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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 518 to 542 of 545. Go back in thread:
Posted by SandyWeb on July 21, 2004, at 10:40:58
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on July 21, 2004, at 6:51:40
Don't worry, Mystic. Everything is going to be all right.
Sandy
Posted by mystic on July 21, 2004, at 19:08:28
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on July 20, 2004, at 18:20:13
Now sandy that wasnt too much participation or too much information...tell me what is going on with you....mystic
Posted by SandyWeb on July 22, 2004, at 10:42:26
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by mystic on July 21, 2004, at 19:08:28
Hi Mystic,
I had been posting here for a bit:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040706/msgs/366681.html
Now I'm going to try and live in the moment. I'm going to try and not project into the future (which, I have to admit, seems pretty bleak to me), and I'm going to try and steer clear of the past.
Ugh, I'm not sure how well I'll do with this...but I guess if I can stick around long enough for my kids to grow up, then I've achieved an INCREDIBLE success.
Okay, our 5 for the day:
1. I quit attending the sessions with my "team". It was pointless.
2. I've asked to be removed from the Day Treatment Program that starts next month. It would have been pointless due to my bleak future. Just stupid.
3. I went to a different doctor at the University, instead of the lady who doesn't like me, and got a refill for my Seroquel. Not very pleased with the med (doesn't seem to help me sleep much), but I'd rather have it than not have it.
4. I ate HALF a chocolate pudding cake last night with my daughter!!!! I thought I was going to EXPLODE!!!!
5. Received an email yesterday from the cop who was here the night I slit my wrist wide open. (Nice of him to contact me again after we bumped into each other on the street recently). I don't know. Maybe this helps me not be so freaked out over the countless cops I saw over that short time period. Over-kill!!
Sorry to be "down" today. I just feel like I've been cycling since getting out of the hospital. I have one messed-up little brain.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 22, 2004, at 13:07:17
In reply to Mystic, posted by SandyWeb on July 22, 2004, at 10:42:26
We had a phone call today from one of the officers that was at my apartment. He was one of the "angels", if you remember those two from April.
He is going to pick Carly up tomorrow (in his cop car, no less!! Lol!) and drive her over to the horse stables. Then she will get to work with another officer and the police horse!!! They will drive her back home later in the day.
Carly is sooooo excited that her hands were shaking! Lol! I think I'm just as excited as she is!!! WooHoo!!!!! I am so thankful that this officer kept Carly in his thoughts after all this time. This is the most wonderful gift that he could have given her!!!!
Hey, I don't feel freaked out by the cops anymore. *smile* God keeps talking to me, you know?
Hugs to all,
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 22, 2004, at 13:49:43
In reply to How Exciting!!!!!, posted by SandyWeb on July 22, 2004, at 13:07:17
First of all - it really is wonderful to see you posting here again.
Secondly, does that mean that Carly gets the Good Cop? And horse stables - that is so wonderful to be able to see. I used to drive past the State Police stables every day to work and loved to see those beautiful animals.
And last of all - Sandy, I'm very serious here. I know you have opted out of the team and their mighty plans for you. Are you doing this one day at a time instead? One foot in front of the other? You must promise us all - cross your heart just like those bras that only fit pointy boobed women - that if that freakin' veil comes floating your way, you'll either
ask for help yourself, or
ask us for help, and
you won't pretend that everything is hunky dory when it isn't.
And the only reason I'm making these rules is because I love you.
Posted by SandyWeb on July 22, 2004, at 18:44:24
In reply to Re: How Exciting!!!!! » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 22, 2004, at 13:49:43
Hey PartyCloud (hee!),
I'll let you know how it goes with the police tomorrow. We had already been told by another cop that it was impossible for a civilian to work with the police horse due to liability issues. I'm so thankful that cops still have a certain amount of leeway in making decisions. Yippee for Carly!!!
I have some books being delivered from the library tomorrow. Maybe we'll be able to do that "reading club" this time around. I'll let you know later, in the Books section, what items arrived.
Thanks for being so loving.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 23, 2004, at 17:06:51
In reply to Re: How Exciting!!!!! » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 22, 2004, at 13:49:43
> You must promise us all - cross your heart just like those bras that only fit pointy boobed women - that if that freakin' veil comes floating your way, you'll either
> ask for help yourself, or
> ask us for help, and
> you won't pretend that everything is hunky dory when it isn't.
> And the only reason I'm making these rules is because I love you.<Okay, PC.
I'm not doing great. But you know what I did? I called my "team", and I've got an appointment for Tuesday afternoon. I have no idea what to talk about, but I know that I need to know that I'm not hoofing it alone. It was rather scary to cut the cord from my "team".
I'm up and down so many times a day. When I'm up I'm optimistic, and when I'm down I'm suicidal. And I'm freaking out! I don't feel stable at all. So I don't know what the appointment will do for me (might actually make it worse!), but at least I know I've got them. Right?
