![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 375 to 399 of 495. Go back in thread:
Posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 9, 2014, at 17:55:13
feeling pretty crap after seeing mother, still.
i have felt so very bad for so very much of my life... that i really feel that i hate her. and i feel just awful about that. i mean... what kind of horrible horrible ungrateful person hates their own mother?
of course people who might be inclined to say that... haven't met mine. didn't have my mother for all those years...
so what is it that is so very awfully bad that my mother did to me? did she beat me so i needed to go to the ER? did she physically hurt me in ways that didn't show after masses of research?
no.
so what did she do that was so very very very very bad that justifies someone hating their mother?
i just... always have. ever since i could remember. all i ever wanted from her was for her to back off and calm down. back off. stop upsetting me. stop startling me. stop trying to wind me up. just piss off.
i hardly ever asked her for anything. anything i did ask of her i had to ask over and over and over and over and over. she would completely ignore me. i know that she heard it... she could repeat back to me what i just said... but she would simply ignore it.
shame... embarrassment... humiliation...
i guess those were the intense emotions that she could get out of me. except for all the screaming inside that i did curled up in my little ball.
if i had have never had her for my mother i think i would feel a lot more empathy for her. for her inabilities to relate to people.
it does me no good at all to try and interact with her now... i just can't deal.
i'm best to look forward to being the best person i can be. but yeah, i'm seriously deficient in so many ways... whatever. does no good to reflect on it... look forward... look up...
i am glad i made the decision never to inflict myself on another human being, so.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 11, 2014, at 17:37:58
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 11, 2014, at 15:19:48
I am pretty ineffective right now,having spent 5 days with my mother. She watched me cry hysterically. Just watched it.
Yes, hate is possible without physical child abuse having been experienced.
Posted by Twinleaf on December 11, 2014, at 18:22:12
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by ClearSkies on December 11, 2014, at 17:37:58
Both of these mothers sound severely narcissistic. They will never change. But YOU are both growing and changing - maybe consider "no contact" as is recommended in dealing with NPD?
Posted by ClearSkies on December 12, 2014, at 13:38:30
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar » ClearSkies, posted by Twinleaf on December 11, 2014, at 18:22:12
Yes, I see her very seldom. She wanted one last trip to Florida (she is 80).
I live in Spokane.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 15:48:53
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar » Twinleaf, posted by ClearSkies on December 12, 2014, at 13:38:30
thanks, guys.
i'm feeling pretty dejected about my prospects for doing medicine. i think part of what people have been trying to say to me... is that it is a lot of a lottery. and the odds really are stacked so very highly for the private school kids.
and as an attempt to solve the problem of them all taking off overseas for higher pay and better working conditions... around 1/3 of the places are set aside for Maaori and Pacific Island applicants (i'm not eligable for those)... which only makes the other part of that lottery even more competitive.
once they've given those places to the doctors kids... and the politicians kids... and the lawyers kids and the engineers kids... and the managers kids... well, i mean, c'mon, how many places were there, again?
it is stacked by years and years and years of training, to be sure. and you tell the kids that the UMAT or the GRE or whatever... that those tests are tests of innate ability / genetic superiority rather than learning. and you especially make sure that the private school kids have access to those kinds of problems and teachers that make doing them fun (or at least not a bully-able offense) while the public school kids... do not.
i have more of a chance of law... which i'm sure is a similar scenario... because of my years of tertiary learning... that means i can talk about tragedy of commons and ideal rationality and the idea of progress in law / rationality / science / mathematics... about trade-offs between the rights of different populations... about balance of power... and none of that seems strictly fair... that i have had exposure and a fair bit of holding your hand walking you through the content of that kind of stuff... but i have. and that... gives me the edge.
anyway... i'm feeling pretty demoralised with the UMAT... the little pattern recognition puzzles. next in sequence. or fill in the missing pattern. or arrange them in order and identify the middle. fairly standard maths puzzles that the maths teacher gives out as fun extension homework - right? mmm hmm. fairly natural extension of numerical sequence patters - right? only put shapes / colors / moving bits in... then you can call it 'not maths' and 'not learned'. but of course they are governed by maths rules. +1 ,+2, +3 or whatever... the same maths rules that governed the numerical sequences that some kids have had many years exposure to. i mean... i was doing numerical sequence patterns from that website... since about year 4...
anyway... i don't know that i can do well enough on the lottery. on any aspect of it. i don't know that i can get the grades i need. i don't know that i can get the UMAT score i need. i expect i can do okay on the interview... but i got a definate 'no' out of my last one so... and the UMAT... people are saying that the test is crazy hard. in the sense that to get in the very top-most percentile is not at all getting 100% of the test. that you get a hell of a lot less than that... it... is designed to overload you.
i'm not entirely sure what it is about... they were looking at introducing a lottery at some point but people objected. nobody wants to think that there is a lottery component. i... don't think i can do well in the stacked lottery. and perhaps more importantly... i find it easier to do and remain motivated doing something that i feel relatively confident in my ability. i don't feel confident in my ability to do physics... or chemistry problems, really... or maths for epidemiology. or any of the UMAT. i've realised what is odd about the person skills part of the UMAT... people in my life don't act like that. people on TV surely don't act like that. medical doctors i know don't act like that. academics don't act like that. homeless people don't act like that. psychotherapists don't act like that. who the f*ck acts like that? that is what they consider ideal rationality / emotionality / empathy to be? According to ACER? WTF?
?
