![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 46. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by SandyWeb on July 15, 2004, at 20:11:04
I've already sent this to PartlyCloudy. I might as well share it with the world.
These are some of the things that make me click. Just a sampling.
So now you know that since I've finally CRACKED (as my pdoc so gently put it!), I'll probably remain cracked for quite awhile.
• I remember the gun shot off by my head. It didn’t matter. I don’t think I even jumped. I didn’t care if he shot me. I wouldn’t have cried if he had turned the gun on himself.• It’s a different monster now.
• I reached out my hand as much as I dared. She grabbed it and I pulled her in. And Lori struggled in, exhausted from nearly drowning as well. And the other girl blamed Lori for not trying to save her. And Lori and I looked at each other and said nothing. And now Lori is dead. Someone murdered Lori when she was only 16. They found her decomposed body in the woods, skull fractured. Maybe I should have let Lori drown all those years ago.
• And we stalled on the tracks. All three of us looked at the freight train speeding down on us, blasting away. No one moved. I was trapped in the back seat of a small 2-door car. He put the car in neutral, we slowly rolled down the incline and off the tracks, and the train continued to blast at us as it thundered past. We laughed.
• The body parts of the pilot and co-pilot were frozen too hard. They had to wait three days for them to thaw out enough to work on again. The pilot and co-pilot had been scared. They had been scared. Family members were angry with Zimmerman’s wife. She did not come back.
• I can’t say what I want to say. The two brains don’t work together.
• I can’t breathe, I can’t swallow, I can’t scream when he strangles me. To love and honor, till death do us part. How appropriate.
• I’m going to die
• Boys and their stupid drugs. They thought it was fun to hold me down. They thought it was a great joke to shoot me up. They never did that again. What a waste of a good drug.
• I tested the ice. It broke. I fell in the well. I did not know how to swim. I was bundled up in my winter clothes. My lungs are screaming, it hurts so bad, I’m exhausted. I was only 4 years old.
• So I sliced and sliced. And the cops were pounding on the door. And I kept slicing into this bloody, pulpy wound. I wouldn’t let them in. And I kept slicing. Darn if I didn’t fail.
• The morgue, the morgue. Off to work we go. “It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.” It’s dead around here today.
• I heard a cop get shot. I heard his screams. We had dispatched them to a garage. He was shot almost point blank. Three screams….one short, two long. Terror and pain. More terror than pain. He had a vest on. His heart still stopped twice in the ambulance. He survived. Those screams are in my head. Not like TV.
• He has torn something in my shoulder. Unrelenting pain. Living on Tylenol for weeks. Unrelenting, unrelenting. And still he makes me take care of the baby. The agonizing pain when I left her out of the crib, gritting my teeth so I don’t drop her. Too painful to sleep, to painful to be awake. I hold my smile. No one knows.
• Skin is boiled off the fingertip of the body part. It is positioned over the morgue worker’s own finger. A complete fingerprint can be achieved. The body part is identified as an individual. Her/his life and photo are posted on the board. Lest we forget….
• My mind has two brains. Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. It doesn’t seem to want to shut down, even when MY mind wants to. When the second brain talks, it is dominant. My small little brain speaks quietly/calmly, but the second brain is loud and energized. It enjoys talking. About anything and everything. It never stops for breath. On and on. I quietly make comments to it, but the second brain just overrides it. It likes to talk. And I sigh as MY brain and I try to sleep.
• I can not remember about ½ hour of that night. What happened after I hung up with the Mobile Crisis Line? That was at 12:15am/ police dispatched at 12:43am/ police arrived at 12:48am. I remember them pounding on my door, yelling. My wrist was already sliced open. And I continued to slice. When did this happen? What did I do? Where is the memory? Did the second brain take over? I feel frustration.
• I lean up against a part of the airplane debris. A side of the plane with four windows in a row. All but one are missing their glass. The one still has a double layer of glass, with a strip of rubber buckled up in between. There is green algae on the glass. It has been sitting under the ocean for awhile. I know from charts who was looking out this window. I kiss my hand and touch the window.
• I hear a man curse horribly in my head. It disturbs me greatly. I tell God that it wasn’t me. I ask for forgiveness.
• Outside: I smile, I laugh, I talk happily and joke, I carry on with the day-to-day activities. Inside: I can’t sleep, my head is noisy, I feel like I’m losing it, I feel like I will die.
