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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:42:32
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:57:49
My life sucks too Sandy..I am new to this thread so I am all duh lol...who is the HE you are talking of??? And you wanted to be a nurse..I bet you can be a good one and could maybe work on a psychward cause the ones on my psych ward were really VERY kind..like they KNEW what hurt feels like
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:00:08
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 17:57:49
Sandy it looks like we are the only ones on and I am lonely...you too? I am in a cold state too walking is good for us...mind and body. Did you warm up yet? Some hot choc would be nice now I am thinking I am going to make some
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:15:39
In reply to Re: Help Me » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 18:40:03
Well, maybe tomorrow. I feel used and abused right now. And I really don't want to trust that the hospital staff would treat me any better than that cop. I was in a real low period of my life, and the jerk nearly pushed me over, you know?
I was going to drink my bottle of sparkling wine tonight, but I'm just too tired to do that now. I just want to crawl under the sheets. But I keep replaying that scene over and over again....I think I'm going to have difficulties in bed when I only have my thoughts with me. Maybe I should take a couple of my daughter's sleeping pills??
I am so depressed right now. I feel like I was torn apart. And it was so unjustified. But I always have received the bum wrap. That cop should have just put his hands around my throat and strangled me like my hubby used to do. At least it's something I'm used to.
I'm so sad. What happened was so uncalled for. And he just walked out with his catty little comments, while I'm sitting in the chair covering my eyes and crying. Good way to deal with a possible suicidal!
I'm freezing again. And I'm tired. And I feel utterly defeated. Try to lift my head, and get whacked one more time. He was just so mean when what I needed was some love. Blah. What a jerk he was, what a fool I was.
Why did that have to happen? I didn't need that. And he wouldn't stop yelling. And if he wasn't yelling, he was making snide remarks. I know I shouldn't put so much value on this stranger's actions, but I can't help it. Aren't the police suppose to help? True, I'm not a tax-payer so I don't "deserve" their services....but I am law-abiding and I was TRYING to be productive. Now I'm good for nothing, and I guess this guy just saw a piece of trash that needed some stomping on. Maybe I deserved it. Maybe I really am a nothing. Maybe I really don't have anything to offer. Maybe it doesn't matter if my feelings get hurt. Maybe I really am as worthless as I feel right now.
How could he do that? What kind of police officer is he? Why didn't his partner stand up to him? He tried at the end, but the BAD cop just talked right over him and made him leave. Well, at least the GOOD cop saw the marks on my wrist...even if he didn't understand what they were. Maybe he'll not share the same opinion of me as the BAD cop.
I know I'll be poking my wrist more tonight after the kids go to bed. I just have to. I have a big scar there from last year, and I swore I would never put marks on places that are visible....but I really, really need to tonight. I just need to hurt myself.
I'm sorry all my messages lately are so down. It would be nice to get back to my old self....but I don't believe that will happen. And the others have called me strong. HA!! I've never been strong. I don't know how I got through all that I've experienced, but it certainly wasn't from some inner fortitude. And if it was, well...that fortitude is long dead.
I'm rambling too much. Criminal mischief, you know. I'm going against the BAD cop's wishes by writing to you guys. Maybe I should stop writing, though. We're not getting anywhere. I'm depressing you all, you keep telling me to buck up and get into the hospital, and I keep saying that I can't do it by myself and that I have no one else to help me through with it. So we get nowhere.
I either survive or die, right? I can't say which way it'll go myself. If I receive any more punches like today, I might as well dig my own grave!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:21:58
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:00:08
It is 9:15pm here. The kids will be in bed by 10pm, and then I can stop pretending that everything is normal. That gets so exhausting, you know?
Hot chocolate sounds good. I'm your die-hard chocolate addict!!! If I don't have some for a few days, I go c-r-a-z-y! Every morning, I enjoy a mug of chocolate coffee while I read my papers. No better way to start the day!
It was actually sunny out today for my whole 2 1/2 walk. It burned my face! It's all red now. Then again, it could be from all the crying! Ha!
Oh, I can't wait until the tv is off, the kids are in bed, I can get into my jamies, and it'll be QUIET. There's always so much noise here with 2 kids. And I constantly have to wear a smile and act just like normal....when inside I'm wanting to scream.
