Posted by susan47 on March 13, 2009, at 19:06:20
I am so sorry I came into your office today and left a note asking you to call me. Because I know it seems crazy to someone like you, the whole thing the everything that I am and that I was for the last several years, many years have gone by now, it feels like too many to count well, but it must be at least six. It can't be that, can it be that? I have been crazy my whole life, and in November/December of 2008 I had a glimpse of Sanity, what it must be in thought process, to be Sane. And I saw that I couldn't live with Who I Was at that time. Please forgive me for being that.
Today, I wanted only to share with you the lovely things that have been said about me, and express to you that I need, Need, to be that person again. The one who functioned in a world that did not understand.
And then I understood.
I understood it so suddenly, it was like a pall falling over the face of the world, I realized that by someone like you, I couldn't be trusted, somehow, to be real, to be genuine, to be wanting so much to put the past to rest between myself and yourself, and to be forgiven and somehow perhaps even understood ... and I realized it would be forever impossible for you to understand where I was, who I was, who I was trying to be, for you.
Just please, I want this to be behind me forever. Please.
Please. Please.
Do you understand? That's all I was asking for.
And I saw the closed door and the lights off and I smelled the Fear, one even greater than my own.
I'm so sorry. It feels like this will haunt me forever.
It just can't be that way.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I wish I could will it all away, as though it never happened.
Just please forgive me so I can get on with what's left of my life.
Please.
poster:susan47
thread:885205
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20080605/msgs/885205.html