Sandy
Posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 21:21:53
In reply to This Is Me ***TRIGGER***, posted by SandyWeb on July 15, 2004, at 20:11:04
Sandy, you are a wonderous person to have shared this incredible pain with us. I hope you believe me when I tell you that the past is not where you belong now. The past is to be severed; not through your wrist but from your conscience, This past has brought you to where you are today; but you are not beholden to it. Do don't have to suffer those injuries every time you think of them.. Release those memories; thank them for whatever they were able to teach you. Look to your present life. You have Carly. You have an incredibly supportive family. You have had emergency treatment and a plan put into place to help you heal.
Your life should not be a memorial to your past. Your life is all about who and where you are today. In a supportive environment. getting help from all those people who care. My therapist had me cut the cords that bound me to my painful past. Not literally, I hasten to add. We likened them to cords coming from my middle; I imagine like umbilical cords would be. They tethered me to the memories and pain I felt, tugging at me every single day. A home lost. A country lost. A lawsuit lost. A future given up before it could be realized. A family lost, after I divorced him.
So I cut those cords from myself. With a pair of golden scissors. Bathed afterwads in soothing, healing water.
Then I pictured my life today. A home to live in. A family who loves me. A future, however fragile, that was not dependent on him. I sent tendrils to those pictures. Not cords yet; they are too new and untrustworthy yet; but they will be nutured and cared for as I learn confidence. Skill. Self reliance. Not a rejection of my past, but an acknowledgement, gratitude for what I learned, and relegation to my own personal archives. They are no longer part of my Living History. They are behind me, powerless, having exerted their power and now depleted. I can go beyond these painful memories to my present, full of hope. As yours is. There is an entire team waiting for you in just a few weeks, ready to teach you the skills you need to go ahead.
The spectre of the police was not expected, and it's understandable that you are as upset as you sound. Remember, though; for all their banging, yelling, questioning, yammering; they saved your life so that you could live another day. You have hope for your future. Your family needs you; but more than that; it's not your time to die. you are to live a life full of experiences, both painful and glorious; you have Carly to raise and to imprint yourself upon; you have helped so many people so far in your life - it really is time to let them return that gift.
Posted by ghost on July 15, 2004, at 23:35:22
In reply to This Is Me ***TRIGGER***, posted by SandyWeb on July 15, 2004, at 20:11:04
you fascinate me. someone so strong, who has survived so long, and is continuing to survive. you give me hope. tonight i need all the hope i can get. and so i thank you.
lots of love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:24:02
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 21:21:53
>>Your life should not be a memorial to your past.
PC, this is Definately a quote to remember. BEST advice. I could not echo it enough!
Sandy, wow. i think you have a tremendous amount of strength to have shared such pain with us. Thank you. please take care.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:25:04
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by ghost on July 15, 2004, at 23:35:22
>>tonight i need all the hope i can get.
ghost, honey. are you ok?
"concerned" B2c.
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:44:04
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by partlycloudy on July 15, 2004, at 21:21:53
Hey PC,
Thanks for the beautiful message. I am so glad that your session went so well!!! You deserve many, many successes!!! (((PartlyCloudy)))
When does your husband get back? I'm sure he will welcome your loving arms.
Be good!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:45:28
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by ghost on July 15, 2004, at 23:35:22
Hi Ghost,
Why were you in need of hope last night? Is there anything that we can do for you?
Don't be a stranger, hun.
(((Ghost)))
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:47:56
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » partlycloudy, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:24:02
Good morning B2c,
Thanks for reading my long message. It felt good to air my dirty laundry, as they say! *smile*
Have a wonderful day!
Sandy
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:45:42
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 9:45:28
last night i was mentally calculated how many pills i needed to take to overdose. death is always at my door it seems. i always think about it, but i don't always plan it out.
i don't know what's wrong with me... it' sno one magical thing that makes me depressed and no one thing that makes me manic, it's just that i'm depressed right now.
it's easier to concentrate on others than it is to concentrate on myself. and now that i'm back in with my parents, it's so hard to be myself... i'm hiding these inner feelings deep down and it's starting to tear me apart.
i liked how you told us what made you tick. what makes me tick? hm...
*i couldn't fight him off. i had no more fight left in me. i'd just told him it was over, that i was leaving him tomorrow. i just let him do what he needed to do.
*i couldn't figt him off, either. before i could try to get out the word "no" it was all over. i was too drunk. much too drunk.
