![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerryB on July 20, 2000, at 23:46:11
I weny for my second visit to the post traumatic therapist and filled in 200 + questionaires which has now diagnosed me with DID, Disassociate something disorder.
Apparently my score was extremely high so now I have to wait 3 weeks until she comes back from holidays. There is so much junk in my head at the moment, it's all a whirl! Things that I though I had forgotter all came flooding back today so I feel quite depressed!!!
Just wondering if anyone else has been through this type of therapy. It just adds to all the other things I've been diagnosed with, how is one supposed to get on with their life if they don't know how they're supposed to feel and act?
I am very confused and I don't really know who I am at the moment. After the visit, i backslid, maybe I am supposed to be doing that but I wish it wasn't so!!!!
Oh well, what to do now? Nothing. Sit. Depressed.......
Posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 0:23:46
In reply to New diagnosis today-Diassociate disorder-anyone?, posted by kerryB on July 20, 2000, at 23:46:11
KerryB. It's really late here, but I wanted to get in a message. DID is dissociative identity disorder (formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder).You must have these criteria to have that diagnosis:
The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).
At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.
Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).
My assumption is that if this therapist is giving you this diagnosis that she must have spoken to at least one other personality inside you, that sounds and thinks differently than you. And when this personality is "out", you as Kerry are not aware of what he/she is doing?Most people with DID will find themselves places and they don't remember going there, or they find things at home that they don't remember buying, etc., all kinds of evidence of another personality being in control. Is that the case for you?
shellie
Posted by kerryB on July 21, 2000, at 16:55:27
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » kerryB, posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 0:23:46
>
> KerryB. It's really late here, but I wanted to get in a message. DID is dissociative identity disorder (formally known as Multiple Personality Disorder).
>
> You must have these criteria to have that diagnosis:
>
> The presence of two or more distinct identities or personality states (each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to, and thinking about the environment and self).
>
> At least two of these identities or personality states recurrently take control of the person's behavior.
>
> Inability to recall important personal information that is too extensive to be explained by ordinary forgetfulness.
>
> The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., blackouts or chaotic behavior during Alcohol Intoxication) or a general medical condition (e.g., complex partial seizures).
>
>
> My assumption is that if this therapist is giving you this diagnosis that she must have spoken to at least one other personality inside you, that sounds and thinks differently than you. And when this personality is "out", you as Kerry are not aware of what he/she is doing?
>
> Most people with DID will find themselves places and they don't remember going there, or they find things at home that they don't remember buying, etc., all kinds of evidence of another personality being in control. Is that the case for you?
> shellie
Hi Shellie,
Thanks for your reply. The therapist asked me over 100 questions which at times was really tough to understand what she was talking about.
I remember being there but when I got home it was like I hadn't been there at all. It is hard to explain.
I do find things in my possessions that I have no idea where I have got them from and I rack my brains trying to remember if I had purchased them etc. My husband has always remarked on how I can be so different when we have a visitor and when they have gone, I become someone else.
The therapist says that it stems from my childhood where I had alot of abuse and lately I have been having flashbacks of things I never knew happened and it is quite scarey!
I go to work on Sunday, sec/reception and it's like another person is there, I have said to my husband that I can be whoever you want which baffled him and this is going back a long time now. One thing I remember was when I was very young, my mother told me that I was supposed to have been born a boy and they had even named me so as I was growing up, I became a boy (in my mind) and it is still with me. This is very hard to understand. I have had to be different personalities all my life and now it has taken it's toll and I do not know who I really am. That is a statement that is really hard to deal with because I don't understand.
My therapist is going or has gone away now for a month so I am alone with this and I am not sure how I should be.
For some reason she said I definately have DID which I guess is a relief to know so I can try and wrap my head around it and I always remember my mother telling me I had a split personality, among others as I was growing up, they would say I was weird.
So that is a bit of my story. Don't know if it makes much sense and I don't know as yet how they treat such a disorder but if you can put a light on it I would be most grateful!!!!
Thanks again,Kerry
P.S Maybe she did see another side in me but didn't say anything and she said I have some amnesia in there as well as I don't remember things. Does that sound right?
Posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 19:52:19
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » shellie, posted by kerryB on July 21, 2000, at 16:55:27
Kerry,
I guess I'm a little surprised that you had such a good reaction to anti-psychotic meds if you have DID. Mostly people with DID don't respond very well to meds, especially antipsychotics. DID is a dissociative defense created in childhood to get through horrible trauma. You would have created the personalities unconsciously so "they", not you, would experience the trauma and you would stay sane and keep your personality in tact. It would be unusual for others to comment (especially as a child) that you have a "split personality", because the personalities were created as an internal protection system to protect the main personality (the host).I guess I would be cautious about accepting a DID diagnosis, certainly not rule it out, but be certain that you fit all the criteria. You would need to have alters--full personality systems that take over, not just parts of yourself that are different (ego states). People do have DID--I'm not questioning the possibility-- just that sometimes I think a there has been a recent tendency for overdiagnosis. (I know this from personal experience as well as observation). In any case, if you feel you fit the DID criteria, you can do a lot of research on your own on the internet. There are lots of groups, and boards for DID, how to cope, how treatment works, etc. Good luck! Shellie
Posted by shar on July 21, 2000, at 22:33:48
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » kerryB, posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 19:52:19
Kerry/Shellie:
I'm wondering if there isn't something (a syndrome or disorder) similar to but less pronounced than DID? I remember people talking about "splitting" or being "fragmented" --but not in the sense of having a fully formed, other personality. It was more as a cover for the "self" for protection, like a defense mechanism.
This would mean that in certain situations or with certain people, the individual wears a mask that allows the "self" to recede to some extent and the mask carries on.
Also, I've heard that abused kids can be extremely adept at reading people, becoming who and what people want, so to avoid abuse. This carries over to how the kids relate to people other than abusers because that's what they've learned. It's not a conscious kind of thing. It is the safe thing to do, to put the "self" aside.
Kids experience terror when very young and unable to trust and depend on their caretakers. Yet, still living with those caretakers some kids must be able to find a way to defend the "self" on a day-to-day basis. I think the receding self (my term for it) is one way it happens.
Ie, I remember VERY little of my childhood. I have always said we never had dinner together as a family. I have no memory of dinners except when we had company (a few times). I said that to my sister once, and she said we had a lot of dinners, most every night. I was amazed. I asked my mother, and she also said yes, she cooked a family dinner every evening.
I still do not recall regular family dinners. My therapist said *I* (as myself) was not "present" because it was too painful. My sister indicated that the dinners were times when our parents had a captive audience for psychological abuse.
So--I know I was there, but I had some way to avoid the abuse by not being "present" yet still interacting enough (evidently) to not stand out.
I wonder if Kerry has these types of "milder" personality changes, that may not really be DID but have some similarity to DID?
Or, maybe I know nothing! Just my thoughts.
Shar
Posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 23:59:15
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID, posted by shar on July 21, 2000, at 22:33:48
Shar, I really can't speak for Kerry (whether she has DID or not), but you are right on target in terms of there being diagnoses with similarity to MPD, but not MPD--the whole spectrum of dissociative disorders. I don't think though, it has much to do with wearing a conscous mask--I think dissociation is involuntary for the most part. It serves a very important, sometimes lifesaving function for some abused children, but then becomes really hard to unlearn it as a defense mechanism for an adult, even though it has outlived its usefulness.
The following is quoted from Joan Turkus, M.D.--the head of the dissociative disorders unit at a hospital in Washington, D.C:
www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html (It's long, so feel free to not read it, if you're not in the mood).
"The essential feature of dissociative disorders is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. If the disturbance occurs primarily
in memory, Dissociative Amnesia or Fugue (APA, 1994) results; important personal events cannot be recalled. Dissociative Amnesia with acute loss of memory may result from wartime trauma, a severe accident, or rape. Dissociative Fugue is indicated by not only loss of memory, but also travel to a new location and the assumption of a new identity. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), although not officially a dissociative disorder (it is classified as an anxiety disorder), can be thought of as part of the dissociative spectrum. In PTSD, recall/re-experiencing of the trauma (flashbacks) alternates with numbing (detachment or dissociation), and avoidance. Atypical dissociative disorders are classified as Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS). If the disturbance occurs primarily in identity with parts of the self assuming separate identities, the resulting disorder is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.The Dissociative Spectrum
The dissociative spectrum (Braun, 1988) extends from normal dissociation to poly-fragmented DID. All of the disorders are trauma-based, and symptoms result from the habitual dissociation of traumatic memories. For example, a rape victim with Dissociative Amnesia may have no conscious memory of the attack, yet experience depression, numbness, and distress resulting from environmental stimuli such as colors, odors, sounds, and images that recall the traumatic experience. The dissociated memory is alive and active--not forgotten, merely submerged (Tasman & Goldfinger, 1991). Major studies have confirmed the traumatic origin of DID (Putnam, 1989, and Ross, 1989), which arises before the age of 12 (and often before age 5) as a result of severe physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Poly-fragmented DID (involving over 100 personality states) may be the result of sadistic abuse by multiple perpetrators over an extended period of time.Although DID is a common disorder (perhaps as common as one in 100) (Ross, 1989), the combination of PTSD-DDNOS is the most frequent diagnosis in survivors of childhood abuse.
