Posted by Shame on April 21, 2005, at 13:09:57
My life is full of contradictions. As the meds take a hold I spend more time feeling 'normal', and less time being a slave to my disease. I feel different things now. Cuts hurt again, laughter makes me feel light, and I long to see my family once again. My quality of life is improving little bit by little bit, and I feel like my life is moving forward now.All of these positive changes, and I find myself trying not to despise them. All of the disassociation I felt, all of the thoughts of suicide, all of my rage, and all of my anguish are leaving me. That’s who I have been for so long, its all I know who to be. It's a type of emptiness, a longing to stroke the jagged shard once again and be who I was.
My days are no longer measured out in breaths, but rather times goes by and I seem to go with it. Happiness is no longer a cold metal blade, but the scars and burns on my arms are still a testament to who I am.
I can be a husband and a stranger, I can be a lover and a friend, I can be a worker and a leader, but I cannot be who I was and who I am becoming. The mutual exclusivity of these two models of a man brings panic. Right now I straddle these two ideals, but neither brings comfort.
Maybe they make a pill for that.
poster:Shame
thread:487485
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050419/msgs/487485.html