*i know i saw a heart rhythm on the monitor. but my partner was too gung-ho with the defibrillator and whatever was there, he zapped away with that second shock. maybe i imagined the rhythm, but if he'd waited a second, i would have known for sure.
*i have nightmares. about things i can't control.
*no matter what i do, i always have to ask someone for help. i'll never be self-sufficient.
*i'm never thanked irl. i'm never acknowledged. i'm there when someone needs to talk, but when i need to talk, the room is emtpy. or people don't understand.
*i'm so very much in love with someone i can never have. it hurts every day. i just want someone i can have, but i could never give myself to someone when my heart belongs to someone else. i don't cry about him any more, but my heart aches every day.
...it felt good to get some of this out. thanks.(hugs)
ghost
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:46:28
In reply to ghost?? ***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:25:04
i kind of posted a reply to sandy you can read... i'm not feeling too hot right now...
Posted by partlycloudy on July 16, 2004, at 17:49:15
In reply to This Is Me ***TRIGGER***, posted by SandyWeb on July 15, 2004, at 20:11:04
Sandy, I just want to say again how very happy I am to see you back on this board. You have so much to contribute and you know (smile) how supportive a place this is.
(((((SandyWeb)))))
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
In reply to Re: This Is Me ***TRIGGER*** » SandyWeb, posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 12:45:42
> *i'm never thanked irl. i'm never acknowledged. i'm there when someone needs to talk, but when i need to talk, the room is emtpy. or people don't understand.<
Oh Ghost, I wish I knew what to say. You are a sweetheart for responding to my post, and I'm more than happy to chat with you anytime you need an ear. You've been through some pretty rough experiences, and I feel for you that you have nightmares about lose of control.
I'm sorry that you were counting those pills last night. I've been there, and I'm still struggling with staying in this world. Some days are worse than others, huh? But we need to focus on the positives, right? Ugh...easier said than done!!! But I'm trying to learn, and maybe we can do this together.
Do you have a dream, Ghost? Is there anything that gives you hope?
Keep talking to us, Ghost. You have value!
((((Ghost))))
Sandy
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 20:22:30
In reply to Ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
Thanks. Today (and yesterday) I just feel like giving up. I don't know why even. I just don't want to be here any more. I wish I didn't exist. You're right in that some days are worse than others, that's for sure. It's hard to focus on the positives when you can't find any.
I made a scrapbook of my trip tonight. It's not as nice as imagined... i wanted car stickers to put in it. i think car stickers would have made it really neat. I did find one car decal thing to put on the cover though, so I guess that does the job. I wish I could show you all and get your input. i did put lots of stars in it. i love stars.
is there anything that gives me hope? not really. the thought of me getting a real job is somewhat hopeful, in that i won't be struggling so much with money, although i worry that my manic inability to handle money will just put me in debt again, regardless of my annual income. but it does give me some hope that if i get this job (i'm SO close to it), i won't have to live paycheck to paycheck any more, and they'll even pay for me to relocate. and i'm hopeful that it'll be a good job where i can do good work. i'd be a technical writier and i love to write. i'd help submit drugs to the FDA for approval (i think), which would be cool because maybe one of those drugs will be the miracle cure that we all need... the anti-suicide pill.
as far as dreams go.. you know, the ones that are totally off the wall and pointless, i love photography. i don't always have the energy when i'm depressed, but when i'm depressed i like to look at the photos i've taken. (I even scanned a bunch in the other night.) but i love to take photos. i want a dark room in my house one day. when i have a house. that'd be so wonderful. i wonder if i'll ever make enough money to do something like that. one day i want to get a really nice digital camera, too. i like the instant gratification of digital, but i love the way the old manual cameras work... i'd love to do it for a living, even.
thanks for letting me ramble.((((((sandy)))))))
love,
ghost
Posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
In reply to Ghost, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 19:26:14
Thank you both for sharing your feelings...it has just helped me tremendously. I was just sitting here...at home, alone on a Friday night, hearing that old familiar voice in the back of my mind telling me that it would just be better to end it all. Despite my decision that, since my one attempt at suicide failed, I am supposed to live, I still keep having those thoughts. I can't seem to get them out of my head. Then I jumped on here to see what was going on and read your stories. It is strange logic, but I know from your stories that you are both of great value to this world. Knowing that and hearing your pain, reflecting exactly what I was just feeling, I think that *maybe*, just maybe, I still have something to offer this crazy world. I know it is odd logic, but it works--at least to get me through tonight anyway. Thanks for that.
