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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by jlynne on March 31, 2004, at 21:38:36
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 31, 2004, at 21:32:25
I hope you will reconsider. . . You're not hampering my recovery - I've been around too long for that.
I'm glad you changed your mind about the knife today.
Are you off your meds now?
I am still here; not going anywhere.
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 0:12:49
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 31, 2004, at 21:38:36
Sandy, I don't know what you read that hurt your feelings so badly, but please believe me, it is ok for you to discuss your feelings here. There have been a lot of posts on the board lately that some people might have a hard time with (including some of mine, if you have been reading them). Life is not a proverbial "bowl of cherries" - and this board wouldn't be of much use if we just posted the "nice" stuff, now, would it?
Hang in there, kid . . . if we get kicked off, we go together - okay? (But, as long as we are civil, that's not going to happen, sweetie.)
I will be going to bed soon (mmmm . . . jersey sheets - have you been following the saga of the sheets?)
Remember, I am on Pacific time, so I won't be up as early as you in the morning.
((((HUGS)))) ((((((((Strokes)))))))) ((((lullabies))))
..jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on April 1, 2004, at 1:44:50
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 0:12:49
jlynne,
You make me smile. *big goofy smile* SEE?
I feel like such a doofus, though.....because here I am again, after just saying that I wasn't coming back to this board. But I have nowhere else to go. What's that say about me?
It is now 3:20am, and I still can't get to sleep. I am getting so tired of not being able to sleep. It's a darn good thing that I'm not still attending classes because I don't think I've gotten 2 winks since I left las t week. How long can a person go without sleep before they go psycho? Oops....already there!!! Lol!
I really feel like I'm going to lose it.
I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it, I am losing it.
Well, at least I ate something yesterday. I had a whole slice of chicken lasagna. Of course, it came out as quickly as it went in.....I don't think my bowels know what to do with food anymore.
Oh, and yes....I'm off the meds. And I don't have a pdoc or therapist. I just have a regular doc that I've been seeing for the past year, when I began to have anxiety issues in January 2003. We've run of gamut of meds, and we don't really know what we're doing. Nothing really works, though.....as you can tell.
My wrist itches from those cuts tonight. The ones on my arm don't itch, though. Good. I don't like knives. I felt like I was sawing into a piece of steak or something!
Oh gosh, I'm losing it. You know, I just want to disappear. Just close my eyes and disappear. I was having one of the BEST weeks I had had in YEARS and YEARS. Both my kids went to Grammie and Grampie's for March Break, and this was the first time that I had a few days to myself since I was 18 years old!!!!!!!!!!!! 20 years since I've had some alone time. It was so good to just have some time for ME. And then....da da da doom....Friday comes along with finding out that I can't continue with my education....ever. So I went from HIGH to LOW.....and the LOW just keeps getting worse with each passing day. Jeepers. What, did I break a mirror or something? Lol! How can so many bad things happen at once? Ugh.
I know I can't get to sleep.....but I want off of this computer.
I'm exhausted from pretending to my kids that I'm still me. They want to talk, they want to be around me, they want to watch tv. I'm starting to snap at them simply because I only want to sit in the chair and stare at the wall.....but I can't do that....I have to pretend that life is normal. I am losing it.
And on that note (lol!), I'm going to hit the pillows again. I'm not tired, though. Maybe I'll play with my toes! Hee hee!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 10:22:06
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 1, 2004, at 1:44:50
Good morning, Sandy. Glad you came back:~)
I need to get ready for work, but I wanted to give you a phone number for a helpline that I found in the internet yellow pages for your province. Might be worth dialing? The listing is under Social Services, or something similar and it is just listed as "Helpline".
The number is: 902-422-2048. They might be all wet, but they could very well have some good direction for you to try.
[If it turns out to be a dud, you can blame me]
You could try writing out what you would say to them, so that it won't sound strange when you say it out loud. You wouldn't have to spill your guts right off the bat, you know; you could kind of feel them out for what kind of help they can connect you with.
You can do this, Sandy. Pretend you are calling me:~)
You can even tell them that "a friend" suggested that you call them.
Or, maybe you already know a better place to call? Maybe your doctor? Or, maybe not - just a suggestion, love.
You're not alone, Sandy. And it is good that you came back.
Baby steps, baby - okay? One at a time:~)
((((HUGS)))) ((((Soft strokes))))
...jlynne
P.S. Do you think you could drink some chocolate milk? or Carnation Instant Breakfast?
