Psycho-Babble Medication Thread 60779

Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by missy77 on April 22, 2001, at 16:54:29

hello everyone...i'm a 24-year-old female that has suffered from depression for most of my life. i won't go into my entire history, but for the last year, i have been on zoloft. i started taking it after my doctor diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder. it may have been a premature diagnosis, because i only went to him once (i really didn't like him very much, and i've had a hard time finding a doc that i do like so i kinda gave up and have been relying solely on the zoloft since then.) my symptoms never really improved - i continued cutting myself, still felt lost, empty, and dependent on others to define myself. i continued to drink heavily and i was still thinking about suicide just about every day. about 6 months ago, i began dating this guy - it was really really rough at the begining - constant fighting - but i stuck it out for some reason - maybe i got dependent really quickly and couldn't let him go, no matter how unhappy he made me. i'm not really sure. but recently things have gotten a lot better. we've been getting along great, but it seems like now, when we do have a fight, even if it's about something small or insignificant, i flip out, and become uncontrolably upset. i've been cutting myself A LOT, and have even let him into that part of my life - he's the only person besides my therapist that i ever talked to about that. i'm so scared all the time that he's going to realize that i'm nuts and he can do so much better than me, but he says he cared about me so much and that he wants to be with me in spite of all of this. he's so incredibly understanding. well last week, i forgot to take my zoloft when we went on a trip together, so i decided (with his encouragement) to stop taking it all together. i know this probably wasn't the best idea, but i didn't want to go talk to my doc about it because i don't feel like he really understands me anyway. so i went off cold-turkey, and things were great. we got along better than ever before, i no longer felt the jealousy i used to feel all the time, i no longer got upset about little things, i felt much more relaxed and centered than i had in a long time. the only bad thing was that i was having some weird physically side effects (extreme dizziness, headaches, hot flashes) - but i figured if i could just sweat it out for the next few days i'd be fine. on saturday night we got into a little argument, and i exploded. i was extremely mean to him, and then he left, and i went crazy. i pushed my best friend who was trying to calm me down, i was laying in the middle of the road crying and screaming at the top of my lungs....i have never felt so far removed from who i really am in my life. i wanted to end it - i went home and i was going to kill myself - when i got home, he was there, and i calmed down, and i was ok. but it's so scary for me to think about what would have happened had he not been waiting at my house for me. i am really confused and scared right now - when i'm feeling good, which is most of the time now (the past week) it feels wonderful, but then when i feel bad, it's like the worst i've ever felt in my life. what is causing these extreme highs and lows?? could it just be a withdrawl symptom? or do you think it means i definitely need to go back on the meds? i know i definitely need to start seeing a therapist (i actually got violent with my best friend!! that thought makes me sick - that i could hurt someone that cares about me so much) - but do you think there's any hope that i'll be able to eventually have a normal life without medication? i guess the best thing i can do right now is wait it out and talk to a therapist - but i just wanted to see if anyone had any sort of advice they could share with me. i want to always feel like i felt last week - normal. i most of all want it for my boyfriend and my other "loved ones" - i don't want to keep treating the people that matter most in my life with such anger and rage - i want to be able to make them happy and make them feel good - and i don't want them to have to worry about me like they do. sorry for babbling for so long...thanks in advance for listening :-)

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by Alii on April 22, 2001, at 17:42:37

In reply to withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by missy77 on April 22, 2001, at 16:54:29

missy77,

I had a horrible time coming off Zoloft (it was horrible on it too but that is only MY experience) but I did get through it. It was several years ago when I took it but I can clearly recall how terrifying the withdrawal was. Talk to professionals about this. Therapy is a great idea.

> >...but i didn't want to go talk to my doc about it because i don't feel like he really understands me anyway.< <
FIND A NEW DOCTOR! I've been through umpteen medications and three doctors (we won't even begin the number of therapists I've had! then again I have moved frequently over the past ten years) and I have never regretted finding a new doctor when I felt my voice was not being heard. Yes, it is exhausting finding a new doctor or therapist but there is help out there. I do not have the resources at my fingertips that offer up helpful tips to better facilitate your search but I'm sure some other babbler here does...hint hint. Regaining your life is possible. I'm fighting hard for mine. You are not alone in this battle.

