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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by wishingstar on September 6, 2006, at 19:42:42
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » wishingstar, posted by pegasus on September 5, 2006, at 18:45:30
oops! Guess I should read the rest of the follow-up posts before responding. So glad you heard from him. :)
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:44:18
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 13:00:34
You are right. I've been thinking all day about what I want to talk to him about. And actually I've been working on that in therapy too recently. And, you know, I just don't know exactly. I don't think it's about discussing any particular thing. I think it's just about wanting that connection still, and not being fully satisfied with my current therapy. And maybe about getting somewhat of a reality check. Does it still feel good to talk to him? That kind of thing.
I'm going to think about it more, and I'll let you guys know what I tell him.
Thanks so much for your feedback, Dinah. You are right. I was making it what I thought he wanted to hear. But I need to make it what I want to say.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:46:52
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!!! » pegasus, posted by frida on September 6, 2006, at 19:23:20
Well, what I truly and honestly want is for him to tell me that he's really glad to talk to me, and that it's perfectly ok that I still want to have a connection with him, and that we can talk whenever I want to! But I can't tell him what to say. So, I guess I need to think about what I want to say, and leave his response to him. But you have good advice.
I'll post again when I've concocted my reply. Thanks so much!
p
Posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 22:00:47
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » Dinah, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:44:18
I cannot tell a lie.
I wasn't *precisely* advocating total honesty.
I was more suggesting that you figure out the truth for yourself, and be as honest as you can in the best format designed to elicit the response you wish.
It's just that you need to be clear what it is you wish in order to do that.
I blush at my pragmatic nature.
But I console myself with the thought that my therapist is similarly pragmatic with me.
Posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by pegasus on September 6, 2006, at 21:46:52
If it was me I think this is what I'd say:
"There has been something missing since we said good-bye. I've tried to work on it in my current therapy - what is different, what worked for me and why I want to talk to you. But the simple truth is...it is you that is missing. I miss you. I miss our connection. I just wanted to touch base with you, see how you are and tell you how I am. I guess I also wanted to check out the reality of my memory, of how easy it was to talk with you. I hope that isn't too much to wish for."
Whatever you write, just let your feelings show. I think what you originally wrote was beautiful.Daisy
Posted by muffled on September 6, 2006, at 23:53:54
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
Dunno what to say other than I so gladd he called back.
Dinah and daisy said some good stuff. I agree with them.
Take care and I hope it goes well for you.
Muffled
Posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
I like what Daisy wrote, I think I might use it someday for me. Could it just be you want to connect with him because you miss him? Maybe that is all it really is, you miss him. Don't know , just guessing, putting myself in the same situation. ((((( Pegasus))))
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:45:15
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
Here's what I ended up writing:
"Thanks for considering a session. I was pretty nervous about asking. Yes, I am still working with the same therapist. We've been talking about why I want to talk to you. There seem to be many answers, none of which feel right or wrong. It's like a koan. I'm tired of talking to her about talking to you. I told her that I was going to ask you, and she agreed that it might be helpful.
In terms of what we would be discussing . . . I would like to hear how you're doing and tell you how I'm doing. I'd like to talk about how I miss you, and how therapy feels different now. I'd like to hear what you think about some things that have come up in my therapy recently. That type of thing."
And that took me all night to write . . .
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:47:57
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Dinah on September 6, 2006, at 22:00:47
Oh, don't be embarrassed about being pragmatic! I think it's excellent to be able to balance idealism and pragmatism, which you seem to do very well. I mean, that's how we get through the world intact, right?
I think I did as well as I could being honest, while not going into details that might scare him off.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:50:38
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 6, 2006, at 23:40:01
What you wrote is so beautiful and from the heart. I almost copied it verbatim, but then I decided to take the parts that felt right for me and put them into words that would actually come out of my mouth. I'm afraid that I'm not nearly as warm and open as you.