Got your hot chocolate yet? *smile*
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:37:39
In reply to Re: Help Me » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:15:39
Wow sandy I am a slow typist then got knocked off line..That cop I dont know what all he was doing but please let it go or report him or something OR like I said better yet..walk to the hospital....sleeping is good but NOT forever sleep. I swear the hospital was not bad they are nice. No hurting you..its you and me on here tonight I can see...let the cops stuff go and get to er....show them YOU have what it takes and you do...
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:42:46
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:21:58
I got my hot choolate not...heck I was kicked off aol lol so I had lots of time to make it...we didnt have much sun here...it was kinda cold not a sweater day..hahahaha...OMG make some hot choc..Ill wait and get your PJ;s on we can have an online PJ party....misery loves company ya know :) I do not have kids but pretend to be happy a lot..its a chore...AND a bore...but one has to do what one has to do..You love your kids? Thats maybe a odd question yes? I am odd lol.....How old are they? I have pets they are like my kids..hell I even fake I am happy for them...in the hospital it was cool cause I met some people who were worse off than me....made me know I wasnt so bad....
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:45:44
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:21:58
Actually, I just realized that I lied to you. (Guess the BAD cop was right about me! Lol!). I did NOT have my chocolate coffee this morning. In fact, I just realized that all I had today was 6 small onion rings! That's it!! I've lost my appetite in the past week, and I don't even realize that I'm not eating. I should be nice and slim for either my survival or my death. *smile*
I'm scared to go to the hospital. I wouldn't know where to go, what to say. It sounds so self-absorbed to say, "I'm suicidal". What do they care? The cops certainly don't.
And then what? They smile patronizingly at me? Awkward silences? A sighing doctor? And then my self-important statements??
Why save me? I don't even pay taxes! Ha! And when the kids are gone, I'm left out on the street. I don't have a future....why save me then?
Darn stupid cop! He treated me exactly like a child. Or some inferior person. He knows nothing. He's nothing but a bully.
But what do I do if I ever need the police for something unrelated to this? My name comes up on the computer screen, and this guy starts with the unbelief?? And I get treated like trash again? He knows nothing about me. He does not know of any of the things I've been through or of the things I have done. He sees me as welfare trash. He's paying for me to have a nice apartment with nice furniture. He has the right to treat me any way he chooses. But he knows nothing. He may be older than me, but I think I've lived a much more varied life than he ever will. He goes from situation to situation....I've LIVED through periods of giving good and receiving bad. He doesn't know anything about me. Why treat me like he knows what a corrupt person I am?? I'm NOT. I'm a good person. But this good person gets tired when she gets knocked around too often. And all her dreams slip away.
Okay, I could ramble on even more....like you really want to hear this. And remember, I'm not supposed to do this!! Blah! I think only Dr. Bob can tell me to be quiet.
Do you want me to stop posting, Dr. Bob? Because if you do, I will go away and not bother anyone here again. If I'm nothing else, I *am* a woman of my word. I'll promise to leave, and I will. So just say the word, Dr. Bob, if you have any misgivings about me staying here. I'll understand.
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:54:13
In reply to Re: Sandy, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:45:44
lol you didnt lie you forgot..so grab some chocolate and lets chat I am lonely and all...plus youre in he&& so we can talk ...When you go to the hospital go to ER....like I did..they say why are you here...NICELY I promise AND YOU SAY...WHY...then they ask how long, are you on meds, have family and so on....they are nice...you eat...get meds to help you sleep and see a doc in the A.M unless one is on call....Its really very nice all in all and they care and are nice...just like you will be when you are a nurse
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:55:48
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:42:46
Hi ya!
Whatcha wearing? LOL!! I'm still in my pants and top, but I'll snuggle into my jamies once my daughter gets out of the washroom.
Yes, I absolutely love my kids. *smile* I tried to protect my son from hubby, but it didn't always work. I kept hoping he would stop. But once it started with my daughter, it was time to leave. And God opened every door and every window for us, and away we went. And when we got here, the courts gave me SOLE custody because of the things hubby would do. And the courts even gave Nova Scotia jurisdiction, rather than California, because they wanted all matters pertaining to us to be handled HERE. And the judge even told them that once the paperwork was completed, they could even bring it to his house for him to sign. And hubby is not allowed around the kids.
