Posted by Shame on September 28, 2006, at 13:04:41
This letter it to you, my wife, and to the child you carry that will never have a chance to be born. I look at the swell in your belly where we used to see joy, happiness, and hope, and I know all that is possible to feel now is agony, grief and anger. I cannot offer you real comfort because some things cannot be comforted. I have no solace for you, only the promise that I will always be there for you when you need me, ready to do whatever it is that needs to be done.The grief that I feel is beyond measure, yet it is not unfamiliar to me. It something that has been a part of me for as long as I can remember in one fashion or another. I see what it is doing to you and I grieve even more, but still it is nothing I have not felt before. So instead I feel anger. Why can't my grief be unique, something satisfying for me to feel when the universe has conspired to take from us the only thing that we have ever truly wanted. It shames me to think that this time of grieving might have been a day like any other, a day that I grieve with no reason. Now the reason is apparent, yet I still feel as I have many times before. My soul empty and gutted, my arms and fingers numb from gasping sobs, my voice horse from crying. I have no special grief for you, my child, and you will never know how that pains me.
And you, my wife, whom I hoped would never have to feel the horrors I have felt, are suddenly shoved to this precipice by just a few words from our doctor. We will never meet the child we have made. We will never see what we could have been, how much we could have loved, what we could have taught, and we will never able to watch as our child made us proud.
Perhaps my genes are so polluted that I am unable to sire you a proper child. If that is so, I beg that you forgive me and know that I want nothing so much in the world than to see you happy, and to see you be the wonderful mother I know you would be.
To our child I can only say that you would have experienced nothing but love from your mother and father. We would have sheltered you when you needed shelter, guided you through life’s pitfalls, and let you make your own mistakes when that was the only way you might truly learn. We love you still, even though you have no way of comprehending that love, unliving as you are. I wish to reach out to you, apologize, and try to explain away the injustices in life. I can do none of these things, and for that I am sorry.
To God I say, I am done with you. I have fought and struggled for everything I have had without help. I have battled the sickness in my head and I have won, even though I will never be completely whole. I did this on my own, never asking quarter from you. I raged, but still I was devout and good. Now, when this is all I have ever asked of you, you turned your back on one of your truest children. For this, you will never be forgiven. When I die, you will answer to me. I will look into your eyes and demand you bear your soul. If you have the courage to answer without shame, my soul may yet be mended. Otherwise I submit myself to eternity. Or nothing. Or wherever it is that I may be sent.
It was going to be a boy.
poster:Shame
thread:689941
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060920/msgs/689941.html