Posted by simus on April 1, 2004, at 16:22:21
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 10:22:06
Sandy,
Have you called the number of the church I gave you? I think they are only about 6 miles from you. If you asked me to, I would call them for you myself on your behalf. I know they would either come to visit you, or give you a ride to church.
Posted by SandyWeb on April 1, 2004, at 16:36:37
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 10:22:06
Hi jlynne,
I actually phoned the Helpline this morning, before I even received your email. We must be sisters! Lol.
Well, the Helpline was a dud. The girl appeared to only be about 17-years old, and even though she kept trying to keep me on the phone, I finally just had to tell her that I was hanging up. We really weren't getting anywhere, and I don't think she got it. Oh well, never hurts to try.
I also did something else today. I walked over to the ER. I was almost hyper-ventilating as I was getting closer, but then when I got to the doors....I couldn't go in. I sat outside for an hour, and then realized that there was absolutely no way I was going to get myself through those doors...let alone tell anyone that I'm suicidal. I then walked over to a park and sat in the sun for awhile, feeling like bawling.
So I did try today, I really did. But I can't do this by myself. It's just not going to happen. I felt like whatever hope there MAY have been was just extinguished now. I can't get myself any help. And even if I could, what does it really matter. It doesn't change one thing about my future.
Well, some people just don't make it. Trigger, trigger. I can't live anymore.
It is the most ridiculous thing. I fought all of my adult life to come to this?
I don't think I even have to wait until the 6th now. In fact, the girl at the Helpline even said that wouldn't be a good birthday present for my kids.
I am so sick of this whole thing. I really don't want to post here anymore. But my life doesn't consist of much more than being on the computer now. But I don't want to talk about myself anymore. I'm fed up with me.
And, no....I'm not drinking a lot of fluids either. I just don't have much of an appetite. But a chocolate milk does sound good. Must be the choco-holic in me! Lol!
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 1, 2004, at 17:30:09
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 1, 2004, at 16:36:37
Sandy i don't know if youre upset with me or what but I wanted to say...I care and Jlynne cares a LOT for you its soooo obvious..Please you fought to keep that creep of an EX away from your kids this IF you do it....would be as bad if not worse for your kids.....You loved those kids enough to spare them the aweful way the hubby treated you and think about the mental scars you would leave on them....it would be worse...NOW A PLUS is you did go...and were tense but you tried and made calls and went almost to ER..a few steps at a time and you'll be inside..I wish i lived by you cause I WOULD go take you as your friend to er and help you go on and sit with you till you were admitted....I know what abuse is...my husband IS abusive and you know, the stuff that hurts MORE is the mental crap they dump on you...a slap or punch fades as do the bruises but the scar from a mental/emotional wound doesnt heal when it cuts so deep. YOUR KIDS deserve a mom who stays alive and not to bear the guilt ..so dont do it...Its simply OFF your to do list...call more numbers, go to ER hourly if till you CAN go in...and or ask your oldest to go with you....anything than hurt them worse than he could have.......
Posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 20:07:25
In reply to Re: Sandy » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on April 1, 2004, at 16:36:37
Hey, sis . . . that is funny that we both came up with the same phone number, and me clear over here on the other side of the continent! LOL
You did a lot today, sweetie . . . you took some scary steps. Maybe you need to try and look at yourself from a different perspective now - like, maybe you're not really looking for a way to end your life; maybe you are really looking for a way to *save* your life??
I mean, this all seems like a big failure to you, right? Maybe you just can't see a way past it? and maybe you just can't figure how to face the people you care about with it, huh?
What do you think might happen when they find out about your secret? If we can get that out of the way, maybe we can set aside the idea of suicide, and start thinking about how to get through this, eh?
I am sure willing to support you with that, Sandy.
((((HUGS)))) ((((Strokes)))) ((((Smiles)))) ((((Chocolate))))
...jlynne
p.s. you know, I have heard of the term "death by chocolate!" LOL
Posted by jlynne on April 2, 2004, at 12:19:01
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on April 1, 2004, at 20:07:25
Hey, Sandy . . . I'm still here:~)
Working at home today. I have an office set up here; connected to main office by computer network - - lucky me, huh? (not this computer, tho . . . this one's mine, so I have to check my posts on my breaks, okay?)
[I'm still in my robe, but the clients can't tell over the phone, so what the hey??] Mostly record keeping today, though - argh!
