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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by philyra on January 26, 2007, at 14:39:48
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons), posted by caraher on January 26, 2007, at 12:42:46
the greatest advice i got about my suicidal feelings was pretty blunt. a pdoc told me to think of them as a symptom of my depression, a signal that i must be feeling pretty bad.
for some reason, that's helped me hang on quite a bit. more even than thinking about family. i do this switch into objectification and it breaks the allure.
philyra
Posted by mair on January 26, 2007, at 15:52:24
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on January 26, 2007, at 0:00:45
Daisy - when I first started obsessing about suicide, my T didn't even factor into the equation. It never occurred to me that she would care. Later, after I'd been seeing her for awhile, I discovered myself worrying about how it might affect her. At first, this was just annoying. Trying to go through the mental process of deciding whether or not to kill myself was confusing and tiring enough, without adding a new complication. When I'm not feeling so desparate, I view it as a good thing - an additional safety valve, that I feel a responsibility to this person.
The other thing I'd say is that while I've never been hospitalized, there have been a couple of times when my T has thrown it out there for discussion. When she first suggested it, I was pretty horrified and totally brushed her off. (so horrified that I went right back to my office and started researching the laws about involuntary hospitalizations). I posted something about it here, and a few people were able to relate positive experiences - at least enough for me to reconsider my kneejerk reaction.
When I was at my suicidal worst, what snapped me out of it was a meds change, and a ridiculously simple one at that. I didn't take a new drug, I just made the slightest modification to the way I was taking one of my drugs and it made this huge difference. I don't know what you're taking, if anything. Have changes been considered?
I'm concerned about the things you've been writing lately. I know you're pretty high functioning at work. I imagine it gets to be exhausting to be one person at work and maybe to your family, when you feel that you're an entirely different person otherwise. I certainly know how draining it can be to have this huge gulf between the interior you and the exterior you. It might not be such an awful thing to have people taking care of you for awhile.
And BTW - I've come to believe that the Admin Board can be the instrument of the devil - best ignored, particularly if when you're feeling vulnerable. It's much safer here.
mair
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 16:47:50
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons) » wishingstar, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 11:03:42
hapykat,
thanks for sharing your experience. I do know what you mean about the stubbornnes and I agree, I think it can be very self-preserving. Sometimes my T will get frustrated because I can be so stubborn, but it serves a huge function for me. Sometimes, it's very important, like when it comes to staying alive.
I was actually just looking through some of my old journals last night as well. I'm not sure if it helped, but it did remind me of some things I had forgotten. It made me thankful I'm not seeing Anne anymore. At the same time, it shows me how long I've been feeling this way (on and off) and that is less than inspirtational. But I do plan on keeping them . Maybe later on they will have more meaning for me.
It really is amazing how many people struggle with depression that we dont know about.
This post feels really poorly put together so I hope it makes sense. I'm just a little blah right now.
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 16:51:58
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » wishingstar, posted by Gee on January 26, 2007, at 11:44:21
Gee, I love the idea of the positive and the negative journals you posted about in the last post. That's a great idea. I also love that you started so young with it (the calendar, etc). If I ever have kids, I'd like to do something like that with them. What a neat thing to be able to look back on, even if it's not all positive.
Yes, the funeral was very very hard. I didnt even know the boy that well and I cried my eyes out. The mother (a single parent) was absoluteiy distraught, could barely walk as the casket was being taken from the church. I cant even imagine the pain of that. I'm sorry for your loss as well. These things can be so hard.
I'm trying to hang in there. Thank you.
Have you ever seen www.despair.com? They have a poster that say something like "it may be that the purpose of your life is just to serve as a warning to others". Hah. I dont necessairly believe that about myself, but it just came to mind. It's a funny site, but you really have to be in the mood for it.
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 16:53:02
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons), posted by caraher on January 26, 2007, at 12:42:46
> Stubbornness is good. Sometimes it gets in the way of positive changes, but it also helps you resist the negative. In a lot of cases I think beating depression is about deciding to be more stubborn than your disease.
