employers are also sympathetic to extenuating circumstances that may have affected your school performance. For example, people who work full time to get themselves through school are often cut some slack.
You are very, very young. The sky is not falling. You can still become immensely successful. You seem to be an idealist like me. I "should" have done this, or I "should" be that. These guilty ruminations are also classic depressive hallmarks.
You are on meds, yet you still feel horrible. This wouldn't be the case if your meds were doing their job. If you do indeed suffer from chronic, clinical depression, I'm surprised your doctor has not tried a different strategy. Some people suffer from "treatment resistent" depression and require innovative treatment approaches. What's the situation with your doctor?
Wishing you the best,
Marc
> hi all,
>
> i have to get something off my chest. let me say first i am terribly depressed and upset by the whole thing. i will try to keep this to the point. here is my sad history:
>
> High school:
> *Freshman-Junior year: top 10 in the class, obviously exceptional academically.
> *Senior year: Problems with Accutane caused severe depression. Doctor put me on Paxil, then Prozac. My grades immediately suffered because I just didn't care anymore, in addition to memory issues.
> *I was accepted to one of the top 5 best univiersities in the world.
>
> College:
> *Tried to go off, but had lots of anxiety and went right back to Prozac. I regret that terribly. DAMN ME!! I remember a moment when I told myself, "This is a big decision. Just hold off and don't take the meds." But I was weak, and I went back to the meds...............
> *Freshman through Senior year: Just as I did on meds my senior year. My grades? 2.5 GPA. God-awful, and entirely attributable to the medication. once i was on the meds, i could not get off of them. but i wish every day that I did.
>
> Now I'm a senior about to graduate next month, and I regret my whole college experience. I'd do most anything to do it over again, this time WITHOUT MEDICATIONS!! Now I'm going home, without employment, when I should be going off to some great job on Wall Street like my friends, working at a hedge fund, private equity shop or investment bank. Instead, I'm going home to get off my medication. But how am I to play catch up? I've just WASTED FOUR YEARS!! What, I'm supposed to go to some state school back home? That's so embarrassing, but I guess i deserve it. I'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM. or so i've thought many times, but sunk ever lower, and lower, and lower... my parents pressure me to do what they expect. they don't understand all my struggles have nothing to do with the difficulty of the course work: it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH THE MEDICATION I'M ON!!
>
> In addition to that, I'm FREAKING out about the permanent side effects of the medication. A study a year ago showed teenagers put on meds grew on average 2 inches less than their peers. so not only am i shorter than i should be, but WHO KNOWS, MAYBE IT CAUSED MY BRAIN TO NOT DEVELOP AS IT NORMALLY SHOULD HAVE. and thus I am left with the brain of a senior in high school, not a college graduate. and thus I am stunted. I may have been top percentile at high school graduation, but now what am I? My peers have advanced and I have been STUNTED!!
>
> i just had to get this off my chest. i see a pdoc, and I talk to my parents about it, but my parents don't understand what I'm going through. They are very loving, but they don't understand, and that frustrates me terribly.
>
> For the record, now I'm on WellbutrinXL 150mg, Lexapro 10mg and Gingo Biloba 40mg, all per day.
>
> HELLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP. I'm not going to "hurt myself" or anything, but I am TERRIBLY DEPRESSED. Just imagine: 4 years of your prime life, WASTED, when you could have learned so many things and be going off to a well-paying job. but I am stunted now. The medication effected my performance academically which in turn effected my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
>
> F*** me...
Posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 15:38:52
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 10, 2006, at 0:48:49
This might sound trite, but correlation does not imply causation.
That's a golden rule of statistics, which you must have taken if you're in business school.
I think you and I are similar in some respects. You are unshakeably locked onto the notion that the AD's are the source of your problems. You've got your mind made up, and nobody's going to change it...You don't seem to be giving any credence whatsoever to the possibility that the depression itself could have contributed to your woes. A few years ago, I could see myself being the exact same way. But now I've tried to become more open and flexible in my thinking and in my perceptions. It helps.
