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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 42 to 66 of 66. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on March 1, 2004, at 19:50:40
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 16, posted by Ilene on February 29, 2004, at 19:18:33
Sixth day at 40 mg.
Spent most of the day in bed w/ a CFS flare-up. Not quite as despondent I often am when these happen.
Brooding about my useless, uninteresting life. Nearly anything I read will trigger these thoughts, even a 5 yr. old Archaeology magazine.
Talked w/ my pdoc about getting some codeine for pain. CFS is *painful*. It's not too bad today. She says she thinks I'm getting a little better. I wish I could believe her.
No energy to help my son. Feel guilty.
Posted by Ilene on March 2, 2004, at 21:46:27
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 18, posted by Ilene on March 1, 2004, at 19:50:40
7th day at 40 mg.
This is the halfway point for the 2-week trial. Things are somewhat better today. Slept late, but CFS symptoms went away by about noon.
Got together with a neighbor and took some donations to Value Village, which is like a hypertrophic Goodwill. Then on to Ikea, the Swedish furniture emporium. Not like I need furniture; I'm trying to get *rid* of stuff, but she wanted to go.
Home again, home again, off to vote.
Feeling less despondent than is my wont, but still want to be a different person entirely.
Posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 19, posted by Ilene on March 2, 2004, at 21:46:27
I felt awful today. Saw the pdoc and decided to go up to 50 mg., so this is now my first day at that dose.
I slept in. Woke up with numb hands. My mouth bled when I brushed my teeth. Have a few CFS symptoms: sore throat, post-nasal drip, slight gland tenderness, red and itchy eyes. I'm having a hard time eating--I feel hungry, but at the same time I have no appetite.
Took Klonopin twice today.
Good things: Saw two woodpeckers at my suet feeder. The black cat is happier now that it's warmer and the gray cat is out of the house more. The black cat stays inside, but the gray cat was a stray whom we adopted, and he insists on going out. The bulbs are coming up. Little white ones that I think are snowdrops, and pale purple ones that are probably crocuses. I mailed a pair of shoes, a bracelet, and some Claritin to my daughter. My husband says my daughter is doing things with a group of kids she met at a teen film series, and she's getting around San Francisco *by herself*.
Maybe a good thing: Long chat w/ my husband about how I'm feeling. I hate to bring him down with this stuff. I know it disturbs him when I tell him I want to kill myself. He is the only person I can discuss it with, other than my pdoc, and I usually see her once a week.
I've been typing up a list of my mother's LPs. She died about six years ago. My father brought us all her old records. I'm not sure why, because I didn't inherit the "music gene". I've never listened to them. Her tastes were fairly solidly in the 19th century, plus Mozart. She played piano and sang in a chorus. So far I haven't found any Chopin, which seems strange.
I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her. She argued with *everyone*. I think my sister was the only person who didn't find her irritating, and my sister's been dead for 16 years.
Read an obituary about a 51-year-old woman who died of pancreatic cancer. She was an expert on thanatology, and had been on TV, talking about her own death. Life is so unfair!
Life seems so fragile. I want a normal life so badly, and I don't want the life I've got. Even when I watch the birds they remind me of fragility and pain.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 3, 2004, at 22:06:42
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
Posted by cubbybear on March 3, 2004, at 22:34:46
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
> I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her.
Have you maybe hit upon something essential here--toward an understanding of your depression? You needn't answer me, but it could be something to mention to your doctor, if you haven't already.
cubbybear
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 11:44:36
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by cubbybear on March 3, 2004, at 22:34:46
> > I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her.
>
> Have you maybe hit upon something essential here--toward an understanding of your depression? You needn't answer me, but it could be something to mention to your doctor, if you haven't already.
> cubbybearI mentioned it to her--she called me this morning. We've already discussed my dysfunctional family. (Like who hasn't?) But there's so much mental illness on my mother's side that I believe my problems are genetic. That's the essential thing to understand. Everything else is damage control.
My concerns are in the here and now. I *need to function*. I have a son who needs me. Unfortunately, the temptation to check out is getting stronger.
Here's a link to a post I found that reflects how I feel about constantly searching for insight:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20040225/msgs/318393.htmlI'm not denigrating insight--my mother seemed to lack it almost entirely--but I need for my brain to function first.