Did you find some chocolate last night?
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on April 2, 2004, at 22:53:46
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 2, 2004, at 12:19:01
Posted by spoc on April 3, 2004, at 12:52:18
In reply to Miss you, sweetie! (nm), posted by jlynne on April 2, 2004, at 22:53:46
Hi jlynne, I'm pretty new here and have decided maybe I should have been stating that and saying 'Hello!' when I barge in! So, 'hello,' and may I compliment you on your big heart? Anyway, I wanted to remind you and SandyWeb -- in case she is still reading -- of the possibility that if it is the only thing that will make her comfortable, she can come back with a new nickname. I know that's not what you'd ideally want to happen, but at least that way she can still have the board to interact with, and have the chance to decide what approach will be right for her, so that she can partake of the good things it has to offer and yet not end up feeling about herself as she has now. That may be better than giving up this source of 'companionship' completely...?
Posted by jlynne on April 3, 2004, at 14:36:36
In reply to Re: Miss you, sweetie! » jlynne, posted by spoc on April 3, 2004, at 12:52:18
Hey, Sandy . . . looks like I'm not the only one who wants you to come back, eh?
Thank you for the idea, Spoc.
Sandy, what do you think? Gonna come back? [Although, the way everyone's been posting lately, it has been kind of *depressing* around here] LOL
I saw on another thread that someone else is planning an 'e' birthday party tomorrow. Maybe we could do that, too, on your birthday - the 6th, right?
We could each get some ice cream and cake, put on our party hats, put on some streamin' oldies (well, that's for me - you can choose your own music), dress up/dress down/get naked - whatever - and PARTY DOWN! What do you think, sweetie??
I miss you, Sandy. Please, talk to me.
((((soft strokes)))) ((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 3, 2004, at 17:48:31
In reply to Re: Miss you, sweetie! » spoc, posted by jlynne on April 3, 2004, at 14:36:36
Cool idea can I come to the party LOW CARB ICE CREAM BARS FOR ME.....? Yes SHE did say the 6th,,,and GREAT idea Spoc..I miss her too Jlynne
HUGS ALL
Posted by jlynne on April 4, 2004, at 1:17:39
In reply to Re: Miss you, sweetie! » spoc, posted by jlynne on April 3, 2004, at 14:36:36
Wherever you are, Sandy, I hope you are safe.
God bless you, sweetie.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes)))) ((((lullabies))))
...jlynne
Posted by jlynne on April 5, 2004, at 0:43:30
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 4, 2004, at 1:17:39
Hope to hear from you soon, Sandy.
My heart is with you, and I hope you are not alone.
((((Sandy))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on April 5, 2004, at 12:50:58
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 5, 2004, at 0:43:30
Hi Sandy - Don't know if you'll read this, but I hope madly that you will keep posting. You DON'T bring us down. If there is even one little inkling of help we can give you, then we will feel satisfied. I know exactly how you feel about wanting to disappear, being tired of pretending to your kids and getting really snappish. I have been there!!!!!
If I lived near you, I would bring you a nice dinner, have our kids play together, give you a shoulder rub and try to come up with a game plan. There's always a plan to be made, PLEASE don't feel bad or burdensome by reaching out. With this many brains together on each others' problems, there has to be a solution somewhere to help you!
Sandy, I'm a recruiter in the healthcare industry. I may have lots of ideas for you, places for you to start, etc. I would love to talk with you about it if you want to get in touch with me. Let me know!
Lots of hugs to you and your kiddos!
~ Lynne
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Posted by jlynne on April 6, 2004, at 12:12:19
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 5, 2004, at 0:43:30
Sandy, I just wanted to let you know that I remembered your birthday today. I hope you are with people who care about you, and I hope you are getting help.
I wish you health and happiness for this coming year, and may God hold you in His loving arms and give you the hope and faith that you need to rise above all the pain you have been suffering.
I care about you, Sandy. May He bless you with the peace that passes understanding.