These survivors experience the flashbacks and intrusion of trauma memories, sometimes not until years after the childhood abuse, with dissociative experiences of distancing, "trancing out", feeling unreal, the ability to ignore pain, and feeling as if they were looking at the world through a fog.The symptom profile of adults who were abuse as children includes posttraumatic and dissociative disorders combined with depression, anxiety syndromes, and addictions. These symptoms include (1) recurrent depression; (2) anxiety, panic, and phobias; (3) anger and rage; (4) low self-esteem, and feeling damaged and/or worthless; (5) shame; (6) somatic pain syndromes (7) self-destructive thoughts and/or behavior; (8) substance abuse; (9) eating disorders: bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating; (10) relationship and intimacy difficulties; (11) sexual dysfunction, including addictions and avoidance; (12) time loss, memory gaps, and a sense of unreality; (13) flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and images of trauma;
(14) hypervigilance; (15) sleep disturbances: nightmares, insomnia, and sleepwalking; and (16) alternative states of consciousness or personalities."She draws it out like this:
____/_______________/_____________/____/______/___
normal dis. dis.amnesia/fugue PTSD DDNOS DID
Anyway, I have the same lack of memories that you describe. I also have personalities inside, aged 3 to 10, with different voices than me,(you would never know if you talked to the three year old on the phone that she is not three). So I had been diagnosed with DID. But in more recent years both my therapist and my pdoc have put me into the DDNOS category because I have co-consciousness with the personalities. They don't do things that I'm not aware of, so probably technically they don't actually take over my personality. And they only get to talk at home or in therapy, so I do have that control. But a friend of mine definitely has DID, and one of her alters will call me, and she will not know that they called, or she will find herself somewhere and have no idea how she got there, or how long she had been there. I think I am more different from her, than I am from people without DID. That's why I like the idea of a continuum.Do you feel that your lack of memories affects you now. I guess I'm asking whether you see yourself as still dissociating? I get frustrated because I still often can't feel my body, or feel hazy, and often things still don't feel real to me. And the depression on top of that. I guess I can say that things are a lot more in control for me that they used be, So that's something. Shellie
Posted by kerryB on July 22, 2000, at 1:34:11
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » shar, posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 23:59:15
>
>
> Shar, I really can't speak for Kerry (whether she has DID or not), but you are right on target in terms of there being diagnoses with similarity to MPD, but not MPD--the whole spectrum of dissociative disorders. I don't think though, it has much to do with wearing a conscous mask--I think dissociation is involuntary for the most part. It serves a very important, sometimes lifesaving function for some abused children, but then becomes really hard to unlearn it as a defense mechanism for an adult, even though it has outlived its usefulness.
>
>
> The following is quoted from Joan Turkus, M.D.--the head of the dissociative disorders unit at a hospital in Washington, D.C:
> www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html (It's long, so feel free to not read it, if you're not in the mood).
>
> "The essential feature of dissociative disorders is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. If the disturbance occurs primarily
> in memory, Dissociative Amnesia or Fugue (APA, 1994) results; important personal events cannot be recalled. Dissociative Amnesia with acute loss of memory may result from wartime trauma, a severe accident, or rape. Dissociative Fugue is indicated by not only loss of memory, but also travel to a new location and the assumption of a new identity. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), although not officially a dissociative disorder (it is classified as an anxiety disorder), can be thought of as part of the dissociative spectrum. In PTSD, recall/re-experiencing of the trauma (flashbacks) alternates with numbing (detachment or dissociation), and avoidance. Atypical dissociative disorders are classified as Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS). If the disturbance occurs primarily in identity with parts of the self assuming separate identities, the resulting disorder is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.
>
> The Dissociative Spectrum
> The dissociative spectrum (Braun, 1988) extends from normal dissociation to poly-fragmented DID. All of the disorders are trauma-based, and symptoms result from the habitual dissociation of traumatic memories. For example, a rape victim with Dissociative Amnesia may have no conscious memory of the attack, yet experience depression, numbness, and distress resulting from environmental stimuli such as colors, odors, sounds, and images that recall the traumatic experience. The dissociated memory is alive and active--not forgotten, merely submerged (Tasman & Goldfinger, 1991). Major studies have confirmed the traumatic origin of DID (Putnam, 1989, and Ross, 1989), which arises before the age of 12 (and often before age 5) as a result of severe physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Poly-fragmented DID (involving over 100 personality states) may be the result of sadistic abuse by multiple perpetrators over an extended period of time.
>
> Although DID is a common disorder (perhaps as common as one in 100) (Ross, 1989), the combination of PTSD-DDNOS is the most frequent diagnosis in survivors of childhood abuse.
