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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Me, I'm suffering so bad I can't work, had to stop school and am functioning at minimal capacity. Some days I can go on the computer, other days I can't go near it. I get the impression that people who post on here are able to work or go to school, basically get out and fuction in the world (drive, shop, etc.) while on the meds and even with the side effects - is this true - is there ANYONE out there as bad off as I am?
Posted by Mark H. on March 13, 2002, at 22:42:37
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Many of us have been as bad off as you feel now, and we're functioning thanks to sticking with our attempts to find the right balance of medications. Take hope from us -- eventually, you will feel better!
When I was in the depths of it, I couldn't see more than a few inches in front of my face, as though I were in a dark pit, deprived of light and air to breathe. At those times, it was hard to remember that life had ever been any other way.
Yet within HOURS of finally finding the right meds, after years of searching, I knew I had a floor under me, and I could start putting my life back together.
It's important to trust that you, too, will find the right medications and will feel better, more functional, and more like you belong in the world.
It's OK that right now you cannot function well. Trust that this will pass. Keep your faith alive.
Very best wishes,
Mark H.
Posted by sid on March 13, 2002, at 23:34:42
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
I agree with Mark. I felt like a vegetable for a good while as I used to sleep too much, watch TV the rest of the time and not go out of the house for days at a time.
In your current situation, I would add that your doctor and/or therapist need(s) to know about your lethargyc state if it lasts for long after you try some meds, so that the right treatment can be found for you. They need to know that you're stil "not functioning" so they can look for the best solution for you.
Good luck and be patient - patience comes in handy when dealing with depression.
- sid
Posted by JohnX2 on March 13, 2002, at 23:45:05
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Hi Janelle,I have been able to function while on meds (sometimes a bit crippled, sometimes near capacity) and at other times I have been at home incapacitated. This is very common for people who are healing. It just takes time to go through the process. You're in a particulary sticky situation with the pdoc changes and all. It'll just take a little time to smooth over. Believe me, I can see that you are going to be on the right track.
I like to take my mind off things when I am at home by playing on the internet. I find that if I am sitting alone with my thoughts and worrying too much about the medicines that it just gets in the way.
Hang in there. I know its rough.
John> Me, I'm suffering so bad I can't work, had to stop school and am functioning at minimal capacity. Some days I can go on the computer, other days I can't go near it. I get the impression that people who post on here are able to work or go to school, basically get out and fuction in the world (drive, shop, etc.) while on the meds and even with the side effects - is this true - is there ANYONE out there as bad off as I am?
Posted by pedr on March 14, 2002, at 7:32:44
In reply to Re: How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me? » Janelle, posted by JohnX2 on March 13, 2002, at 23:45:05
Hi Janelle,
there are many people who read PB but don't post and there are many very ill people without internet access or who have not stumbled across PB yet.
So, unfortunately the answer is "yes, there are many others out there in similar distress".
About 12 months ago I dropped into a state of terror, alternating with deep depression for several months. Any mundane event [e.g. phoning a mate, buying some bread from the corner shop] appeared incredibly threatening, dark and bound to go disasterously. I felt physically sick and got intense stomach aches from the fear. I went back on meds and the terror alleviated. Ok, I was still very, very low but I could shop, excercise and communicate with others. A month or so later I began going back to work - just doing really easy stuff.
I think I'm basically trying to say "yes it's f*cking dreadful but it is not forever".
I really hope that things pick up soon for you. Best wishes,
peter.
Posted by Automated Lady on March 14, 2002, at 13:22:11
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Hiya.. some of the time I'm okay, a lot of the time I'm not. I'm trying to do a college course (full-time) and have an average of attending one or two days a week. The rest of the time I just can't do it. I have periods of feeling okay (often in the evening) but instead of using those periods to do work I've missed I tend to do obsessive things like tidying my room really thoroughly or writing lists: the "feeling better" is as unproductive as the feeling bad. Generally, I'm a mess, and ADs aren't working. I'm supposed to be starting full time work when I finish here and the very thought is just laughable. So there you go.
