Posted by SoulSide on December 6, 2006, at 23:51:04
Highlights From My Major Depression, Part 1.
That night I was the revelator. From the corner of an abandoned apartment room, I watched his movement: Lucifer as a cat, filthy and smirking as he swallowed a rat in one suffocating gulp. The drama played out for me in three-dimensional horror as the rodent shoved organs aside on its forceful thrust downward. It was still alive and I couldn’t determine who was in control. I am not sure which was worse, the cat or the corner where it sat that appeared to be covered in rust and blood spatter. My eyes couldn’t make the end points of the wall merge and join to form a boundary. The lines just bled into the dark while the parasite settled into the cat’s stomach. At last, the cat asked if I had understood the meaning of the vision. I recall trying to run. I recall gravity pulling tightly making flight impossible. I recall waking up to the sensation of hell overlapping my bedroom and a thousand things laughing at me from within its folds.
In the days following that nightmare, I thought about the rat and cat and wondered if perhaps I had observed correctly. Maybe I had a demon inside. This explanation for my misery became increasingly reasonable. My alternatives were looking infeasible as time and pills brought no relief. I felt as though I was standing on a rock in a river where the other stones were spaced too far apart to allow a safe hop across and jump to the bank. If I were to save myself from the rising water I had better put all options on the table—demonic possession included. I would creep to my car and head to work each day and I drove by a Catholic church. My sunken eyes focused on its doors and I thought of me inside clutching a pieta, hissing as a priest did surgery. Instead, I went to work where I risked being fired as a result of staring at my computer screen for hour after unproductive hour. I simply felt too bad to get my exorcism.
Major depression leaves lots of memories in the path it carves out while working through its victims. These are a few I refuse to let fade.
This is just a simple writing exercise. I do feel a little stronger.
SoulSide
poster:SoulSide
thread:711072
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060920/msgs/711072.html