>I agree. Being stubborn and persistant enough to hold on and keep fighting even when you're sick of it. That's what I struggle with I guess. But so far as good.
I did get your babblemail and I will respond soon. Thank you.
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 16:54:34
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons), posted by philyra on January 26, 2007, at 14:39:48
> the greatest advice i got about my suicidal feelings was pretty blunt. a pdoc told me to think of them as a symptom of my depression, a signal that i must be feeling pretty bad.
>Surprisingly enough that does help in a way. In a way it seems so obvious, but it's easy to forget. When its your brain that sick, everything else gets flitered through it. Good point. I have gotten some really great ideas so far from everyone here. Thank you.
Posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 19:58:20
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons) » happykat, posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 16:47:50
(((((((((((((((wishingstar)))))))))))))))))
>>>Sometimes, it's very important, like when it comes to staying alive.<<<<***Yes!!!! And that's a good thing! : )
>>>>It made me thankful I'm not seeing Anne anymore.<<<<<
***Sounds like an absolute therapist from hell!:(
>>>> Maybe later on they will have more meaning for me.<<<<***20 yrs from now. You will be astonished at how amazing your life is and how happy you are you stuck around. And those journals will confirm that you are strong and that you came out of the otherside o.k. :)
>>>>I'm just a little blah right now.<<<<
***You are strong wishingstar. You'll make it!! Hoping that you're feeling better soon!!!
Regards,
happykat
Posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 20:02:51
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » wishingstar, posted by Daisym on January 26, 2007, at 0:00:45
(((((((((((((((Daisy))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I'm really sorry that you are going through such a hard time. I don't think I realized how serious it was. I hope you are doing o.k. and are hanging in there.
Your posts have really helped me out and I just want you to know that. I'm sorry you are hurting so much! :( I'm glad that you have a good t. He sounds like he really cares.
You're in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you lots and lots of hugs and healing vibes.
Be well. Stay safe!!!
Regards,
Kat
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 20:53:33
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons) » wishingstar, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 19:58:20
>
> ***Sounds like an absolute therapist from hell!:(She could have been a lot worse, but yes, not too great.
> ***20 yrs from now. You will be astonished at how amazing your life is and how happy you are you stuck around. And those journals will confirm that you are strong and that you came out of the otherside o.k. :)
>
I sure hope so.
>
> ***You are strong wishingstar. You'll make it!! Hoping that you're feeling better soon!!!
>
Thank you. I'm trying.
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 20:55:59
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? » Daisym, posted by happykat on January 26, 2007, at 20:02:51
If I didnt have 2 job interviews on Monday morning, I'd go admit myself right this second.
I can NOT take this anymore. Yes, I'll be safe tonight.. I'll be fine... but its a huge fight and I'd rather just be safe somewhere else. I'm a mess.
But I cant. There 2 interviews are at pretty much the best 2 locations in my area to work (for what I want to do), and its a small town, so if I cancel these, likely thats it for these 2 agencies. And thats not okay either.
Posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 21:12:00
In reply to hospital, posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 20:55:59
I'm sorry, I shouldnt have posted that. I dont mean to make anyone worry - theres no reason to. I think I was just going on impulse wanting someone to hear me so badly. And I know you guys do. But I posted without thinking and it was a little dramatic. True... but still. I didnt mean to act that way. I'm sorry. Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding.
Posted by caraher on January 26, 2007, at 22:57:30
In reply to Re: hospital - sorry, posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 21:12:00
(((ws)))
It's OK, we understand. Stay safe!
