Posted by CaptainAmerica1967 on December 26, 2008, at 12:02:57
Love and Loss..My Life (summary...one day I'll expand upon and make an inspirational story)
I have two real passions in life: Near Death Experiences, and holistic health. Both are deeply tied up in my personal history, and to talk about why Im so invested in both means sharing a little of my past. I have to warn you, though, that its going to get a little intense.
In fact, it starts out pretty intense. I had some emotional trauma as a child at the age of five in 1972 after seeing my Father lying dead on the floor. He was only twenty nine years old. I don't think I expressed this emotional trauma as a child, as children don't really know how to express their emotions at this age.
I cannot even remember my Dad except for seeing him in pictures and the 8mm video film projector he so proudly took of our family and himself at the time. A normal defense mechanism for a child to deal with such trauma is just to block it from their memory, though deep inside the child still remembers. In any case, I'm not sure if I could completely comprehend or knew at that age where or why my Father was gone. I just knew he wasn't coming back. While I did see him one last time at the calling hours lying still in his casket, I don't think I really could understand what was happening. I was told my Brother and I ran wild at the funeral home, and was also told that my Mother was so distraught that prior to closing the casket, she actually tried to jump into the casket with my Father. Obviously we were all shaken.
I don't recall my childhood before the age of six or seven, and that was two years after my Father's death. I do recall at the age of seven or so feeling kind of sad and lonely or maybe a better word would be emptiness.
My Mother provided all the love I needed, but there still was that feeling I just described of sorrow and emptiness. I remember finding it very hard to concentrate in school and at times would be aloof to what was happening around me, and I presume so because my mind was preoccupied as to what happened to my Dad.
Fast forward to me, at the age of sixteen, in tenth grade for the 1982-1983 school year. I was a studious kid, getting A's and B's, very active in sports, well liked by everyone, and had a handful of lady friends wanting to date me. All my life growing up I had heard stories from my Mother, grandmother, and uncles of how fabulous of an athlete my father was. Whatever sport he did, he did exceptionally well and always won.
My Brother and I recently got him inducted into a local sports hall of fame for exceptional athletes for the Corning Painted Post area, and it was a thrill for both my Brother and I. The real thrill for both of us was in getting to know who our father really was, and the local news television came to do an interview with both of us regarding our Father. Our research about our Father, lead us to speak with some of his old friends, and in doing so we really got to know who our Dad really was. He was more than an athlete, scholar, and friend to many, he was a humanitarian who would do anything for anyone and loved life and those he knew to the fullest. My Father's talent went far beyond sports too. Anything he ever did in life he did with finesse. In hearing all of these stories while growing, it had an impact on me, and I wanted to be just like Dad. I recently viewed a 8mm video film that my Father took of me when I was three years old. I was taking a bath and my father told me to flex or to show him my biceps or muscles so I started flexing my arms. Apparently my Father used to tell me to show him my muscles as he used flex his massive arms at the same time. He even pretended to box me.
The point is that even at the young age of three I wanted to be just like Dad just like any child wants to be like their father or mother. When my junior year of high school came in 1983-1984, I found myself overwhelmed with all of my academics and sports. I began to notice I felt terribly fatigued, and no matter how much sleep I got, I still felt tired. To top all of this off, I lost my sex drive, and to a teenager in their prime, this was devastating to me. My Mother initially told me just to get more sleep and stop worrying so much about trying to be the top scholar, and athlete, and I'd do just fine, but I became more and more fatigued until I eventually went to my family physician and she told me I was suffering from depression.
I tried all sorts of antidepressant medications, and although they helped, I still wasn't right. I eventually dropped out of all sports my junior year which was a further blow to not only me, but to all of my teammates I felt I was letting down. However, all of my family, friends and teammates didn't really understand the severity of my condition, but just said pull yourself "up" and get on with it. Believe me, if I could "get on with it and pull myself up", I would have! The feelings I was experiencing were the worst I ever felt. Gloom, sadness, depression, fear, anxiety, and eventually thoughts that I just wanted to die were very prevalent all of the time, even if I was doing something that normally would bring great pleasure or enjoyment to me.
