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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 15:50:13
In reply to For Scott, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:46:48
Susan You sound real strong and clear. I like that.
I am happy that Scott cares about about his job and the child's support. That's a good sign.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:57:44
In reply to Susan great reply...., posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 15:50:13
I have lousy replies, and that's okay. Someday I may be doing what Scott's doing today. He doesn't like that I drew attention to his situation; but he *did* post here after all and there was a reason for that, so if I embarrassed him, oh well. Those are the risks you take here. He'll do what he does and I did what I did. I'm embarrassed sometimes too. That's life. But thanks for being supportive, that was very nice of you. I think it's important to be honest to myself no matter what anybody else thinks; they can give input and that's welcome. So I'll always sound strong, no matter how wrong I'll be later.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:02:56
In reply to Re: Susan great reply...., posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 15:57:44
I'm ashamed of myself for saying that. Of course I don't know what Scott is; only Scott knows. I'm going to tape my hands together now; this is ridiculous.
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 27, 2004, at 16:58:46
In reply to Sorry, embarrassed was the wrong word., posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 16:02:56
susan there's never anything wrong with communication.
Scott and B2 have made clear statements that have grave concern for us all.
You were there for both of them. You put your caring right out there. I appreciate that. You are a deeply caring person.I thought you were great. It was a tough situation. What are you going to do?
I think being worried was right.
So one thing is: I hope you don't ever consider suicide...it's way too final and as you can see painful for us all.You did the right thing.
I am there with you.
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:12:07
In reply to B2 Scott (sorta from Shadows.....by way of Emmy), posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 6:25:03
Posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 17:47:58
In reply to Tofuemmy your words on this thread are beautiful. (nm), posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 17:12:07
Those are the words of Shadows...she's the writer here! I just copy/paste very, very, well. :-)
Posted by Angela2 on August 27, 2004, at 18:26:49
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
B2Chica,
You are not a loser! I love you!! The pain you are going through sounds so dark and stomach grinding. I am not a doctor or a psychologist, so I don't know what to say to make you get better but I know that you can get some help from a trained professional. I hope you will be ok soon!!!
Posted by gardenergirl on August 27, 2004, at 18:41:30
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read » zenhussy, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 27, 2004, at 13:50:02
> ZH,
>
> I'm impressed. That was an incredible post. Everyone should read it.Ditto!
gg
Posted by Atticus on August 27, 2004, at 20:44:21
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
B2c,
I'm not going to preach; I know that's the last thing you and Scott want, and it's not really my style anyway. I'd just like you both to know that I'm a survivor of a suicide attempt that I made this past spring. I couldn't think of a single reason, that day, why I should go through the pain of waking up to face another sunrise. So I'll just say this: if either of you is at all interested in communicating, please let me know. I'm not pretending to have any special insights -- just some nasty scars and the desire to talk, about anything, if either of you wants to. I've been in the abyss myself, and you're right, it's a terrible place to find yourself. Give me a try. Atticus
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:54:20
In reply to Re: Tofuemmy your words .....nuh uh..not me! » Susan47, posted by tofuemmy on August 27, 2004, at 17:47:58
Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:55:35
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read, posted by gardenergirl on August 27, 2004, at 18:41:30
I did read it gg. Is there something I missed?
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:06:41
In reply to B2, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
I am coming in on the last part of this thread. Been dealing with major dysfunction lately, so I apoligize for not replying sooner.
What is this about calling the self a looser? Nobody is a loser. They (Shadows) may not do great at certain things, but that doesn't make them a looser. Is a person with MPD or schziophrenia a looser? No. Is a person with diabetes or high blood pressure a loose? No. (Shadows, what the heck is a loose person? Hey, is it Looser or loser? Where is the grammar/speller master? He got ticked with you about awhile back, Shadows. DARN IT!!!)
There are times when we feel like throwing in the towel on something, but that just means we give up. That doesn't mean, "we are loosers". God doesn't make loosers and God didn't make a mistake either. (Personally, I think I made 100's in this post) This life is an adventure and at times it feels like torture. But, if we shut it all down now, what happens tomorrow. When you get to the point of not caring and giving up - that may actually be a surrender to the process of something. When things get to be to much, sometimes we just need to float and stop fighting in the water. Am I making any sense? I hope I don't sound preachy.
"Shadows, you sounded very very preachy to me." Okay, I will shut up and float on some Epsom salts and listen to some Mozart. "Good idea, Shadows. I will make some punch flavored crystal light."..... HEY! WHAT'S IN THIS CRYSTAL LIGHT? "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:10:13
In reply to Shadows what you said was beautiful. (nm), posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:54:20
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 1:51:21
In reply to B2, posted by Scott in Vermont on August 26, 2004, at 15:42:35
In your post, there is a clear cut message sent. I want my old life to end. But, the log truck thing is called suicide by proxy. Also, the poor guy driving the truck would have to live with years of guilt of killing someone. He himself may contemplate suicide. His family would feel the effects.
