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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 27 to 51 of 57. Go back in thread:
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 15:47:30
In reply to I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:56:09
Oh by the way, my marriage was also like yours now.
My DH never phsically assulted me. My marriage has never been like yours.
>
> I think you are in the same state too. I think you really are not capable of all the emotional investment needed for a marriage to work at this state - with your mind full of your T. It really isn't possible to try to work out a marriage fully when your heart is full with another guy. Subconsciously you might be sabotaging your own efforts.You are way off base here. This is extreamly critical and demeaning to say this about me. My mental state has never been like yours. My mind is not full of my T. My heart is not with another guy. I have never been so insulted in my life and for someone who says they are nice. Well if you are being so nice, I hate to see what you say when you aren't nice. I might get a PBC here, but you are very rude and unsupportive and I don't need that from anyone.
> Think about it more, and I think you need to wait atleast until a year after your therapy terminates and you stop seeing your T, to come to a realistic conclusion about your marriage.YOU ARE TELLING ME TO BE REALISTIC? JUDGE YOUR YOUR OWN ACTIONS IN YOUR OWN MARRIAGE BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME ABOUT MY MARRIAGE. I wouldn't be so rude to tell you what I think you realistically should do in your marriage.
Posted by Voce on December 13, 2005, at 16:19:52
In reply to *****voce****please read, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 15:38:05
Even if you don't want to post anymore, would you at least consider leaving your babblemail on?
Posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 16:46:47
In reply to Re: *****voce****please read » happyflower, posted by Voce on December 13, 2005, at 16:19:52
I am sorry, voce, I just don't feel safe here anymore and I don't feel safe having my babble mail on. With the sh*t I get on the boards, I don't want to hear from the same people in my email. I don't mind you having my personal email, you have never been rude to me, and I feel safe for you to have it. I have had enough abuse in my life, I don't intend on taking emotional abuse from anyone either. I was already hurting because of my marriage, and didn't think I could hurt anymore than I already feel, well, I was wrong. Happyflower doesn't exhist, just abusedandsadflower. Thank you again for your babblemail. I wish more people would stand up for what is right.
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 17:28:41
In reply to Just never mind Goodbye, I am leaving, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 14:34:15
> Kinda like getting smacked around, after awhile you have enough of it. Some of you have been wonderful to me, but the few that haven't, who are judgemental and critical is ruining it for the others.Dinah here, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob.
I understand that you're upset and I respect that. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask that you follow the civility guidelines of the site. Please don't post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down. If you have any questions about the civility guidelines, they can be found at:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Any comments on this post, or on other administrative matters, should be directed to Psycho-Babble Administration board.
Posted by allisonross on December 13, 2005, at 17:35:14
In reply to Please be civil » happyflower, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 17:28:41
Hi, Voce: HappyFlower wants you to know that she wants to talk to you, and wants me to give you her personal e-mail. You can e-mail me: wacalice@aol.com
Hugs, Ally
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 17:53:50
In reply to Please be civil » happyflower, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 17:28:41
Dinah here, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob. Comments about the PBC should be directed to Administration. I've moved one post there so here's a link.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20051205/msgs/588744.html
Please follow all redirects about the civility of posts to Administration. Those posts should, of course, themselves be civil.
Posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 19:03:00
In reply to I think you should give it more time. » happyflower, posted by orchid on December 12, 2005, at 20:56:09
> I think you really are not capable of all the emotional investment needed for a marriage to work at this state - with your mind full of your T.
Dinah here, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob.
Orchid, on second reading of this sentence, I think I'm going to have to ask you to please be supportive.
If you have any questions about this Please Be Supportive, or if you're interested in alternate ways of expressing yourself, please direct all followups to Administration. All followups should of course be civil themselves.
Dr. Bob is of course the final arbiter of all deputy decisions. And he may decide to reverse this decision.
If you're interested in reviewing the civility guidelines, they can be found at:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Thanks,
Dinah
Posted by orchid on December 13, 2005, at 21:21:22
In reply to I think you think very negatively of me » orchid, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 10:33:20
Hi HF,
First I am sorry yet again to have offended you. I seem to have been doing that again and again to you. And I keep promising to myself that I won't do it again, but here I go - doing it yet again.
Actually I didn't think it was being unsupportive at all. I meant the whole thing in a very casual tone, not accusive at all. But it came across differently.
I don't think for one moment you are an airhead or something like that.
But it was my perception - seeing your posts on this board, that you are fully into your T right now and have been thinking of him quite a lot. So I thought this is not the right state of mind to come to a conclusion about your marriage. It was just IMHO kind of post and not judgemental. As you said, perhaps I am being way off base.