Is there any other doc a GP or OBGYN that could help out? Just an idea. Ultimately a pdoc or psychopharmacologist would be the bees knees but until you find another consider other avenues to get you through the time being. I did have an old friend of the family doc help out in a pinch when I couldn't find a doc to work with. He prescribed my meds (I was stable and on a maintenance dose at that time) for the interim and offered up useful information about new medications I hadn't heard of yet.

--Alii

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by mikes on April 22, 2001, at 20:22:36

In reply to withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by missy77 on April 22, 2001, at 16:54:29

I understand at least somewhat how you've been feeling. I have had episodes of intense irritability since I started the Zoloft, especially since I began the 50mg. It got so bad after 2.5 weeks on the 50 I immediately decided to stop, by tapering down to 25 for a week.

I used some GHB last night and I felt better today than I have in a long time. I was motivated to do things which I have been trying to do for months. I felt no anxiety and was very confident. I would prefer a more serotonergic antidepressant effect, but this one is definitely acceptable. I'm trying two more prescription antidepressants. When that doesn't work, I'm just going to say fuck it and take GHB nightly. It works quickly and effectively. The withdrawal effects, if you get them, only last for a week. There are sexual side effects, on the opposite end of the spectrum. It doesn't cripple the intellect or cause sedation during the day.

Sorry to turn this post into a pulpit for my GHB preachings, but I am just so fed up right now. With antidepressants, with my life. I haven't felt normal ever since I started combining 5-HTP and St. John's Wort 6 months ago (then on to just 5-htp, then paxil, now zoloft). The summer before that time, I had used all sorts of illicit drugs, with no bad effects to speak of whatsoever. When I stopped the drug, I was back to normal. I doubt this would be the same for everyone. Many people have reported lasting problems after using such drugs. But for me, antidepressants, both prescription and over the counter, are not working out so far.

I would give everything to be back at this time last year, knowing what I know now. I wouldn't ever buy 5-HTP or go on an ssri. I would just stick with the illicits.

missy, back to you, you sound like a very sweet person and I wish you didn't have to go through this. Try going back to the zoloft on your regular dose. Taper it off very gradually. Hopefully you won't have to deal with these symptoms anymore. I'm not sure if therapy would help if your case is similar to mine. My episodes were purely biochemical.

> hello everyone...i'm a 24-year-old female that has suffered from depression for most of my life. i won't go into my entire history, but for the last year, i have been on zoloft. i started taking it after my doctor diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder. it may have been a premature diagnosis, because i only went to him once (i really didn't like him very much, and i've had a hard time finding a doc that i do like so i kinda gave up and have been relying solely on the zoloft since then.) my symptoms never really improved - i continued cutting myself, still felt lost, empty, and dependent on others to define myself. i continued to drink heavily and i was still thinking about suicide just about every day. about 6 months ago, i began dating this guy - it was really really rough at the begining - constant fighting - but i stuck it out for some reason - maybe i got dependent really quickly and couldn't let him go, no matter how unhappy he made me. i'm not really sure. but recently things have gotten a lot better. we've been getting along great, but it seems like now, when we do have a fight, even if it's about something small or insignificant, i flip out, and become uncontrolably upset. i've been cutting myself A LOT, and have even let him into that part of my life - he's the only person besides my therapist that i ever talked to about that. i'm so scared all the time that he's going to realize that i'm nuts and he can do so much better than me, but he says he cared about me so much and that he wants to be with me in spite of all of this. he's so incredibly understanding. well last week, i forgot to take my zoloft when we went on a trip together, so i decided (with his encouragement) to stop taking it all together. i know this probably wasn't the best idea, but i didn't want to go talk to my doc about it because i don't feel like he really understands me anyway. so i went off cold-turkey, and things were great. we got along better than ever before, i no longer felt the jealousy i used to feel all the time, i no longer got upset about little things, i felt much more relaxed and centered than i had in a long time. the only bad thing was that i was having some weird physically side effects (extreme dizziness, headaches, hot flashes) - but i figured if i could just sweat it out for the next few days i'd be fine. on saturday night we got into a little argument, and i exploded. i was extremely mean to him, and then he left, and i went crazy. i pushed my best friend who was trying to calm me down, i was laying in the middle of the road crying and screaming at the top of my lungs....i have never felt so far removed from who i really am in my life. i wanted to end it - i went home and i was going to kill myself - when i got home, he was there, and i calmed down, and i was ok. but it's so scary for me to think about what would have happened had he not been waiting at my house for me. i am really confused and scared right now - when i'm feeling good, which is most of the time now (the past week) it feels wonderful, but then when i feel bad, it's like the worst i've ever felt in my life. what is causing these extreme highs and lows?? could it just be a withdrawl symptom? or do you think it means i definitely need to go back on the meds? i know i definitely need to start seeing a therapist (i actually got violent with my best friend!! that thought makes me sick - that i could hurt someone that cares about me so much) - but do you think there's any hope that i'll be able to eventually have a normal life without medication? i guess the best thing i can do right now is wait it out and talk to a therapist - but i just wanted to see if anyone had any sort of advice they could share with me. i want to always feel like i felt last week - normal. i most of all want it for my boyfriend and my other "loved ones" - i don't want to keep treating the people that matter most in my life with such anger and rage - i want to be able to make them happy and make them feel good - and i don't want them to have to worry about me like they do. sorry for babbling for so long...thanks in advance for listening :-)