Fast forward two grueling, painful, and struggling years. I graduated from high school in 1985. I actually thought I'd never graduate from high school because I missed so many medical days from the depression that I thought I'd be ineligible. Though graduating from high school should be refreshing, I was experiencing the most severe depression of my life, or what I thought was the most severe depression at the time.
And it kept getting worse.
One year after high school graduation in 1986 I was attending the local community collge in Corning, CCC, but my depression continued in its severity and as a last resort to help my non yielding and crushing depression, my physician, psychiatrist recommended electroconvulsive therapy, or ECT. He said he could no longer see me suffer from such excruciating mental agony and referred me to a specialist that performs ECT in Binghamton, NY.
I remember hearing about ECT in the movie "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest", and thought that was just for the really "crazy" individuals, but at that point in my life, I was willing to do anything that would help me feel at least a little better.
I had a series of 70 ECT treatments and I actually was no better than I had been prior to having the treatments, even though ECT was the gold standard as a last resort in helping severe major depression. My new psychiatrist put me on a new antidepressant medication and I really didn't feel much better, but one thing my Mother noticed and I as well was that I started to have black out spells for several seconds to a minute where I'd just stare blankly. What these spells turned out to be were petite mal seizures. Unlike grand mal seizures, I wouldn't shake violently, but I'd blank out or just stare straight ahead and my legs and arms, and eyes would just twitch.
My Mother and I told our new psychiatrist about these events and he refused to believe them and thought we were just making them up, and said that wasn't a side effect of the new medication. That psychiatrist to this day must feel painfully sorrow about his choice of words and decision for not having taken me off that medication.
And then the worst happened.
The following week my Mother and I had just left from visiting with one of my aunt's and I was driving. We had just pulled out of my aunt's driveway and onto a dirt road that lead to the main paved road. I was only going approximately 10 mph when I had another petite mal seizure. All that I remember was hearing my Mother scream, "JEFF", and she pulled the steering wheel to the right side as to try to avoid heading straight onto the pavement highway ahead. Unfortunately, my leg was twitching from the seizure, and my foot pressed the gas petal to the floor at the same time that my mother was trying to avoid the upcoming highway by pulling the steering wheel to the right, and so we went to the right down into an embankment, and then up to the top of the embankment peak, where the car went airborne, flipping over and landing with the roof of the passenger side smashing down onto the highway.
When I became conscious and was aware that I was upside down in the car, my first thought was to see if my Mother was all right or injured. When I looked to my right side I was shocked at what I saw.
I worked with cadavers later on in my medical training and education and it did not bother me at all to work with and see parts of their bodies, but when you see someone you love so dearly partially decapitated with their brains outside of their skull or head, it's a whole different story.
That is what I saw of my Mother's mangled body. It was the most shocking moment of my life, and I'm sure nothing in this lifetime will ever shock me more than what I had saw that night or early morning of Saturday September 6, 1986. My Mother was forty years old.
I had mentioned earlier that just after graduating from high school, I thought I was suffering the most severe depression I'd ever had, but I was obviously wrong.
Having had all of this happen to me at this point in my life, I had two choices to make. Do I want to continue feeling so miserable that life isn't worth living or do I take control of my own health as mainstream medicine had partially failed me?
I chose the latter. I decided to take my medical condition into my own hands and to learn everything I could about my condition and any and every possible treatment ever known to man. This was, I felt, "my calling in life." My whole life had been wrapped around a pole with depression, but I could no longer accept this. I decided that I would cure myself or at least make my life worth living. While conventional medicine had helped me with antidepressants, I wasn't the typical average person diagnosed with chronic major depression. My depression was unstoppable for every physician I came across, so I decided I needed something more than just the conventional treatment. I needed a combative approach of several things to help me with my depression.
In any case, my research lead me to lots of various treatments, but there were only a few that really helped me. The most beneficial was exercising. I take exercise to certain extremes which leads to euphoria in me and many people do to the endorphins and elevated neurotransmitters.
The second key was providing my diet with the right nutrients for optimal brain functioning. I take all sorts of nutritional supplements and try to eat "healthy" the majority of time. If you don't provide your body with the building blocks for neurotransmitters, your body cant produce them optimally, and so I try to make sure that my brain has all it needs.