Posted by Libby Bonine on March 14, 2002, at 18:27:25
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Some days I function. Some days I don't.
At least once a week I question whether I can manage to keep my job.Prozac successfully treated my first major depressive episode and after that, my depression went into remission for several years, so I was able to establish myself in my profession.
My job performance got progressively worse with each episode, but I'd always been a strong performer... until episode number four. That one almost cost my job. The decline was so rapid I didn't recognize it. In less than a month, I went from getting a lifetime achievement award to being on probation for substandard performance! I'd gone from performing well in a very demanding job to being unable to drag myself out of bed long enough to even call in sick. I went to see my psychiatrist because a friend, who had seen me both well & sick insisted...strongly.
My psych asked me why I was there & I told him it was because my friend thought I was depressed.
He asked me the usual "depression questions" and when he asked how I felt about my future, I said, "Like I don't have one."Then he asked if I thought I was depressed & I said I didn't... Why? Did HE think I was?
"Oh, yeah," was his answer...Effexor and a four-month sabbatical got me functioning again, but it was months before I had ANY confidence at work. No amount of reassurance could make me feel good about my performance. My sense of worth on the job hit rock bottom and stayed there for a year or so. Eventually, I realized that although it was true that I wasn't functioning at the same level I had been, nobody else seemed to really care. Likek anyone, I'd rather my peers saw me as outstanding, but I've come to realize that "acceptable" is perfectly... acceptable.
I've been back at work for two and a half years now. I've probably talked about quitting a few hundred times. I wish I could say it's because of my great determination, but the truth is it has very little to do with me.
I can only function because I have been allowed to. I am LUCKY enough to work for both a company and a boss that have been willing to make some pretty hefty accomodations for me. I have given me EXTREMELY flexible hours, ample vacation time & sick days, and on a very limited basis, I can even work from home.
All of these accomodations are at the discretion of an almost eerily supportive boss. She is the rarest of rare and has done EVERYTHING the company allows her to do to help me keep working.
All she'd have to do is refuse to approve my working unusual hours and I'd be sunk.In return for all this flexibility, I've given up my most treasured career aspirations. I've had to accept the fact that I'm unreliable by most people's standards - and that is a liability. Because of my limitations, I've given up on working my way furterh up the corporate ladder. I've relinquished all hope of returning to the status of a managerial position. But it's not all negative. I've chosen to allow myself to be mediocre at work if that's what it takes to stay functional. Some may see that as a cop out, but I see it as practical at this point.
Depression really can be disabling.Hope this helps...
L.
Posted by Blue Cheer 1 on March 14, 2002, at 23:05:49
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
> Me, I'm suffering so bad I can't work, had to stop school and am functioning at minimal capacity. Some days I can go on the computer, other days I can't go near it. I get the impression that people who post on here are able to work or go to school, basically get out and fuction in the world (drive, shop, etc.) while on the meds and even with the side effects - is this true - is there ANYONE out there as bad off as I am?
Hi Janelle,
I'm really sorry you're feeling so badly, but it's human nature to think that others must be doing better than you when you're feeling this way. Not to diminish the quality and degree of your suffering, but I know there are persons with psychiatric disorders who feel even worse than you (every day and for years).
It always appears worse than it is -- when you're in the kind of state you're in. I'm guessing you're pretty young, and that's in your favor. Keeping a journal, especially of what medicines you've tried and how you've responded, might be helpful. Also, no matter how bad or dysfunctional you feel, try to go outdoors every day - even if it's for 10 minutes.Keep your spirits up,
Blue
Posted by trouble on March 15, 2002, at 5:10:03
In reply to Re: How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Libby Bonine on March 14, 2002, at 18:27:25
> Some days I function. Some days I don't.
> At least once a week I question whether I can manage to keep my job.