Posted by muffled on January 26, 2007, at 23:14:07
In reply to Re: hospital - sorry, posted by caraher on January 26, 2007, at 22:57:30
Posted by cubic_me on January 27, 2007, at 7:35:31
In reply to Re: hospital - sorry, posted by wishingstar on January 26, 2007, at 21:12:00
> I'm sorry, I shouldnt have posted that. I dont mean to make anyone worry - theres no reason to. I think I was just going on impulse wanting someone to hear me so badly. And I know you guys do. But I posted without thinking and it was a little dramatic. True... but still. I didnt mean to act that way. I'm sorry. Thank you all for being so supportive and understanding.
I totally understand where you're coming from. Sometimes it hurts so much you just want someone to know.
Posted by cubic_me on January 27, 2007, at 7:40:06
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons), posted by philyra on January 26, 2007, at 14:39:48
I have two main reasons, that sound very selfish really, but they're what keep me alive sometimes.
Firstly I have a huge fear of being dead. I know that sounds stupid, but I hate to think of my body being found (a burden on someone) and I hate that I won't be in control of it and that it'll decompose. I hate it that I want to die so much sometimes, but don't want my body to be dead.
Secondly, killing myself would mean that people would know about 'me' and my depression etc, especially my parents. I'm a very private person and really don't want anyone to know.
Posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 14:52:40
In reply to Re: what keeps you going? (my reasons), posted by cubic_me on January 27, 2007, at 7:40:06
I dont think those sound selfish or stupid at all. Heck, sometimes I think that if I die, I'd never get to have chocolate again (my true addiction) and I cant say its ever stopped me from hurting myself, but it is something I know I'd miss! Hah. I think as long as it works for you and keeps you fighting, then it's perfect.
> I have two main reasons, that sound very selfish really, but they're what keep me alive sometimes.
>
> Firstly I have a huge fear of being dead. I know that sounds stupid, but I hate to think of my body being found (a burden on someone) and I hate that I won't be in control of it and that it'll decompose. I hate it that I want to die so much sometimes, but don't want my body to be dead.
>
> Secondly, killing myself would mean that people would know about 'me' and my depression etc, especially my parents. I'm a very private person and really don't want anyone to know.
Posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 14:54:39
In reply to Re: hospital - sorry, posted by caraher on January 26, 2007, at 22:57:30
Thank you all for understanding. Really. That was what I needed to hear I think.
I am feeling a little calmer today. Sorry for not posting yesterday. It was more of the same. I went out with a friend in the evening who is quite NONunderstanding about these issues and it was hard, but I guess it's good to get out. Today is a little better, I think mostly because I'm stressing abut my interviews tomorrow. Still struggling though. I will post again tomorrow for sure.
Posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 19:01:56
In reply to Re: hospital - caharer, muffy, cubicme, posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 14:54:39
You've got to be kidding. I called the "24 hour confidential admissions/assessment" line at the all psych hospital. I'm thinking of admitting myself in the period after my job interviews and before I begin working anywhere (if I get either of them of course) to hopefully get myself under control so I can work more easily.
No one answered.
That's not supposed to happen, is it?
Did I ever post here about the time I called a suicide hotline and the girl promised to have someone call back in the morning, and no one ever did?
I'm a full believer in the idea of lookiing at the role you play in issues like this.. but really, what could I possibly be doing wrong? Except maybe I should change my profession from social work to stand up comedy? It'd make a good act.
Sometimes these people make me just want to bang my head against the wall.
And yes, I said things were getting better, but I take it back. Trying to keep it together all day (to prep for the interviews) was too much and the dam has broken again.
Posted by caraher on January 28, 2007, at 19:09:59
In reply to oh this is 'funny', posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 19:01:56
(((ws)))
You're far from the only person this has happened to - but that doesn't make it any less awful. It's amazing the hoops people already having trouble coping often need to jump through to get help.
Let me know when your comedy tour begins so I can see your show...
Posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 19:14:04
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny', posted by caraher on January 28, 2007, at 19:09:59
I cant keep doing it though. I mean... I feel like I've tried everything and nothing will work. Even if I get a job soon, unless something changes, there is just no way I can do it. I cant function that well. And even if I do just show up at a hospital for instance, I'll be there a few days and leave and be back in the same exact spot. I know ideally that isnt how it works, but in my experience it always is. It makes me wonder why I'm still trying. It's just not worth it.