?
anyway... i'm sure it is years of innate ability...
i have these faint memories of these reading comprehension test cards... there were various boxes of them... a reading extract and multiple choice questions. they went up by colors... and you were supposed to stick to the section where you got around 95% of them right, or something. and practice. and hopefully learn to move up. those... i remember those... i remember i got to sit in the room and do those... that i worked my way through them... that i found them fun. i made it to the end. ta da. reading age of 16 (as high as they go, apparently). when i was 7. then what? public school... couldn't have started preparing me for UMAT, huh. that wouldn't have been fair. where the f*ck were the maths puzzles?????
anyway... law it might have to be. i suppose there can be variety there, too. meeting with clients. days in court. not just reading and writing reading and writing. and if all goes well and i get to be really very good i could maybe be a judges lawyer rather than a juries lawyer... or something... i don't quite know.
it is very common for people from law school here to move into politics. i guess that is common everywhere... i suppose the division of power is a lot less divided than we suppose. that lines are blurry... i don't know. i don't know what to say.
i feel... grieving already. i haven't given up. but i don't see a way. i feel very angry that people from the uni whose job it was to help people who were disadvantaged keep on about how i need to stick to my strengths that i'm lucky i have strengths whatever whatever whatever.
i guess... the only reason you do philosophy is because you love it / feel passionately about it. that is the only reason to do it. other things.. people do science and law and engineering and whatever whatever whatever... medicine... not because they feel passionately about the subject matter... but because people encouraged them to try for that particular lottery. it's a job ffs. just do what you can do with minimum fuss / effort. free up your free time. that is the point to life - right? i mean... what the f*ck is wrong with me that i don't get that / just simply do that. i mean... what is my problem?
anyway... on the one hand... no good, if the stress of this is getting to me already. on the other hand... it is that crazy time of year, again. i don't quite know what to do about summer school... i think i should do physics. grade only matters to my ego. but my ego... my performance is crucially dependent on that. my motivation, too. whether you work hard and learn more or whether you collapse into a little crumpled heap and can't bear to face it. wehter you enjoy it. wehther you don't. all depend... on whether i feel good / competent in what i'm doing. like playing cards... you aren't responsible for the hand you are dealt. you aren't responsible for winning or losing. but you are responsible for having done the best you could / following appropriate procedure or whatever for the hand you got... you have to have confidence in your best... your ability to follow the procedure, or whatever. whatever. rambling... sorry... maybe i should do summer school... i'm not finding the motivation to stick with my own work over the summer...
work. that is what is so demoralising about it all. i wanted to learn anatomy / physiology. and i am able to see that learning about things like rates of reaction and pistons and so on are somewhat relevant. are worth learning. but that stuff is hard for me. and i don't entirely know how to learn it. if that makes sense. at least teh physics people are good abotu extra help... maybe i should do it. i'm not as motivated as i thought i would be to learn chemistry etc over teh summer... maybe i really should do physics...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 17:32:07
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 15:48:53
well... the outline is up for physics already... we don't do ideal gases or thermodynamics. no pistons. but what we do do... looks overwhelming already, to be honest. the amount of content that is covered in each lecture...
and perhaps part of my problem... is that it is about pattern recognition, really. they want you to do the work... which means... working through the problem sets / answers. and the exam questions will be (maybe slight variations e.g., with different numerical values) on exactly those questions.
and the trouble is... i get lost in trying to UNDERSTAND.
and with chemistry... they lecture and tell you x and y and z. and then they give you a problem. and you CAN'T GET THE RIGHT ANSWER TO THE PROBLEM FROM UNDERSTANDING x and y and z. they don't expect you to be able to do the problem on your own. when they work through the solution to the problem they are giving you NEW instruction. it isn't a case of simple application.
and that is what gets me. and upsets me. and demotivates and demoralises me. questions that don't test my understanding. questions that are platforms for new instruction. i thought the questions were test questions. like... comprehension questions. and when i can't get the questions along the way correct... it upsets me. because i think it shows me that I haven't followed along at all. So then I want to go back through the content so I can get it better and understand how the content should have enabled me to answer that question... Only it couldn't.
All that matters is the worked problems. And the pattern recognition in play there. To be able to work the problem yourself. Perhaps with different numerical values. Or whatever. I CAN do those... But half the battle... Most of the battle... Is in comprehending what it is that they want from me / what the game is in the first place.
Like first year logic... Where the problem students are the mature students who mess things up because they add 6 more steps than they needed to because they were convinced IT COULD NOT BE THAT SIMPLE! sort of...
Dammit. I'll stay enrolled... Have 1 week to withdraw.. See how I feel after that first week.
Of course I will most probably do it. Because doing it... Will motivate me to do ANYTHING BUT THAT. Which of course includes studying UMAT puzzles and chemistry... Sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 18:13:05
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 17:32:07
https://os.lsac.org/Release/Shop/Publications.aspx
ffs.
no. i don't have to do it :-p
i'm seeing if i can do the other law paper second semester next year... in which case i can apply for entry to 2nd year law (competitive entry) at the end of next year in case medicine doesn't work out for me...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2014, at 18:35:19
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 15, 2014, at 18:13:05
we had a conceptual physics textbook for the physics class i just did. the focus was on the concepts rather than equations. in our assignments / exams we did have conceptual questions... but we also had equations. and i struggled with both, to be fair.
i got to looking at the 'proper' physics textbooks. they are wonderful! so very much better! perhaps i needed the conceptual physics as a platform... but these other textbooks have short descriptions... describing the equations, basically. then present a problem where the solution is going to involve using the equation. then presenting a strategy which involves a description of a line of reasoning for solving the problem. then their worked solution. then a discussion about the working...
and the discussion is explicit about the algebraic substitutions that they used in their solution (the absence of which makes it very f*ck*ng hard for me to follow the worked solution). to the extent that i can actually follow (with a lot of effort). rather than going off about derivations (which is too complicated for me since they themselves involve substitutions which prevent my following the derivation) and confusing the hell out of me.
a wonderful textbook is a wonderful thing!