I'm glad you're still reading my posts.
I.
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 11:46:05
In reply to (((((Ilene))))) (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 3, 2004, at 22:06:42
Posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 19:43:16
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 20, posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
Second day at 50 mg.
I get to see my pdoc again tomorrow. She gets worried...
This time we are going to discuss hospitalization. I think she's out of her depth, and I'm not responding. I've been seeing her for over two years, and nothing has worked. She likes to titrate up and down *very slowly*, and I was out of state for six months, but still. I was in decline for the seven years before that, too.
I was a zombie all day. Hardly moved from the computer. Did not go to yoga, did not leave the house, did not pass go. Feel a litle achy when I get up and move around. Mostly my upper back. Just don't want to move.
Pdoc called my husband. He has this hare-brained scheme that I'm going to move in with him in California and be hospitalized out there. This just ain't gonna work. The man can be so impractical.
I have a consult w/ a psychopharmacologist in 2 weeks. Maybe he'll have some ideas. Pdoc has mentioned lithium and ECT. Can't say ECT thrills me, but I'm tired of waiting for something positive to happen. Problem is, then what?
I"ve gotten to the point of diminishing returns.
It's nice to know that people are reading my diary. I was thinking of stopping.
I.
Posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 21, posted by Ilene on March 4, 2004, at 19:43:16
Third day at 50 mg.
Saw the pdoc this morning. She wants me to go in-patient. She called my husband; he and my daughter are flying out and should be here in about an hour and a half, I think.
She wants me to take more Risperdal. I seem to be less irritable since I've been taking it, but no less depressed. It makes me tired.
For a while I felt calmer and even managed to do a few things like wash dishes and so on. That passed after a few hours. Took more Klonopin.
The pdoc called me and and suggested I call the insurance co. to see if I'm covered. Yes, I'm covered,. I gave the info to my pdoc; she called back to tell me the case manager doesn't think inpatient treatment is "medically necessary". As in, have we tried psychotherapy? (Years.) I'm supposed to show up at the ER tomorrow morning. It's not like I *want* to enter the loony bin, you know, but once having agreed to it, being turned away as not crazy enough adds insult to injury. Maybe I'll tell them about "the plan". I have no shortage of plans. Maybe some day plastic bags will be illegal.
I feel horrible for doing this to my family. I feel so inadequate. I know I didn't do this on purpose, or even *do* anything.
My pdoc says I need to find ways to be kinder to myself. We had an interesting little talk when I saw her on Wednesday. I said I thought my latest CFS flare-up was triggered when my new internist said ADs don't work in people w/ CFS. Even though I got it clear with him that that's *not* what he meant the feeling of panic and despair took *hours* to pass. I told myself over and over that's not what he meant, but it made no difference. It's the same way when I have a fight with my husband, even after we patch things up--hours and hours of stress that I can't shake. I think it's like the fight-or-flight response. The pdoc says it's physiological. Some people get over things quickly, some don't.
Posted by cubbybear on March 6, 2004, at 2:51:58
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
>> The pdoc called me and and suggested I call the insurance co. to see if I'm covered. Yes, I'm covered,. I gave the info to my pdoc; she called back to tell me the case manager doesn't think inpatient treatment is "medically necessary". As in, have we tried psychotherapy? (Years.) I'm supposed to show up at the ER tomorrow morning. It's not like I *want* to enter the loony bin, you know, but once having agreed to it, being turned away as not crazy enough adds insult to injury. Maybe I'll tell them about "the plan". I have no shortage of plans. Maybe some day plastic bags will be illegal.
>
Ilene,
You have described very well the infuriating and tragic state of the mental health care system in the U.S. The left hand says that an in-patient stay is not medically necessary; the right hand in the emergency room says that you're not crazy enough. Maybe you're the sane and rational one, and it's institutions like this that have lost their marbles.Maybe you can have your pdoc nail them with some hard questions like, "what empirical measuring criteria are you utilizing to determine the minimal degree of insanity, craziness, or suitability for treatment?" What empirical data are you using in the determination of what's "medically necessary?"
Yet, intelligent questions like these would probably elicit more B.S. answers. So, maybe you *should* tell them about your "plans".. They *might* take you seriously and give you a deluxe, four-star private room with cushioned walls. Please forgive my black humor, Ilene; such a scenario would be one possible consequence of your being up-front.
