Posted by Susan47 on January 12, 2006, at 11:25:20
In reply to Re: no subject, posted by Susan47 on January 1, 2006, at 15:47:12
That some of the stuff I've written, could be seen as threatening if a person were in that sort of mindset. And I forgot who I was dealing with, who I'm not dealing with anymore. I forgot. I forgot the possible political connections, the private schoolboy mentality, the "I can do no wrong" attitude he is infused with. I forgot. And I suddenly realized, in remembering who he really is, how much trouble he is going to get me into. Because I really put myself there, I really did. I behaved completely sick. And that's the only way this will ever be seen. I think we're coming to a close. And this fool thinks I want to hurt him somehow, and it's even in the simple act of calling him a "fool" and referring to him and then even having the audacity of TELLING him I did that .. and he said at the time, he said it was okay, he said he had no ill feelings towards me and I had nothing to fear from him.
And it was an honest feeling, at the time. Somehow, I twisted that feeling with my insistence on not being ignored, on needing this to be made right by him, this thing that he made wrong. And now, because I didn't know any better than to act out the third-grade place I was stuck in emotionally, I'm in Big Trouble. Like, life-changing trouble. And all I want to do is say, I Knew This, because I somehow made it from sometime before I even remember. And this person was like poison for me, and because of that I couldn't keep away, I felt like I needed him to exist. Because I never really deserved better than poison.
Or something like that, but I have a feeling I might have a lot of time to work it out, in the future
poster:Susan47
thread:593174
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20051205/msgs/598326.html