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by mikes on April 22, 2001, at 21:28:55

In reply to Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by mikes on April 22, 2001, at 20:22:36

Now that the horrible episode of dysphoria during which I wrote that last post is over, I can reexamine things a bit.

Unfortunately, nearly all of what I said in the last post is true, even from this less-emotionally-influenced standpoint. I am scared of what will happen when the ADs stop working for me and I need to stop. Will I be plagued by withdrawal symptoms for years on end? Will they even work for me at all? I will try a few more, like I said. But being that I have had adverse reactions (not related to side effects, but instead to my depression) to both paxil and zoloft at small doses, and I don't like feeling sedated, and I like cheese, I'm kind of running out of options.

JahL's response to my latest post, http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20010417/msgs/60798.html, gives me some hope. "everyday activties became pleasurable & no longer a chore". I envy you, JahL.

Missy- you may also want to try starting a new ssri, even though you may be against it.


> I understand at least somewhat how you've been feeling. I have had episodes of intense irritability since I started the Zoloft, especially since I began the 50mg. It got so bad after 2.5 weeks on the 50 I immediately decided to stop, by tapering down to 25 for a week.
>
> I used some GHB last night and I felt better today than I have in a long time. I was motivated to do things which I have been trying to do for months. I felt no anxiety and was very confident. I would prefer a more serotonergic antidepressant effect, but this one is definitely acceptable. I'm trying two more prescription antidepressants. When that doesn't work, I'm just going to say fuck it and take GHB nightly. It works quickly and effectively. The withdrawal effects, if you get them, only last for a week. There are sexual side effects, on the opposite end of the spectrum. It doesn't cripple the intellect or cause sedation during the day.
>
> Sorry to turn this post into a pulpit for my GHB preachings, but I am just so fed up right now. With antidepressants, with my life. I haven't felt normal ever since I started combining 5-HTP and St. John's Wort 6 months ago (then on to just 5-htp, then paxil, now zoloft). The summer before that time, I had used all sorts of illicit drugs, with no bad effects to speak of whatsoever. When I stopped the drug, I was back to normal. I doubt this would be the same for everyone. Many people have reported lasting problems after using such drugs. But for me, antidepressants, both prescription and over the counter, are not working out so far.
>
> I would give everything to be back at this time last year, knowing what I know now. I wouldn't ever buy 5-HTP or go on an ssri. I would just stick with the illicits.
>
> missy, back to you, you sound like a very sweet person and I wish you didn't have to go through this. Try going back to the zoloft on your regular dose. Taper it off very gradually. Hopefully you won't have to deal with these symptoms anymore. I'm not sure if therapy would help if your case is similar to mine. My episodes were purely biochemical.
>
> > hello everyone...i'm a 24-year-old female that has suffered from depression for most of my life. i won't go into my entire history, but for the last year, i have been on zoloft. i started taking it after my doctor diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder. it may have been a premature diagnosis, because i only went to him once (i really didn't like him very much, and i've had a hard time finding a doc that i do like so i kinda gave up and have been relying solely on the zoloft since then.) my symptoms never really improved - i continued cutting myself, still felt lost, empty, and dependent on others to define myself. i continued to drink heavily and i was still thinking about suicide just about every day. about 6 months ago, i began dating this guy - it was really really rough at the begining - constant fighting - but i stuck it out for some reason - maybe i got dependent really quickly and couldn't let him go, no matter how unhappy he made me. i'm not really sure. but recently things have gotten a lot better. we've been getting along great, but it seems like now, when we do have a fight, even if it's about something small or insignificant, i flip out, and become uncontrolably upset. i've been cutting myself A LOT, and have even let him into that part of my life - he's the only person besides my therapist that i ever talked to about that. i'm so scared all the time that he's going to realize that i'm nuts and he can do so much better than me, but he says he cared about me so much and that he wants to be with me in spite of all of this. he's so incredibly understanding. well last week, i forgot to take my zoloft when