The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice. My friend that I live with breezed into the apartment and asked what I want to do tonight, I told her that I need to study. So we ordered a pizza and ate, then she went to her boyfriends house so that I can study in peace. Then another friend called to see if I want to go see one of my favorite bands and I told him the same studying story. I just don't want to be around people right now. But when they go I feel so lonely that it makes me want to die. Does anybody else do this? It just dosen't make any sense.
Oh well, I guess I should at least try to get some studying done. Thanks for listening.
Hugs
Indie
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
Do you want to know something?
I had planned to slit my wrist again next week. There was a certain day that I was going to do it on.
But now I am stunned by the responses to Ghost's and my stories.
Our stories had an impact upon others? There was value in us opening up our past pains?
I never expected the types of responses to my story. I am in awe of you all. You have made me very confused as to my worth. I really saw that my usefulness had come to an end. But your responses have touched me and have given me reason to pause.
I will have to consider this new feeling. I didn't expect my story to have an impact on anyone. I am confused now.
You are a wonderful group! YOU are of value!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 22:28:06
In reply to I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
> Do you want to know something?
I want to know everything that you have to tell!
> I had planned to slit my wrist again next week. There was a certain day that I was going to do it on.
PLEASE!!! Please post, write, call, send smoke signals before you do that. If you just disappeared from the board one day I would live with an eerie feeling, wondering what happened to you and fearing the worst. Trust me...it is not the way to go. My father and three others that were close to me have successfully suicided and it is dreadful for the people around you! I know, sometimes I forget this or feel that it is unfair of them to love me when all I want to do is cease to exist. I even attempted recently. (For which I feel never-ending guilt) However, the thought of another beautiful human being doing it snaps me straight back to reality. It is not the way to go.
> Our stories had an impact upon others? There was value in us opening up our past pains?
Yes!! A great impact!! I was just walking around the apartment to see if there might be a good place to hang myself. After I read your stories, I sat down to reply and now I am going to pick up my studies again and work on them until I fall asleep. I will admit that I am a bit irritated right now that I have to go on living, but your stories reminded me that NO human being should die by their own hand. It reminded me that only a sick mind thinks this way and that it WILL pass. I know it is an uphill climb but it will pass.
> I never expected the types of responses to my story. I am in awe of you all. You have made me very confused as to my worth. I really saw that my usefulness had come to an end. But your responses have touched me and have given me reason to pause.
And your stories have given me a reason to pause, even a reason to stop thinking about it altogether. I guess that is why this place exists. I can show you your value when you can't see it through the fog in your brain and you can show me mine.
For the last several days I have been turning to this forum to hear all of the stories of people who have been in this darkest of places and come out the other side. It gives me hope. Why don't we support one another and let the others remind us that it will pass?? Pretty please!
((((((Sandy))))))
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 22:29:23
In reply to I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 21:58:44
i've grown so attached you you already. I'm glad you realised that what you say really does have an impact. (and I admit, I'm a little shocked that I had an impact, too, Indie.)
Sandy, I'm HAPPY you're confused, if it means you're questioning whether or not to carry out a plan. I certainly would miss you a great deal, because I've grown attached to you and if you went through with it, I don't want it to make me think that I can go through with it, too. If it's that easy for you, who am I to chicken out?
For once, confusion is a GOOD thing...
Love,
ghost
Posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 22:31:19
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
i used to do that a lot, when i was in a position to have friends who'd call me. I think eventually a lot of them just stopped calling me, but when I could, I often turned them down just so I could be alone-- and yes, then I'd bitch moan and whine about being lonely. It was a vicious cycle. Or maybe th epeople I *wanted* to be around weren't the ones calling me. It's tough to say. It seems like I'm never happy no matter what.
I hope you got some studying done and were productive. I know what that was like... I'm only recently not a college student. Nothing like killing a Friday night studying!!!
hugs,
ghost
Posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 22:42:07
In reply to Re: I'm Confused Now » SandyWeb, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 22:28:06
I have to go to bed now. It's a good place to try and clear my thoughts.
I'll get back to you tomorrow. Don't worry. Everything will be okay.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 12:49:04
In reply to Sandy, posted by ghost on July 16, 2004, at 20:22:30
>>I wish I didn't exist.
-i am So glad that you do.