> These survivors experience the flashbacks and intrusion of trauma memories, sometimes not until years after the childhood abuse, with dissociative experiences of distancing, "trancing out", feeling unreal, the ability to ignore pain, and feeling as if they were looking at the world through a fog.
>
> The symptom profile of adults who were abuse as children includes posttraumatic and dissociative disorders combined with depression, anxiety syndromes, and addictions. These symptoms include (1) recurrent depression; (2) anxiety, panic, and phobias; (3) anger and rage; (4) low self-esteem, and feeling damaged and/or worthless; (5) shame; (6) somatic pain syndromes (7) self-destructive thoughts and/or behavior; (8) substance abuse; (9) eating disorders: bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating; (10) relationship and intimacy difficulties; (11) sexual dysfunction, including addictions and avoidance; (12) time loss, memory gaps, and a sense of unreality; (13) flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and images of trauma;
> (14) hypervigilance; (15) sleep disturbances: nightmares, insomnia, and sleepwalking; and (16) alternative states of consciousness or personalities."
>
> She draws it out like this:
>
> ____/_______________/_____________/____/______/___
> normal dis. dis.amnesia/fugue PTSD DDNOS DID
>
>
> Anyway, I have the same lack of memories that you describe. I also have personalities inside, aged 3 to 10, with different voices than me,(you would never know if you talked to the three year old on the phone that she is not three). So I had been diagnosed with DID. But in more recent years both my therapist and my pdoc have put me into the DDNOS category because I have co-consciousness with the personalities. They don't do things that I'm not aware of, so probably technically they don't actually take over my personality. And they only get to talk at home or in therapy, so I do have that control. But a friend of mine definitely has DID, and one of her alters will call me, and she will not know that they called, or she will find herself somewhere and have no idea how she got there, or how long she had been there. I think I am more different from her, than I am from people without DID. That's why I like the idea of a continuum.
>
> Do you feel that your lack of memories affects you now. I guess I'm asking whether you see yourself as still dissociating? I get frustrated because I still often can't feel my body, or feel hazy, and often things still don't feel real to me. And the depression on top of that. I guess I can say that things are a lot more in control for me that they used be, So that's something. Shellie
Hi Shellie,
Your post was very interesting and very imformative. I actually went into the site you had written from but with my mind at the moment, couldn't take much in except for the factI do relate to nearly all of those symptoms desribed. The sleepwalking has lessened I think due to the medication I am on. Apparently, the therapists out here prescribe Zyprexa for post traumatic sufferers before therapy begins as it somehow prepares them for it.
I feel I have what you have DDNOS with the PTSD in there as I am conscious of the different personalities and they appear when the need arises but funnily enough, the one that can't cope and loves peace and quiet is always present at home and I know it is there because I try my hardest to escape it but can't. But then if a visitor arrives, the carefree, fun loving one appears and it lasts until they have gone. People have told me that they have never known me to be ill in anyway (friends say this) and that's because the nice, caring one is present.
I don't know if I am making sense here as I am trying to understand all this myself.
I do feel unreal lots of the time, like I'm in there but looking out and I feel fogged up and I feel as though I am drifting like I am floating on a cloud.
When I have tasks to do I can honestly say, I do not know how I get them done. It's like someone else takes over and when the task is finally finished I think WOW how did I do that or did I do that?
I told my mother about my diagnosis and she denied the stuff that I can remember but on the other hand, my sister knows it was true what I had been through,. I related to her some of the newer flashbacks and she was surprised that I had never told anyone about certain things that happened.
I would like to understand, why these flashbacks are coming now when I had never ever thought about them until now.Is it my time to deal with them so I can get on with my life and find my true self, my real identity.
I must admit, I have several personalities that I am aware of but there are only two or three that I enjoy, does that sound strange.
I don't know, maybe I am talking in circles, I am at a loss at the moment, I feel like I am back in kindergarten trying to understand but can't.
Thanks Shellie and Shar for your input, it is greatly appreciated. First I am diagnosed as schizoaffective and now they say that was not the case, I was wrongly diagnosed as the psychs out here do not deal much with DID and related stuff. I actually had to fill out a questionaire that is going to be submitted to the USA with others so as our docs out here can become educated about the disorder. I was told that the USA is right on top of this which is good to know.
Anyway, hope I made some sense in there and thanks for sharing with me, it means alot to me.Kerry
Posted by Craig on July 22, 2000, at 2:34:17
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » shellie, posted by kerryB on July 21, 2000, at 16:55:27
I don't understand why a therapist would drop a bombshell like this on you and then tell you they are going away for a month. Is she a therapist you've seen before or was she just someone who administered your psych testing? I think it was wrong of her to leave you hanging, full of questions, and needing support. I was in the hospital when I was diagnosed with MPD/DID.