The fact remains. Your actions will effect others. You think you don't matter. That is far from the truth. If you raise that shot gun, you might as well shot it through the heart of everyone that loves you, Scott. It's the truth. You will just shift your pains onto someone else. Is that what you want? Is that the answer? You may say, "Shadow, I don't have anyone that loves or cares about me." I know one person that should and that's you, Scott. You are getting your world in order that's great. Why not enjoy it? Start eating. Stop hurting yourself by not eating and not taking medications when needed. Forget the books, Scott. They will not tell you how to love yourself. You have to learn how to do it. How you may ask? Treat yourself as a child that you love with all your heart. Get out pictures of when you were 4. Look into the eyes of that kid. That's who you are going to put a bullet into. Is that fair? No. Heck No. That's abuse. How would the parents feel? The grandparents? We are all connected, Scott. What you do affects me and what I do affects you. This is about accepting you are lovable with a diagnosis and with pain.
IT'S NOT OVER SCOTT. UNLESS YOU SAY IT IS. IF YOU TAKE THAT STEP TO HARM YOURSELF, YOU ARE PUTTING A BULLET INTO GENERATIONS OF THOSE WHO LOVE YOU. WE ARE ALL BROTHERS AND SISTERS. MY BROTHER, DON'T KILL YOURSELF. IF YOU DO, YOU PUT A BULLET IN MY (YOUR SISTER'S) HEART.
Posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 2:14:44
In reply to Re: SiV, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2004, at 16:55:32
"Scott, help me. i AM crying for help..i have been crying...SCREAMING all my life and NO ONE LISTENS!!!!!!! NO ONE! what's wrong with me that they can't hear me. WHY?"
I hear you loud and clear, B2. There is nothing wrong with you. Again, I repeat (gently) there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfect just they way you are. You don't need to be changed. If you could go into a place deep within your being past the physical, the spiritual would speak to you very clearly, "There is nothing you can do to keep me from loving you, B2". You would say, BUT i ________, ________ OR _________, ___________. The spirit says, Okay, so? That's not who you are, B2. Those are behaviors. They aren't you. Imagine what would your spirit be like and look like without this physical body? All this body is a means of walking on this Earth. There is no such things as winners and losers that's just the physical mind talking babble there. What would the spirit say? - "I love you, B2, no matter what you do. I will never leave you, B2"
P.S. I don't know any *perfect* parents. Do you, B2? hmmmmmm (Shadows is looking in the yellow pages for perfect parent listing and still looking and still looking........)
Posted by Jai Narayan on August 28, 2004, at 6:34:18
In reply to To: B2, posted by Shadowplayers721 on August 28, 2004, at 2:14:44
B2 you seemed to have dissapeared.
Please write something to this site.
It would be good to hear from you.
I know yesterday was intense.
please check in.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 10:14:13
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read:gg, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2004, at 21:55:35
> I did read it gg. Is there something I missed?
Sorry, I didn't change the subject line. I was just agreeing with Scott that zen's post was great.
Take care,
gg
Posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
In reply to Re: Susan47 please read:gg » Susan47, posted by gardenergirl on August 28, 2004, at 10:14:13
Dropping in here to say that I think B2 only posts from work and she might not get back here until Monday. I don't mean to speak for her, but I hear the worry.
I'm impressed with how much you are all able to give. Babble is a special place.
Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 10:05:08
In reply to B2 posts from work, I think, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
thanx daisyM. yes i do post from work thank for letting them know. i don't want people to get worked up over me.
I remember you've helped me much in the past. thank you once more.
Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:09:59
In reply to B2 posts from work, I think, posted by daisym on August 29, 2004, at 2:03:12
>>Susan47 says: Do you know what a body cut to ribbons looks like? You don't want that. Really. There's nothing nice about a dead body. Keep yours alive
i kinda do. i was very interested in criminal justice and have seen photos, but no irl ones. but i don't think you were getting it. I don't give a rip (pardon the pun) how i look. i WANT to FEEL that pain. every inch of shredding each limb that's become useless. i feel my own skin rip over and over every time i SI, that's why i do it. It's just that the little areas i do aren't enough anymore. Last night when i did it was a couple really good rips on my thigh but my fat thigh is so heavy that the skin peals apart by the weight and all i see is the white fatty tissue below, then i need to tape it together so that is doesn't have a wide scar.