By the same token, I acknowledge that the depression may not be the only cause. Your cognitive functioning and motivation may be disrupted by a combination of both meds and depression. It's not black and white. There are shades of grey in all of this.
Take care,
Marc
> For starters, you have isolated several variables in this comparison: in high school, pre-AD I had near perfect grades. After ADs, they fell by a letter grade on average.
Posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 16:33:33
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by, posted by Doug_Saving_The_team on April 9, 2006, at 16:08:03
Doug,
Sorry for the 3 posts in a row, but I forgot something. Please don't take this as a lecture, it's not. It's just my story, and I thought you might be able to relate. After reading your posts, I feel like I can relate.
I graduated college with honors and thought that everything would come to me...Well, it didn't in the long run. I had to go through many interviews before getting an offer (my interviewing skills were subpar). Finally, I landed a job at IBM. Within a year, I was laid off due to massive downsizing. The economy sucked, and I couldn't find another job, especially because I had very little experience to that point. Because of the job market, people with more experience were taking jobs that I would normally be competing for. My good grades no longer mattered. I was unemployed for many months. It got so bad that I had to cash in what little I had saved in a 401k in order to pay some debts. I ended up selling cars on 100% commission (I am NOT a good salesman) just to stay afloat. I was barely getting by and my debts became bigger. I became very depressed. That made me even worse at selling cars, and one week I made no money (not that the other weeks were that great!)....A big fat 0 for working almost 50 hours. That whole period from the time I got laid off to when I was selling cars (and beyond) kicked the sh*t out of me. My confidence went to zero. I was pretty much broken, but I became very humbled by my experiences and from then on I appreciated having any decent job.
I finally ended up finding a job in my profession, but it sucked compared to my first job at IBM. I was making way less money and I hated the job. I hated everything about it which led to more severe depression which made it even more difficult to perform at work. I then took a different job within the same company doing something completely different. I had to leave that company due to an imminent downsizing (plus that company just generally sucked). So far, I've never able to gain traction at any one company for any significant period of time in any one area of expertise. At present, my situation is still not great. I feel like I'm behind in my career and I regret that and I also feel guilty about it.
I'm six years out of school now. My friends have manager level positions (one of my friends actually has a pseudo VP title in the commercial lending arm of a major bank). I have an analyst position. They own homes. I rent. They are buying toys, and I'm paying off old debt.
I "should" be at a manager level. I "should" own a house. All of my friends have these things. Why don't I? Why do I have to have this bipolar condition that makes it hard for me to advance in the business world?
I've realized that I'm going to kill myself by thinking this way. I'm still very, very young and things can turn on a dime. Really, they can. You really have nothing to worry about. Apply for some positions. Maybe your friends will have better jobs during their first year or two, but you will catch up fast as long as you do a good job. I've been where you are. You are obsessing over this, and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I realize it's hard for you to see it right now. You'll have a degree from a very prestigious school, no matter what your grade point is.
I realized that I can't think this way. It will slowly kill me. You seem like an idealist with all the "shoulds" and high expectations. Dude, it's not too late. Your life is just beginning.
If you really think it will help, taper off the meds. I don't know what your prognosis is, but just be prepared for a return of your symptoms, if indeed your depression is of a biochemical nature.
I just want to make clear for anybody reading this that I consider myself to be lucky at the end of the day. I realize that I could be much worse off than I am. I am just describing the evolution of my expectations vs my reality.
Posted by JaclinHyde on April 10, 2006, at 16:40:43
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom else has been HURT by » Doug_Saving_The_team, posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 15:38:52
Wonderful posts Marc, I couldn't have said it any better.
JH
Posted by detroitpistons on April 10, 2006, at 16:45:48
In reply to Re: ADs have ruined me. whom elseMarc, posted by JaclinHyde on April 10, 2006, at 16:40:43
> Wonderful posts Marc, I couldn't have said it any better.
>
> JHI appreciate that. Thank you.
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