Posted by Shame on November 21, 2006, at 10:27:21
All of this dies with me. The sickness. The twisted family dynamic that we lead thanks to the damage my borderline grandmother inflicted on us.Never will I write to my child and tell them that I never want to hear from them because of some perceived slight, some imagined threat, some projected behavior. I won't burden my children with the mess that is my mind. I will take my meds and see my doctors no matter what my disease tells me to do.
The more I see from my mother the less I believe that anything will ever be OK again. I thought dedication and caring might pull us out of this spiral we live in, but now I see it won't happen. The damage to too permanent, the infection too complete. She refuses to seek help, refuses to take medications. She is a creature of pure instinct now, and that instinct has been fouled by years of sickness and abuse.
My only alternative now is to shelter my own family from the damaging effects of the dysfunction that rules us. Should I ever have a child I swear it will never touch them. It will never reach my niece. I would shield my brother if only I could. I won't shed daylight on it, I won't enable it, and I will no longer watch in horror as it grows in our family like a cancer. I will not write in my fathers hand and allow it to find purchase inside our family. I turn my back on you just as you asked me to do, although not for the same reasons you would have me do it. I do it so it dies here, in my mind, in my soul, locked away inside of me forever until oblivion takes me.
May subsequent generations of family find clarity where I have not. May they find a comfort that I will never have. May they never know the life this family has lead, and what it has done to us.
This chapter is closed.
poster:Shame
thread:705794
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060920/msgs/705794.html