ALSO, i work (everyday) with people with moderate to severe disabilities, 1/2 of which are terminally ill with a horrible disease that takes everything away from them including dignity. (in their eyes not mine). i know EXACTLY what that is and see it every day. the fact that i'm no longer functionig well enough to help them anymore is the issue! it's all i know, to help...i can't seem to do that now= extreme failure.TO ALL BABBLE,
i appreciate your kind responses and cares but i was not tyring to cry wolf on suicide attempt-i'm too much of a coward, failure to even do that (yes logically i know that is not a failure..but...). i am Sick and Tired, Angry, Hurt and i can't stand this torture of see-saw emotion effect i'm having. The confusion Pounds in my head every minute of every day. I have "attempted" once before and failed-(pathetic attempt)this makes things worse.Friday was real tough for me. I took the day off cuz i had a doc appt in the morning and thought it would make me better, it didn't. I became more frustrated and angry/sad. I came right to work cuz my desire to attempt was strong, i scared myself. but i felt even more alone here so i went home it was about 12:10 and all i wanted to do was swallow my pills, i thought about my T. i Wanted to call, i Really Really did but i played out our conversation in my head-i'd call during his lunch hour (there's a good start-sarcasm), he'd have to call me back...i'd wait, when/if he would Finally call he'd probably just suggest i go to the hospital, i don't want to go. He'd them ask how he could help..."I DON"T KNOW"???...end conversation.
I think what saved me then was that i started crying so hard i couldn't move from my bed and literally, LITERALLY cryed myself to sleep (around 12:30ish) and didn't wake up till 6:40 when my husband came home.
Scott was understanding that i feel a stupid F#@$ that can't get anything right, so even if i made an attempt it would be messed up, don't worry.
Friday i was so angry- today i'm back to being withdrawn/just don't care. i'm glad i had to go to work, i feel safer from myself here.
Tomorrow is my appt with my T. Right now i feel like canceling...but i won't. I want to SI more...i won't, i'm ready to cave in and stop fighting...i won't.
That's why i'm in pain. i'm technically getting help but it's not enough. i have so much coming to the surface i just can't stand it. so i try to push it down, then i don't talk, regret, anger, ready to die, don't= failure, disappointment. Cycle starts again.
it feels endlesss...
b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 11:24:51
In reply to post from pb writing and more, posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:09:59
B2C,
I hope you don't mind that I alerted Babblers to the potential trigger in your post. I know you are feeling really really bad now, but I also think you wouldn't wish that on others. I wish I could take away your pain magically.I'm glad you are seeing your T tomorrow. You know, even if the conversation goes a bit like what you imagined the phone call might, does it help at least to know that your T cares about you and works hard to try to understand and help? Also, I think going to work was a good idea if it helps to be around others or at least to be distracted. Good for you.
Also, please get medical attention for your cuts if necessary. I would hate for you to get complications like an infection. You've got more than enough on your plate right now than to have to deal with illness. Stitches aren't that bad, are they?
Thanks for clarifying how you are doing. If you can, can you let us know how we can help? I know many want to, but are unsure just what might feel most helpful to you.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
(((((((((B2C)))))))))))
gg
Posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:42:05
In reply to above post potential ***trigger*** » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 11:24:51
gg
thank you so much. i'm so in my own world right now i didn't even think about alerting to trigger for others. THANK YOU.
i would NEVER wish to set off others. EVER.-about my T. i just am not feeling his "care". i feel too much like a number with him. But i did tell that to my GP friday.
-*trigger*i don't think i need stitches, at least not for these...it's been deeper, besides i don't want them to see the other cuts...
if i don't think it's healing right i will promise YOU i'll go see my GP.>>Thanks for clarifying how you are doing. If you can, can you let us know how we can help? I know many want to...
-the great people they are..
If i can dig myself up even a little from this hole i will ask you all for help, for now-thank you for listening and just being a place i can say how i FOR REAL feel, for letting me be without that STUPID MASK i've been wearing all my life...i just need IRL help right now and it's frustrating, cuz you guys give the best...i just need more. i feel like this giant vacuum that's on overdrive needing so much...(did you ever see spaceballs?? that's the size of the vaccum)Sweet gg. thank you for your prayers.
Posted by gardenergirl on August 30, 2004, at 19:08:33
In reply to Re: still potential ***trigger*** » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:42:05
I have seen Spaceballs. That's one heck of a vacuum. That's a good way to describe it, (and a funny movie...).
Take care,
gg
Posted by Susan47 on August 30, 2004, at 22:00:55
In reply to post from pb writing and more, posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:09:59
Thanks for setting me straight, B2c. I sounded like I was on a high horse; maybe I even meant it that way (what a B**** I can be!!). I think i'm starting to get it now. I wish you good things, please take care. Let me add a hug to gg's. ((((((B2chica)))))
Posted by zenhussy on August 31, 2004, at 1:36:34
In reply to Re: still potential ***trigger*** » gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on August 30, 2004, at 11:42:05
B2C,
>>>>...i just need more. i feel like this giant vacuum that's on overdrive needing so much...(did you ever see spaceballs?? that's the size of the vaccum<<<<
Well if you're putting things into terms of things from Mel Brooks' movies then you're still aware of humour. ; )
I have a dilemma....Scott would like to be in touch with you.
I don't post e-mail addresses on board in general. I'm not using the babblemail feature currently. Is there anyone we both know that can set us up in contact so that we (the collective universal we) can get you in touch with Scott?
Kindly,
--zhP.S. I am very heartened to hear of you talking with your GP about issues about T. I'm glad you are in touch with the professionals.
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