Posted by susan47 on April 10, 2006, at 13:39:44
In reply to I know what it is, posted by susan47 on April 10, 2006, at 13:27:23
when I was a child, well I wasn't really, I was older than a child but younger than an infant, in my emotional state I've always been .. different, not there, not mentally focussed not all there, the learning always skewed, unbalanced, because of the constant refrain, the stress of hearing my name on your hateful lips, how dare you say my name with such ownership ...
Okay. I remember once when you were going through this thing, this attention-seeking little breakdown of yours, and you went through every GD photo album you could lay your hands on and you screwed with your image, you cut it out or you erased your hateful face, because at that time the truth was close to the surface, and you erased the truth as you erased your own face .. now I want to erase yours, as well. But not mine. I had a right to live then, and I have a right to live now.
Go away, old man. Do I mean "nothing" to you? That's fine, that's welcome, that's as it always was, that's how it finally can be right for me, now.
You were always too frail, too emotionally weak, to accept any weakness in me. And I almost allowed your gift to ruin my own life, and my children's lives, and their children's ... but I refuse to pass on the gift, I refuse to be as self-destructive as you. Unlike you, old man, I have myself to live for. From here, I can only pity you .. as one who watches me from another perspective, pities me. I pray one day that my pity can become more like compassion, freely given, freely received.
Mmmm-wah, old man. You silly old man, you silly-willy, you silly one, don't you realize the world won't know or care that you ever existed? Or I, or any of us?
Oh, maybe that is your problem. Or maybe, can I say this, that perhaps it is your lack of joy, and hope, and inner realized beauty, that makes you so.. mean.. emotionally and spiritually mean. If you only knew your outer image, if you could grasp others' real experience of you, you would be .. horrified, and amazed.
poster:susan47
thread:622104
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20060331/msgs/631408.html