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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Brenda on April 13, 2000, at 18:34:12
Noa - I don't post very often, but I've been around for a while. I always look for your name. Haven't seen you lately. Maybe the library is really crowded now with all the kids out of school.
Hope all is well. B.
Posted by ChrisK on April 14, 2000, at 6:43:18
In reply to Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by Brenda on April 13, 2000, at 18:34:12
Noa hasn't been doing real well lately. She has posted a couple of short notes over the last 2 weeks. She has taken a step back from Babbleland but there are plenty of people here who have still been concerned about her health. Noa is a vital member of this community and I'm sure that she will come back to us when it is her time.
> Noa - I don't post very often, but I've been around for a while. I always look for your name. Haven't seen you lately. Maybe the library is really crowded now with all the kids out of school.
> Hope all is well. B.
Posted by Cam W. on April 14, 2000, at 7:20:38
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by ChrisK on April 14, 2000, at 6:43:18
Thanks, Chris. If you talk to Noa, tell her we are thinking about her - Cam W.
Posted by AprilA. on April 14, 2000, at 9:53:19
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by ChrisK on April 14, 2000, at 6:43:18
> Noa hasn't been doing real well lately. She has posted a couple of short notes over the last 2 weeks. She has taken a step back from Babbleland but there are plenty of people here who have still been concerned about her health. Noa is a vital member of this community and I'm sure that she will come back to us when it is her time.
>
>
>
> > Noa - I don't post very often, but I've been around for a while. I always look for your name. Haven't seen you lately. Maybe the library is really crowded now with all the kids out of school.
> > Hope all is well. B.Hi Noa- I missed you too. Take care of yourself. A.
Posted by Noa on April 14, 2000, at 14:23:36
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by AprilA. on April 14, 2000, at 9:53:19
Hi, I'm here today. It is true, I have been scarce of late. I think that when using the library internet, I am more limited in time, so I read more and write less. Same thing at work.
Two weeks ago, my mood plunged. Then, about a week and a half ago, I started to feel a bit better, and actually got myself together enough to start catching up on stuff at work. That lasted a week. Then, Wednesday morning, I had a hard time getting out to work, and I had a somewhat less productive day. Toward the end of the day, I had a meeting with my supervisor (I had requested we start meeting weekly), and the meeting just devastated me. She came to the meeting with an agenda all typed out, asking me if I had followed up on all this stuff I was behind on, and all we spent time talking about was the stuff I hadn't done, while we made no notice of the stuff I had. I know it seems needy and immature to need some positive reinforcement. But, I have been doing a lousy job here for months, and I finally pulled my self together enough to start catching up on stuff, and did manage to catch up on a lot of stuff, so I was trying to give myself encouragement. And in this meeting, I felt stupid, because each time we came to something I failed to do, she kind of lectured me about the need to get those things done, and how to do them. Of course, I know why those things are important. I know how to do this job, it is just that I haven't been able to do it. But I felt so full of shame having her instruct me that way. Then I started to get defensive about some things, which made things worse. I wish I hadn't gotten defensive, because my negligence is not defensible other than using my depression as a defense.
After the meeting I came back to my office, put the phone on "do not disturb", locked the door, turned off the lights and cried. I went home and went to bed at 7:30 pm. I have been in a funk ever since.
Yesterday, I had a hissy-fit at the beginning of the day. I work in a school, and we were going on a field trip. I was chaperoning, and felt that I hadn't received enough information about the activities the kids were supposed to do on the trip. We were getting ready to go, and we (about 150 people) were all in one room, and it was noisy and a bit chaotic. I don't do well in such environments anyway, but especially when depressed. I realized I hadn't planned for lunch--we were supposed to bring it with us. I was being handed all kinds of papers and couldn't process what was what. I had arrived that morning after crying the whole way to work. In other words, I was in a really really bad mood. I started to cry while talking to one of the staff, and rushed out and hid in the nurse's office and cried for about 15 minutes. Luckily, the buses were late.
Now I have this attitude toward my boss which I know is juvenile. She isn't a bad person. She does have a controlling style, but usually it doesn't bother me, as I have been able to keep it in perspective--it is just how she is, cuz I think she is a super anxious person. But during the trip, there were a couple of things she said that made me almost snap some kind of nasty retorts at her. Instead, I grumbled privately to myself about her controllingness.
She does try to micromanage. I can't say I blame her in my case, as I have really dropped many balls in recent months. It still feels lousy, tho. And especially since it is so incredibly frustrating to be this way, unable to work up to my usual level. I have been feeling like I need to leave this job soon, but I cannot see what else I can do right now. I am not in my best form, professionally. In the past, no matter how lousy my private life got, I managed to do fairly well at work. This year has been very different that way.
As for meds--I am off the lithium, and yes, despite that one week of better mood, I have to admit that perhaps the lithium did do something for my depression. So, I guess it might make sense to try another mood stabilizer. I am going to go ahead with seeing the other doctor that sounded good on the phone--the one that is not on my insurance plan--just for a consult. Cuz I am confused about the next step.