But thank you so much! That is what I was trying to articulate. It is constantly comforting to me to know that you *understand* this crazy-seeming attachment.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:51:26
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:50:38
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:53:34
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by happyflower on September 7, 2006, at 6:01:42
You're right. Daisy's words were beautiful and right. And it is mostly just about missing him. Although I've missed him constantly since he left, so that maybe doesn't explain why I'm asking *now*. I guess it took me three years to work up the nerve. I shoulda said that!
Thanks so much for your support. This is scary and sort of exciting.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 16:22:26
In reply to Here's what I said, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:45:15
So, after a great therapy session today, I have a much better feel for what I want to talk to him about. I just sent him this revision:
"OK, scratch that. What I want to talk to you about is the way my therapy with you ended. I need to explain what I've figured out about what was going on for me, and I need to ask you some questions about your experience. I have a theory about why this is coming up now, although it's kind of complicated and deals with some things in my life that you and I didn't talk about much. I'd be happy to explain it to you if we do a session.
What I said before is also true, but after reflecting more, this feels like it gets closer to the heart of it."
I think that if I get one session, this is what I need to make sure we talk about. I was trying to avoid it because I feel guilty enough about how often I've told him about the pain of his leaving. But when we got to this issue in therapy today, it was still such an exposed nerve.
I hope you guys aren't sick of me yet. It's been so helpful to have a place to take my crazy thinking about this. I'll let you know when I get an answer.
p
Posted by annierose on September 7, 2006, at 17:21:46
In reply to Sent a revision, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 16:22:26
I've been following this thread and wanted to post but unsure of what to say.
Just be aware, that "one" session may open up an entire GIANT can of worms. After leaving my T (on bad terms) I decided to call her to have that final session (15 years later) and 2 years later ... I'm still seeing her.
I remember telling her on that first session (after the long departure) "I just wanted to say good-bye. I left your office not even saying good-bye. And I wanted to let you know that I am okay and needed to know that you are too."
And after I left her office, my insides were reeling. I was excited, scared, so completely unsure of what the next step should be ... but of course I made another appointment, and another after that ....
Please let us know his reply and what happens if you just speak on the phone or schedule an appointment. When I spoke to my T on the phone for the first time, I said, "Your voice sounds so different." She said, "Well you sound exactly the same and I'm excited to see you again." I was so happy she said that --- you can imagaine!
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that you get what you need from this phone call or session.
Posted by muffled on September 7, 2006, at 23:04:00
In reply to Sent a revision, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 16:22:26
Posted by Daisym on September 7, 2006, at 23:39:00
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say!, posted by pegasus on September 7, 2006, at 8:50:38
Peg,
I think both things you wrote are great. I'm sure he will want to talk to you since he is so central to what is happening in your work in therapy right now.
I can imagine it would still be an exposed nerve. I've spent the bulk of the last month reprocessing my attachment and trying to get comfortable with it all over again. Everytime something changes, I do this whole angst thing, trying to understand WHY I feel so deeply for my therapist. Today I asked him how long it would be OK for me to stay this attached. He said,"all the way through. And beyond that. I see it as fundamental to our work. And it's not only OK with me, I encourage it and hold it as a sacred trust." It is a connection not easily broken, so it makes total sense to me what your need is to touch base and reaffirm a few things. I hope it goes well.
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 9:34:18
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 7, 2006, at 23:39:00
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 9:36:16
In reply to Re: Sent a revision » pegasus, posted by annierose on September 7, 2006, at 17:21:46
Dang it, I wrote a reply to you and it didn't make it. Hate when that happens. But I wanted to say that I'm glad that your exT was so welcoming when you went to say "goodbye". That's my fantasy about this situation, but so far he's being a lot more distant. Oh well.
p
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 9:39:24
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 7, 2006, at 23:39:00
Thanks so much again Daisy. Yes, you get it. Why do so many Ts not get it? I guess they haven't been there. But it restores my faith in Ts to hear how well your T does seem to understand.