that textbook is the textbook for biological physics. then i took a look at the textbook for the summer school paper and it is so very similar! i actually have a hope in learning from them!
maybe it is just where i am at now that i have done some... i still do have some trouble with scientific notation and unit conversions... but the textbook explained it in a way i've never seen with setting up the scientific notation as a dimensional analysis / unit conversion... anyway... it is seeming a lot clearer to me. i do need to practice... but it is a beautiful thing when what was so very murky... when clarity begins to emerge. a wonderful feeling, indeed.
the summer school course is a bit compressed, i think. mechanics, electricity, wave motion, optics. no gases! no thermodynamics! it does say something about deriving a wave equation using 'simple calculus'... but that is the only mention of calculus...
i am looking forward to it :)
chemistry, too. back on track. i love my model kit. i made seroquel (just - used up ALL my carbon!) i don't quite have enough to have a model of each of the functional groups that we need to know (all set up at the same time)... but fortunately i will have another model kit arrive early next week :)
physics IS helpful for exposure / practice with equations / algebra / graphical relationships etc. I think I will have a MUCH easier time of kinetics etc that we do for chemistry after doing more physics... and i'll go bonkers if i don't have something scheduled... summer school will be fun, yeah.
i haven't given up on medicine. or on science. it is helping to motivate me knowing that law is a viable option for me... it helps me feel competent and like working on something is worthwhile. it helps me feel... secure. it is important to me to do well at what i do, yeah. i think i could be good at physics / chemistry... it is just really hard to stay curious and motivated and enjoying things that so many others ridicule... and it is also really hard to find instruction at the right level...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 15:31:59
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 19, 2014, at 18:35:19
I suppose Christmas was... Normal. What more normal family Christmases are like. The day was pleasant. The company mostly good. It was a lot harder staying with people... Mostly one of them... She is super-friendly and super-energetic and she triggers something in me where I feel fairly harassed... Unless I'm super-fresh and well rested I feel that I lose myself in her and that she simply will not leave me alone. Gets me longing for a seclusion cell...
Anyway... It wasn't for terribly long. And so, things were mostly okay.
And it was nice to have the people contact. They seem to like me okay, which helps me feel like less of a freak. I can ask them whether my hair looks alright at the back (since I've been trimming it myself for a while now) and so on... And I feel like I fit with them, somehow. They live in a wealthy white suburb that is kinda hippy / cool. People have street parties and the community centre is a big deal. Etc. Lots of artists etc. Used to be more about students but too expensive for that now. Organic this and home brewed that. But pleasant, yeah. And I suppose I did start to relax.
Someone I know was in hospital down in Wellington. He's a kid. 15. Fell (maybe hit a little bit) off a skateboard. Hooning down a hill. Was in the head injury / surgical observation unit for over a week... Dark quiet room. When I first went up on Christmas day he was kinda drowsy and confused... Scary... I made everyone drive to a gas station for blue poweraid - because I asked him if he wanted anything and he seemed shy / embarrassed about it but said he really wanted blue poweraid. He tried to get his mother to get him some but she brought him gatoraid, which wasn't the same. It was shocking to me... How dismissive other people were being about getting him what he wanted when it was so simple compared to a hell of a lot of other things... I didn't / don't understand that. I mean... It isn't that hard, really. And it is something concrete that one can do to help...
On the plane on the way back... They put me right at the back with a bunch of mothers and infants / toddlers. Because I'm an 'older' woman travelling alone, I guess. They looked a little apologetic when I boarded the plane... Anyway... The lady next to me was a little nervous... First time travelling with a 3 month old... Had her mother with her to help, but... And the flight attendant couldn't find the picture of how she was supposed to hold it for take-off but said she was supposed to take it out of the front carrier and cradle it sort of... Anyway... Not sure why but I said it might be about holding it's head in a position so as to keep the airway clear in case the face gets pressed back into her with the acceleration / with turbulence... And about how sucking a pacifier or something might help keep the tubes open because it can hurt when they get blocked... And that probably the most important thing was that she was comfortable because if she was relaxed he would be most likely to relax, too. And, anyway... People seemed to relax and nobodies baby made any kind of grumpy sound during the (admittedly fairly short) flight. Just little things... I said I liked taking off - it was my favourite part. How it feels when the wind gets under the wings and the plane lifts off the ground. Commenting that the little bit of turbulance we had closer to Auckland was usually something that happened closer to Wellington with the wind currents... She asked if I was a nurse and I was like 'no. I'm a student. I'd like to be a doctor, but... I don't really know anything about babies...' I guess now they probably thought I actually was a medical student... Which I really didn't mean to convey... But, anyway, the whole thing... Made me realise that I really do want to be a doctor. More than anything. That I do have interpersonal skills for some things. For exactly that kind of thing. When the role is clear. When your calmness is infectious. I like the mental clarity that emerges for me during those time. How time seems to slow down so pressure for me to think swiftly is lifted and things just... Flow. Trying to get into the spirit of law is simply me trying to arrange a plan B so that I'm not destroyed if I don't get a place. But I think no matter what... I will be, rather. I really, really want this. Mostly because I think I will be really rather good. I don't think I can convey to people that... I don't know that I can do well enough on the tests and everything that is supposed to be about detecting precisely that. I like to feel... Like a sheepdog. Leading from behind... Looking out for others welfare... Using all my senses / wits to focus on keeping everything okay...
And the baby was cute. She wasn't... Excited. That high pitched squealy thing that some people / mothers do with infants... She wasn't like that. And her baby was really calm. I said 'happy' but I meant more Bob Marley type reggae chilled out. Didn't have a care in the world. Content. At peace. Just stared at me with these soulful black eyes... She said he could see to about 60cm so... Probably could see better than me... I'm alright with kids. They seem to like me. Get curious about me. Because I don't pursue them, I guess. They become very curious about me... About what my deal is. I do think some kids roll their eyes rather at the high pitched squealy thing that a lot of people do at them... I know I (still do) find it over-stimulating. A lot of people who get a lot of that... I think it does de-sensitise people. I'm not sure it is for the best. Depends on your environment, perhaps. Like the locusts getting their hind-feet brushed... Will they become solitary or will they swarm? I think people have a little bit of that, too...