we went on a trip together, so i decided (with his encouragement) to stop taking it all together. i know this probably wasn't the best idea, but i didn't want to go talk to my doc about it because i don't feel like he really understands me anyway. so i went off cold-turkey, and things were great. we got along better than ever before, i no longer felt the jealousy i used to feel all the time, i no longer got upset about little things, i felt much more relaxed and centered than i had in a long time. the only bad thing was that i was having some weird physically side effects (extreme dizziness, headaches, hot flashes) - but i figured if i could just sweat it out for the next few days i'd be fine. on saturday night we got into a little argument, and i exploded. i was extremely mean to him, and then he left, and i went crazy. i pushed my best friend who was trying to calm me down, i was laying in the middle of the road crying and screaming at the top of my lungs....i have never felt so far removed from who i really am in my life. i wanted to end it - i went home and i was going to kill myself - when i got home, he was there, and i calmed down, and i was ok. but it's so scary for me to think about what would have happened had he not been waiting at my house for me. i am really confused and scared right now - when i'm feeling good, which is most of the time now (the past week) it feels wonderful, but then when i feel bad, it's like the worst i've ever felt in my life. what is causing these extreme highs and lows?? could it just be a withdrawl symptom? or do you think it means i definitely need to go back on the meds? i know i definitely need to start seeing a therapist (i actually got violent with my best friend!! that thought makes me sick - that i could hurt someone that cares about me so much) - but do you think there's any hope that i'll be able to eventually have a normal life without medication? i guess the best thing i can do right now is wait it out and talk to a therapist - but i just wanted to see if anyone had any sort of advice they could share with me. i want to always feel like i felt last week - normal. i most of all want it for my boyfriend and my other "loved ones" - i don't want to keep treating the people that matter most in my life with such anger and rage - i want to be able to make them happy and make them feel good - and i don't want them to have to worry about me like they do. sorry for babbling for so long...thanks in advance for listening :-)

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by Smiley on April 23, 2001, at 10:43:32

In reply to withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by missy77 on April 22, 2001, at 16:54:29

Hi Missy,
-It sounds like you are going through a living hell. I am not a shrink, or a doctor, and I can only hope that my words will help you in some way. I took Zoloft for a year-and-a-half. I started at 25mg and by the time I went off cold-turkey because I didn't have the co-pay to pay for my prescription, I was up to 150mg. I only weigh 92 lbs. Number one, if your therapist doesn't work for you, you need to find a different one.
-This is my experience on Zoloft. I am normally a really patient person, and do not blow up real easy. But of course, I had problems in my life that would make me want to just blow up at someone. Zoloft took that edge off for me. By the time I got to 150mg, even if I was angry, I couldn't tune into it. I was completely numb to all feelings, all emotions, including happiness, and enjoying the sunshine.
-I stayed on this medicine because my psych doc felt the smaller doses were not working for me, and just kept upping the mgs. everytime I would see him.
-Having severe ups and downs is trying emotionally, I know, been through that somewhat. But, ad medicines are supposed to help level you out. I too got fed up with the medicine, and wanted to stop taking it, but I could not tolerate the Zoloft withdrawals. I had extreme headaches, got nauseous, got dizzy, etc... My doctor told me to go back on it, and slowly wean myself off.
-Missy, there is help out there, but, you've got to keep trying. You need to ask a doctor if that is really the right medicine for you. Tell your doctor (therapist) what you've been going through. I honestly do not feel like the Zoloft is doing the trick for you, but like I said, I am no MD.
-After 2 years, I just started a different medicine, after trying so many others, and it may be doing the trick for me. I'll just have to wait & see. Please don't stop taking the medicine just because your boyfriend wants you to.
-Yes, I did feel like I could feel again after I stopped taking the Zoloft. Life almost returned to normal. But if you are experiencing severe highs and lows, sometimes therapy will help. You just have to find the right one.
-I found that my psychriatic doctor knew more about ad drugs than my family doctor did. Maybe this will help for you.

