Posted by susan47 on April 20, 2007, at 20:56:58
he sounds so old,
I wish I could hold his head
look deeply into his
bbe's ...
and say ...
Sir.
You gave me the
Greatest Gift of All ...
the greatest gift.
I respect you so much,
Here in My Heart.
I'm a silly goose, true,
a silly *ss, I was a farcical caricature of my true self
and do you know what?
That's okay.
It's all right.
I didn't die from the rejection
I didn't die from the loneliness
I didn't die from the grief
and the despair when, this last
winter ... I lost hope.
No faith.
I was a loser, a Life's Loser. And I got stronger, and I saw this hate letter in my local rag, you see ... and then I spent many more weeks in despair, over my drug addiction, and my financial status, and my children's unhappiness, and my ex's poor behaviour .. and my own past self .. and I realized I had a choice that absolutely Had to be made, I had to either Live or Die. I chose Life, Mister, because I got angry over what happened, what I put myself through, what I put you through and whoever else I don't know but I am sick and tired of going around feeling like I have to hide or be ashamed.
So eff you, and eff all of your friends, and all of your cohorts who think I'm weird or strange or bad or anything at all. And That is what's aging you. It's a matter of attitude.
I refuse to age in the same way.
I was angry. Soooo very, very angry at being ill-treated for so very, very long. And then I saw You, and all your hard-earned Privilege, and your foreign facsimile of Status ... your immersion in What's Wrong with This World ... and did I get it all wrong? Was the whole thing a fiction, an illusion, my poor, sick imagination? Does your face, your image, mean more than your honour? I think so, and I know there're lots of professionals like that. I know that. I work with professionals. I do know what they, as a whole, can tend to lean towards in their manner, and in their image-making importance of self, self-importance .. yes, I wouldn't be surprised to find that you suffer from that. And my only hope out of all of this is no longer that I will be Loved by you, my dear man, because that will never, ever change. To the day I die maymylifebealongandhappyone, andyoursaswell, sillyman; to the day I breathe my last breath here in this realm, I will crave your love and acceptance, and I will always always want to see your face in my memory as smiling, and happy, and glad. I will so much desire nothing more than to see your eyes crease in the corners when you're laughing, how you throw your head up and back a little when something gets you. I like that. You laugh out loud, laugh-out-loud, laughoutloud, you laugh so hugely. I miss that so much, I miss the sound of it and the lightness of that sound. I'll crave that from you because I'll always, probably, have this feeling of love for you that is so huge, so large that it can make me ecstatic in a moment of imagining, or bring me to the dark edgeofdespair that sought me in the winter.
Happy Spring, beautiful Soul.
:)
I really hope so.
Nothing but the Best is ever good enough in life. Life is too important.
poster:susan47
thread:751781
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060920/msgs/751781.html