There's so much to say and yet so much that I don't want to talk about. Just know that you're not alone with this. I'm worried about you having to deal with this news on your own. Keep writing, OK? I'll be thinking of you.
**************************************************
My therapist is going or has gone away now for a month so I am alone with this and I
am not sure how I should be.
Posted by shar on July 22, 2000, at 3:42:05
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » shar, posted by shellie on July 21, 2000, at 23:59:15
Shellie:
I must have been unclear. I think all of the masks we wear, and all of our defense mechanisms (those that help us survive) are unconscious. Same goes for kids that need to be chameleons with adults, it is not a conscious decision. If one allows the self to recede in order to save the "self" I don't think it is a conscious act; it is survival.And you are right. The survival techniques that served us so well as young people don't make for very good adult relationships, because "we" are not present. I've spent lots of 50-minute hours on this one!
It is true that we can consciously "put on a mask" but I think of that more as role-playing. If I have a party, I might psych myself up by playing the role of the gracious hostess; definitely a conscious decision.
Otherwise, I believe we do these things quite unconsciously and have to realize it, and then find ways to be present, which can feel awfully vulnerable and scary. I still can instantaneously regress into long past patterns if I feel threatened. Don't know if that will ever change. It's like an imprint.
The difference now is that I am aware of it happening, I understand what is happening, and I feel like I don't have to "ride the wave" -- like I can turn it around by being more present. Or not, it depends on what I want to do.
I don't experience a lot of symptoms today, but there are definitely things that can set them off.
The fact that I have very few childhood memories is not really a source of concern for me. It's probably easier to learn what my childhood was like at this age, when I am strong. If I do experience some dissociation, it isn't as scary and I deal with it much more matter-of-factly.
Hope that is more clear. I appreciate your comments. I guess one thing in the article that got my attention was that all dissociative disorders are linked to trauma. I don't know if what I experienced was one trauma, or a lot of little abuses. Maybe those were traumas.
Your situation with two personalities over which you maintain control, must be very complex to deal with. Do you think each one still exists because of what they "hold" for you? Ie, the pain they took so you didn't have to?
Shar
>
> Shar, I really can't speak for Kerry (whether she has DID or not), but you are right on target in terms of there being diagnoses with similarity to MPD, but not MPD--the whole spectrum of dissociative disorders. I don't think though, it has much to do with wearing a conscous mask--I think dissociation is involuntary for the most part. It serves a very important, sometimes lifesaving function for some abused children, but then becomes really hard to unlearn it as a defense mechanism for an adult, even though it has outlived its usefulness.
>
>
> The following is quoted from Joan Turkus, M.D.--the head of the dissociative disorders unit at a hospital in Washington, D.C:
> www.voiceofwomen.com/centerarticle.html (It's long, so feel free to not read it, if you're not in the mood).
>
> "The essential feature of dissociative disorders is a disturbance or alteration in the normally integrative functions of identity, memory, or consciousness. If the disturbance occurs primarily
> in memory, Dissociative Amnesia or Fugue (APA, 1994) results; important personal events cannot be recalled. Dissociative Amnesia with acute loss of memory may result from wartime trauma, a severe accident, or rape. Dissociative Fugue is indicated by not only loss of memory, but also travel to a new location and the assumption of a new identity. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), although not officially a dissociative disorder (it is classified as an anxiety disorder), can be thought of as part of the dissociative spectrum. In PTSD, recall/re-experiencing of the trauma (flashbacks) alternates with numbing (detachment or dissociation), and avoidance. Atypical dissociative disorders are classified as Dissociative Disorders Not Otherwise Specified (DDNOS). If the disturbance occurs primarily in identity with parts of the self assuming separate identities, the resulting disorder is Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), formerly called Multiple Personality Disorder.
>
> The Dissociative Spectrum
> The dissociative spectrum (Braun, 1988) extends from normal dissociation to poly-fragmented DID. All of the disorders are trauma-based, and symptoms result from the habitual dissociation of traumatic memories. For example, a rape victim with Dissociative Amnesia may have no conscious memory of the attack, yet experience depression, numbness, and distress resulting from environmental stimuli such as colors, odors, sounds, and images that recall the traumatic experience. The dissociated memory is alive and active--not forgotten, merely submerged (Tasman & Goldfinger, 1991). Major studies have confirmed the traumatic origin of DID (Putnam, 1989, and Ross, 1989), which arises before the age of 12 (and often before age 5) as a result of severe physical, sexual, and/or emotional abuse. Poly-fragmented DID (involving over 100 personality states) may be the result of sadistic abuse by multiple perpetrators over an extended period of time.