>yes. a million times yes.
>
>
> My job performance got progressively worse with each episode, but I'd always been a strong performer... until episode number four. That one almost cost my job. The decline was so rapid I didn't recognize it. In less than a month, I went from getting a lifetime achievement award to being on probation for substandard performance! I'd gone from performing well in a very demanding job to being unable to drag myself out of bed long enough to even call in sick.
this is it, exactly. to say nothing of the self-hatred it generates, on top of the hatred you anticipate from the people who rely on you, who can't quite seem to disguise it, no matter if you show up looking like the walking dead.
> Likek anyone, I'd rather my peers saw me as outstanding, but I've come to realize that "acceptable" is perfectly... acceptable.I'm trying, I have a rolodex of affirmations about this attitude of self-acceptance, but it seems to me the world is reading another sort of affirmations, as in "the 7 habits of highly
effective people" type, and it feels like they expect the same from me. If they can do it, why can't I? But, dear god, child, don't explain, no, we don't want to know about THAT! sigh
>
>
> I can only function because I have been allowed to. I am LUCKY enough to work for both a company and a boss that have been willing to make some pretty hefty accomodations for me. I have given me EXTREMELY flexible hours, ample vacation time & sick days, and on a very limited basis, I can even work from home.
>It sounds like you are more of an asset to the business than you give yrself credit for.
> In return for all this flexibility, I've given up my most treasured career aspirations. I've had to accept the fact that I'm unreliable by most people's standards - and that is a liability.
I have similar limitations, they are a liability too, but I sure don't have the self-esteem to acknowledge and work around that yet. It takes a lot of character to say what you're saying.>>>But it's not all negative. I've chosen to allow myself to be mediocre at work if that's what it takes to stay functional. Some may see that as a cop out, but I see it as practical at this point.
You left out refreshingly honest!
>> Depression really can be disabling.
What will it take for the rest of society to accept that? Workers who are out sick for a week w/ the flu return to the job and find get well cards on the desk, depressives return, looking like they've been appropriately ill and they get cool, sidelong glances. Some people seem to think I've been malingering, and others seem more scared of catching what I got than they are a bout w/ the flu, but no one knows what they're projecting, but the one who has to defend herself. The unacknowledged projections I perceived are what precipitated my exit from the professional world, if you have something to say to me, come on just say it, ya' know? Silence makes me feel like a leper...
> Hope this helps...
It helped yours truly,
trouble
Posted by BarbaraCat on March 15, 2002, at 20:03:23
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Sorry you're feeling so awful. Depression can feel like it's sucking the light and life energy right out of you with no hope or help. Ugh! I am currently on disability and have applied for Social Security because I hit the wall and know that a high stress work environment is no longer an option for me. I'll always be on medication for depression, but have finally (thank you, God!) found a combo that seems to be working. I can do most things now and enjoy them. I enjoy them with more tenderness and compassion because of the darkness I've been through.
Money is a source of stress, but I can cope with just about anything when I'm feeling good mentally. This will be true for you some day. Once you're brain chemistry is stabilized, you can cope, nothing seems as bleak, and there is warmth and humor in day to day things. But, boy oh boy, not too long ago I didn't think I was going to make it. Crying in bed all day, sleepless, aching, and thinking I could not and would not go on like that for much longer. I'm humbled and awed at our resiliency! Hang in there. This board will welcome and inform you and help you enjoy the priviledges of a very special club. - Barbara
Posted by JohnX2 on March 16, 2002, at 2:06:31
In reply to Re: How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Libby Bonine on March 14, 2002, at 18:27:25
Wow, I could have typed this myself (the job part). I hear you.John
> Some days I function. Some days I don't.
> At least once a week I question whether I can manage to keep my job.
>
> Prozac successfully treated my first major depressive episode and after that, my depression went into remission for several years, so I was able to establish myself in my profession.