I didn't think you made the decision lightly too, I just thought perhaps you are making it when you are in a very emotional state of mind, and thought perhpas you should give more time for things to cool down before making a drastic decision about marriage.
But apart from that, as to what you said about my marriage, well, the thing is I am from a different country and a totally different culture. If I get a divorse, the chance of remarriage is extremely slim for me here. And I can't marry outside my country or race because of my own preference. I just wouldn't feel comfortable marrying someone outside my country. So I have to take that into consideration when I plan my actions about my marriage. Plus, there are things about my hsuband which are extremely nice. And I know he physically assaulted me, more than a few times. But he still is a nice person at heart. Maybe I wouldn't have taken it if I were originally from the Western world. But I have lots of other issues to consider, about my society and my family and friends here, and it is just not an easy decision to take about a divorce. If I get a divorce, it will not only affect me, but my parents, my relatives etc - everybody here. And I was the first girl from my family circle who did something totally different and married out of love, and went to the US etc. If my marriage fails, I not only affect my immediate family, but I will also end up being a bad excuse for many of my cousins who are planning to be free and independant - for their parents to prevent them from what they want to do. I feel responsible to many of my cousins (girls) and the society and since I was the first one to go out and change, I want to be a good example so people can follow.
You may not be able to fully picturize what I am talking about, but it is just perhaps very different.
So I think I was projecting that same kind of caution on to you as well. But as you said, you are in a different state - you don't have the same kind of restrictions and limitations that I have. So maybe it just does'nt apply to you. You are much more free to enjoy and explore and choose the life you want than I am. I should have taken that into consideration before airing my views.
But given all that, I am sorry again. And I think it might be best for you if I don't post to you anymore. I keep getting off base about your posts - partly because of my experience and my issues and as you said, my poor self esteem. And it has happened quite a few times.
It was good talking to you around here.
Take Care
-Orchid.
Posted by AuntieMel on December 14, 2005, at 10:43:29
In reply to Re: wow; big decision » Dinah, posted by happyflower on December 11, 2005, at 16:11:07
I think I have a bit of a clue what it feels like, though my divorce was years ago.
It doesn't matter how much you want this, or that it is your decision, just as it didn't matter much that it was my decision to get mine.
There is still a period of mourning for what could have been, for the hopes that you used to have. And no matter how hard you tried to keep things together there is an inevitable feeling of failure.
Take good care of yourself while this is going on. And - from experience - allow yourself the time to mourn.
Posted by Pfinstegg on December 14, 2005, at 12:30:51
In reply to Re: my sympathies » happyflower, posted by AuntieMel on December 14, 2005, at 10:43:29
was very distressing, at least to me. I have loved hearing about your growth as a person, and a woman, and would be very sad not to hear from you again. Everyone's marriage is different and complicated, and for you to make the decision you did took tremendous courage and strength- qualities you have obviously always had, but which really seemed to have grown, even a lot more, during the past year. I respect it completely. You are really the one- the only one- who knows what will be best for you. Your life has blossomed out so much in just a year; you are still young, and if separation and divorce seems right to you, I trust your decision. There will be a lot of joy and fulfillment ahead for you, despite the grieving you are doing now. Guys seem to really like you- and your husband may have huge, unaddressed problems with intimacy in marriage. How about keeping on posting? If you don't, I'm really going to miss you!
Posted by Tamar on December 14, 2005, at 17:37:55
In reply to Re: *****voce****please read, posted by happyflower on December 13, 2005, at 16:46:47
Happyflower, I’ve been struggling all day to find the right words. And I still don’t know if I’ve found them.
I want to speak so gently to you… I’m afraid that whatever I say might come across wrong. And the last thing I’d want to do is hurt you.
But I also don’t want to ignore you out of fear of hurting you, and maybe I can find some words that are adequate.
I’ve heard a lot of pain in your posts in the last few days. I’m sure that you’re having a very rough time at the moment. You need a lot of love right now and it’s hard to find. I wish I could find ways to be more supportive. But at the very least, here are some hugs: (((((Happyflower)))))
I hope you don’t go away for good. I really hope you come back, because beneath your anger there’s a lot of pain, and it’s always easier for us to respond to pain than anger. And also, I’d miss you. A lot.
Please look after yourself; I’ll be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by annierose on December 14, 2005, at 18:35:44
In reply to What happened on this thread..., posted by Pfinstegg on December 14, 2005, at 12:30:51
Please know that we are all thinking of you. It's a crazy time of the year. You made a huge decision and I hope you feel supported by most of us here. I hope you are able to see your T sooner, rather than later.