-Take care of yourself. Staying on a medicine is a decision you will have to make, but you should only decide to go off it, with your doctor's advice, me I didn't know about the withdrawl effects of Zoloft, until is was too late. Now, I am trying to be more responsible for myself and checking into the information I can find.

-Good Luck


> hello everyone...i'm a 24-year-old female that has suffered from depression for most of my life. i won't go into my entire history, but for the last year, i have been on zoloft. i started taking it after my doctor diagnosed me as having borderline personality disorder. it may have been a premature diagnosis, because i only went to him once (i really didn't like him very much, and i've had a hard time finding a doc that i do like so i kinda gave up and have been relying solely on the zoloft since then.) my symptoms never really improved - i continued cutting myself, still felt lost, empty, and dependent on others to define myself. i continued to drink heavily and i was still thinking about suicide just about every day. about 6 months ago, i began dating this guy - it was really really rough at the begining - constant fighting - but i stuck it out for some reason - maybe i got dependent really quickly and couldn't let him go, no matter how unhappy he made me. i'm not really sure. but recently things have gotten a lot better. we've been getting along great, but it seems like now, when we do have a fight, even if it's about something small or insignificant, i flip out, and become uncontrolably upset. i've been cutting myself A LOT, and have even let him into that part of my life - he's the only person besides my therapist that i ever talked to about that. i'm so scared all the time that he's going to realize that i'm nuts and he can do so much better than me, but he says he cared about me so much and that he wants to be with me in spite of all of this. he's so incredibly understanding. well last week, i forgot to take my zoloft when we went on a trip together, so i decided (with his encouragement) to stop taking it all together. i know this probably wasn't the best idea, but i didn't want to go talk to my doc about it because i don't feel like he really understands me anyway. so i went off cold-turkey, and things were great. we got along better than ever before, i no longer felt the jealousy i used to feel all the time, i no longer got upset about little things, i felt much more relaxed and centered than i had in a long time. the only bad thing was that i was having some weird physically side effects (extreme dizziness, headaches, hot flashes) - but i figured if i could just sweat it out for the next few days i'd be fine. on saturday night we got into a little argument, and i exploded. i was extremely mean to him, and then he left, and i went crazy. i pushed my best friend who was trying to calm me down, i was laying in the middle of the road crying and screaming at the top of my lungs....i have never felt so far removed from who i really am in my life. i wanted to end it - i went home and i was going to kill myself - when i got home, he was there, and i calmed down, and i was ok. but it's so scary for me to think about what would have happened had he not been waiting at my house for me. i am really confused and scared right now - when i'm feeling good, which is most of the time now (the past week) it feels wonderful, but then when i feel bad, it's like the worst i've ever felt in my life. what is causing these extreme highs and lows?? could it just be a withdrawl symptom? or do you think it means i definitely need to go back on the meds? i know i definitely need to start seeing a therapist (i actually got violent with my best friend!! that thought makes me sick - that i could hurt someone that cares about me so much) - but do you think there's any hope that i'll be able to eventually have a normal life without medication? i guess the best thing i can do right now is wait it out and talk to a therapist - but i just wanted to see if anyone had any sort of advice they could share with me. i want to always feel like i felt last week - normal. i most of all want it for my boyfriend and my other "loved ones" - i don't want to keep treating the people that matter most in my life with such anger and rage - i want to be able to make them happy and make them feel good - and i don't want them to have to worry about me like they do. sorry for babbling for so long...thanks in advance for listening :-)

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by missy77 on April 23, 2001, at 13:25:34