>
> My job performance got progressively worse with each episode, but I'd always been a strong performer... until episode number four. That one almost cost my job. The decline was so rapid I didn't recognize it. In less than a month, I went from getting a lifetime achievement award to being on probation for substandard performance! I'd gone from performing well in a very demanding job to being unable to drag myself out of bed long enough to even call in sick. I went to see my psychiatrist because a friend, who had seen me both well & sick insisted...strongly.
>
> My psych asked me why I was there & I told him it was because my friend thought I was depressed.
> He asked me the usual "depression questions" and when he asked how I felt about my future, I said, "Like I don't have one."
>
> Then he asked if I thought I was depressed & I said I didn't... Why? Did HE think I was?
> "Oh, yeah," was his answer...
>
> Effexor and a four-month sabbatical got me functioning again, but it was months before I had ANY confidence at work. No amount of reassurance could make me feel good about my performance. My sense of worth on the job hit rock bottom and stayed there for a year or so. Eventually, I realized that although it was true that I wasn't functioning at the same level I had been, nobody else seemed to really care. Likek anyone, I'd rather my peers saw me as outstanding, but I've come to realize that "acceptable" is perfectly... acceptable.
>
> I've been back at work for two and a half years now. I've probably talked about quitting a few hundred times. I wish I could say it's because of my great determination, but the truth is it has very little to do with me.
>
> I can only function because I have been allowed to. I am LUCKY enough to work for both a company and a boss that have been willing to make some pretty hefty accomodations for me. I have given me EXTREMELY flexible hours, ample vacation time & sick days, and on a very limited basis, I can even work from home.
>
> All of these accomodations are at the discretion of an almost eerily supportive boss. She is the rarest of rare and has done EVERYTHING the company allows her to do to help me keep working.
> All she'd have to do is refuse to approve my working unusual hours and I'd be sunk.
>
> In return for all this flexibility, I've given up my most treasured career aspirations. I've had to accept the fact that I'm unreliable by most people's standards - and that is a liability. Because of my limitations, I've given up on working my way furterh up the corporate ladder. I've relinquished all hope of returning to the status of a managerial position. But it's not all negative. I've chosen to allow myself to be mediocre at work if that's what it takes to stay functional. Some may see that as a cop out, but I see it as practical at this point.
> Depression really can be disabling.
>
> Hope this helps...
> L.
Posted by Libby Bonine on March 18, 2002, at 18:12:26
In reply to Re: this one's kind of depressing, sorry, posted by trouble on March 15, 2002, at 5:10:03
>>Depression really can be disabling.
> What will it take for the rest of society to accept that?
I could tell you a million stories about people who just don't get it, but I'm sure I don't have to... I think we have a long way to go on this one... In spite of the "depression is an illness" talk, most people still seem to treat it like a character flaw.
>The unacknowledged projections I perceived are what precipitated my exit from the professional world, if you have something to say to me, come on just say it, ya' know? Silence makes me feel like a leper...
I know all about this. My boss was good to me, but my coworkers all seemed to be afraid of me. It almost did me in, too... I went home crying 2-3 times a week. I avoided meetings and elevators & the coffee pot. I'm still not really big on social interaction at work. I can do it, but my heart's not in it. I used to have people I thought were friends, but they just dropped me when it became unpleasant for them to be affiliated with me. Eventually people did start to treat me well enough, but social interaction is still really uncomfortable, even painful sometimes. I don't know if that ever gets better or not... I hope so, but I kinda doubt it... I do know it's pretty hard to get excited about making friends once you've seen them evaporate like mine did...
Hate to end on a depressing note... My life is really pretty good... but there are some aspects of it that depression has changed forever... I guess I'm not totally comfortable with all of them...
L.