When I saw my T 16 years ago, I quit mid-session. Just walked out and never spoke to her again (until 2 years ago). A month later my husband left me for another woman. I know that feeling of being left alone, with no support system in place. It's lonely. I did call another therapist. But it didn't feel the same, she wasn't "my" T. I know your situation is different. You are leaving your marriage because he doesn't want to move forward in the same direction as you. But it's still hard no matter what.
I hope you write back after your block. We'll miss you.
Posted by Voce on December 16, 2005, at 15:24:47
In reply to Re:(((Sad Flower)))), posted by annierose on December 14, 2005, at 18:35:44
If you are reading I want you to know:
Ally, I hope you respond to my e-mail soon. I really would like to continue communicating with you and I also really would like to get Happy Flower's e-mail address. I hope your silence towards me doesn't have anything to do with the fact that I still participate in Babble, while you expressed your desire to leave.
HappyFlower, I'm trying to get your e-mail address...
Voce.
Posted by terrics on December 18, 2005, at 23:27:42
In reply to Redirect to Administration, posted by Dinah on December 13, 2005, at 17:53:50
Just dropping in to visit although I am planning to return soon.
I hope every thing goes ok for you. Happy holidays.
terrics
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:31:22
In reply to Re: my sympathies » happyflower, posted by AuntieMel on December 14, 2005, at 10:43:29
Thank you Auntie, I don't get to talk to ya much, but it sounds like you know exactly how hard it is. In a way losing someone you love is harder than losing love from a parent who never loved you in the first place. Thank you for your support. :)
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:33:14
In reply to What happened on this thread..., posted by Pfinstegg on December 14, 2005, at 12:30:51
Thank you for your understanding and support, it meant a lot to me. :)
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:35:43
In reply to HAPPYFLOWER » happyflower, posted by Tamar on December 14, 2005, at 17:37:55
Tamar, you are truely wonderful and I am so glad I got to know you through these boards. I always enjoy getting your feedback on my posts. You just seem to know the right things to say.((((((Tamar))))) I am so sorry you are stuggleing right now. I hope you will have some happiness this Christmas. :)
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:38:58
In reply to Re:(((Sad Flower)))), posted by annierose on December 14, 2005, at 18:35:44
Thanks Annie,
I did get in to see my T, in fact I have seen for 2 weeks in a row plus tomorrow too. He doesn't really want me on these boards anymore, but it is my decision. I am still thinking about it. I still want to support others,(people I have come to love here) but yet I am too scared anymore to post what is going on in my life lately. Thank you for your support, it means a lot.
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:40:51
In reply to To Allison and Happy Flower, posted by Voce on December 16, 2005, at 15:24:47
Hi Voce,
You were my rock that got me through this block. Thank you for reaching out to me, you are a gem! :)
Posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:42:21
In reply to Just saying hello Happy flower, posted by terrics on December 18, 2005, at 23:27:42
I am trying to be okay, I don't want to talk about it much. But I will be fine, I am a survior. Thanks for asking though.
Posted by Dinah on December 20, 2005, at 21:38:33
In reply to Re:(((Sad Flower)))) » annierose, posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:38:58
I'm glad that your therapist was able to increase your sessions to help you through this rough time.
Posted by ClearSkies on December 21, 2005, at 7:48:39
In reply to Re: my sympathies » AuntieMel, posted by happyflower on December 20, 2005, at 19:31:22
I did not get a chance to add to the original thread, but I know what a hard decision you have made with your marriage. I think that making that decision to end my 18 year marriage was one of the most empowering things I have yet done.
(((happyflower)))
Posted by fairywings on December 21, 2005, at 10:03:54
In reply to Welcome back happyflower, posted by ClearSkies on December 21, 2005, at 7:48:39
HI HF! Boy am I slow, or what? Sorry I didn't welcome you back sooner! I hope you're feeling better, I know this has been a really rough time for you.
FW
Posted by happyflower on December 21, 2005, at 11:20:43
In reply to Welcome back happyflower, posted by ClearSkies on December 21, 2005, at 7:48:39
Thanks clearskies! :) Where did ya find the courage? Did you have kids to think about?
Posted by happyflower on December 21, 2005, at 11:22:41
In reply to Re: Welcome back happyflower, posted by fairywings on December 21, 2005, at 10:03:54
Thanks :) Not better, but I am alive, right?LOL
I guess I have had too much cogentive therapy! Ha ha! get it? LOL
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