Add mood stabilizer to current cocktail?
Go off everything and start over with an MAOI or something else?
Add Buspar to current cocktail?
I will be seeing an endocrinologist to figure out the thyroid part of all of this. And, I plan to see a urologist, because I think the effexor may be the culprit in my bladder problems, but I don't know.
I wish I could afford to take a sabbatical and just get myself healthy again. I have been trying to think of ways to do this, but I have so many debts. If I didn't have these, perhaps I could lower my expenses enough to make do on a part time job, but I can't.
Posted by dove on April 15, 2000, at 9:24:54
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by Noa on April 14, 2000, at 14:23:36
Noa,
I am so sorry for what you're going through. My heart and prayers are with you all the way. I know exactly what you're talking about in regards to feeling overwhelmed and kinda "lost" when you were in the room with 150 voices and faces and a stack of papers, all of it just a chaotic blur. I totally relate to the failure deal, all my life I've spent trying to defend my self for the little steps I *did* take, and trying to swivel the focus off all the things I *missed*. Sometimes there is no defense and we're forced to see ourselves through the harsh and uncaring eyes of strangers; and even family and friends will, on occasion see us through cold numb glasses.
We have to work for ourselves, we have to believe in ourselves because there may not be too many others who do. I believe in you Noa! You are one of the most interesting people I have ever known. You have given so much and your heart has been burdened with concern for the injured and the hopeless, and you've carried that weight bravely. My hope is that the kindness you show others you will be able to show yourself.
Lithium, didn't empower you, but did help. ADs, still facing the same line-up. You need a p-doc that will forge through that big brick wall and give you some hope. You need energy, without agitation; you need stability, without lethargy. This new p-doc consult better give you some realistic options, you deserve some brain-storming Noa!
Have you read any of JohnL's posts? Adrafinil seems to meet many of his needs that are similar to yours. His cocktail: Adrafinil 600mg, Amisulpride 100mg, Remeron 7.5mg, St Johnswort 900mg. Let's say you decide to go the mood-stabilizer route, which ones do you have in mind? You've gotten some feedback in stabilizer meds, not as much as one would like in order to make a well-informed decision, but feedback none-the-less.
Did your regular p-doc give you any clues, hints, advice for new approaches? Try the newer ones first? What about Wellbutrin? I don't know if I believe in Wellbutrin's powers as an AD, I haven't had very positive responses to it; and didn't feel like it was doing anything other than whispering empty promises. Serzone has been tried and found wanting, do you need an anti-anxiety med or just depression fighting ones?
There is an answer and you will find it, do not despair Noa. Please take care of yourself, you are so precious; despite whatever *work* that has gone unfinished, these things go unfinished and unattended to for eternity. (((Noa))) You are irreplaceable and priceless. Do not lose faith.
My thoughts are with you and my prayers are for you!
dove
Posted by Noa on April 15, 2000, at 13:06:23
In reply to (((Noa))), posted by dove on April 15, 2000, at 9:24:54
Thank you, Dove.
Posted by Janice on April 15, 2000, at 15:35:52
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by Noa on April 14, 2000, at 14:23:36
Noa,
Sorry to hear you're having such a difficult time Noa. We're hear to listen to you.Don't get too many high hopes on Buspar. I have only heard of it working mildly to moderately at most, and like a sugar pill at worst.
Keep us in touch, Janice
Posted by Renee N on April 16, 2000, at 12:54:49
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by Noa on April 14, 2000, at 14:23:36
Noa,
This is my third attempt at a response to you! If this one fails...forget therapy, forget meds, I want a brain transplant!!!!!
Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I can relate to some of your problems and am sorry you're feeling so low.
I used to have a social work supervisor who may as well have come with me on every interview and written the reports, because she sure didn't let me have a thought or write a word without her approval! Is there anyone else at work who you trust enough to help "coach" you so you have a better chance of keeping up before the boss gets on your case? Maybe they could help you to prioritize your to do list, and praise you as you accomplish each task. If not try to be your own coach!
I also work in schools and am easily distracted by the commotion and paperwork. Maybe if you go on a lot of field trips, it would be worth it to have some kind of file set up ahead of time to help organize the papers they shove at you all at once. Or you could try to get some of them ahead of time, so you can get organized before the commotion starts.
I understand how criticism and even suggestions for ways to cope can make your depression even worse, when you don't feel able to put any of it into action or feel judged. So I hope I'm not just making you feel worse.
I hope you find the right combo of meds and perhaps talk therapy to get you headed back in the direction of positive thoughts and actions.
We are all pulling for you, as you are for us. I'm so glad you feel safe enough here to disclose your most private thoughts. There's always someone who can relate, or at least offer a sympathetic ear. Hang in there. Things WILL get better! Renee N
This is the end of the thread.
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