See, I rambled again!! But yes, I love my kids!! Carly is 12 and Ben is 15. They were 2 and 5 when we left. But amazingly enough, I've only aged...hhhhmmmmm....about 3 years since then. Isn't that incredible! ha ha ha
What type of pets do you have? We have a kitty named Cabby. We got him at the vet's. Someobdy left him, as a kitten, in a box overnight on the vet's steps during a winter storm. It's amazing that he lived. And nobody would adopt him because he has a bit of a disability with his hind quarters....he can't jump very well. People want perfect pets, you know. But we loved him, and brought him home. And now he's part of our little family.
What is taking my daughter so long?? I want to get ready for bed.
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:03:22
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 19:55:48
So your kids are basically teens :) hahaha you'll never get in the bathroom again..kids that age hog it I hear....Wow you rock..you saved them from that creep....I bet they love you too and when they get older and REALLY realize what all you did for them they will feel very loved. Hey I am still in my skirt and blouse...so we both need our pj's.....maybe a shower would be nice too...I have 4 cats and a dog a golden retriever all soooo cute they are my kids. I hear you on some people wanting perfect pets cause my pets were all give ups to the pound and rescue and all...heart issues and stuff....Go make hot choc and shower..get those PJ's on Il; be back in 10...well 15 hahaha and you almost sounds like cyber..what ya wearing hahahaha
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:03:45
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 19:54:13
The hospital here actually has a pdoc on site 24 hours for walk-ins. So I guess I would get assessed right away. What if they say that nothing is wrong with me?? I am so bad at explaining things about myself. I always say that when I explain an apple to people, they think that I've just described an orange! I just don't do well with explaining what makes me tick.
Oh, and you have to go to ER triage? Won't everybody hear what your problem is? How humiliating.
And the family part.....I do NOT want my family to know. I'm not sure what to do about that. I know the kids would be okay here by themselves for a few days. I could stock the shelves, and they've been latch-key kids for years now. Would the hospital check to see if an adult was with them? I mean, Ben is going on 16-years old.
Is it like a regular hospital unit? Hospital beds, 4 to a room, that sort of thing?? What if my neighbor SNORES!!! LOL!!!
And what do you do when you're in there?
As for me being a nurse, that is not going to happen. No funds. I've dumped so much stuff down the garbage chute already. All my notes and such. I haven't packed the books because I don't have any large boxes, but they're all fixed up and ready to go. All my supplies and scrubs are packed, though. I told you.....I'm going to be a bag lady. *smile*
In your jamies yet?
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:13:57
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:03:45
Sandy I didnt read the whole thread so no I didnt know...on the nurse gig but you can always go back..after the hospital..btw, cup one of hot choc is mmm mmm good lol...Your hospital may be differnr than mine but it was like part of a floor on that was all psych...and you can say youre an "orange" loland they will take you in :-) Actually, they ask you a bunch of stuff and you answer in a seperate area thats how it went for me anyhow...just say..I WANT TO HURT MYSELF and trust me they WILL take you in. AND IF..IF they ask you in a public area...just ask for a piece of paper..and write...I AM SUICIDAL ...they must keep all confidental
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:23:30
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:13:57
Oh, I like the part about writing it on a piece of paper. That's a biggie for me.....just vocalizing the part about being suicidal. I still haven't done that yet. I haven't said the word out loud, and I don't think that I can.
What do your jamies look like? I'm wearing a mismatched pair tonight! Lol! Purple pants and blue top, all cotton and comfy as all get-go!
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:34:04
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:13:57
I don't mean to skip out on you after you just got in your jamies (hee hee), but I have to get to bed. That alarm clock rings early in the morning. I try to tell it to go away, but it keeps on yakking at me! Lol!
It was nice meeting you. Thanks for helping me get past the BAD cop situation. I was really in a bad place. Thanks for letting me talk your ear off. I know it's going to bother me once I get in bed, but hopefully not as badly as it would have if we hadn't chatted. *smile* Thanks so much.
