Posted by Ilene on March 3, 2004, at 21:06:00
In reply to Marplan Diary Day 19, posted by Ilene on March 2, 2004, at 21:46:27
I felt awful today. Saw the pdoc and decided to go up to 50 mg., so this is now my first day at that dose.
I slept in. Woke up with numb hands. My mouth bled when I brushed my teeth. Have a few CFS symptoms: sore throat, post-nasal drip, slight gland tenderness, red and itchy eyes. I'm having a hard time eating--I feel hungry, but at the same time I have no appetite.
Took Klonopin twice today.
Good things: Saw two woodpeckers at my suet feeder. The black cat is happier now that it's warmer and the gray cat is out of the house more. The black cat stays inside, but the gray cat was a stray whom we adopted, and he insists on going out. The bulbs are coming up. Little white ones that I think are snowdrops, and pale purple ones that are probably crocuses. I mailed a pair of shoes, a bracelet, and some Claritin to my daughter. My husband says my daughter is doing things with a group of kids she met at a teen film series, and she's getting around San Francisco *by herself*.
Maybe a good thing: Long chat w/ my husband about how I'm feeling. I hate to bring him down with this stuff. I know it disturbs him when I tell him I want to kill myself. He is the only person I can discuss it with, other than my pdoc, and I usually see her once a week.
I've been typing up a list of my mother's LPs. She died about six years ago. My father brought us all her old records. I'm not sure why, because I didn't inherit the "music gene". I've never listened to them. Her tastes were fairly solidly in the 19th century, plus Mozart. She played piano and sang in a chorus. So far I haven't found any Chopin, which seems strange.
I wonder if this is bringing my mood down. I never missed my mother after she died. Even now, if she were to magically return to life, I think I would have a hard time dealing with her. She argued with *everyone*. I think my sister was the only person who didn't find her irritating, and my sister's been dead for 16 years.
Read an obituary about a 51-year-old woman who died of pancreatic cancer. She was an expert on thanatology, and had been on TV, talking about her own death. Life is so unfair!
Life seems so fragile. I want a normal life so badly, and I don't want the life I've got. Even when I watch the birds they remind me of fragility and pain.
poster:Ilene
thread:315567
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040228/msgs/319929.html