>
> Although DID is a common disorder (perhaps as common as one in 100) (Ross, 1989), the combination of PTSD-DDNOS is the most frequent diagnosis in survivors of childhood abuse.
> These survivors experience the flashbacks and intrusion of trauma memories, sometimes not until years after the childhood abuse, with dissociative experiences of distancing, "trancing out", feeling unreal, the ability to ignore pain, and feeling as if they were looking at the world through a fog.
>
> The symptom profile of adults who were abuse as children includes posttraumatic and dissociative disorders combined with depression, anxiety syndromes, and addictions. These symptoms include (1) recurrent depression; (2) anxiety, panic, and phobias; (3) anger and rage; (4) low self-esteem, and feeling damaged and/or worthless; (5) shame; (6) somatic pain syndromes (7) self-destructive thoughts and/or behavior; (8) substance abuse; (9) eating disorders: bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive overeating; (10) relationship and intimacy difficulties; (11) sexual dysfunction, including addictions and avoidance; (12) time loss, memory gaps, and a sense of unreality; (13) flashbacks, intrusive thoughts and images of trauma;
> (14) hypervigilance; (15) sleep disturbances: nightmares, insomnia, and sleepwalking; and (16) alternative states of consciousness or personalities."
>
> She draws it out like this:
>
> ____/_______________/_____________/____/______/___
> normal dis. dis.amnesia/fugue PTSD DDNOS DID
>
>
> Anyway, I have the same lack of memories that you describe. I also have personalities inside, aged 3 to 10, with different voices than me,(you would never know if you talked to the three year old on the phone that she is not three). So I had been diagnosed with DID. But in more recent years both my therapist and my pdoc have put me into the DDNOS category because I have co-consciousness with the personalities. They don't do things that I'm not aware of, so probably technically they don't actually take over my personality. And they only get to talk at home or in therapy, so I do have that control. But a friend of mine definitely has DID, and one of her alters will call me, and she will not know that they called, or she will find herself somewhere and have no idea how she got there, or how long she had been there. I think I am more different from her, than I am from people without DID. That's why I like the idea of a continuum.
>
> Do you feel that your lack of memories affects you now. I guess I'm asking whether you see yourself as still dissociating? I get frustrated because I still often can't feel my body, or feel hazy, and often things still don't feel real to me. And the depression on top of that. I guess I can say that things are a lot more in control for me that they used be, So that's something. Shellie
Posted by kerryB on July 22, 2000, at 4:27:57
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » kerryB, posted by Craig on July 22, 2000, at 2:34:17
> I don't understand why a therapist would drop a bombshell like this on you and then tell you they are going away for a month. Is she a therapist you've seen before or was she just someone who administered your psych testing? I think it was wrong of her to leave you hanging, full of questions, and needing support. I was in the hospital when I was diagnosed with MPD/DID.
>
> There's so much to say and yet so much that I don't want to talk about. Just know that you're not alone with this. I'm worried about you having to deal with this news on your own. Keep writing, OK? I'll be thinking of you.
> **************************************************
> My therapist is going or has gone away now for a month so I am alone with this and I
> am not sure how I should be.
Hi Craig,
Yes, I had two appointments with her and it was on the last one she told me she was going away.
I can't describe how I felt, disappointed, afraid and mostly lonely, yet again. This seems to be the story of my life!
She did all the analysis on me, diagnosed me and when she comes back she wants me to go straight into group therapy which I find a little frighening as I would like to have one on one therapy to understand what I am going through and then consider groups. I'm not much of a "group" person anyway, I prefer to open up to one person as I feel it is more confidential that way.
I am feeling pretty confused once again and it doesn't feel nice at all, but, I am a survivor just like all of us and I shall just have to manage the best I can with this.
I went into a really good website, actually, Shellie mentioned it as well but if I could grasp what they were saying, it would help a lot!
I'll try to read it again later when & if I feel clearer.
Thanks for your concern Craig, it helps alot...........Kerry
Posted by shellie on July 22, 2000, at 9:22:32
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » kerryB, posted by Craig on July 22, 2000, at 2:34:17
> I was in the hospital when I was diagnosed with MPD/DID.
