Posted by AdaGrace on June 3, 2005, at 9:51:50
In reply to Re: List of Faults - Not Mine This Time, posted by Susan47 on June 1, 2005, at 13:53:20
Susan,
I know it sounds incredible with those things listed above.
I found this man at a time in my life when I was extreemly down. My mother had passed away, my father was being extreemly needy/ungrateful/mean, work was horrible, family life was horrible, my siblings were one by one dropping into the depths of depression, and my husband had basically told me 6 months after her death to "get over it".
I started drinking and smoking heavily, and quit eating. I lost a lot of weight, didn't sleep, and I started cruising the internet for companionship. For anyone who would understand. This is when & where I met him. We shared similar life experiences. And we did not meet physically for 4 years. Did not even share current photos for 2 years.
He was a very smooth, enigmatic talker, even though his spelling and grammar were attrocious. He said all the right things. He had a beautiful southern drawl and a background of respect for women. Growing up in the South. That thing about opening up doors, pulling out chairs, walking "with" not in front of a woman. The things I NEVER got from my husband, my father or any man I had ever known.
And that voice, that honey coated smooth voice full of "yes ma'ams" and "sweetheart" and "baby" was something that I just couldn't stay away from. It was like a drug addiction. I would search for him just to read or hear him talk.
He was so respectful, so caring, so everything that the men I had known before paled into the distance. He complimented me often. He told me I was the smartest woman he had ever known. He told me that I was beautiful. He told me so many things, so many things I needed to hear.
He shared intimate details of his life as a child and an adult. Personal things that I knew were true and still do, and am sure he never told anyone else. He gave me a side of man I had never in my life experienced.
He accepted me for who I was, and all my faults as well. And so, I accepted him for who he was and all his faults too. He did not ask anything of me, except my time when I could provide it.
He told me constantly that he loved me, wanted me, and would wait forever for me. It took me over a year to believe him, my self esteem was so low. But I finally did, I fell for it all hook, line, and sinker.
By the time things were over, I had given up my body, my heart, my soul, my life, my family, and and every shread of self esteem he had built up, because for him I would and did give up everything. And for what? Nothing in the end.
Looking back on it, there were tons of signs things weren't right, but I always ignored and forgave, because after all, I was married, and unable to offer him anything but my time. I wanted to believe the things he told me so much that I ignored the signs.
I needed to hear those things said to me. I needed someone to think I was beautiful, worthy, intelligent, all the things that I had spent my life thinking the opposite of and actually being told the opposite of. Like I said, it was a drug.
So yes, I realize he sounds like r*dneck trailer trash. And he was. But I guess it was a fantasy relationship on my part, because I cherished and relished in it. It was my life saving experience at a time when I really felt suicidal.
Of course, after it was over, I was even more suicidal........had a real genuine 1950's nervous breakdown. And he lived happily ever after. Sort of ironic don't you think?
Intelligence does not rule the heart.
The heart rules the intelligence.I drink to ease the insanity, but the insanity makes me drink.
poster:AdaGrace
thread:506208
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050513/msgs/507280.html