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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by trouble on March 13, 2002, at 21:18:42
Hi,
I posted Monday about disorientaion by osmosis, working the last 6 weeks w/an Alzheimer's patient for the express purpose of normalizing her memory lapses, walking her through them when they come, and giving her a way to be w/that. I've been good, she's not so afraid anymore, more matter of fact, her people tell me that now when she's confused instead of saying she's losing her mind and wished she was dead she's just as apt to say, oh that's my memory again, I have short-term memory problems. I'm very proud to hear my own words used as comfort, and I feel that this population could be my niche, I am at my happiest when spending time w/them.
There's a school I could attend to get certified in the technique I aspire to, and til then there's my volunteer job as a nursing home ombudsman starting next month.
But my pdoc believes my current disorientation has everything to do w/ mirroring the Alzheimer's client, no boundaries, he says people w/borderline traits have a propensity for entering psychotic states fast. He said I have a permeability that makes me take on the pathology of others as if it was my own, but he said it's not my pathology, and this was the best thing he said.
I'm not going to get all sad and defeated about my potential work w/Alzheimer's clients, I enjoy them so much I'm going to have to learn how to accomodate the boundary-type permealibity. He said I should keep an open mind, don't decide in advance how things have to change, since they may not turn out the way I want them to, and that's setting myself up to fail. I'm supposed to stop ordering the universe around, and find ways to accomodate whatever it hands out, instead of seeing the discrepancy btwn me and reality as a personal failure.
I believe I have something to offer Alzheimer's patients, but weird and scary mistakes happen too, which I bet could be corrected at the training institute next year. I do start acting like them sometimes and that's bad, it scares the families when when they see me become confused and erratic, it feels and looks bad, but I believe it can be helped, I just need to find someone else who has the permeability problem and copy their solutions.My pdoc is also reducing my Wellbutrin by half, we raised the dose 6 weeks ago when all this chaos began, and he's hopeful that it will go away once I'm down to 100mg twice/day. We're raising the gabitril to the roof, no Buspar, but he gave me PRN diazepam 'til we get over this bump. He told me about an episode of Star Trek where this figure goes around touching people and taking their diseases on herself. You need to stop doing that he said, but when I asked him how he just sighed. I bet he was thinking about DBT again, but any mention of DBT therapy sends me raging and spieling, but I've been thinking of trying it again myself, there are other classes in Austin than the one I went to, maybe it's worth another shot, who knows?
The only time he slapped my hand today was mad, disgusted bitching about my use of psychologival terms when I don't know what I'm talking about, and I was too exhausted to debate the whole power in naming thing, since you have to go all the way back to Adam for that, I didn't even say you're just threatened by the surface knowledge of a mental patient who's getting a little too close to the priestly caste, but I wanted to. It would have changed the whole dynamic, and I was enjoying the fatherly vibe too much, he even said, and I totally stiffened, but I let him say that I need to stop thinking, I need to eat right, sleep right, exercise, take my meds and find some halfway steady work, that's all, I'm not supposed to think or try to figure things out. I would have creamed him for that, but he acknowledged the boredom in it so I let it pass. I guess we were both taking chances today.Sorry if this is too long, just wanted to say I remembered your support while in his office tonight and things turned out pretty good this time.
trouble
Posted by Mark H. on March 13, 2002, at 22:36:19
In reply to Mark H and Cam, meandering update, posted by trouble on March 13, 2002, at 21:18:42
Trouble,
Thank you for the good update. It would take me two weeks, full-time, to write the reply you deserve to even one of your posts. And you toss off these gems -- these treasures of compassion, humor and insight -- at the rate of several a day sometimes.
I'm not really good at anything except appreciating others. I see angels and demons, recognize genius, ache for the loneliness of artists and lovers. I've found work shaping others' words into somewhat compelling prose.
Your writing is incredible, wonderful, thrilling. You are so close to being publishable, if you wanted to collect, arrange, edit, organize and (most importantly) sustain your efforts and themes over the weeks or months it would take to shape a volume of work.
But I don't want the concept of "writer" to limit you or to be felt in any way as an expectation.
It's really OK if you write better than 90% of published authors yet treat your gift as though it were nothing. It's really OK to work with Alzheimer's patients, to find your way wherever it opens.
Do you know the Tibetan Buddhist practice of Tonglen? The library might have a copy of the "Tibetan Book of Living and Dying."
I'm as permeable as a well-worn tee-shirt. After reading a post from you yesterday, I went for a walk today from my office and found a copy of "Mercury" to buy.
I'm still reeling from "pretty vacant." In my reading, there's a comma separating the words.
