Posted by Ritch on January 4, 2003, at 14:06:04
In reply to Need some help, not sure if anything will help..., posted by Krysti on January 2, 2003, at 23:31:40
> right now though. I have always considered myself as a strong person and really want to be a strong person for myself and for others. Feel like I am losing it though and really don't know what to do right now. I really want a "cure-all" answer and know I'm not going to get it. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 6 months ago and thought it was the answer to all my problems. Thought I could just take meds and everything would be better. Unfortunately, hasn't happened. I feel like I am worse off than I was before. Before, I always felt like I was fighting against something and at least sometimes winning, now I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Even though the meds make me more stable, I have felt the fight draining out of me now that I know what I am up against. Nothing brings me pleasure anymore. Even when I am on meds that make me feel better, I don't feel content. I feel like I can no longer strive for happiness for myself, because it is just not achievable any longer. I really don't want to kill myself because I know the pain it will bring to others and what good will that do? And I'm afraid for myself also, because I feel like I will burn in hell forever then anyway. I feel like maybe my purpose in life is to try to bring happiness to others, but I don't know how. I also feel that I am being a hypocrite to other people if I volunteer for something to bring them happiness when I cannot even do it for myself. Does this make sense? The only purpose right now that I can see in my life is to try to make other people's lives better. I'm just not sure how to go about doing that. I am definitely not a good enough person to volunteer in a hospital and changing people's bedpans or anything. I want to do good for other people, but selfishly, something I might enjoy also (I hope this doesn't sound horrible.) If anyone has any suggestions, I would be much appreciable.
>
> Thank you for any suggestions,
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> Krysti
Krysti, I had a similar reaction to being diagnosed with bipolar disorder over 20 years ago. I thought "well OK, we know what is wrong, lithium is going to fix it, etc.", and then felt disappointed that it was something that was chronic that was being treated and controlled, but not cured. It sounds like you are just temporarily stuck in "the horse latitudes". I don't know what your cycling profile is but this is going to be temporary. You seem to have good ideas of what you are wanting to do with your life. I have been clueless since birth! Hang in there, it probably will not be long before someone may tell you something like: "Hey, I want some of what you are on, what are you hogging!". Over time I have gotten accustomed to and kind of like the odd wiring I have. ---Mitch
poster:Ritch
thread:134237
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021230/msgs/134473.html