I fully understand your rage and frustration. When I was seriously depressed as well as being jobless and homeless, i wound up being dumped by a so-called friend in a hotel room in Anaheim, California and all I had to do was phone the local suicide prevention hotline. . .and I hadn't even yet conceived of any plan; it was merely ideation. The next thing I knew, two armed deputies from the Anaheim Police knocked on my door, barged into the room and stood within inches of me; when I turned my back to grab a pair of pants to put on, to cover my near-nakedness, they roughed me up to make sure I wasn't going to reach for any lethal weapon. Such is the modern-day American practice of treating the victim like a criminal, or "doing this for your own protection."
The moral of the story: if you decide to tell the hospital bureaucrats about any suicidal ideation, be prepared for a *possible* lockup. I really don't mean to scare you in any way; I'm just angry over the state of the American health care system and your latest experience is an example of how patients are made to suffer more.
If your pdoc is a true friend of yours (and I honestly believe she is), you should ask her for her feelings about divulging suicidal ideation to the hospital, especially if the facility is known to treat suicidal patients unkindly. Whether suicide is a taboo subject or not, there comes a time when all the cards must be put on the table without fear of being further vilified and ostracized.
You deserve nothing but the best care, empathy, and medical expertise. I hope that this helps.
cubbybear
Posted by gardenergirl on March 6, 2004, at 16:47:24
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » Ilene, posted by cubbybear on March 6, 2004, at 2:51:58
>
> You deserve nothing but the best care, empathy, and medical expertise. I hope that this helps.Ilene,
I agree one hundred percent with this. Whatever you end up doing, I hope it is helpful. I'm glad your family is coming, too. I hope they are a supportive resource for you. Please keep us posted, and I'll keep you in my prayers.gg
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 7, 2004, at 0:04:30
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
Sorry I haven't read your diary in a while. I had no idea how things were. I'm steeped in my own funk, so I have nothing constructive to say. I will say however that asphyxiation is PAINFUL in the end stages. Also there is nothing inadequate about you. You are a good loving person and I would feel bad if you weren't here, so indulge my selfishness and stick around.
Whatever happens, I'm in your corner.
Posted by cubbybear on March 7, 2004, at 3:40:32
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » Ilene, posted by gardenergirl on March 6, 2004, at 16:47:24
At times like this, it's too bad that all of us who have been reading Ilene's journal and rooting for her can't somehow get together and be with her. Having a few Psychobabble friends by her side would be novel idea.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 7, 2004, at 12:22:02
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » gardenergirl, posted by cubbybear on March 7, 2004, at 3:40:32
Yeah, that would be great. Cyberspace sure has its limits.
Hope she is doing alright.
gg
Posted by oskarsmom on March 7, 2004, at 12:56:23
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22 » gardenergirl, posted by gardenergirl on March 7, 2004, at 12:22:02
Hi Ilene,
When I've been in the hospital it's been the right thing to do for me. I really hope you get rest, peace and quiet. Let us know how you are when you are back. I'll be praying for you.
Love, Oskarsmom
Posted by snapper on March 7, 2004, at 21:43:52
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
Ilene my thoughts and prayers go out to you!!
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 1:15:07
In reply to Re: Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by snapper on March 7, 2004, at 21:43:52
Ilene,
Hoping things are looking up for you. I am assuming you are unavailable right now, either in the hospital or just taking care of yourself with your family around you. Just wanted to say that I am hoping you will feel well enough to return to us soon. I am taking a break from Babble as I have to focus on school, but I will check in again in a couple of weeks. Hope to see you posting again by then, but if not, please know that you are missed.gg
Posted by cubbybear on March 10, 2004, at 8:43:08
In reply to Awaiting your return and praying for you, Ilene, posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 1:15:07
Hi Ilene,
I'd write a lot more but I'm pressed for time now.. . being back in Calif. for my long-awaited vacation here. The trip from Bangkok was miserable--air turbulence like I'd never seen. Anyway, I made it in one piece and just want to say that I wish you the best.
cubbybear
Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2004, at 20:32:48
In reply to Re: Awaiting your return and praying for you, Ilene, posted by cubbybear on March 10, 2004, at 8:43:08
Posted by Ilene on March 12, 2004, at 16:19:28
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 22, posted by Ilene on March 5, 2004, at 20:32:09
I got out yesterday afternoon. It was extremely restful, if somewhat boring. I spent most of my time talking with some of the other patients. The two best things were "getting away from it all" and talking with other mentally ill people about being mentally ill.