Posted by vanessa on March 19, 2002, at 14:22:13
In reply to Re: this one's kind of depressing, sorry » trouble, posted by Libby Bonine on March 18, 2002, at 18:12:26
Yes, I've been as bad as you, and do empathise with your pain. There are levels of clinical depression, from still being able to function to being so comitose one has to be fed.** And you seem to be at pretty deep level...My last "bout" with deep depression lasted 3 years; after Nardil stopped working. Nothing else worked...not the l3 medications,the many different combinations of medicines, the ECT, the therapy or the "healthy" things I tried. "Going outside" and such made me feel worse, because not feeling the "life" around me made me painfully aware of what I had lost. I lived on the couch. Every morning, I cried when I woke up, because things were just as bad as the night before.Everything was dark, despairing, hopeless, like being in quicksand at the bottom of a dark well.... I am glad to say I finally found a combination of medications (not usually used together) that help somewhat. It has been along struggle. I can function. I am for sure better than I was. But I still have days of depression, and I am still looking for the "right" med. (I am lucky to have a tenacious well-informed doctor who has never doubted for one minute the biological nature of my illness, bipolar II, And I am lucky to know about the site
Psychobabble, where I have found valuable information and others with sometimes complicated conditions.)
I sincerely hope something works for you, and soon.
*** see Demitre and Janice Popolos book
on Depression).
Posted by BarbaraCat on March 19, 2002, at 15:18:45
In reply to Re: this one's kind of depressing, sorry, posted by vanessa on March 19, 2002, at 14:22:13
Dear Vanessa,
Thanks for writing and expressing so clearly what it's like to be in that dark hell. I can relate to everything you mentioned, especially the 'going outside and feeling worse'. In fact, when I'm in a particularly bad spell, I prefer rainy miserable weather rather than a lovely spring day. There is little else more anguishing than feeling horrible in a darkened disheveled room when outside is a beautiful fresh alive day.It's so difficult to explain to those around us what it's like to not have the energy, interest or hope to do even simple things that will supposedly make us feel better. Get more exercise; Go out and get your mind off your problems; Get involved with volunteering, give to others - yeah right, I can't even tie my shoelaces and these things are supposed to be do-able and make me feel better. There is no reason or cure other than that which involves healing the brain and it's delicate chemistry. It's not a matter of will, much as I'd love to take that Spring day walk.
I'm Bipolar II as well and have been through just about every med in the book in the last 25 years. Can I ask what you are currently on that is working for you (even a little)? Also, another question that has come up - are you currently able to work while going through all this? Inquiring minds on this board would like to know. - Barbara
Posted by Libby Bonine on March 19, 2002, at 15:31:12
In reply to Re: How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me? » Libby Bonine, posted by JohnX2 on March 16, 2002, at 2:06:31
It bothers me that in spite of all the tv shows, magazine articles, etc. about depression as an illness that so many people still treat it as a character flaw... even people you think would know better.
My 16 year old daughter has been suffering from major depression for four years now. We expecct she will require medication for her entire life.
She tried to stay active in school, makes B's, and is even a schooll cheerleader... but every year, we have to fight to keep her out of summer school because local school policy is that students who miss too many days are required to attend summer school. I have been amazed by the number of educators who have books about teenage depression in their offices but say things like, "Why don't you just MAKE her get up and go to school?" They don't understand that every time she goes through a med change or a moderate degree of stress, she goes through a PHYSICAL adjustment period. I understand the need to hold depressed workers/students to the same standards as others, but shouldn't B's be good enough?
Posted by Kelty on March 20, 2002, at 22:08:56
In reply to How do y'all function; anyone as bad off as me?, posted by Janelle on March 13, 2002, at 21:49:57
Hi again Janelle
I just wanted to assure you again that you are not alone. I have not worked outside my home in years due to my illness, and while I am functioning fairly well at the moment, there have been long periods of time over the last 12 years when that was not the case. I went through months at a time when I was unable to drive, cook, work or even look after my own children. But things do get better eventually, especially if you can find a med that helps. It can be long and there will be ups and downs but please hang in there.
I am keeping hopes for you.
Kelty
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