>So, Craig, I won't ask for any specifics since you don't like talking about it. But in spite of the Braun/hospital horrible, and possiblely unethical experience, do you feel they gave you the right diagnosis and you left the hospital with a good treatment plan? shellie
Posted by Craig on July 23, 2000, at 3:03:11
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » Craig, posted by shellie on July 22, 2000, at 9:22:32
Hi Shellie. Although I was Dr. Braun's patient in Chicago on the Dissociative Disorders unit in 1988, he wasn't the first doctor to diagnose me with MPD. I was first diagnosed in 1981 during a different hospital admission in Michigan. Yeah, they were right. They showed me the videos they made of me and it was undeniable. (And I was upset when I found out that they made them using a two-way mirror so a bunch of doctors could see this firsthand. Later on, they had me go to Grand Rounds where even more doctors ask you questions and study you.) My own psychiatrist spent years hoping to "cure" me and had me undergo consultations with other psychiatrists to verify this diagnosis and make treatment plans. These psychiatrists felt that the goal was to work toward integration. I guess I wasn't a very cooperative patient. They told me that I needed to be a whole person. I told them that all I wanted to be was a good person and asked, "Can't I be a good person without being a whole person?" Well, they weren't so sure about that. In the end, it basically boiled down to the fact that I wasn't so sure that I wanted to be "integrated." I quit therapy in 1988 and have never looked back. When Dr. Braun told me that I'd come back to his unit, he made all sorts of dire predictions about what I'd become if I didn't follow his plans. Suffice to say that he was wrong and I'm living proof of it. Of course I still dissociate.......
******************************************> > I was in the hospital when I was diagnosed with MPD/DID.
> >
>
> So, Craig, I won't ask for any specifics since you don't like talking about it. But in spite of the Braun/hospital horrible, and possiblely unethical experience, do you feel they gave you the right diagnosis and you left the hospital with a good treatment plan? shellie
Posted by kerryB on July 25, 2000, at 3:42:25
In reply to New diagnosis today-Diassociate disorder-anyone?, posted by kerryB on July 20, 2000, at 23:46:11
> I weny for my second visit to the post traumatic therapist and filled in 200 + questionaires which has now diagnosed me with DID, Disassociate something disorder.
> Apparently my score was extremely high so now I have to wait 3 weeks until she comes back from holidays. There is so much junk in my head at the moment, it's all a whirl! Things that I though I had forgotter all came flooding back today so I feel quite depressed!!!
> Just wondering if anyone else has been through this type of therapy. It just adds to all the other things I've been diagnosed with, how is one supposed to get on with their life if they don't know how they're supposed to feel and act?
> I am very confused and I don't really know who I am at the moment. After the visit, i backslid, maybe I am supposed to be doing that but I wish it wasn't so!!!!
> Oh well, what to do now? Nothing. Sit. Depressed.......
Went to see the psych today and after a few questions, he upped my zyprexa to 15mg and put me on cogentin as well to combat the irritability so now I am on a real cocktail, zyprexa, lithium, cogentin and diazepam.
Hubby was there being my spokesperson as he can explain better than I can, he mainly spoke about the hyperactivity and the lack of sleep I am having but still keep on going.
I was disorientated and didn't even know why I was at the psychs office, it was really strange.
I have been so confused as of late, more than before and I belieive I have done something but I haven't and the list goes on.I could have sworn I went out in the morning but my hub assures me that I didn't but i could really feel that I had. I don't know, sorry for boring you all with this stuff but I find it good to express what is in my mind.
I am alone tonight and am at a loss, looking for things to do, I have to do something. Just finished painting and now.......I don't know.
O.k I will close for now sorry guys!!!!!!Kerry
Posted by FlakE2 on July 25, 2000, at 10:53:43
In reply to Re: New diagnosis/ meds been increased, posted by kerryB on July 25, 2000, at 3:42:25
KerryB,
I hope for the sake of your marriage you can at least occasionally treat your husband like a visitor.
Curiously, some Mystics(certain Sufis) say that everyone has MPD of a sort. The illusion is that we are the same because there is some continuity of memory. When a person wants something today, and exactly the opposite tomorrow, its not exactly a sign of integration. Also, according to the Sufis our lack of recall is a result of the fragmentation of our personalities. If we were really integrated total recall would come easily. We forget our dreams because our dream consciousness is entirely different from our waking state. An alcoholic's sober personality may despise drinking, but but once he drinks, another part takes over that can't imagine and can hardly remember being sober.
One exercise they recommend is to rigorously organise all thoughts, goals, etc in terms of importance. Also, if one has an all encompassing aim, that everything must agree with or be dropped, the personality will become integrated. This way what one wants today will be the same as what one wants tomorrow. Maybe this is what Jesus was referring to in His mysterious statement "If thine eye be single, thy whole body will be filled with light". Perhaps doing this would help answer the question, who am I really? MPD is a problem when no integration exists so that almost no memory is passed from one to another. Then the personalities work at cross purposes the inconsistencies can't be explained by "I just forgot". Hmmm... Maybe I need to work on these exercises again! :-)
It is so much fun to get on a soap box, hope it isn't too annoying.