There is something about hospitals that I like. Perhaps because sometimes what I most need is a seclusion cell, or some approximation thereof. Because there were usually a few huggy-bear nurses who would offer hugs / squeeze the crap out of me, which helped. Because it got me out of the sh*t hole that was my life, at times. Anyway... I find them calming. The smell of them etc. Even when things go crazy. Like the time the great big guy practically picked up the heavy wooden pool table and threw it across the room... made sense to me at the time. or the time one of the chicks dropped to the floor and started to seize or the time... I find clarity emerges at those times. Most especially if you have a checklist of procedures to do... Clarity emerges, yeah
Anyway... Onward, ho. I am looking forward to classes starting... But I'm also kinda scared, yeah. Feeling more normal, though. Yeah. And I did have a break. A proper holiday... Getting away... Which I haven't done since... And now I'm home and it is so good to be home and to not have to answer to 'and what are your plans for the day' when I'm used to doing whatever I want whenever I feel like it... And my second model kit arrived (so now I can make all the functional groups I need to know and leave them set up indefinately / join them together) and my epidemiology book did too and I think the gym is open today and... Life is good.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 16:33:53
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 15:31:59
I think it is because of priorities. Of what is important in life. Finally... Nobody gives a sh*t about what brand of this or that you are wearing. The squealy thing is much diminished. People are calmer. More sombre. More introverted / introspective. Respectful. Sensitive. Hospitals, fairly generally, are calming for me. Even the sound of alarms... They make most people freeze and stare wide-eyed. Looking around for the sheepdogs... Perhaps that is it... You don't seem to get the bully-people stepping up in that kind of a situation. Leaders emerge and people seem grateful. I don't see happy-puppy jostling. I don't see people jostling to take control of the situation. That's precisely the kind of situation in which I can step up. Most especially if I have a list (have confidence in my ability to work through that list)... The more automatic that it the better I can (I know I actually can) bring other kinds of monitoring processes online, too... For some of the out of the box... The kind of thinking that prevents boredom kicking in as you do a process for the 10th, 100th, 1,000th, 100,000th time...
People do seem to like me and look to me to lead. I'm not entirely sure why... I think it is partly my age, now. And I'm tall-ish for a female... I've had some people say that there is something about the way I move that is eye catching. I sort of float... I know one can't be objective about oneself... But I think I do have some kind of quality of movement that makes my movement form eye catching... Perhaps because I find something aesthetically pleasing about movement myself so I work hard at the gym mostly to improve on it and that does shine through... And... I think I'm attractive in a pleasant way. I'm very conservative in my dress and I don't have a tended look of makeup and hours with hair dryers / products... So... Sort of non-sexual, I guess, which makes people feel less threatened... Anyway... Whatever... Perhaps because my natural response in an emergency is to step back away from the people (so I can keep my eyes on the whole herd) and to... Obviously... Think. Think about what I can do. Instead of standing there in absolute shock that all the chatter has stopped and that the siren is too loud for people to talk to / at each other... Panicked eyes looking for someone to MOVE so everyone can follow...
I was talking about physics for summer school and whether other people were going to do it. And people were like 'why, it isn't a requirement for your pathway'? And I was like 'because it will help me understand physiology since it is largely based on physical principles'. And people were like 'why, you only need to remember the powerpoint factoids they throw at you'. And eventually I was like 'okay, you got me. I like physics. I'll enjoy it, that's why I want to do it'. These people are weird... They have alien attitudes for me..
I was watching a documentary... And this is a theme that has come up many times... About 'brilliant people' who do this or that. About some doctor who cared more about his patients than his family. Who spent more time at the hospital than he did at home. They cast it as him making sacrifices. Like he was some kind of hero or saint for sacrificing something he clearly loved more / would clearly personally prefer to be doing (hanging with his family) for some higher principle (to benefit mankind or sense of duty to his patients or whatever). But no. You would burn out if that was what you were doing. Become bitter and resentful with life. Clearly what was going on was... He loved his job. That's why he did it. He felt more comfortable caring for patients than hanging out at home. Probably... He couldn't deal with the unstructured environment. He didn't know how to be without his role. He couldn't have done otherwise, in other words. That's what you want, seems to me. When the students are all about 'I'd love to do it - but only part time because I want a life as well....' When people are all 'medicine can't be your life or you will burn out'... Medicine isn't really calling them, is it. They don't have that vocation. There are a bunch of students who are all, like 'patients just want us to give them this and that and they don't treat us with the respect they once used to have for our profession'. But then... They don't want to treat their vocation / their patients with the respect that used to be the standard for the profession, either. So... I don't trust doctors because I don't know their (largely undisclosed) financial interests. The pharma perks. The advertising (in the name of education) they have been subjected to. Even the studies are corrupt. Hard to know when to trust the science. Hard to know when I'm being sacrified for some (misguided) ideology about what is good for populations... I want control of my own healthcare... And along the way... I'll be in the position to help others... Maybe even populations...