Why am I bouncing around so much? I can't do it alone, so it's good to know that I don't have to. But my mind's going to be my own un-doing! Ugh.
1. Carly got to ride in a cop car today!!
2. Carly spent a few hours working with another cop and the horses.
3. We are having yummy chicken tonight for supper.
4. "The Jury" is on tv tonight. I like this new show.
5. It wasn't nearly as humid today, although the cop who picked up Carly was having a difficult time wearing his vest. Lol!!
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 23, 2004, at 17:47:43
In reply to Okay » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on July 23, 2004, at 17:06:51
Sandy, thank you for making another appointment with the team. Your ups and downs are absolutely terrifying, and you are doing the right thing in going back to them next week. If they sound like they are going too fast for you with that timeline thing, you are the person in control. You already know that they can't make you do something you don't want to do (or aren't ready to do). Did you show them that document you posted here and sent to me? I can't remember, thanks to meds.
Carly's day sounds really cool! And she gets to have a yummy chicken dinner! It's quite amazing that you can do that when you are feeling so badly.
hugs to you - and was the cop cute?
Posted by mystic on July 23, 2004, at 18:57:31
In reply to Okay » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on July 23, 2004, at 17:06:51
Thank you sandy that was good....so here is mine..it has been a rough day and very emotional..but here goes if you can do it i can..
1.. I got through ok just ok but ok with my first EMDR session with the hottie dr..
2 Immediately after my appt I was on my way to my daughters house to see my wonderful grandson and equally if not more wonderful daughter Melissa..
3.... I spent lunch with my daughter my grandson and a very good friend and her 2 daughters..
4... I made it through grocery shopping without freeking out after my day..
5... I am e-mailing with a wonderful new friend and feeling ok tonight just ok but I'm here I'm ok and that is good..
So thankyou sandy I'm glad we shared..Your freind Mystic....Hey you have to admit sandy it does feel good to get it down to listing at least 5..sometimes difficult but feels good...!!!!
Posted by SandyWeb on July 23, 2004, at 19:01:20
In reply to RE::: Sandy, posted by mystic on July 23, 2004, at 18:57:31
Mystic and PartyCloud,
Guess I messed up. No surprise. Like I said, I'm not very thick skinned.
I'll let you know how my appointment on Tuesday goes. I'm going to step away from Babble for a bit. I could KICK myself for just wanting to cry and cry and cry. Sorry guys.
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 23, 2004, at 19:16:15
In reply to RE::: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on July 23, 2004, at 19:01:20
There are lots of hugs here. It's ok to cry and my skin is thinner than yours, I promise. Take care.
Posted by SandyWeb on July 25, 2004, at 19:22:26
In reply to RE::: Sandy, posted by mystic on July 23, 2004, at 18:57:31
Yikes. You know how I was given an emergency appointment for this Tuesday? Well, the crisis unit phoned on Friday to confirm....and then they just called again today (Sunday). And it was the same nurse! I feel like they are checking up on me to see if they can ascertain how I'm doing from my voice. Now I'm freaked that they may be getting a bed ready for me!!
Well, if I don't post on Tuesday, you know what happened. And I'm really uncomfortable about this appointment too. I feel so unstable, and I'm scared they will know.
We shall see. Well, if I get put in the hospital again, at least I won't have to be making supper every night!! Lol!! It's nice to have restaurant-style food for every meal!
Have a great day!
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 26, 2004, at 6:52:06
In reply to My Appointment, posted by SandyWeb on July 25, 2004, at 19:22:26
((((Sandy)))) please don't be afraid to let them know exactly how they're doing. They won't hurt you, but they can't help you if you put on the Brave Sandy face and glibly accept their "plan", even though you feel you're completely unprepared to take it on right now.
In the meantime, post or email us. We're right here for you.
pc
Posted by SandyWeb on July 26, 2004, at 21:54:05
In reply to Re: My Appointment » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 26, 2004, at 6:52:06
Well, the computer gremlins have been busy visiting my pooter. I have NO idea what happened, but I seem to have lost my Outlook Express. It's still there (all the components are there), but it won't load certain components anymore. DANG!!!!! I have Norton anti-virus, and I do NOT open attachments. I even ran a full scan, and went to Microsoft and reloaded a new Outlook Express. Still FRIED!!! Argh!
I've transferred all my group mail to my hotmail address, but I can't get my personal mail. Boo hoo!!! If anyone sent me a message, you can reach me at sandyweb65 at hotmail dot com.
Jeepers, I even reloaded the entire Windows 98 version that I have!! What the heck happened??
Boy, do I ever hate reading my emails at hotmail. Not the best entertainmnet to see girls' belly-buttons and people smooching when I'm trying to read. *smile*
Enjoy your evening!