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by LynneDa on April 6, 2004, at 13:28:11
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 6, 2004, at 12:12:19
Sandy -
Here's hoping this is truly a new birth day and year for you. Out of the worst of circumstances can sometimes come the best of outcomes . . . it just takes time and assistance to get there. Please don't give up and please keep trying to get help. YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!I know it is hard to have hope when you're depressed and feel crazy. I know because I've been there . . . we've all been there. Please lean on us. You don't ever bring us down :-)
~ Lynne
Posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 14:07:47
In reply to Happy Birthday Sandy!, posted by LynneDa on April 6, 2004, at 13:28:11
Posted by jlynne on April 7, 2004, at 10:03:25
In reply to Re: Happy Birthday Sandy!/ from me too (nm), posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 14:07:47
. . . I'm thinking about you today, sweetie:~)
((((HUGS)))) ((((soft strokes))))
...jlynne
Posted by EmmyS on April 8, 2004, at 10:11:30
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 5, 2004, at 0:43:30
Sandy - If anything I've said regarding triggers, and postings about suicide, have hurt you and caused you to leave Babble, please accept my personal apology. My rational mind can sometimes be clouded with childish emotion on this topic.
Please come back and join your friends in Babbleland.
Emmy
Posted by SandyWeb on April 8, 2004, at 15:08:38
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on April 6, 2004, at 12:12:19
Hi all,
I'm sorry if I caused you to worry this past week by not being on the board. Turns out that Dr. Bob called the police again. They came out on the evening of April 1st, but left after a while. But there was a seperate call the next morning, and two more police showed up at 11:30am. And they made me go to the hospital.
So I've been in-patient since the morning of April 2nd. I just got back this afternoon. I am soooo tired. I didn't enjoy being on "suicide watch". And I did a certain amount of freaking out the first couple of days.
I'm FREE now. Yeah!! Finally I'll be able to get some sleep.
The two cops stuck with me the whole time we were at the hospital until I was admitted. They were wonderful guys, and they were quite shocked when they found out that they wouldn't be taking me back home. I just didn't present to them as someone in crisis. Aren't we all just great at hiding our true selves? *smile*
For starters:
Thank you, Dr. Bob, for continuing to seek help for me. It took 5 visits from the police simply because I wasn't willing to show that things were that serious. But I was the "real deal", and I'm grateful for your "interference". Lol. I knew after that one day of walking to the ER and then not being able to enter....that there wasn't much chance I'd make it past my birthday. But I'm still here, thanks to you.....and to those darn pesky nurses who wouldn't even give me much breathing space to go to the washroom! LOL!
And I want to thank all of you for seeing me through this. It was uplifting to come home and to find that you had still been posting to me during the past week. The "professionals" had even told me that an internet board was not the place for me to be going to get the type of support that I needed....but you know what? They obviously don't know Dr. Bob's GREAT community of caring people. I tried to explain that all you wanted was to keep me talking and support me through it, but I guess they just don't get the importance of this type of board. That's a shame.
And finally,
Thank you very much, jlynne, for sticking with me throughout it all!!!! You started this thread for me, and you spent a lot of your time and self in keeping me around. I probably would have left the board too soon without your thoughtfulness. Thanks for being such a great friend to me.
In conclusion (I feel like I'm writing a book! Lol!):
I can't say that I feel "safe" with myself yet, BUT.......I made it past the date I had set for myself. That was HUGE. My vitals were crazy leading up to that day, and I had 3 panic attacks while there. But when April 7th arrived, my vitals drastically changed for the better and I didn't have another panic attack. I made it. I'm still here. Nothing has really changed, BUT....I don't have anymore significant dates. *smile*
Thanks again, Dr. Bob, for calling in the calvery. Totally unexpected and absolutely not appreciated at the time (*big smile*), but....YOU DONE GOOD! Lol!
Now I'm going to curl up in my OWN bed.
Hugs,
Sandy
Posted by gardenergirl on April 8, 2004, at 15:17:38
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 8, 2004, at 15:08:38
Sandy,
It's so good to hear from you. I was hoping that while you weren't posting you were somewhere safe. I'm glad you were. Enjoy your sleep and take care. We missed you.gg
Posted by LynneDa on April 8, 2004, at 15:21:31
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on April 8, 2004, at 15:08:38
Sandy - Thank you for posting. I am really relieved you're okay, my eyes are filled with tears at this happy news :-) You are a valuable human, a mom, a person in need and you reached out to us. You are not a burden & you don't bring us down, never ever think that. We want to know how you are and how we can help.
I'm just so glad you're still with us. One step at a time. Staying alive is your first step and you did it!!!!! Congratulations!
~ Lynne
Posted by Jai Narayan on April 8, 2004, at 16:38:21
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by gardenergirl on April 8, 2004, at 15:17:38
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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