Finally, I've tried all other sorts of techniques such as mediation, bright light therapy, sleep deprivation, and cold shower therapy with the last two being quite effective. Im not sure theyd work on their own, but combining the conventional approach of medicine, i.e. pharmaceuticals and in this case antidepressants, with a holistic or alternative approach can strengthen both therapies, as they have a synergistic effect on each other.
So. Fast forward again, to 2006. Ive reached the age of thirty-nine. My life has been a struggle with many events and obstacles that I've had to overcome, such as my medical condition, my education, loss of loved ones, and failed personal love relationships. Still, in knowing that I could take control of my own life, because we all have free will, and because God provides everything on this earth we could ever need for optimal health in the form of medicines from the plants and foods we eat, to our daily exercise in which are bodies were designed for, to the love and companionship we provide each other with, I've kept positive that I can provide a life that is very fulfilling not just for me, but also to the friends, family, and loved ones I have (and will have) an impact upon now and in the future.
And that leads me to my second passion: Near Death Experiences. Theyre a topic thats really shaped me, and shaped my philosophy about the world. All that I've read on near death experiences from books and websites (www.near-death.com) and the individuals that have them point out that the main reason we're here on Earth is to learn to love. In the spirit world, everything revolves around love, but in order to actually fully comprehend what love encompasses, we must come to Earth in physical form or body and experience all the other emotions revolving around love such as joy, sorrow, laughter, pain, compassion, ect. I'm not talking just about the love between a man and a woman, but every type of love such as helping the poor and impoverished. LOVE on Earth is too complex to fully understand, but in order for our spiritual bodies to grow or go onto the next spiritual level, we must experience all emotions, and most especially love.
Best wishes in life, health and happiness,
Jeff
Quotes:
"Anything we love, that loves us in return, never dies" Unknown Author
"From the brain, and from the brain only, arise our pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests, as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs, and tears." -Hippocrates-
"Without emotion, man would be nothing
but a biological computer. Love, joy,
sorrow, fear, apprehension, anger,
satisfaction, and discontent provide
the meaning of human existence."
Arnold M. Ludwig---1980"The Doctor of the future will give no medicine, but will interest his patients in the care of the human frame, diet, and in the cause and prevention of disease." -Thomas A. Edison-
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." -Ralph Waldo Emerson-
(my impression meaning that no matter how much pain and suffering one has endured in the present or past, one can look within oneself with the help of others and with love, and overcome anything)"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone-we find it with another." -Thomas Merton
"I was a gem miner so I know that a precious stone must suffer the wear of polishing to show its beauty. People who are ignorant of stones will not see its value before it is polished. Every one of us is like a rare diamond of creation that needs to be polished by enduring pain and suffering in order to realize it's highest potential." -John of God, the miracle man and healer from Brazil-
"Deliberate not upon your misfortunes of which everyone has some; But rather upon your present blessings of which each of us has many!" -Charles Dickens
"What you are is God's gift to you...What You become is your gift to God." -Unknown Author
"There are no coincidences or accidents in life and everything happens for a reason." -NDE experiencers-
"The Ultimate Possession of All in Your Life is Your Health and without it, You Have Nothing." -Jeff ...I might argue with myself and say Love is the greatest possession, but if you don't have brain health and cannot even think then Love isn't even in the equation.
"Energy is neither created nor destroyed, it just changes form" - Albert Einstein- This is exactly what happens to us in life and death from physical body (matter/energy) to spiritual body (white light).
" Everything I need to knew about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...One: Don't miss the boat. Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat. Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark. Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old.
someone may ask you to do something really big. Five: Don"t listen to clitics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. Six: Build your future on high ground. Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs. Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. Nine: When you're stressed, float a
while. Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. Eleven: No matter the storm, when you are with God there's always a rainbow waiting. NOW~ wasn't that nice? Pass it along and make someone else smile, too".Songs:
"Everything I Own" by David Gates (Bread) dedicated to my parent for the love they provided and instilled in me. David Gates wrote, sang and dedicated this song in memory of his father.
"Love Is The Answer" by John Ford Coley and England Dan. The meaning of life is learning to love and help one another.
poster:CaptainAmerica1967
thread:870863
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20080605/msgs/870863.html