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 7:27:02
In reply to DANG! My email is fried!!!!, posted by SandyWeb on July 26, 2004, at 21:54:05
Boo hoo! You means your sprint email? Can you call their tech support? Maybe they can put you on hold for 2 hours and then tell you they can't help? Just joking - maybe it is on their end.
(Good lucky today at your appointment. Be yourself, Sandy, and you'll be OK.)
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 7:52:03
In reply to Re: DANG! My email is fried!!!! » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 7:27:02
Hi pc,
I've got my email back. WooHoo!! Microsoft came out with a brand new critical update last night, and guess what for?? The Outlook Express! Seems there is a new critter that likes to disable your Outlook Express. I have an anti-virus program and I don't open attachments. The only thing I can think of is that I received an email that night that was a picture....which usually pictures are not allowed through on my email due to virus protection. And it was disgusting pictures of teenage sex! I guess there's no such thing as 100% protection against viruses. At least Microsoft was on top of things and had a security patch ready within a few hours. And Norton just had some new virus protectors to download this morning. Phew!! I hated losing my Outlook Express!!!!!!!
Yes, the countdown is on for my appointment today. I feel sick to my tummy. I don't like being the center of attention. I don't like all 4 of them watching me when I talk! I hate all those eyes on me.
Okay, now I'm off to read all the messages that I missed. By the way, did you know that Dr. Bob is deleting whole threads? He must be pretty frustrated by what happened during his absence.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 15:46:58
In reply to Re: My Appointment » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 26, 2004, at 6:52:06
I don't even know why I went to that appointment today. What a waste. I felt like standing up and walking out on them. It was horrible.
Anyways, the sessions are now over with my "team". I knew it was only short-term follow-up. Once the Day Treatment Program begins, I no longer see my "team". After the Day Treatment Program ends, then I begin with someone long-term...if I need it.
I felt humiliated and be-littled in that session. I had the thought running through my head that it's just time to walk out and slit my wrist. What the heck is the darn point? They just didn't GET IT. And then they said something like, "I wish you the best"....and kicked me out the door. End of story.
I felt like crying walking out the door. I felt like crying waiting for the dang elevator. I felt like crying walking all the way home. And then I walked into the store and bought a bottle. I haven't done that in AGES. Someone needs to take the blinders off of these professionals. They just don't GET IT. And there I am, shaking and jumpy...can't sit still...and they just talk crap. Just a bunch of crap. Has absolutely no relevence to ME. What the heck??
So I will pour myself a drink tonight...or maybe two...or maybe three....
I don't want anything more to do with "professionals". Why would I EVER reveal anything to THEM? I can't trust them. They don't hear me. They have narrow vision. And all I'm going to do is say "yes" or "no". If I'm asked to open up, I'm not going to.
I felt like I was sent to the principal's office and lectured at today. Thanks so much! Yup, that made me feel tons better. Job well done, professionals!
Give me some good reasons why I should attend that Day Treatment Program!!!! I'm not some barbie doll on an assembly line. LISTEN TO ME!!! Thanks so much for making it even clearer to me that I should just slit my wrist again. Bunch of crap.
Sorry....I just felt really de-valued today.
Sandy
Posted by antigua on July 27, 2004, at 16:51:45
In reply to Re: My Appointment » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 15:46:58
Sandy,
I don't usually post to you, but I always read what you write.I am so sorry about that blasted appointment. I know what you mean about "the professionals". How can they be so stupid?? But, unbelievably, they are.
I'm sorry about the bottle too. Please, please, please remember that we care here about you. So reach out if there is something we can do to help.
Take care,
antigua
Posted by lonelygirl on July 27, 2004, at 17:33:15
In reply to Re: My Appointment » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 15:46:58
Coincidentally, Sandy, I had a bad experience with a doctor yesterday (and the whole reason I went to him was that I had a bad experience with another doctor last year). I was there for something unrelated to mental health, but man, some of these docs have rotten "bedside manner." It sucks to get your hopes up that someone is going to help you, and instead feel like you wasted your time just by going. But don't hurt yourself because of them, and definitely don't hurt yourself to try to punish them, because it's one of those things like cutting off your nose to spite your face. I can understand why you feel like you need a drink tonight, but please go easy on the alcohol, both for your own sake and for your kids.
Reasons to attend the day program? Because there will be other people there facing problems similar to yours, who will empathize with you. There could be people similar to those on Babble, with whom you can talk honestly without feeling devalued. Maybe it will help. At least give it a try.
Posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 17:57:44
In reply to Re: My Appointment » SandyWeb, posted by lonelygirl on July 27, 2004, at 17:33:15
> Reasons to attend the day program? Because there will be other people there facing problems similar to yours, who will empathize with you. There could be people similar to those on Babble, with whom you can talk honestly without feeling devalued. Maybe it will help. At least give it a try.Sandy, I've heard that from several people who've gone through Day Programmes - that the "professional" help was laughable, but the community you experience with others makes it worth it. Sorry you had such a poor experience today. I wish I'd been there to hold your hand.