I think the person has been left out... Somehow in the catch-phrase of 'reductionism- bad' the population focus has somehow ignored the fact that populations are comprised (largely) of persons. This whole idea of 'quality adjusted life years' is morally repugnant to me. The idea that there is an objective hierarchy of quality of life and that certain people have less quality of life than others... The idea that quality decreases with age. That people who aren't able to hear (whose other senses are hightened in compensatory ways) are worse off because of something intrinsic about them (rather than because of societies prejudices and ignorances and because of largely arbitrary ways in which much of it is set up)... That if a person has something like loss of limb then they are placed lower down transplant lists (for example) because the thought is that their quality of life is always going to be impaired, anyway, so the transplant is worth more given to someone who thereby gets up over the 'normal!' line... It makes me angry... So very soulless... Personless... The... Warped and... Psychopathic... Moral intuitions / quality judgements that seem intuitive to economists... I mean, my God, rich people probably have higher quality of life from the perspective of economics, too, which probably justifies why rich people should be bumped up the transplant lists too - right?
I feel sad that I need to spend time learning to pick the middle and answering questions (learning to inter-personally relate the way the ACER consortium has decided is ideal)... I could have spent the several hundred dollars on a first aid course... I feel... Sad. That this kind of sh*t may prevent me... For some kid who got really really good at memorising factoids. I guess I just have to trust the selection process... Or... Or perhaps 'And'... If it screws me over... Trust that whatever medicine has become... It isn't for me.
I suppose I could look into going overseas and volunteering for things... Try and actually... Work my way up into something that way. If that makes sense. By being generally useful. I don't know how I'd cope without my own little cave, though. That is basically the problem...
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:12
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 16:33:53
> learning to inter-personally relate the way the ACER consortium has decided is ideal...
like a rich, white, australian, in other words.
sigh.
why nz. just, uh, why?
Posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:55
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:12
oh, yeah. because we are talking about OUR kids (getting entry to medical school) / having futures that are secured.
sigh.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:24:09
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 29, 2014, at 22:12:55
I found a news clipping from The University of Queensland (Australia). About how the VC's daughter got offered a place into Med School even though there were around 300 applicants that scored more highly than her. About how once this was found out... Her father resigned... But about how they were going to let her keep her place because (quote) it 'wasn't her fault'.
I guess it is nice and clear about where the allegiance lies. Once you are accepted in to the wonderful magical circle then you are accepted in to the wonderful magical circle. Perhaps you stuff up mightily. Worst case you have to leave the country and set up shop someplace new. Like how US doctors who are barred from practice because of sexual abuse or negligence or maleficence or whatever get to go set up shop in Australia...
It isn't at all about how patients deserve better. About how some patients are going to get her (not the best) as their doctor.
Of course... The deal is that probably around 2x the number of people want to do it than there are places available. And that most of any of them would go on to be perfectly fine. So she most probably is fully competent. She could even me more competent than the majority of her cohort since most of the cohort is probably only around 18 / 19 / 20 and it is next to impossible to judge how students who do well in their first year at uni are going to turn out 5 or 10 years down the track compared to students who bloomed a bit later...
The ACER consortium gets a significant role in allocating UMAT scores. The scoring is all very hush-hush. I'd love to see some stats... I'd love to see UMAT percentile scores mapped against socio-economic class. Against race. Against the decile (poverty) rating of the last secondary school attended. I bet the test is HEAVILY biased. Which is (of course) precisely why they don't make such data available. The GRE is also heavily culturally biased. US students (from US secondary schools / US undergraduate universities) do better than international applicants. DESPITE this we are told over and over and over again that the test is a test of innate ability. I guess many people out there still do believe that some racial / cultural / socio-economic classes are intrinsically better / more intelligent / whatever than others.
How did Medicine manage to uniformly ignore most everything that has been learned about such tests in psychology?
I think the medical schools have a lot more discretion available to them than than they let on. They don't make cut off scores available either. But people will post their scores on websites and the like. Interesting to see how people who do badly on one aspect (but went to a private / high decile school) still seem to end up with offers of place... I must have got a definate 'no' from my Otago interview to not have been waitlisted. And yet I was informed I did really well at answering their questions... It doesn't make sense.
They should have base cut-offs. There should then be a randomised / lottery process for offers. It would be fairer than the current stacked lottery system.
But of course everyone who gots in under x system has preference for x system. In philosophy... Professors who went through hellish (hazing) rituals as part of graduate school / junior positions tend to want to keep the same process for future generations. US job market (aka: meat market) books out an expensive hotel in someplace expensive like NYC and expects those on the job market to go to conference. They used to have job hiring interviews in actual hotel rooms where faculty were sprawled out over beds and where committees asked inappropriate questions like whether the applicant was planning on having babies and whether they might be expected to want time out to do so over the next few years...
One can't opt out of everything, I suppose.
I feel sad.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:37:26
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:24:09
And people want professional careers because it offers some kind of immunity status. You can break the law in all kinds of ways but it's okay you'll be granted name suppression and probably just get a (manageable) fine. We don't send professional people to jail... I mean, just the odd one, so that it seems to the public that we in fact do send professional people to jail. Like how we like to make nice examples of people like Tiger Woods and Oprah and Obama to persuade the American public (and international community) that non-white people can make it in America too!
I feel... Sad... Still...
There has been critique in NZ, in particular... Some... Some limited... About how our traditional ways of selecting medical students has the significant majority of medical students seriously out of touch with the communities who are mostly likely to need them. The MPAS (Maaori and Pacific Island) quota system is supposed to help address that need. After the basic competency is achieved then there are a certain number (actually a fairly significant number) of places set aside for applicants who meet that competency. I don't know whether they fill all those places. It wouldn't surprise me if they didn't... Because the base standard is high.
I'm not sure that race is the way for us to go... We are getting some assimilated Maaori and Pacific Island students through the private schools... With professional parents... I don't know that these students are any more likely to want to serve rural Maaori and Pacific Island communities than the non Maaori and Pacific Island students are. Sometimes the recently assimilated can be most racist. Believing that since they made it everyone can who 'tries'. Not wanting a bar of skeletons in the closet...
Country bonded is the obvious solution.
