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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 3 of 3. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Krysti on January 2, 2003, at 23:31:40
right now though. I have always considered myself as a strong person and really want to be a strong person for myself and for others. Feel like I am losing it though and really don't know what to do right now. I really want a "cure-all" answer and know I'm not going to get it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 months ago and thought it was the answer to all my problems. Thought I could just take meds and everything would be better. Unfortunately, hasn't happened. I feel like I am worse off than I was before. Before, I always felt like I was fighting against something and at least sometimes winning, now I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Even though the meds make me more stable, I have felt the fight draining out of me now that I know what I am up against. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore. Even when I am on meds that make me feel better, I don't feel content. I feel like I can no longer strive for happiness for myself, because it is just not achievable any longer. I really don't want to kill myself because I know the pain it will bring to others and what good will that do? And I'm afraid for myself also, because I feel like I will burn in hell forever then anyway. I feel like maybe my purpose in life is to try to bring happiness to others, but I don't know how. I also feel that I am being a hypocrite to other people if I volunteer for something to bring them happiness when I cannot even do it for myself. Does this make sense? The only purpose right now that I can see in my life is to try to make other people's lives better. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I am definitely not a good enough person to volunteer in a hospital and changing people's bedpans or anything. I want to do good for other people, but selfishly, something I might enjoy also (I hope this doesn't sound horrible.) If anyone has any suggestions, I would be much appreciable.
Thank you for any suggestions,
Krysti
Posted by mattdds on January 3, 2003, at 0:19:12
In reply to Need some help, not sure if anything will help..., posted by Krysti on January 2, 2003, at 23:31:40
Krysti,
While I don't have bipolar, I can relate to what you're feeling. I am sorry you are having a tough time.
Just from an outsider's point of view, it seems just from your post, that you have set some very high goals. You want to make everyone's life better. That is quite ambitious! You mentioned that you want to help people, but that you felt guilty for wanting to do something that would satisfy you personally. I remember feeling that way in some of my lowest points. Remember, however that there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself, and making sure you are happy with how things are going. If doing what I enjoy makes me "selfish", so be it. Perhaps if you set goals that were a bit less ambitious, and rewarded yourself for each little step you took, you would not feel like "you are fighting a losing battle". I am not saying to drop your goals, just to go a little easier on yourself during your lower phases.
You mentioned that trying to make others happy when you are not is hypocrytical. I assure you that this is the depression talking! To me, the fact that you are not happy makes your desire to make others happy all the more noble and altruistic. It is easy to do things when you feel like doing them, but difficult to do them when you don't. So isn't that more admirable? You are not "bad" for being unhappy, and you obviously are striving diligently for it. Though it is nice to be happy, there is no moral imperative that you "should" feel any certain way.
Your worries sound a lot like mine. Have you tried CBT? It helped me a lot to work through feelings of guilt, dread and hopelessness. It is especially helpful for "existential crises", like the one you described. It will not likely help with the manic symptoms, but certainly helps with the depressive ones.
You mentioned that happiness is "not possible" anymore. I felt this way too at one point, exactly like this. It helped me to remind myself that the same neural circuits that gave rise to happiness still existed in me, so the potential was still there. I reminded myself that the belief that I would never get better was a just a depressive delusion, and that belief represented the most common central theme of depression: the delusion of hopelessness. It was indeed a delusion, as I have had many happy periods despite my depressed times. I am glad I stuck it out.
Sorry so rambly. I hope you get feeling better. Hang in there, and take care!
Matt
Posted by Ritch on January 4, 2003, at 14:06:04
In reply to Need some help, not sure if anything will help..., posted by Krysti on January 2, 2003, at 23:31:40
> right now though. I have always considered myself as a strong person and really want to be a strong person for myself and for others. Feel like I am losing it though and really don't know what to do right now. I really want a "cure-all" answer and know I'm not going to get it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 months ago and thought it was the answer to all my problems. Thought I could just take meds and everything would be better. Unfortunately, hasn't happened. I feel like I am worse off than I was before. Before, I always felt like I was fighting against something and at least sometimes winning, now I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Even though the meds make me more stable, I have felt the fight draining out of me now that I know what I am up against. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore. Even when I am on meds that make me feel better, I don't feel content. I feel like I can no longer strive for happiness for myself, because it is just not achievable any longer. I really don't want to kill myself because I know the pain it will bring to others and what good will that do? And I'm afraid for myself also, because I feel like I will burn in hell forever then anyway. I feel like maybe my purpose in life is to try to bring happiness to others, but I don't know how. I also feel that I am being a hypocrite to other people if I volunteer for something to bring them happiness when I cannot even do it for myself. Does this make sense? The only purpose right now that I can see in my life is to try to make other people's lives better. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I am definitely not a good enough person to volunteer in a hospital and changing people's bedpans or anything. I want to do good for other people, but selfishly, something I might enjoy also (I hope this doesn't sound horrible.) If anyone has any suggestions, I would be much appreciable.
>
> Thank you for any suggestions,
>
> Krysti
Krysti, I had a similar reaction to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder over 20 years ago. I thought "well OK, we know what is wrong, lithium is going to fix it, etc.", and then felt disappointed that it was something that was chronic that was being treated and controlled, but not cured. It sounds like you are just temporarily stuck in "the horse latitudes". I don't know what your cycling profile is but this is going to be temporary. You seem to have good ideas of what you are wanting to do with your life. I have been clueless since birth! Hang in there, it probably will not be long before someone may tell you something like: "Hey, I want some of what you are on, what are you hogging!". Over time I have gotten accustomed to and kind of like the odd wiring I have. ---Mitch
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