In reply to Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by Smiley on April 23, 2001, at 10:43:32

hello again...thank you all so much for your responses - it helps a lot to know that other people out there have experienced the same things i have (not that i'd wish those feelings on anyone!! but you know what i mean...) i think that what i have the hardest time dealing with is this...it's hard for me to tell other people not to worry about me when i worry about myself. it's almost as if i'm not in control of myself sometimes - such as the other night. on an ordinary day, i won't deny it, i think about suicide. but the guilt of thinking about what that would do to my friends and family is what keeps me from actually doing it. but the other night, i suddenly didn't care anymore, and i was ready to go. i told my best friend that i love her and to tell all my other friends and family that i love them too, just in case something happens. (she told me she'd sit up with me the entire night to make sure i didn't do anything like that - i guess my life can't be that bad if i have friends like that - she was the one i practically beat up earlier in the night!!) so even though i always thought i'd never actually do it, i don't feel so sure anymore. i'm hoping it's just a nasty side effect of the withdrawal, and that those fits of rage will go away soon. til then, it's probably best if i don't drink too much - since that seems to help set me off. i'm definitely going to start going to a therapist again, though i'm hoping i won't have to go back on meds. i like feeling like myself, no matter how nuts "myself" really is. but i know that if it gets to a point where i don't feel like life's worth living again (i've been there many times before) i won't be so stubborn as to not give some other meds a try. it was weird - i had this dream the other night that my boyfriend and i got into another fight - i stormed out of the house and he didn't follow me, and so jumped off a cliff. the feeling of falling is so vivid in my head, but the thoughts that ran through my head and the feeling that ran through my body is what is scariest to me - i wasn't at all scared of dying, all i was thinking was "aaahhh, it's finally over" - strange. ok, well thank you all again - i'll keep you posted on how things go, if my side effects subside, if i ever find a decent doc, etc. take care everyone! :-)

 

Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice...

Posted by Smiley on April 24, 2001, at 9:45:19

In reply to Re: withdrawal from zoloft - need advice..., posted by missy77 on April 23, 2001, at 13:25:34

Hello again Missy,

-Sometimes in situations like that you can tell who your friends really are. The ones that will sit and hold your hand through a bad night like that are really special. I have a friend who was having problems and didn't realize it, her mom realized it, and helped her. My friend, I found out later was thinking of killing herself, and her mom drove her a long way to take her to a hospital. My friend had been taking meds for depression. While my friend was in the hospital, they found out she was bipolar, and started her on medicine for it. She had been experiencing extreme highs and lows, and now on meds, she says she feels normal again.
-Sometimes in this fog we feel, we have a hard time taking care of ourselves, I've only recently learned to reach out and ask for help when I get to those points. I always thought I could take care of everything myself.
-A lot of times, it has been only my faith that will get me through some of my darkest periods. I always hope & pray that things will get better. There is a saying that goes, behind every cloud & rainstorm, is the sun & rainbow, just waiting to happen.
-I am still not certain if I like taking meds for my depression, a friend asked me wouldn't I rather get through life without them. Honestly, yes I would. But, only time will tell.

Good luck, Missy, I hope you find the help you need soon.

> hello again...thank you all so much for your responses - it helps a lot to know that other people out there have experienced the same things i have (not that i'd wish those feelings on anyone!! but you know what i mean...) i think that what i have the hardest time dealing with is this...it's hard for me to tell other people not to worry about me when i worry about myself. it's almost as if i'm not in control of myself sometimes - such as the other night. on an ordinary day, i won't deny it, i think about suicide. but the guilt of thinking about what that would do to my friends and family is what keeps me from actually doing it. but the other night, i suddenly didn't care anymore, and i was ready to go. i told my best friend that i love her and to tell all my other friends and family that i love them too, just in case something happens. (she told me she'd sit up with me the entire night to make sure i didn't do anything like that - i guess my life can't be that bad if i have friends like that - she was the one i practically beat up earlier in the night!!) so even though i always thought i'd never actually do it, i don't feel so sure anymore. i'm hoping it's just a nasty side effect of the withdrawal, and that those fits of rage will go away soon. til then, it's probably best if i don't drink too much - since that seems to help set me off. i'm definitely going to start going to a therapist again, though i'm hoping i won't have to go back on meds. i like feeling like myself, no matter how nuts "myself" really is. but i know that if it gets to a point where i don't feel like life's worth living again (i've been there many times before) i won't be so stubborn as to not give some other meds a try. it was weird - i had this dream the other night that my boyfriend and i got into another fight - i stormed out of the house and he didn't follow me, and so jumped off a cliff. the feeling of falling is so vivid in my head, but the thoughts that ran through my head and the feeling that ran through my body is what is scariest to me - i wasn't at all scared of dying, all i was thinking was "aaahhh, it's finally over" - strange. ok, well thank you all again - i'll keep you posted on how things go, if my side effects subside, if i ever find a decent doc, etc. take care everyone! :-)


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