It is more about rich, powerful people wanting to ensure the same privaledge for their kids. That is the thing. Nepotism... That is what it is really about...
I feel sad.
WHy do people insist on having kids when there are so many kids who already exist who nobody wants?
I don't understand.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:42:51
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:37:26
It was an interview question this year, by the way. What (if anything) you would change about the selection process.
You have about 4 minutes to chat about that with the interview person. The rich, white, interview person.
You want to sound a bit more cerebral than miss universe. But, I suppose... Not too cerebral. They most probably don't want an abstract for a thesis. They probably want a minor tweaking to the status quo. They probably don't want a systematic attack on the ACER consortium (on who the f*ck they are such that we have given them such power over our medical intake). Suggesting everyone be required to get a medical certificate: nice. Suggesting we stop sending over AUS$200 per NZ applicant to the ACER consortium: not so nice.
fitting in to rich, white, Australia. mimicking the 'i've had a blessed and sheltered life'. expressing... mild regret that one might be out of touch with the needs of the majority of nz society. but... we can all express that regret. interviewers and interviewees on the same side: it isn't out fault.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:46:44
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:42:51
> Suggesting everyone be required to get a medical certificate: nice.
ahah of course i meant to say *first aid certificate* and should probably add *and be up to date on their immunisations or write 5,000 words on why they believe it is better for them and / or society for them not to be immunised*
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 19:18:08
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 18:42:51
> expressing... mild regret that one might be out of touch with the needs of the majority of nz society. but... we can all express that regret. interviewers and interviewees on the same side: it isn't out fault.
and that is what empathy means.
of course.
interpersonal skills aka: culture and values. not learnable. innate. according to ACER.
i have to sit the UMAT in order to apply to medicine. i don't see an option of writing a 5,000 word essay or a 10,000 word essay or a 50,000 word thesis on how such things as the UMAT contribute towards the failure / inadequacy of the medical system.
sucking it up...
i feel sad.
and dead. a little bit dead inside.
i didn't do GRE. didn't send them my money. decided it wasn't worth studying for it. the artificial test that it was. decided i didn't want to learn to think like a rich white american. there were a couple institutions in the top 50 that didn't require GRE...but i have to sit the UMAT now.
i feel... a lot dead inside, honestly.
Posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 19:48:03
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 19:18:08
Sigh.
It's not so bad. I know it isn't. I do have some kind of faith...
I've lived with the masses and... I can't function in that kind of environment. I fought to get back to where I am because I didn't do so well back there...
I do have a hard time identifying with the young 'uns who have had their blessed lives, though. the structured exposures... but then... looking through the medical curriculum and seeing the structured exposures to things like... having a baby / handling infants. and so on... i feel grateful. that it isn't 'just get in there and drag yourself up / work it out somehow'. a lot of my childhood felt like that. i guess that is how come i tend towards bitterness / cynicism...
it is coming from fear.
we weight UMAT a lot less than Aussie places do. They sort of need something that is applied to all students. Becuase their med applicants are coming from a diverse range of universities. Some students went to a competitive one and earned A's... Some other students went to a smaller / more rural / less competitive one and earned A's... UMAT scores help distinguish between applicants.
NZ... Doesn't need it so much with our applicants having done the same first year... It is more about... Demonstration of committment, or something. Takes effort to get organised to pay the fee and get to the testing place etc. During the holidays, too. It means that the applications they receive are serious applications. One wouldn't organise that because one thought one would 'have a go'. Or in a moment of whimsy...
The interview... They don't want to hear a rant. Cynacism. Bitterness. Resentment. But if I can put that to one side I probably can say something pro-lottery. I mean... I got the idea from a research paper I read ffs and the main issue was that they thought it wouldn't have public acceptance. Because the public wants to think they have the best. Because (the missing part they haven't told the public) the public doesn't realise that there are around 2x as many people wanting to do it as people would would likely go on to be terrific. We have some arbitrary difference-makers to discriminate... But they reward wealth and heredity... Which makes it more likely our medical doctors will aspire to move to Australia for better pay and 'better' (according to section II assessed culture and values) working conditions.
4 minutes? Maybe I can do it... Perhaps. I think the idea is more to engage with the interviewer rather than ranting at them, anyway. Say a little... See how they respond. Let them coax me into saying things we both agree with. Empathy. Yeah.
I do worry that I can't trust my judgement... But I honestly think... That I honestly mostly can...
I felt... From my Otago interview... That if I erred... It was in the preppy / rich white Australian direction. I thought... They would be wanting that (mostly because of my mates applying to Aussie Medical schools). I got myself a preppy outfit and accessories (that I felt comfortable in - so it would have come across as natural)... Insofar as the interview people were dubious... It would have been because they felt me to be too much in the way of rich white Australian... Becuase I actually can pull it off really rather well (after however many years of working on my PhD)... I was initially suprised and then something clicked with the girl I met who was more... Well... Who was used to working with doctors in nursing homes and was dressed clearly more appropriately for that setting...
And at one point I said about how I had done some work with this street kid outreach thing with xxx and they knew xxx. And they looked rather shocked at that point. That they had me pegged wrong.
And they did.
Because I don't know how to convey that I know I'm comfortable with hospitals because of the amount of time I've spent there. How to convey that mentally ill people are mostly chillaxed with me. That I have good empathy with them... For things... Intuitive... When they want a cigarette... Of course I know it is different when you are in a different role.. Making people do this and that against their will... But generally speaking... The idea of graduated exposures to mental health wards seems funny to me... As would the graduated exposures to ob gyn to a person who was towards the eldest end of a 13 sibling family...