>>i did put lots of stars in it. i love stars.
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********************************i tried to put in other kinds of stars but it wouldn't let me :( sorry.
here are LOTS of hugs sweetheart. PULEEZE hang in there.
((((((((((ghost))))))))))
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 13:06:29
In reply to Sandy and Ghost, posted by Indie on July 16, 2004, at 21:43:13
>>The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice.
Honey, you are sooooooo not alone in this. i am Terrible at doing this. I constantly push people who care away from me. Sometimes i can't stand being around anyone but then i just ruminate on being depressed and alone and the blame game starts to kick in.
Please know that isolation is Part of Depression. this is not you choosing to do this to yourself. it's Sooooo difficult to not get caught up in this. first you isolate, then you blame self for isolation, then you ruminate on all the "hurt you've cause yourself..." this is all the depression talking. It's easy for me to say right now cuz i'm not completely down that path. but when you are there you can't even sometimes see that as anything near the truth. and even though you don't really know me Please TRUST me on this. this is depression NOT you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for anything.!!! got it?!i am sorry you are feeling this down. please remember we're here for you. That's one thing i do like about babble. even though when i isolate, i can come here cuz the interaction is all in my control. i can choose Not to read, or Not to post and i can shut down the computer anytime i want or need to. Just remember that we ARE here if you need us, we're just a couple clicks away! Please take care of yourself.
hugs.
((((((((((Indie))))))))))B2c.
Posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:04:10
In reply to Re: I'm Confused Now, posted by SandyWeb on July 16, 2004, at 22:42:07
Sandy??
Are you well? Are you feeling a bit better? I am. I just worked out and made blueberry muffins. I am going to try and get some studying done now.
I am thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way.
((((((Sandy)))))
Posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:07:45
In reply to Re: (((Indie))), posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 13:06:29
Thanks for the hugs. I need all that I can get!!
I am doing better, I am fighting it. I went out with some friends last night and have worked out yesterday and today. Can't decide whether to study or go to a movie today. At any rate I am trying my best to stop wasting time just feeling bad and do what I need to do to get better.
Hugs.
> >>The sick part of it is that I am alone by choice.
>
> Honey, you are sooooooo not alone in this. i am Terrible at doing this. I constantly push people who care away from me. Sometimes i can't stand being around anyone but then i just ruminate on being depressed and alone and the blame game starts to kick in.
> Please know that isolation is Part of Depression. this is not you choosing to do this to yourself. it's Sooooo difficult to not get caught up in this. first you isolate, then you blame self for isolation, then you ruminate on all the "hurt you've cause yourself..." this is all the depression talking. It's easy for me to say right now cuz i'm not completely down that path. but when you are there you can't even sometimes see that as anything near the truth. and even though you don't really know me Please TRUST me on this. this is depression NOT you. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF for anything.!!! got it?!
>
> i am sorry you are feeling this down. please remember we're here for you. That's one thing i do like about babble. even though when i isolate, i can come here cuz the interaction is all in my control. i can choose Not to read, or Not to post and i can shut down the computer anytime i want or need to. Just remember that we ARE here if you need us, we're just a couple clicks away! Please take care of yourself.
> hugs.
> ((((((((((Indie))))))))))
>
> B2c.
>
>
>
>
Posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 15:01:15
In reply to Re: (((Indie))), posted by Indie on July 18, 2004, at 14:07:45
>>I am doing better, I am fighting it.
Good for you girl! stay strong!
>>I went out with some friends last night and have worked out yesterday and today. Can't decide whether to study or go to a movie today.
seriously??? Honey, honey, HONEY! a MOVIE...Absolutely! it is an MUST! -keep in mind you are talking to QUEEN procrastinator. ;^)
>>At any rate I am trying my best to stop wasting time just feeling bad and do what I need to do to get better.
wow, do you have any idea how far ahead this puts you? this is a Great Step!! you recognize the depression and have some plans to get better or at least to get you through it. this is GREAT.
oh, and did you say you like hugs????
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((INDIE))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
-take care!
B2c.
Posted by ghost on July 18, 2004, at 21:56:30
In reply to Re: ****ghost**** » ghost, posted by B2chica on July 18, 2004, at 12:49:04
thank you. i love stars. i miss talking to you.
i'm hanging in there. i think there's still fight left in me. it's buried. but it's there.
((((((((((((((B2c)))))))))))))
love,
ghost
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