As a child she was pretty, vacant of ill-will, trusting, always assuming the best in others. They mistook this generosity of heart for a dull wit.
Slowly, slowly so as not to be consumed by the flame.
Your friend,
Mark H.
Posted by trouble on March 14, 2002, at 0:19:34
In reply to Re: Mark H and Cam, meandering update, posted by Mark H. on March 13, 2002, at 22:36:19
Hello Mark,
I felt like crying when I read your reply. You know, I went looking thru the archives for the hotheaded posts you told someone got you in trouble over and couldn't find them. I know how shallow this sounds, but am I thinking of another Mark, or didn't I go back far enough?
Here's the main thing I believe, that in all our diversity, we are all us humans on the same path, and that when problems arise between us it's b/c we're in different "time frames." Nobody knows what I'm talking about with "time frames," but the idea consoles me, and I think you can understand it.
I meet people who are in my own time frame, kind of free and kind of stuck, and others who are a few steps behind, drunkards and whatnot, but it's still the same path. Every now and then I see someone who I believe is ahead of me on the path, not superior in any way, just another human, only more experienced, and more at peace w/ their bullshit. I think you, and kid_A are ahead of me on the path, and it's hard to picture either one of you making a false move, so it would be instructive for me to see those old posts of yours, as an example of someone who moved ahead. But if you'd rather I skip it, no prob, I'll just use my imagination.I have a question about meditation I've been nervous about putting on the board, so I'll test it on you first. I have a forgiving little book on meditation that says it's not supposed to be torture, it's ok if your mind wanders, there's no right and wrong way, meditation is on your side and it's always freely available. The only rule is that you meditate w/your feet planted solidly on the ground. Well I don't want to do it that way, I'd rather meditate upside down on the ironing board w/my feet in the air and my head on a pillow, and I was just wondering if that would ruin the benifits. My mind needs to be emptied, it's way too full, but all sitting positions irritate me and I spend the whole five minutes resenting everything in sight. But upside down on the ironing board feels good and I can maintain that position in relative silence for 10-15 minutes. Do you know why the guru said to keep your feet on the ground, and in your opinion is it important to do so?
OK, thanks!trouble
Posted by Mark H. on March 14, 2002, at 10:57:10
In reply to the path, the timeframe, and meditation quandary, posted by trouble on March 14, 2002, at 0:19:34
Dear Trouble,
My high school Shakespeare teacher initially thought I was an asshole because I laughed during Hamlet. Later, she realized that's how I express my hurt, and we became close friends. I hide my hurt in humor that sometimes has a bitter edge, and my attempts to be funny have sometimes been unintentionally hurtful. If I'm easier to live with these days, it's because my intense self-hatred has greatly abated in the last couple of years.
I don't so much regret the times that I've challenged people here to look at their issues (although I now realize that a semi-public forum is not the place to do that) as I do a parody thread I wrote a couple of years ago, which seemed very funny at the time but wound up being hurtful.
I'd speculate that the teacher intended "keeping your feet on the ground" to mean remaining grounded and present during meditation, rather than using it as a time to space out and abandon your body (we get to do that when we sleep). The position you find comfortable would be perfect for meditation for you. The most important thing is to smile and be kind to yourself while you're meditating -- "my mind just wandered off again, OK, by realizing that, I've come back into mindfulness... Ooops, there is went again, no problem, now I'm back" etc.
It's that sweet, tolerant, grandmother-like balance between directing and letting go, loving and protecting, holding space open for yourself and others always to be healthier, more relaxed and present. In the end, it's discovering that nothing we do is worth anything unless it benefits everybody. There is no them and us. It's all us.
My largest obstacle on the path right now is that I simply fall asleep when I sit quietly. The lama starts teaching, and 45 minutes later I'm snoring away. It must seem incredibly rude to others, but I just have to accept that that is the way I am for now. All the stimulants in the world can't keep me awake during a long teaching or while sitting still.
Time to eat and go to work!
Slowly, slowly friend.
Mark H.
Posted by BarbaraCat on March 15, 2002, at 20:49:53
In reply to the path, the timeframe, and meditation quandary, posted by trouble on March 14, 2002, at 0:19:34
Hi Trouble,
I'm going to jump in here. I've been meditating since 1972 so feel I can contribute some long-time experience. There are a few reasons for the sitting up feet down suggestions. A good one is that it prevents you from falling asleep. But the other major one has to do with a general alignment principle that works with the shushumna, or the energetic channel that runs parallel to the spine. It works with the Earth/Cosmos directional forces, helps move the Kundalini upwards, and simply feels more powerful. However, whatever works for you is right. There will probably come a time when sitting up will feel better. - Barbara
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