I was afraid the place would be really creepy, but it wasn't. It was nice and clean, the food was okay (plenty of fresh fruit), and the staff were polite. The MDs were the worst. The resident assigned to me is one of the least expressive people I've ever met. I especially hated rounds--you're in a cold room at a table ringed with 8 or 10 strangers, asking questions about whether you've thought about killing yourself lately. Ack.
The formal activities--group therapy, occupational therapy, and art therapy--were fairly useless, with OT being the most superficial, and art therapy being something like psycho-astrology (I have control issues, and unresolved issues with my mother). Group therapy tended to get hijacked by the people who had less of a grip on reality.
I'm taking more Neurontin--1200 mg at night--and I started on 300 mg of lithium. They also ran a better thyroid profile than the internist did, and lo and behold! my thyroid function is borderline low, something I've suspected for a while. I will be seeing an endocrinologist soon. I got stuck for a bloodtest at least every other day. They took vitals every few hours. My blood pressure has been so low that I don't think I can take a higher dose of Marplan.
I feel better than when I went in, but there was certainly no magic fix. I'm having a hard time transitioning back to the real world. I might go into a partial hospitalization program after my husband leaves, or maybe start group therapy.
I.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 12, 2004, at 17:37:46
In reply to Back from the hospital, posted by Ilene on March 12, 2004, at 16:19:28
Ilene,
I'm so glad you are back and okay. I was hoping that you weren't posting because you were getting more support in the hospital. Also, I hope the partial program is worthwhile.I will be off Babble for awhile because I need to put more time in on my dissertation. Please take care and know that I am thinking about you.
gg
Posted by noa on March 12, 2004, at 18:22:24
In reply to Back from the hospital, posted by Ilene on March 12, 2004, at 16:19:28
I'm glad it helped you. I'm glad they identified the thyroid issue.
FWIW, I didn't start really feeling better, and responding to the psych. meds, until my thyroid problem was treated properly.
Good luck!
Posted by socialdeviantjeff on March 13, 2004, at 20:27:47
In reply to Re: Back from the hospital » Ilene, posted by noa on March 12, 2004, at 18:22:24
Posted by oskarsmom on March 14, 2004, at 11:11:13
In reply to Back from the hospital, posted by Ilene on March 12, 2004, at 16:19:28
Hi Ilene,
I'm glad you found the hospital to be a restful place. Getting away from it all is the best part for me, and also meeting other people. I'm sorry that you didn't like the formal activities. The art therapy sounds bizarre! I've had three hospitalizations and I went into a "partial day program" after two of them. I found it helpful. And I know what you mean about transitioning back to the real world. It's really hard. I think that group therapy sounds like a really good idea. It is so helpful to know that you're not alone. My husband, who is also bipolar (long story) and I go to a support group twice a month. We've been going for a few years now. The organization is called DBSA (Depressive and Bipolar Support Alliance). Here's a link:
It has been a life line for us. And I've made some good friends there too.
I'm really sorry about your blood pressure. Maybe the lithium could act as an augmentation to the Marplan. Is that why they put you on it? I'm glad they caught the low thyroid. That could also be part of the problem.
I'm on 50 mgs of Marplan now, will go up to 60 in three days. No more of those "lifts" I was having. Just back to depression all of the time. However I do have more energy, so I'm actually able to do some house work. I'm also having some side effects now. I'm having that "orthostatic hypotension" (low blood pressure when standing up). Kind of unnerving.
I'm glad you're feeling a little better now. I missed you while you were gone, but I think you did the right thing and am glad that the hospital turned out to not to be as bad as you thought it might be.
Love, Oskarsmom
Posted by Ilene on March 17, 2004, at 14:59:35
In reply to Back from the hospital, posted by Ilene on March 12, 2004, at 16:19:28
I'm moving my posts over to Social. I think it's good for me to "diarize" every day, and I love getting feedback, but I seem to have hit a plateau vis-a-vis meds, so Social is a more suitable venue right now.
I.
This is the end of the thread.
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