Take care of yourself and your little zoo of animals! Wow! Can you say "shedding"?? And I thought one kitty had a lot of fur to pick up after. Lol! You must have a couple dozen dust-busters around your house! *wink*
Take care! Enjoy your cool weather. Oh, by the way...what a shock when I was just in the bathroom. I forgot about my red face, and there was this STRANGER looking back at me from the mirror. Ha! I look ODD. *chuckle*
Sweet dreams!
Sandy
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:45:22
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:23:30
thanks for waiting..i am back ..showered and in a red chemise...Yes write it down or print a post you posted on it..take it with you...I am eating cheese and berries lol starberries..want some? wish i had drippy choc to dip them in
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:51:31
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:34:04
Thats ok I am glad you will be able to sleep I take Ambein and was so happy to meet you I will look for you tomorrow...I am clean lol...Yes I sweep everyday. ...and wash all my floors. 3 of my cats have long hair and am allergic to cats but have had the one for over 16 years...not gonna rid of my kids :) Youre really very nice and I feel like I made a new friend. Was your face red from crying OR the sun? WOW if the sun..wow...wear sunscreen now on :)
On the cop deal...scr*$ his tude...youre above that and dont let him win and mess up your thoughts...and hugs my friend ...See ya tomorrow..Hope you go to ER ya know eh?
Posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2004, at 22:08:08
In reply to Re: Sandy » SandyWeb, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 20:51:31
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 22:17:22
In reply to (((((Fallen4AmyT))))) and (((((SandyWeb))))) (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 29, 2004, at 22:08:08
Posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 22:54:41
In reply to Re: Sandy » Fallen4myT, posted by SandyWeb on March 29, 2004, at 20:34:04
. . . looks like you found an angel:~)
((((HUGS))))
...jlynne
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 23:47:25
In reply to Hey, Sandy . . ., posted by jlynne on March 29, 2004, at 22:54:41
jlynne I know I did. I am newish to this area..I usually haunt the psychology section and anyone that knows me there knows I have a creep of a husband and am smitten with my T...anyhow seems Sandy has done what I havent done yet..dump the abusive hubby and she will help me make this move no doubt....I think it a very brave thing to do and to do it to *protect your kids* tells me she loves those kids and thus did a hard thing to make their lives good and safe and happy and well we just click. I wish more people went to the psych area...cause thats where I kinda hang though its kinda empty lately
Posted by jlynne on March 30, 2004, at 0:28:22
In reply to Re: Hey, Sandy . . . » jlynne, posted by Fallen4myT on March 29, 2004, at 23:47:25
I'm glad you found each other . . . and I'm glad I found you both:~) The world can be very cold and cruel when you feel alone.
You both have big decisions to make, and you have each been where the other needs to go now - that is so huge! I am beginning to believe in cyber-miracles . . .
I will tell you both something I used to tell my kids when they didn't want to do their chores: "You don't have to like it; you just have to do it."
((((Sandy)))) ((((Fallen))))
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 30, 2004, at 1:12:02
In reply to Sandy and Fallen, posted by jlynne on March 30, 2004, at 0:28:22
I had a message. It got lost. *sigh* I'm such a loser. I can't even send a message properly.
Guess it wasn't important. I can't seem to do much right in this life of mine.
Pity party...come one come all.
Posted by jlynne on March 30, 2004, at 1:13:23
In reply to Re: Sandy and Fallen » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 30, 2004, at 1:12:02
Hey, sweetie . . . what are you doing up so late?
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 30, 2004, at 1:18:18
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 30, 2004, at 1:13:23
Hi jlynne,
I couldn't sleep. I think that darn tootin cop traumatized me. Lol.
Posted by SandyWeb on March 30, 2004, at 1:30:06
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 30, 2004, at 1:13:23
Guess I'll try to hit the pillows again. It's almost 3:30am. No sleep, no food make Sandy a psychotic loser.
Wait a minute....I'm a loser whether I sleep or eat anyways.
I got so stomped on by that cop. He broke me, and then turned on his heel and left me. I couldn't have felt much better than that.
Okay, cheerful Sandy will leave now. I don't even feel like going to the hospital now. I feel so defeated. I don't think I have the energy to put up with hospital interviews. That would hurt my already broken brain...and soul.
Take care, sweetie.
Sandy
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