Or the little hyperactive glue sniffers. with severe behavioural dyscontrol. who can't keep their hands to themselves. the little kleptomaniacs... I'm not entirely comfortable... But I do better than most. And I have empathy... And I've seen how most of them can come to attach to a pet... And how the ones who can't... Well... And the gangs... The people in gangs... How most of them attach to pets too... And how some of them are much more honourable than professionals out there who are supposedly on the side of the patients...
Sigh.
I don't know how to convey all that. That blend. That contradiction that doesn't make sense to me half the time.
I choose to believe... I choose to hold onto the idea that they want people like me. That they want people like me to succeed. That it really just is about my science grades. And about me not losing my sh*t / undermining myself this year. Not completely flunking the UMAT (people with 30th percentile scores are being offered places from terrific GPA's). Not ranting during interview.
It will be okay.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 18:18:00
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on December 31, 2014, at 19:48:03
so...
if i don't get to do medicine... i think i'll do a double degree in law / science. the science part... i'll try and pick up psychology... forensic / neuropsychology... yeah.
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 18:47:44
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 18:18:00
I remember being absolutely fascinated by the mind...
Perhaps it started out with the whole God thing... With a phase of not really believing - but really, really, really, really, really wanting to believe. With not saying I was a Christian... With not being saved... Because I didn't feel I could be in good conscience. Because I thought that people who were saved / were Christians (really properly in their hearts) didn't smoke and swear and so on. But I wasn't prepared to give those things up. But I couldn't deal with being a hypocrite... And I read the whole bible... And I really really really really really tried to believe... But I couldn't quite...
And then I did get saved. And stuff. And felt bad for being such a hypocrite / such a bad christian. And then the hypocracy I saw in the church with so very many people being really very bad christians in so very many ways (adultery and child abuse and alcohol and...)
And then I didn't want to believe... But I felt so very much guilt. And it was like I still believed with my heart even though I had rejected the whole idea of God with my head.
And I was really interested in that... In the relationship between emotion and belief and action and in how... F*ck*ng slow some of that can be to catch up to alterations in one of those...
Spiritual things used to freak me out, too. Ghosts. Haunted houses. The usual nonsense. Telepathy. Supernatural phenomenon. UFO's. The x-files... I didn't rationally believe, but I was emotionally terrified. And then I wasn't sure whether there might actual be rational reason to believe.
Then things a bit more 'real'. The idea of psychopaths / sociopaths who are only pleasant to the world but who do horrible things hidden away. About whether there could really be people like that. About whether x or y or z might actually be like that... About the idea of multiple personalities... And split brain people who grab this with one hand but push that with the other... All the... 'popular science' cool... Fascinating... Stuff... I was really taken by it... And I needed to sort it out to my own satisfaction.
What did I want? Probably a job that doesn't exist. Thank you TV. Some kind of a psychology person... Some kind of... Genuine knowledge / understanding of what was going on with the mind... Yeah. Yeah...
Something psychoanalytic... A deeper understanding of human psychology... The sort of deeper understanding / insight you see on TV sometimes... In a more psychologically complex novel...
I still do feel the force of that. But the job description... Doesn't really exist. Was the biggest myth of all... Only exists in TV and in novels... In the occasional journal article that people write to immortalise their clients in flattering ways (how much is that worth!!!) And I feel some kind of... Squeemishness... At... Some kind of... Well... Things are starting to blend back to belief in ghosts and UFO's... The unassailable authority ones parents had when one was, like, two years old.
I wonder how many kids out there want to be forensic pathologists or whatever whatever... Because of TV shows with made up jobs... Where people get to do the 'best' / 'funnest' parts of so very many other jobs... Doctor and lawyer and police detective and computer scientist and burglar and so on... Unemployed... With all the free time these people get... Sigh...
My ranting... Could be taken for good lawyering... For reals. I mean... It sounds like some kind of a joke... But it isn't. it is about mounting a case... An insurmountable case a number of reasons that compel the jury or the judge or whatever to agree... I'm good at staying however many steps ahead. At anticipating likely objections... And counter-objections... And counter-counter objections. I'm pretty quick to see that that line of reasoning will be aborted several moves down the track so better leave that line alone... This other line over here is much more promising and after 3 or 4 counters and counter-responses - I win!
And this whole idea of framing... Of framing being crucial. Of how there isn't any objective truth or fact of the matter for the things that are most important... And I do have some understanding of human psychology and the things that people find so very hard to tease apart... E.g., confusing liking with innocence and so on...
I, uh, would make a good lawyer. Yeah.
But I kind of feel... I wish I could employ those skills in advocating for my patients.
But probably the health system doesn't want that. Sigh.
It would be kinda fun to go after big tobacco etc... In theory, I mean. In practice... It would be reading and writing reading and writing so some actor can have their (scripted) day in court.
Yawn.
Parts of Boston Legal were pretty good. The show peaked around season three. One good season. Where Schore (and others) were, in fact, brilliant. Then... What happened? The writers change? The election got close and someone decided to use the show to rant political ideology. Over and over and over. No originality. No brilliance. It never recovered. Them winning cases that were implausible. Them not being able to distinguish the idea of brilliant lawyering from winning. How it isn't about winning or losing... How it is about how you play the game... What you do with the cards you have got...
I was amazed at how... Human things were here. When I had my day in court. Technically... The judge isn't allowed to consider anything that isn't brought before them by the lawyer. Because we don't have an inquisitorial legal system. So if you have a sh*t lawyer who doesn't raise things that are relevant then the judge isn't allowed to consider those things. In my case... The judge used her ability to put 2 and 2 together (which my lawyer lacked) and her summation of my case was... Well... The most charitable thing to say was that it was just a tad synthetic. Which was just as well since my lawyer couldn't manage to raise all of the relevant points that I clearly laid out / gifted to her in writing several weeks in advance of the actual court appearance. I mean... I got her to send me a copy of the Word file she was going to submit and all she really needed to do was 'accept changes' ffs...