Be careful tonight with that bottle - I've disappeared into one of those many, many times.
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 19:43:52
In reply to Re: My Appointment » SandyWeb, posted by lonelygirl on July 27, 2004, at 17:33:15
Hi LonelyGirl,
I hope you are feeling better today. You have so much value, and don't EVER give up on yourself, girlie.....or I'll have to hunt you down and spank your bum! Lol!
You are absolutely right. I may meet other people in the group who I can relate to. I have always said that no one can quite understand unless they've been there themselves. The professionals have the best of intentions (probably), but if you haven't been there.......
Thank you for reminding me that I could meet someone who I will click with. Of course, it's much easier for me to offer support than to accept it.....BUT....at least I could possibly be with others who have similar scars on their wrists, right??? And, believe me, my scar is definately an identifying mark for the police!! It's pretty long and thick and nasty. (And it still hurts).
You are a lovely person. Thank you for clicking my mind over to the Day Treatment group. There HAS to be someone like me there, right?
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 19:53:05
In reply to Re: My Appointment » SandyWeb, posted by antigua on July 27, 2004, at 16:51:45
Hi antigua,
It is so strange that people follow my messages. It feels odd. But you know what? There is also a certain sense of gratitude that someone is interested enough in my story to keep up with it. It's not like I'm trying to keep it private from Babble....although that's an entirely different story IRL (hee hee....just learned that IRL means "in real life". I know....slow to learn, but at least I'm not in the dark anymore! HA!!). Thank you for showing an interest. I will NOT take everyone through the journey that I did just before I slit my wrist, though. That was cruel, and I understand NOW how sickening it was for everyone. I'm sorry if you were involved with those messages. I never meant to do that.
I do not think that I will ever do anything to myself again when my kids are at home. I just had reached the end, and I thought my body would be removed before my kids ever saw me. I don't know. I just wasn't thinking properly. I can't even remember a bunch of stuff from that night. But I thought that no one would see my body in the bathroom. I guess that just shows you how unbalanced I was at the time.
Nothing more to say right now. Thank you so much for making yourself known to me. It actually was rather wierd to know that "strangers" were following my messages without making replies.....but you know what? That's okay. Maybe something can be learned over the long run. And I actually APPRECIATE that someone thought enough of my foolish writings to keep following them. Maybe I have some value after all? Pshaw! *smile*
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 19:59:02
In reply to Re: My Appointment - Sandy » lonelygirl, posted by partlycloudy on July 27, 2004, at 17:57:44
PartyCloud:
You know you're my special girl! I wish I were going to London with you. That would be soooo fun! Of course, I hope you know that I'd have to make a detour up to Scotland (my maiden name is MacMillan, and I grew up in New Scotland (Nova Scotia).....many, many Scottish people here!!
The Day Treatment Program seems like a laugh to me. It changes NOTHING....it is a waste of time to me. It changes absolutely NOTHING about my future. So I die with a smile on my face?? So I learn how to be aggressive....so I die aggesssively?? I don't know. I mean, I see no future. Education is over, money is over, home is over, purpose is over, and the kids have a wonderful future with the rest of the family.....they don't NEED me.
Forget it, sorry. I'm not doing what I did a few months ago....so don't worry. I'm just rambling a bit until Amazing Race comes on tonight.
Love you, hun! You know that!
((((PartyCloud *smile* ))))
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 22:15:45
In reply to Re: My Appointment - Sandy » partlycloudy, posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 19:59:02
I will not take you all on a journey again. I promised you, and I will abide by that.
You know my email if you want to get in touch.
I have to leave for a bit. Today was a bad day. I need to figure it out.
Thanks so much for your support. I wish you all the best. It's a tough trip, isn't it? I wish I could do it for you all! Better for one of us to be suffering than for all of us, huh?
Take care!
Sandy
Posted by yoshimi on July 28, 2004, at 4:57:25
In reply to I am Fine, posted by SandyWeb on July 27, 2004, at 22:15:45
Sandy,
I just wanted to tell you that i did day treatment before and it was pretty helpful. i
tihnk its different for different people. for
me it was good to have the structure and stuff
like that.i am sorry you are having hard time, i totally
understand. im not there now, but believe me i have been. i just hope you are feeling better soon.I have had problems on and off for as long as i can remember. right now is mostly ok for me, and i am happy that im here to experience that. im hoping that you will stick around to experience your upswing too, becasue i truly believe it will come around for you.
lots of people are pulling for you. no need to write back unless you want to, i know you are taking a break, but i thought you might see this anyways.
take care
yoshimi
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