Now, my own exT clearly isn't getting it, and that's part of my challenge. I need for him to understand. So, I'll try to figure out what I can say, and how I can ask him to please try very hard to hear and acknowledge me. Maybe if he at leasts gets how important it is to me for him to understand - even if he doesn't actually understand - it'll help me get closer to healing.
p
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 9:44:31
In reply to Re: He replied!!! Help me figure out what to say! » Daisym, posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 9:39:24
I think you have something there. I always feel better if my therapist understands what I'm saying and that it's truly my experience, even if he doesn't accept it as a universal truth.
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 14:40:15
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » pegasus, posted by Daisym on September 2, 2006, at 15:20:35
> I think we imprint the therapist(s) we get close to in ways that can't be articulated nor fully understood.
>
> The research is interesting in that patients (clients) who get better, often do so by imitating a particular characteristic of the therapist they are attached to, and the stability of that therapist is what keeps the client together. And this can't be just "switched" to anyone else.Is this the research by Alan Schore, and related research?
Posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 22:20:23
In reply to Re: Asked ex-T for phone session » Daisym, posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 14:40:15
This is so awful feeling. I didn't hear anything back again today. I left the two emails yesterday, and then this afternoon I started thinking that if he'd gotten them he would have replied in some way. And I hated the idea of being left hanging for another weekend. So I called him and left a message saying a shorter version of what I said in my second email. I thought he'd call back, or at least email. In my voicemail I mentioned that I'm pretty anxious for a response, but that I know he's busy and I'd try to be patient. The truth is that this waiting is very painful.
I think he's going to say no. I mean, if he were really willing, wouldn't he have answered in some form by now? He never blew off phone calls when I called him in the past. Although, of course, then I was actually a client. I guess now I don't count so much anymore, which really feels awful. I feel so damn pathetic. And . . . I'm getting angry.
I'm tired of this drama, and I wish I hadn't asked him after all.
p
Posted by Dinah on September 8, 2006, at 22:25:04
In reply to Left hanging for another weekend, posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 22:20:23
Maybe he's thinking again. The last time it worked out ok, so I hope it does this time as well.
Posted by pegasus on September 12, 2006, at 10:40:56
In reply to Left hanging for another weekend, posted by pegasus on September 8, 2006, at 22:20:23
I couldn't post or do anything yesterday because I was so depressed. But I finally heard from him, and he said he'd be happy to do a session. Whew! I'm so relieved, and feeling quite happy today. Even though I'm still annoyed that I had to hang for so long waiting for an answer.
Of course, he now charges an arm and a leg, and insurance won't cover a phone session. But oh well. And he was Mr. Boundaries in his email. Which is fine, other than that a warmer reception might have felt good. But I can understand his concern.
He asked if he could know who I was working with now (I've previously declined to tell him who it was). So I told him, and told him I was fine with the two of them talking. He said he was glad I was working with her and that he'd always liked her. Yay! I was worried he'd think she was a flake or something and that I'd chosen poorly.
This morning in a half waking state I realized one aspect of why I'm asking to do a session now. It's because in my recent work fiasco (where my boss suddenly gave my job to a junior person while I was on vacation) I was reexperiencing the unexpected end of my therapy with my ex-T. And that episode itself was a reliving of an abandonment event from when I was a little kid that has been a big influence all of my life. Not only that, but it was five years ago on Thursday that I started working with him. So, I guess I have that part of his question answered.
Now, of course, I'm nervous about the session itself. But that's another story, for another thread.
Thanks everyone for holding my hand through this. It was very painful, and you were incredibly helpful.
p
Posted by annierose on September 12, 2006, at 14:34:22
In reply to Ahhh . . . he said ok. Whew!, posted by pegasus on September 12, 2006, at 10:40:56
I'm happy for you that you'll be able to have that phone session. Please let us know how you feel afterwards --- I'm a bit curious as I have done the same, but I wasn't working with another therapist at the time and my former T was still closeby.
This might (as it did me) really open something up. Be careful as you are working with someone else. All my feelings for her, about her came back very fast and very strong.
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