Posted by rainbutterfly on October 16, 2006, at 14:37:30
In reply to ugh times ten! shared sentiment of ugh here (nm) » rainbutterfly, posted by zenhussy on October 16, 2006, at 13:05:24
One other thing. In my perception, one of the main reasons I got in such a mess/muddle with you was because I tried my absolute hardest to respect your request (in spring 05) to never talk about you to anyone. And you seemed to discourage something I attempted to discuss with you. Something I had not done, but which you would not clarify. I probably was not strong enough to ask you again. And to withdraw or maybe end contact if you refused.
I do not think I ever talked about you to anyone before that.... or during any of the time we were in contact... so I do not think your concerns (paranoia??) came from anything I had done. After we stopped being in contact I was also scared to discuss any of my hurt with anyone. I felt I was ... nuts or very bad.
When I became confused by some of your actions/words/the dynamic in the contact (between) us...... I bottled up my feelings instead of discussing them either with you, or with a close, impartial, respected friend, which I now know would have been the healthier, by far, thing to do.
That was a big mistake I made. Had I not made that mistake, I very much doubt that any of the mess that occured later would have happened/.
I do remember a lot of details of past interactions that have triggered me. And not just with you :( :( :( :( That is not a good thing for me. I wish I could forget :(I can see why some of my words now trigger/anger/??? you. Mostly because of the past. Your past. Not because of who I am as a person. I doubt that you would want to read anything I write, so I am confused as to why you do. You can believe what you wish about my motives for being here. My motives for posting anywhere. I doubt that I will be able to change any of your perceptions.
I am grateful for this space to express more "stuff" than I knew I had bottled up inside.
Yes, ugh indeed. For me too. I don't like my stuff (either)
I really dislike writing all this in public. I don't want to make either one of us look bad. Writing this anywhere is very painful for me.
I hope we won't need to communicate again. But if we do, I will try to respect you. I would appreciate it if you do the same towards me.
I wish I could change some of the things that happened in the past. For all victims and for all survivors. I wish I could change some of the things I have said.... to my mother, my therapist, and many other people. But all I can change is how I react after I have typed the last word in this message. As I have already decided to post it. Ugh ugh ugh at me. I hate my sh*t. But I try not to hate me. It doesn't help.
(now to keep to my enforced break. I intend to keep to it but won't beat myself up too much if I dont. I have beaten myself far too much for too long, and it certainly hasn't helped me.)
poster:rainbutterfly
thread:684778
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060920/msgs/695326.html