Posted by Noa on April 14, 2000, at 14:23:36
In reply to Re: Noa - haven't seen you post lately, posted by AprilA. on April 14, 2000, at 9:53:19
Hi, I'm here today. It is true, I have been scarce of late. I think that when using the library internet, I am more limited in time, so I read more and write less. Same thing at work.
Two weeks ago, my mood plunged. Then, about a week and a half ago, I started to feel a bit better, and actually got myself together enough to start catching up on stuff at work. That lasted a week. Then, Wednesday morning, I had a hard time getting out to work, and I had a somewhat less productive day. Toward the end of the day, I had a meeting with my supervisor (I had requested we start meeting weekly), and the meeting just devastated me. She came to the meeting with an agenda all typed out, asking me if I had followed up on all this stuff I was behind on, and all we spent time talking about was the stuff I hadn't done, while we made no notice of the stuff I had. I know it seems needy and immature to need some positive reinforcement. But, I have been doing a lousy job here for months, and I finally pulled my self together enough to start catching up on stuff, and did manage to catch up on a lot of stuff, so I was trying to give myself encouragement. And in this meeting, I felt stupid, because each time we came to something I failed to do, she kind of lectured me about the need to get those things done, and how to do them. Of course, I know why those things are important. I know how to do this job, it is just that I haven't been able to do it. But I felt so full of shame having her instruct me that way. Then I started to get defensive about some things, which made things worse. I wish I hadn't gotten defensive, because my negligence is not defensible other than using my depression as a defense.
After the meeting I came back to my office, put the phone on "do not disturb", locked the door, turned off the lights and cried. I went home and went to bed at 7:30 pm. I have been in a funk ever since.
Yesterday, I had a hissy-fit at the beginning of the day. I work in a school, and we were going on a field trip. I was chaperoning, and felt that I hadn't received enough information about the activities the kids were supposed to do on the trip. We were getting ready to go, and we (about 150 people) were all in one room, and it was noisy and a bit chaotic. I don't do well in such environments anyway, but especially when depressed. I realized I hadn't planned for lunch--we were supposed to bring it with us. I was being handed all kinds of papers and couldn't process what was what. I had arrived that morning after crying the whole way to work. In other words, I was in a really really bad mood. I started to cry while talking to one of the staff, and rushed out and hid in the nurse's office and cried for about 15 minutes. Luckily, the buses were late.
Now I have this attitude toward my boss which I know is juvenile. She isn't a bad person. She does have a controlling style, but usually it doesn't bother me, as I have been able to keep it in perspective--it is just how she is, cuz I think she is a super anxious person. But during the trip, there were a couple of things she said that made me almost snap some kind of nasty retorts at her. Instead, I grumbled privately to myself about her controllingness.
She does try to micromanage. I can't say I blame her in my case, as I have really dropped many balls in recent months. It still feels lousy, tho. And especially since it is so incredibly frustrating to be this way, unable to work up to my usual level. I have been feeling like I need to leave this job soon, but I cannot see what else I can do right now. I am not in my best form, professionally. In the past, no matter how lousy my private life got, I managed to do fairly well at work. This year has been very different that way.
As for meds--I am off the lithium, and yes, despite that one week of better mood, I have to admit that perhaps the lithium did do something for my depression. So, I guess it might make sense to try another mood stabilizer. I am going to go ahead with seeing the other doctor that sounded good on the phone--the one that is not on my insurance plan--just for a consult. Cuz I am confused about the next step.
Add mood stabilizer to current cocktail?
Go off everything and start over with an MAOI or something else?
Add Buspar to current cocktail?
I will be seeing an endocrinologist to figure out the thyroid part of all of this. And, I plan to see a urologist, because I think the effexor may be the culprit in my bladder problems, but I don't know.
I wish I could afford to take a sabbatical and just get myself healthy again. I have been trying to think of ways to do this, but I have so many debts. If I didn't have these, perhaps I could lower my expenses enough to make do on a part time job, but I can't.
poster:Noa
thread:29892
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000411/msgs/30004.html