Probably she had too many cases...
That is what needs to change... We need to get better at letting people work from home etc. We need to get better at letting people have less people on their workload. We need to get better at assessing the elusive *quality* of care...
Why do we put our faith in psychopathic economists??
Posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 19:28:57
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 18:47:44
oh, i'm going to learn about the health system this year. first semester, looks like a course in the economics of health care. second semester, some social psychology (the stuff i used to love...) the stuff i... still do. milgram experiment and so on. stuff on attachment. some of the best parts of psychology. not the simplistic CBT that they teach later... in the graduate school... some of the wonderful ideas...
the economics thing... disturbs me. how the qualitative needs to be made quantitative or it... isn't worth anything. how people in vanuatu (highest quality of life in the world with respect to self rated happiness, ease of access to high quality protein, nuts, fruits, stuff to make houses with beautiful views etc etc) get to be rated as 'most impoverished' since they don't have any money...
how people get shifted from the main waiting room in the ER 'who has been waiting for over 2 hours?' into smaller waiting rooms that aren't called waiting rooms so that whoever whoever gets to say they managed to 'cut waiting room times down'. how people get to redescribe signs / symptoms in order to cut epidemics or create epidemics or... how much work goes into little tricks like that... not verbal tricks, exactly. there seems to me to be something fundamentally morally corrupt...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2015, at 22:20:20
In reply to Re: wrecked the bar, posted by alexandra_k on January 1, 2015, at 19:28:57
so... i got a phone call from a work and income office... they want me to come in for an appointment since i applied to study full time this year. i pointed out that i don't fall under their regional service coverage area anymore, since i moved into the city... so after some deliberation they want me to see someone from this service coverage area.
i pointed out that my disability doesn't come up for renewal until december... that disability means my obligation to look for work has been lifted... that one of the officers told me that when i asked whether i could study full time...
now they want me to talk to a manager. i guess they are worried about precedent. which, uh, would be understandable... i was expecting some bad news... but i was expecting it back in September when i checked in with them, not now... months later... not once summer school has started already...
anyway... it might just be starting to sink in for them that i might actually possibly get a place in medical school. uh, in which case, uh, i'll need a helping hand for the next 5 years or so... just until the final year stipend starts to kick in... second full-time year of hospital placement...
it is in the back of my mind to see about... reduced time / workload status. but later... down the track. i don't want to be raising it now.
because the biggest stigma there is about disability... both physical and mental... comes from WITHIN the medical profession. there are some cases of doctors with disabilities... what seems common to all is that they acquired their disabilities AFTER they got accepted in to medical school...
where law and engineering etc etc etc have TAS (targeted admissions) for disadvantaged groups the medical admissions people have decided to make everyone send over two hundred nz dollars to australia for the privaledge of learning to think like a rich, white, Australian.
anyway...
just after i decided to do physics for summer school... since having something on my daily schedule is crucial for keeping me doing productive stuff and rescuing me from the lures of computer gaming... they put up a 'simple calculus: how to do it' document. uh, if that is like ALL the calculus required for the course maybe i can pull another B-. If, uh, that is like ALL of the calculus required for the first week then I'm well and truly screwed.
Ah, maths. or aw maths. or something. :(
Posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2015, at 22:42:01
In reply to Re: uh oh?, posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2015, at 22:20:20
hmm... i guess it's a stocktake.
the people who wanted to see me... they were the regional office that put through my application for disability in the first place. i started out saying that i did in fact want to study full time. i enrolled in 2 summer school classes (more than full time) and i started out enrolled full time in Bio-Medical science degree, too...
then i cut back to part time... and i was scared that the student loans people would be upset... but that was cool...
so now the work and income people want to see me... so i guess i point out to them that nobody questioned my ability to study full time when they approved disability. i made it clear in my application that i intended to study full time. at the time of application i was working full time on my thesis, even... i was honest about that...
i took a year because of the whole 'general chemistry' thing... so... i think... if i do well... at medicine or law... it'll be okay. they might just be having a cow that i suck at physics :( just wanting to check that i don't intend on sticking with physics until i become a theoretical physicist or something... which i may have threatened at some point, hur... maybe they just feel like arguing with me since i did well in law... maybe they think i'm morally dubious now...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2015, at 2:42:12
In reply to Re: uh oh?, posted by alexandra_k on January 4, 2015, at 22:42:01
oh, i know what it is. they helped me pay for accommodation and i said i'd pay them back. so now... they are calling me on it.
and i can pay them back... a little bit later. because i spent the money on textbooks, already. and on molecular model kits. i kept most of the receipts... they might be more impressed if i take the pile for demonstration...
when my textbook money comes through (2 weeks before classes start at the earliest) then it will be too late for the textbooks to be particularly useful. i mean... i've got good mileage out of them already and still another couple months to go...
but they can have their money back then. will still be 'early next year' (first third of it) like i said...
if i give the money back to them then, then i wonder if they will help me buy compression gear? i really need more of it...
Posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2015, at 20:59:00
In reply to Re: uh oh?, posted by alexandra_k on January 5, 2015, at 2:42:12
i didn't spend the money, i realise. it's still there, sitting in my rent account.
i did the right thing, physics for summer school. it will make more sense going through things a second time...
and i've met the lecturers for the course, and i like them well, enough.
and i much prefer to focus on just one class at a time...
and it gives me something to do.
i did a spin class today, and it was good. i might get into a routine of class and then gym class and then homework / working through problems. i feel like i have a much better grip of what we are supposed to be up to, now. following through worked examples so i can replicate them. getting the right answer out of a few homework problems. that's the idea. and just keep up with things as best i can...
i think... i'm going to have to stop posting, hey. i wonder how long it will take for me to vanish into the archives?
?
:(
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