Posted by susan47 on December 31, 2007, at 18:28:28
he seemed so full of empathy, kindness, even a kind of love. And I think now perhaps that he wants to be that. That is what he thinks he is capable of, of loving his patients. He wants to be able to encompass and understand things so he can Help.
Help.
I was drowning then. I was more lovable. Lovable is on the verge of suicide. Lovable is someone you can help. Lovable is someone you can forget about, conveniently, and bring to mind when the time is right.
Hateful, now that's another thing. Hateful is someone who refuses to get well. Someone who lives on the edge, with Drugs, the illicit substance which makes a lie out of everything. Drugs make life a lie, but the lie is that it seems more real, more livable. And then it gets so that no matter how depressed you feel with the drug, you don't feel alive at all without it, so you now have a choice, live with the drug in sadness and despair or don't live at all and regret everything forever .. or maybe i needed a separate drug, another drug that kept me going, kept me feeling alive, and that was the drug of love, of feeling love for myself because for a while there, for a short while, everything I said made sense, then everything made no sense, it was nonsense to everything and everyone but the drug .. and then I became a fool, I was a fool and I am a fool and I still need Love.
F*ck you.
poster:susan47
thread:803474
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/803474.html