Posted by shar on July 25, 2000, at 15:14:18
In reply to Re:Coping Strategies and Comments, posted by FlakE2 on July 25, 2000, at 10:53:43
On an anecdotal level, my sober personality always wanted a drink. I remember it even now quite clearly. I guess the alcoholic in me was pretty integrated. {8-)
Shar
Posted by jane on July 26, 2000, at 18:04:25
In reply to Re: New diagnosis today-re DID » Craig, posted by kerryB on July 22, 2000, at 4:27:57
> > My therapist is going or has gone away now for a month so I am alone with this and I
> > am not sure how I should be.
>
>
> Hi Craig,
> Yes, I had two appointments with her and it was on the last one she told me she was going away.
> I can't describe how I felt, disappointed, afraid and mostly lonely, yet again. This seems to be the story of my life!
> She did all the analysis on me, diagnosed me and when she comes back she wants me to go straight into group therapy which I find a little frighening as I would like to have one on one therapy to understand what I am going through and then consider groups. I'm not much of a "group" person anyway, I prefer to open up to one person as I feel it is more confidential that way.
> I am feeling pretty confused once again and it doesn't feel nice at all, but, I am a survivor just like all of us and I shall just have to manage the best I can with this.
> I went into a really good website, actually, Shellie mentioned it as well but if I could grasp what they were saying, it would help a lot!
> I'll try to read it again later when & if I feel clearer.
> Thanks for your concern Craig, it helps alot...........
>
> Kerry
Kerry - I've been following your posting and just want to say that with a diagnosis of DID, my "parts" had to feel very safe in therapy to speak and be present. I could not have done that in group therapy, but that is just me. A question I would have would be: how would the group learn to relate to the different parts of you? What training does your therapist have : LCSW, PhD, MD?
I also want to tell you that I learned to have some control over the parts and when they would appear, but they seemed to be most intense in a therapy session. I think that's because it was the safest place to "appear". The good news is that in therapy the parts got a voice and learned to be heard.
I also remember very little of my childhood but don't think there was one major trauma, just alot of fear and abuse.
my thoughts are with you - jane
Posted by jane on July 26, 2000, at 18:14:29
In reply to Re: New diagnosis/ meds been increased, posted by kerryB on July 25, 2000, at 3:42:25
> > I weny for my second visit to the post traumatic therapist and filled in 200 + questionaires which has now diagnosed me with DID, Disassociate something disorder.
> > Apparently my score was extremely high so now I have to wait 3 weeks until she comes back from holidays. There is so much junk in my head at the moment, it's all a whirl! Things that I though I had forgotter all came flooding back today so I feel quite depressed!!!
> > Just wondering if anyone else has been through this type of therapy. It just adds to all the other things I've been diagnosed with, how is one supposed to get on with their life if they don't know how they're supposed to feel and act?
> > I am very confused and I don't really know who I am at the moment. After the visit, i backslid, maybe I am supposed to be doing that but I wish it wasn't so!!!!
> > Oh well, what to do now? Nothing. Sit. Depressed.......
>
>
> Went to see the psych today and after a few questions, he upped my zyprexa to 15mg and put me on cogentin as well to combat the irritability so now I am on a real cocktail, zyprexa, lithium, cogentin and diazepam.
> Hubby was there being my spokesperson as he can explain better than I can, he mainly spoke about the hyperactivity and the lack of sleep I am having but still keep on going.
> I was disorientated and didn't even know why I was at the psychs office, it was really strange.
> I have been so confused as of late, more than before and I belieive I have done something but I haven't and the list goes on.I could have sworn I went out in the morning but my hub assures me that I didn't but i could really feel that I had. I don't know, sorry for boring you all with this stuff but I find it good to express what is in my mind.
> I am alone tonight and am at a loss, looking for things to do, I have to do something. Just finished painting and now.......I don't know.
> O.k I will close for now sorry guys!!!!!!
>
> KerryKerry - just a postscript to your posting
I personally think that all my meds (that help my depression,RLS, etc) also affect my memory and the amount and quality of sleep. So all that is happening that you can't remember may not all be part of DID - just my opinion - jane
Posted by judy1 on July 28, 2000, at 15:49:26
In reply to New diagnosis today-Diassociate disorder-anyone?, posted by kerryB on July 20, 2000, at 23:46:11
Hi Kerry,
My last shrink and psychologist tried that label on me since I had a lot of the classical symptoms- dissociation, childhood trauma, self-injury, etc. But since I'm already dxed with bipolar and panic disorder, a lot of psychs would feel that my rapid mood swings could be misconstrued as "alters", I certainly am dramatically different depressed or manic. Personally I think it's kind of a trendy dx. and since I do respond to antipsychotics, I just told them thanks but no thanks I already have enough disorders. But that doesn't help you. I guess sometimes docs get a little too wrapped up in labels, and the key is to have the best psych giving the best therapy or meds or both for your situation. Best of luck- Judy
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