Posted by muffled on January 28, 2007, at 22:25:42
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny' » caraher, posted by wishingstar on January 28, 2007, at 19:14:04
Sorry wishy.
Mebbe give yourself a break.
You will learn stuff.
Things get better.
Just right now mebbe its not good but there will be times of precious smiles.
Ya, you give wishy a break, she OK. Just needs to find light.
You be OK wishy, I like you lots.
Muffly
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 29, 2007, at 17:00:08
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny', posted by muffled on January 28, 2007, at 22:25:42
I'm so sorry I've been out of pocket, WS. And I'm even sorrier that it is so hard right now.
The thing I tried to hold on to during my worst days was, like someone else said, the notion that it wasn't permanent. It felt permanent and sometimes it didn't matter to me that it wasn't, but it was enough to get me through the worst moments. I remember once during the bad year, about 9 months in, having Rosie's new (at the time) show on tv. She told a joke and I laughed for the first time in 9 months. So I started taping her show every day. Sounds stupid, doesn't it?
I hope your interviews today went well. Please let us know as soon as you can, okay?
(((((((WishingStar)))))))))
Posted by wishingstar on January 29, 2007, at 17:51:20
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny', posted by TherapyGirl on January 29, 2007, at 17:00:08
thanks therapygirl. The interviews went pretty well. I posted about them on the social board.
I'm actually having a somewhat decent day today. I felt good about the interviews, got a really nice email from Laurie, and now I'm about to go to ballet class. It's a class that is below my level and it always makes me feel good about myself. I have no delusions that this will last... I'd be surprised if I woke up tomorrow still feeling okay. But I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts. All we can do I guess.
I'm still going to talk to Ginny about the hospital tomorrow, unless somehow I just wake up okay. But those miracles dont happen often.
The idea of taping the Rosie show doesnt sound stupid at all. I used to watch that show every day, years ago.. I think it was before I ever experienced depression though. I bought the last season of Friends recently and laughed through the gag reels the other night, in the midst of all this. I'd recommend it.
And dont apologize for not being around! How have you been? And how is the new job going? I guess it's not so new anymore. I really hope things are going well for you.
Posted by TherapyGirl on January 29, 2007, at 18:31:35
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny' » TherapyGirl, posted by wishingstar on January 29, 2007, at 17:51:20
I'm glad the interviews went well. I am very impressed!
My new job is better than I ever imagined it could be. I *love* the work, I *love* the people -- there's almost no downside.
I finally feel like my life is back on track. Therapy is mostly lighthearted these days, although we are still dealing with those pesky body image issues (I've lost 54 lbs. and am about to the size where I start worrying about people being bigger than me) and my intensity on the job, which is not a huge problem, just exhausting. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking of things I could do better or different or new projects, etc. I really have to figure out a way to pace myself.
And just as an aside, when I was laid off, I couldn't really imagine going through the whole interview-new job-thing. But the job is so fabulous that it gives me energy instead of draining it. Maybe it will work that way for you, too?
Posted by wishingstar on January 31, 2007, at 20:22:42
In reply to Re: oh this is 'funny' » wishingstar, posted by TherapyGirl on January 29, 2007, at 18:31:35
I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying your job and doing so well these days. That's great and you totally deserve it. And congratulations on the weight loss! I'm sure the body image issues will resolve themselves in time, as you keep working on it with your T.
So far, getting the job has helped my mood a great deal. I'm trying not to get to excited about feeling better, because I know it wont last forever - depression cant just disappear in a day. I've fallen into this trap before. But I'm trying to enjoy it while it lasts. I'm planning to talk to Ginny in the morning and barring any major revelations about why I shouldnt take it, call and accept the job in the afternoon. :)
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